1. No, I am not going to lick Daddy.
2. Please take your finger out of my mouth.
3. Let me smell your bottom.
4. I can’t believe you think your boogers are delicious. If you can’t stop yourself from eating them, please at least do it when no one else is around.
5. If you don’t get off my lap right now, I am going to pee on you.
6. Yes, I got the granola out of your bottom. That’s what mothers do. They get granola out of their kids’ bottoms.
7. You can’t get your poopy out? Hold my hand.
8. You still can’t get your poopy out? Try pooping on the floor.
9. Those are special Band-aids, just for mommies.
10. No, you can’t use mommy’s Band-aids.
11. Who taught you to say, “What the?” Oh, never mind.
12. Please stop jumping on me. Remember: Mommy is a delicate little flower. Go jump on your Daddy instead.
13. Please stop touching my boobies.
14. Please stop putting your hands up my shirt.
15. If you lick me one more time, I’m not going to read you a bedtime story.
16. No, you can’t have ice cream for dinner.
17. No, you can’t have cheese doodles for dinner.
18. You just had macaroni and cheese for breakfast. You can’t have it for lunch, too.
19. No, you can’t have a pet firefly.
20. Why? Because I don’t know what fireflies eat.
21. No, mommy is not going to buy you a battery powered fishing pole.
22. Why? Because it looks like a waste of money and we don’t live near a pond. Do I really need a reason?
23. For the last time, there are no monsters in your closet.
24. Please stop putting Band-aids on your stuffed animals.
25. Please don’t put Band-aids on the dog. He doesn’t like that.
26. Don’t tell Daddy I let you have this.
27. Can I play with my iPhone now? Pleeeease? That’s not fair. You are not sharing.
28. [To any number of adult friends] I’ll be right back. I need to go potty.
What have you said during parenthood that you never thought you’d hear yourself say? Leave a comment.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I think you’d like my friends blog, Motherhood is the new MBA.
Alisa, thanks for making me laugh. This list is great. Here is my contribution: “You can touch yourself there when you’re alone but you can’t do that in front of other people!”
Sister, I know it’s your life and I don’t mean to make small of it–but thanks for the laugh out loud break! You sure know how to “sock it to us” and as of late–you are on a roll!
Is it sad that I say #s 2, 5 and 13 to the 20-year-olds I date?
Life, gotta love it!
P.S. I’m still working on a reply to the questions you left on my blog!
Love this! Of course, my addendum to #18 would be a different #19: You had mac and cheese for breakfast. No, you can’t have them for — oh, what the heck. Eat the mac and cheese.
Jenny
http://www.bloggingboutboys.blogspot.com
Jenny–I think you got me. I’m almost positive I’ve said that. I just didn’t want to admit it!
LOL! This is hysterical!!!
Seriously, thank you so much for the laugh, Alisa! The perrils of parenthood….how funny! Have a great weekend, and thanks for sharing!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
LOL! Love this – Im sitting in my office and laughing out loud. I have 2 boys ages 3 and 5..and i can safely confirm I have said 80% of these lines, hahaha.
Great post! Not only did I LOL, I also PMPAL (pee’d my pants a little). Love it!
thank you. for the first time in days i have tears running down my face, and it is not because i am freaking out. WOW, that hilarious!
Is it bad that I say “I need to go potty,” too and I don’t even have kids of my own? Just curious…
-Sarah Liz
“stop doing that. It’s not nice to fart in your brothers face”. Yes, I have to repeat that to each of my boys on a regular basis. That one and “just because he called you a “bad” doesn’t make you a bad boy”.
My four year old had trouble saying the “squ” sound in squshy (not to be confused with squishy) and so for a very long time he said what sounded like pussy for squshy. So, when we went to meet one of my friends for lunch (she has gigantic boobs btw) he gave her a big hug and said “I love your boobs they’re really pussy”. Yeah, he speaks really loudly and people were looking at me like I was a freak, and I had to explain that he meant squshy. My friend was hysterical, but the other people looked at me like I was evil.
It’s funny how for that whole year I couldn’t wait for him to be able to pronounce that word, and now I miss the “pussy” because it was so cute, well not so much in public, but still.
“Don’t put MOMMY’S band-aids on the dog…”
.-= Mrs Embers´s last blog ..Ouch! =-.