How to get along with your inlaws
Q: I have been married to my husband for almost 5 years. We have a good marriage most of the time. His parents are our biggest problem! They are rude, obnoxious and treat me like I’m not part of the family. What should I do? – Ostracized
Dear Ostracized:
A: If inlaws were easy to get along with, there wouldn’t be entire websites dedicated to making fun of them. That doesn’t mean you need to put up with rude and obnoxious behavior, though. My strategy for getting along with in-laws is the same strategy that I use for getting along with all difficult people I encounter. It’s this: Return negativity with compassion.
Before you toss something at your computer screen and tell me that I’ve completely lost it, read on. Then, if you still think I’ve completely lost it, leave a comment to that effect.
Usually, when dealing with difficult people, our knee jerk reaction is to stoop down to the difficult person’s level. If that person gives us the silent treatment, we give the silent treatment right back. If someone talks about us behind our back, we talk even more viciously behind hers. If our mother in law nitpicks us about everything we do or say, we nitpick her, too.
This eye-for-an-eye behavior, though, almost never results in a better relationship and it almost always guarantees an even more miserable encounter in the future. Think back to times when you’ve returned anger with anger or backbiting with backbiting. Did it ever improve the situation? I didn’t think so.
Worse, when we do the eye-for-an-eye thing with our in laws, our marriage suffers because we continually make our spouse uncomfortable.
This doesn’t mean you should be a doormat, though. That is just as bad. The less you stick up for yourself, the more badly they will treat you because they will see you as weak and dispensable. They’re probably treating you badly because they feel threatened. They worry that their son only has so much love to go around. In their minds, it’s either them or you, so they are constantly trying to win and keep your husband’s alliance by making you seem weak, inferior, and useless.
So what’s the solution? You need to come up with a series of compassionate but firm comebacks to use when your in-laws treat you badly. Your comebacks should:
1. Be apologetic in nature. Try to slip an “I’m sorry” in there somewhere.
2. Describe how you feel with an “I statement” that no one can argue with, such as, “I really feel uncomfortable when” and “I find family gatherings very anxiety producing because…”
3. State that you really want to get along.
4. Offer a solution to the problem.
For example, let’s say your mother in law says to your husband, “Will you please ask that wife of yours to not wear her ball cap at the dinner table” and let’s say you are standing right next to your husband when she says it. You might say with a smile, “I didn’t realize you had a family rule against wearing ball caps to the table. I apologize if you are offended by my hat. I feel small when you talk to me through my husband, though, and this makes family visits uncomfortable for me and for him. I’d really like for us all to enjoy this dinner together. If you’d like to ask me politely to remove my hat, I will do so. I would appreciate if you talked directly to me rather than talking through my husband.”
It’s probably a good idea to practice these comebacks ahead of time. That way you can practice using a non-sarcastic yet firm tone of voice.
Oh and it goes without saying: It’s vitally important to run this all by your husband and make sure he supports your efforts. You need to address this issue as a united front. His family will back down a lot faster and start treating you like the human being that you are if they see that the two of you are completely aligned.
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Tags: mothers in law
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:24 pm
The irony is that it’s my family that makes the mess here. I don’t see my husband adopting these suggestions, but they are smart.
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:06 am
I am so sorry for the delay in responding to your interview questions. Could you resend the questions and I promise to answer quickly this time. Many thanks, Athena
August 1st, 2009 at 2:45 pm
This is great– I have finally found Mr. Right for me in EVERY way and his only flaw is his parents. They hate me and they have not even given me a chance. I am so hurt by the things they say about me it is unreal, and the worst part is their son is suffering bc he wants Dante and I to be a part of his family and all he is met with is resistance from them. I am going to try to implement your advice– my partner is much like your husband, very quiet and confrontation avoiding so I don’t know what he will say about it- though he does defend me, which usually makes things worse. I just wanted to be accepted by them so their son and I can try for that happily ever after thing everyone is talking about.
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
My in-laws do not speak English and I do not speak Slovak, they came to the US expecting to take over my home and my life, when I refused the war started. She insults me through my husband and by boycotting her grandchildren and the housekeeping, I work and she stays home to watch our 4 children, it’s a very complicated mess that has caused me so much stress. Honestly I have no idea what to do anymore, I have even considered leaving my amazing husband because of them. We bought them a house to get them out of ours, it was not good enough. Nothing ever is. What would you do?
