Comments on: Can a cheating spouse ever reform?

By: victoria

victoria — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 01:58:24 +0000

This is such a touchy subject and we all have unique experiences. I dated a cheater and I have to say I still love him. It’s been almost three months since we have seen each other, I kicked him out after finding out. I was absolutely crushed! For some reason, one I’m trying to figure out, we recently started talking again and seeing each other. Maybe we both still have unresolved issues with what happened but we did have a really great connection when we were together, one that I have never felt with anyone else. Let me quickly say that I am not a weak person, I am independent, speak my mind and don’t let people walk over me. Yet, here I am in love with someone who did walk over me!

Maybe love isn’t so simple. Maybe it’s not so cut and dry. Maybe we don’t have a choice who we end up loving, they are brought into our lives. No one is perfect and we have baggage. So why then are we so much harder on people who cheat? Is it because it is a crime of the heart? I don’t know but I do think people can change I agree with the others on here that it’s the person who has made the mistakes that HAS to decide they don’t want to continue this lifestyle. I think talking it out, being truthful about everything and both being willing to be vulnerable in repairing the relationship can help.

I am going to meet with my therapist tomorrow to try to find out more of why I’m letting him back into my life. He has told me he cheated cause of being insecure with himself. I think a lot of men are that way and want to be wanted. So the big question is, when the emptiness of flings finally bears it’s head can the cheater truly commit? I don’t know but obviously am willing to find out since I still have feelings for him.

By: I'm over him

I'm over him — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 20:22:04 +0000

@ Reformed Man,
I disagree that the woman is to blame. We all have our own will. I was having sex with my husband 3 and four times a day. He could have me anyway he wanted and any place, but he still had energy to be sleeping with two other women. I refuse to take the blame for his actions. He gave me an Std when I was pregnant with my 3rd child and when she was three moths old, he gave me herpes. I can care less whether not he has someone now. My plan is to divorce him, I’m just waiting for that door to open. After all, I have my kids to support. He refuses to believe it, but that is on him.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 18:54:32 +0000

You are outstanding! Good luck!

By: Luckilyoutofit

Luckilyoutofit — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 09:44:29 +0000

Happy I found all your postings. I have been the spouse of a cheatting husband and I do relate to most of the things said here. When I discovered the reality about my husband, my world fell apart. I could not believe he would be so stupid as to risk loosing his family over sex encounters. But he was. He went even further than that. He did not use condoms with his affair, who herself was having sex with other guys and I have evidence that my husband even met another guy once when entering their “love nest”, an apartment he was paying for. All of this happened in a country where the HIV/AIDS prevalence is scary to say the least. You can imagine how I felt through all this time. I can not thank God enough for sparing me from disease. I went into a depression and lived like a zombie for a good one year. I finally understood it would never stop. I consistently cought him with lies and evidence keept coming to me (God’s hand I guess). Wow, I know how it feels to live in hell. My family was too precious to me but not to him. Finaly left with our 3 kids back to my home country so he only gets to see them over skype and if he travels. If you stay he will continue to do it. He has nothing to loose, or so he thinks. He does not think you are capable of leaving him. Confront your fears and break free from humiliation and abuse. You decide what your life is about. I am quite happy about my decision but I also understand it is a process. Did you come to this world to suffer? You did not my dear. This world can be a wonderful place. Looking forward my second husband .

By: SarahDee

SarahDee — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 19:36:25 +0000

Wow. no offense, SailingGuy, but for a guy, that was very eloquently put.
Beth, he’s right.
Talk to some friends, get motivated, and move on.
GL!

By: SanFranSailingGuy

SanFranSailingGuy — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 14:51:36 +0000

If a husband cheats 1x and then there’s some effort made….and MAYBE life returns to normalcy, then there’s a chance. BUT BUT BUT, if a husband cheats 2x or +, the relationship is only a ‘show.’ At that point, people hold on for fear of being alone. Partners love each other, but end up sacrificing SO MUCH bcause of that fear. I say, MOVE ON, HAVE CONFIDENCE, GET A MEDIATOR (they helped me and my ex beyond belief) AND DON’T WAIT.

No rules or new “boundaries” can change what’s going on on the INSIDE of either partner. Nor will it salvage the marriage.
Building a fence around a pool becuase you don’t want your neighbors rowdy teenagers to jump in will only make them find sneakier ways to take a dip. Right? Get real, get your life sorted and stop pretending you needs are going to change your spouse.

By: Alisha

Alisha — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 13:59:00 +0000

I am really sorry to hear about your heartache – but try to get some rest! Your concerns are valid ones. I understand how painful this time and juncture can be.
You’ll never be able to 100% guarantee that your husband won’t cheat again. Can you live with the other % that will never know? Will you always be wondering? No matter how much your husband says he will change, he already told you he would, and he didn’t. What is the difference now?
You can threaten him with “DO THIS or ELSE” but what are you really holding onto at that point? A threat or ultimatum?
Guilting a spouse only creates a greater rift. Your options are to hold onto him out of HOPE and accept moments of doubt paranoia insecurity, and still you may never know.
You can accept the loss and revere the years shared and love of your boys, grow from this, find a better partner and not spend the rest of your life wondering.
OR OPTION 3: Accept his infidelity and not be bothered by it.

You’re correct in saying that divorce is daunting. Children need and deserve both parents to be happy and this may involve two homes. As I guidance counselor, it’s indisputable that children are better students and community members when they are not consumed/preoccupied by parental conflict. Your children learn about relationships through YOU and their family. If you want them to mature and grow to have wholesome relationships, you must set the example. Masking your own unhappiness is an unsatisfactory alternative.
I leave you with an example I use when I meet with parents: In Case of Emergency on a plane: “secure your own oxygen mask before securing your child’s.”
Take care of yourself. Get some rest and best of luck!

By: Bethany R

Bethany R — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 12:40:18 +0000

it’s 5:30am. Our two boys are still asleep but I can’t!! My husband says he’ll try and I can see he feels bad, and for the time being, he is trying. All of this is killing me. I don’t believe I can trust hm anymore, but the idea of divorce is extremely daunting. I wish I had more hope.
I NEED SLEEP!

By: Alexa

Alexa — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 20:54:19 +0000

Hello Very Lost,
Alexa here! My advice, go to the top of the page and read it all again! I found out my husband was cheating on me after 12 years. I was naive to think he would change. After lots of therapy i accepted that once that trust is broken, we were two different people. You can never get it back. We grew in two different directions. You can’t change your husband. If he’s cheated more than once, chances are he is looking for something you can never be and you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to
1. convince him he doesn’t want that, or
2. that You can change into that.
There were times I saw growth in me and him but insecurities and doubt were still there and would ALWAYS be there. Forgiveness is a wonderful virtue, but in times like these, darn saintly. Don’t sacrifice who you are out of fear of losing him. You lost him before he cheated.
Break free and look to your friends for support. I’m sorry you went through this and good luck!

By: Bethany R

Bethany R — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 18:01:04 +0000

John, et al
thanks so much for bring this forum current. I’m guessing PMHS has found her route by now, but cheating is still a big problem! Does anybody out there have any advice? I’m trying to move on, but I found out my husband cheated on me, not once, but twice. Who knows how many more xs, but def know about two different women. I’m sick over this and I don’t know what to do or where to turn. I want to believe him when he says he’ll change, but my gut tells me it will happen again. We’ve been married for over 10 years. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive him. And if I do, will he do it again?
Very lost,
Beth