16 things no one tells you about marriage
1. On the day that you get married, you might worry that you are making a mistake (a.k.a. “the pre-wedding jitters.”) This worry might never completely go away, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you married the wrong person.
2. On your wedding day, people will give you all sorts of advice about how to live happily ever after. Most of these people are not happily married themselves and are just telling you stuff that other unhappily married couples told them at their weddings. Some of the advice seems to work, though.
3. If you don’t write them down and store them somewhere, you will forget your wedding vows.
4. When you first meet, you will be extra polite in front of each other. After many years of marriage? You’ll let gas rip like nobody’s business, and your spouse will give you a high five afterward. This is one of the rare joys of matrimony.
5. Think about your worst ever experience with a roommate. That’s marriage, except you can’t just move out or change roommates without paying a lawyer a lot of money.
6. Most spouses really only want one thing: to be adored. Most marital arguments are about not feeling adored.
7. When you first say the L-word, you will probably do it out of ignorance because, after just a few months of dating, you truly have no idea who he or she really is. Chances are, once you really get to know your spouse, you will feel disappointed because he’s not all of the things you wrongly thought he was. If you persevere and get past this stage, you will learn what it really feels like to love someone and be loved in return.
8. A happy marriage is a lifelong exercise in patience, acceptance, and compassion. It has very little to do with being in love.
9. Most people would die for their children, without a second thought. Not everyone would do the same for their spouse. [See the comments for the reason behind this strike out.]
10. There are many things you will never understand about your spouse. For example, your spouse might go to great efforts to hide small indiscretions from you, such as the fact that he occasionally eats Crispy Chicken Sandwiches from Wendy’s. When you are standing with the fast food packaging in your hand and you ask him why he doesn’t just tell the truth, he’ll say, “What fast food?” And, if your marriage is currently in a good place, you’ll find that endearing. If your marriage is in a bad place? You’ll think he’s having an affair.
11. Your spouse doesn’t think like you, and this will never change.
12. Chances are, your spouse has a skeleton or two in the closet, but that’s okay because you do, too.
13. You might repeatedly brush off your spouse’s sexual advances and think nothing of it. After all, you’re just not in the mood. It’s nothing personal. But when your spouse gives you the brush off? You’ll worry that he’s having an affair.
14. You’ll spend many years fighting about whether or not to keep the toilet seat up and which way the toilet paper should go. If you stay married long enough, you’ll wonder why you ever cared about these things.
15. You’ll spend many years trying to change your spouse into someone else. Eventually you’ll give up and learn how to love the person he already is.
16. If you stay married long enough, your spouse will eventually know you better than anyone else. This might not be the definition of true love, but it certainly counts for something.
What do you now know about marriage that no one ever told you? Leave a comment.
Tweet This Post 
Facebook 
Stumble This Post
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Tags: Marriage Advice
July 17th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Alisa, you’re making me laugh like crazy today with your lists. You’re in even better form than usual! I especially love #2. So true!
July 17th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
#8, #11, & #15…my favorites! So true! Wow, poignant and honest and wonderful! Way to go, Alisa, once again, you’ve put marriage into reality! Thank you!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
July 17th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
I’m glad that so far my relationship and marriage have shattered the majority of the maxims on your list. It prompted me to take a swing around your site, and altogether it sounds like a recipe for Project Eternal Pessimistic Settling rather than anything about happiness.
(I know negative blog comments are no fun, but so is never hearing feedback. I do wish you the best of luck.)
July 17th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Krisis: thank you for your feedback. I do hope–and this is sincere–that your marriage continues to defy the odds. If, at any point, it does not, you are always welcome back.
July 18th, 2009 at 1:17 am
My husband loves #6. I think that’s all he ever wanted, was to be adored, loved and worshipped in someone’s eyes.
July 18th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Wow. I have to disagree with some of that.
#1 No way. Not even for a second.
#7 Never hated. Ticked off, sure. Hurt, yes. Hated, never.
#9 No, any day. Even a day where we have been squabbling.
But overall? Right on.
July 18th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Tony–I always appreciate your comments, and this one in particular. I agree with you. I’ve gone back and edited #1 and #7 so they more closely resemble the thought I wanted to get across. I started to edit #9 but then just struck it because the entire sentiment just didn’t seem important to me anymore. I struck it rather than delete it, though, so your comments here would still relate to the post. Thanks again.
July 20th, 2009 at 7:34 am
My MIL will hate me, even if I’m a saint, because NO ONE is good enough for her little boy. And everything he’s ever done wrong, or any bad thing that has ever happened to him, including his life-threatening illness at birth and dropping out of college a year and a half before we met, is MY FAULT. I must accept it and not be offended by it or let my frustration and anger about it define me or our relationship (me-him or me-her), because nothing will change it, EVER, and this is reflective of a protective, if heinously bitchy, mother, and not of his potential to be the same.