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Tiffani and Jen: Remember that you are both adults and able to make your own decisions. The unhappiness on the part of the inlaws is not necessarily your problem. Some people enjoy stewing in their own misery. Accept that you will never be able to make them happy or make them like you. Once you reach that place of acceptance, it will get a lot easier. Instead of being a salmon swimming upstream, you’ll be able to go with the flow.
I know… easier said than done. And Tiffani: great move to get them out of the house. You need your space. I would recommend you find someone more reliable to watch your kids. It’s not good for them to get caught in the middle.
August 24th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Well the war is nearing an end, the Slovak in-laws have decided to return to Europe. We have already put their house up for sale and I sit on pins and needles waiting for my husband to tell me he has purchased the plane tickets. After all these years, I will finally get my family and my home back. BTW, you were right about establishing a “not going to care” attitude, that prayer and a few small miracles answered really made a difference.
August 24th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I glad things are improving!!
September 19th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
For me it’s my Sister-in-law.
I recently got married(2 months ago) and right now we are trying to find a home to move into. He still lives with his father and sister, and I with my family. We try to see each other and spend all our time outside of work together. I have been the one to come over to his house.
His sister never liked me from day one. He says she doesn’t like anyone he’s ever been with. The separation is taking a tole on our relationship, I’m stressed out because we live 1 hour apart, and because we are having a hard time finding a home to buy. Our realtor is trying to get us in a place, but we keep getting outbid.
The other day I went over to his house to meet him after he got outta work. I was in a good mood and had to fax over some paperwork to my new employer.. I asked my husband if he would help me figure out what to claim on my W-4(since I’m recently married I didn’t know what to put). He suggested I call my tax preparer and get pro advice. I got on the phone and was talking toy tax guys assistant.. She was giving me advice and I had the phone to my ear listening and my husband starts talking to me in a negative way “what the ***k are you doing?!?” and I reply to him with a stressed out tone & the lady still on the phone “don’t talk to me right now!” then he flips out and storms out of the room saying “f***ing bi**h!” and I say ” your psycho!” Seconds later I end that phone call and then we are arguing. I’m upset he rudely interupted me and pissed he called me names for no reason. He defended that “you yelled at me” and I say ” what the hell are u trying to say to me when I’m on the phone trying to get professional advice?! So we are both screaming at each other THEN his sister walks in the room (apparently she was in her bedroom the whole time) and starts yelling at me saying that I’m a bit*h and I’m crazy and i need to leave. My husband doesn’t defend me, he is now trying to break up the yelling match bettween his sister and I. Even tho she insulted me and resorted to name calling , I did not stoop to her level.. I bit my tounge. I did yell to her “This has nothing to do with you. You need to mind your own business!”
I’m angry at my husband that he let his sister disrespect me like that and didn’t defend me. I just wanted help with my W-4 and at the end I got yelled at and disrespected by both my husband and his little sister(not by weight).
This happened Wed and it’s now Saturday. I have not called him, and he only tryed calling me the day after the fight, I didn’t pick up his call.
I’m seriously concidering an anullment.
Any suggestions?
October 20th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Usually I agree with this advice: Kill them with kindness is usually a wonderful tactic that does wear them down if you’re patient. After 7 years of doing exactly this, I decided, honestly, it’s easier to just not talk to my mother in law and her husband anymore. The nicer I try to be the more rude her and her husband become and the worse the games get. It seemed they would go out of their way to cause strife and then haul hubby over to their house, spend 2 hours tattling and berating about how I didn’t offer them a cup of water a the right time or I didn’t say hello in the right tone and he’d come home and we’d fight. When it got to the point of being as bad as it could possibly be, I walked away from them. This was several months ago now. I told the hubby that while I appreciated and understood they were his parents I wasn’t going to play the juvenile games they insisted on playing. To my shock and awe, he agreed with my position and has facilitated avoiding contact. We’ve gotten along 100 times better since we stopped letting their bitterness interfere in our relationship.