Occasionally, I write a post that brings the open marriage proponents to my site. They start commenting about how all of our jealousy issues would be solved if we’d all just agree to hump whomever we want whenever we want. I’m not necessarily against open marriage for other people. I’m open minded about it. Honestly, I don’t care what other people do in their bedrooms and hotel rooms and who they do those things with. They can have sex with gorillas for all I care.
Me? I only want to have sex with one person for the rest of my life.
Here are 11 reasons why I never want to have sex with anyone else ever again.
1. I hate condoms. They nearly ruin the sexual experience for me. It’s like having sex with sandpaper. My husband has been snipped (vasectomy) so, as long as we are monogamous, we will never ever have to use another condom again.
2. I’m a mom. I barely have enough time and energy to schedule sex with my husband. I have no idea how I’d find the time to schedule it with someone else, too. Just the idea of juggling more than one sexual partner is enough to make me want to hide in my closet.
3. My husband is a dad. That’s time consuming. He’s also a cyclist, which is a very time-consuming hobby. There are only 168 hours in a week. That never changes. The grass still grows and still needs to get cut. We still run out of food, which means someone needs to go to the grocery store. Our kid still needs someone to read her bedtime stories. This is a partnership, one that we share equally. If my husband wants to find the time to bed down with someone else? He’s going to have to give up the cycling. Just saying. I’m not doing more of the parenting and more of the household labor so he can get his jollies off with another woman. This has nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with what I signed up for. I’m sure he’d say the same about me.
4. I’m so glad my husband and I are past the “Oh God I really hope I don’t fart during sex” stage. I have no inclination to revisit this stage with anyone else. Seriously. Just don’t.
5. Ditto on the “I hope he doesn’t think my boobs are too small” stage and the “is he going to notice the little hair that grows between my navel and snatch?” stage and the “yikes what will he think of my cellulite?” stage.
6. Eventually I am not going to be young. Eventually other men will not want to have sex with me. My husband? He’ll still be here when that happens, and I don’t mind if, in his mind, he pretends I’m still young. I don’t care if it takes a little pharmacological help. I don’t care what we have to do to keep it going on well into our senior years. I just know that when I’m 70 or 80, my husband is going to be there for me, assuming he’s still alive.
7. My husband knows how to please me in bed. I don’t feel like teaching another man how to do this.
8. I know how to please my husband in bed. I don’t want to go through that stage again where I am plagued with the thought, “Does he think I’m good in bed?”
9. My husband knows that I don’t like to cuddle after sex. After sex? I like to put my clothes back on and get on with my day. I seriously don’t want to have to deal with the “you’re so not a normal chick” comment from another guy.
10. I like a good challenge. Yes, sex with the same person over and over and over again for years and years and years can get a bit stale, but that’s only if you allow it to get stale. I’m a writer. I love being creative. Coming up with ways to keep our sex life new and interesting? It’s a creative challenge that brings me great joy.
11. Being monogamous forces me to practice the art of self-control. Having a lot of self-control comes in handy when I want to curse someone out (because he or she really deserves it), but I know I really shouldn’t.
Why do you stay monogamous? Or do you believe in an open marriage? List your reasons in the comments area.
A professional journalist, Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir of how she saved her marriage, and coauthor of Pitch Perfect, a must-read if you've ever had a sense of dread tie up your insides before a speech, presentation, or conversation. If you enjoyed this post, you will no doubt love her updates on Facebook and Twitter.