July 20th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
After 20+ years of marriage, I agree 100%. Especially with #16. I told a friend I’ve known since 5th grade last night, true… he aggravates the shit out of me, challenges me, is my partner in life and business, and in the end… no one other than him I’d rather go have a beer and talk with than him. And isn’t that what it’s all about.
But damn! Sometimes a little variety every now and then would be fun, but that would so muddy the waters and then I would have to retrain someone and in the end… I’d end up with someone very much like what I have. Better just to teach an old dog new tricks, that way you don’t have to overcome bad behavior.
July 21st, 2009 at 1:15 pm
@Christy – I think you are dead-on when you say – “no one other than him I’d rather talk with than him.” I think that’s the bottom line to knowing you are with the right person. As much as you might have differences, arguments little or big, disagreements, etc, who do you want to talk to at the end of the day? And I think that a huge part of that is respect. Do you respect your partner, whether or not you agree with him or her? Look at James Carville and Mary Matalin. Polar opposite views; therefore huge respect must be the secret there!
@Alisa – I think number 6 on your list is SO important to always keep in mind. Two questions a person can ask of him/herself: Is your partner making YOU feel like the most adored person in the world? If not, can you tell or show your partner exactly *how* he/she could go about making you feel that way? And at the same time, if you want to improve your relationship, ask yourself, what could YOU do to make your partner feel like the most important person in the world. Try it and see if magic results.
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:56 pm
i’ve only been married for 8 years ( I am 27!) and I agree 100% with everything on this list. There are currents in a relationship sometimes it’s raftable (did I make a new word?!) and sometimes it’s not, but I hope we never bail on each other.
August 6th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
OMG: You’ll spend many years fighting about whether or not to keep the toilet seat up and which way the toilet paper should go. If you stay married long enough, you’ll wonder why you ever cared about these things.
So true. I learned a long time ago to keep the toilet seat down. Good thing too because a few years ago we got a dog and if I keep the toilet seat up…it’s drinking time for him.
Thanks for the laughs, since it’s all true and nothing is funnier than the truth.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:21 am
Hi I am not sure this blog is for the husband… but anyway I like the lists.. thanks for writing up the topic.
I am into 18th year of marriage and all the years we have our ups and downs… I am not perfect and there are things that it my fault…
Looking at the #15… my wife just loves me because she wanted me to be that dream person she likes. I made an effort to change myself to be someone she likes. She never accepted what I am… but she never will change for me. Its always her deal and not mine. In short, she molded me to be her dream man.
Our marriage went bad just this year last August… I felt so bad about how she taken me for granted… thats how I felt…
We are now trying to recover for the bad marriage…
November 16th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
#9. I think this is relevant.
I’ve only been married for 15 months, but I struggle with this sometimes. If me, my mom, and my husband were held up at gunpoint, and the gunman made me choose which one of them I could keep…I’m not so sure I could let my mom go. But then again…I’ve had 26 years to become best friends with my mom. I’ve only had 3 with my husband. I think, overtime, he will start becoming more important to me than my family is.
Funny story that’s kind of related…yesterday, I was thinking, “If my husband got mauled by a chimpanzzee, and his face and arms got ripped off, would I stay with him for the rest of my life? or would I leave him?”
My answer is probably sad, but very simple: I would probably leave him.
Later in the evening, out of the blue, he asked me THE SAME QUESTION!!!! (We think alike *sometimes*). I told him the truth and he was a little disappointed, BUT I’d like to add that if the same thing were to happen to me, I’d expect him to leave me too. Everyone probably won’t agree with me, but there is no use in wasting a second perfectly good life.
But still, you never know what you might choose in a tragedy situation like that.
Sorry to stray from the subject of the original post…I’m still waiting on a high five from my husband for my farts. He seems to be pleased when he does it, but when I do it, he shuns me like I have leprocy.
December 10th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
So what is the point to all that hard work? Where is the reward or should you just torment yourself for life for no reason at all?
December 11th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Shannon–thank you for asking this question! I was wondering what to blog about today and almost resorting to a blog about porn. (Eh, maybe I’ll still get to that one). I recently have found the marital sweet spot. It sure wasn’t easy to get to this place, but I’m happy to tell you that there is one. It’s not about tormenting yourself for life, but it is about letting go of many of the expectations most of us have about what marriage should be, and embracing something more, something deeper. Thanks for the inspiration!
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Why I’m a winner!