Many people talk about falling in and out of love as if love were an elusive quality that the universe gave to some couples and not to others. They say things like, “My relationship is pretty good, but we’re just not in love anymore.”
I personally don’t think you can possibly be in a good relationship if you are not “in love.”
This is why:
Love isn’t an adjective. It’s not something you feel.
Love is a verb. It’s something you do.
Love is an action. It’s a behavior. Love is completely within your control.
Just because you aren’t fighting and tossing dishes at each other every day doesn’t mean everything’s good. If you are not “in love,” then you are not prioritizing your relationship. Rather, you are stuck in a rut. You might live together. You might be sharing a life, but you are not actively loving each other. You’re taking each other for granted. You’ve gotten lazy. Your relationship has become robotic.
If you want to feel in love again, you need to act in love again. Acting in love might entail greeting your partner at the door and giving her a hug as you say, “Wow I’ve really missed you.” It might be noticing that your husband has just eaten the last of his favorite ice cream bars, so you restock the supply the very next day, even though it was not your official grocery-shopping day.
Love is in the small, everyday gestures that say, “You are important to me.” Love is how you make your partner feel special and adored. Love is how you stretch yourself thin in order to improve your partner’s life.
Love is many, many actions performed day in and day out. When you are both performing these daily acts of love, you will eventually feel good about each other. If you want to call this gooey, happy feeling “being in love,” then call it that. Call it whatever you want. Just know that the behavior precedes the feeling. If you want to feel in love, you need to act in love.
How will you act in love today?
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
When I came home yesterday, my husband was at the door waiting for me. When I asked him “what’s up?” he said “I just want to hug you”. So simple yet effective.
Today, I’m going to pick up ice cream for my hubby. He loves ice cream and I know it will make him fell very loved.
Great post Alisa
Great post, very short, sweet & true!
I’ve realized that people fall in & out love through their lifetime; somedays you’re rockin’ each other’s world and somedays you’re just not that into them! LOL! Sorry, but it’s true, you know it is!
But, love IS an action. It is about the small things…
I’d rather have 100 small things throughout the year than one really BIG thing!
I once heard somewhere that love means feeling the following: appreciated, accepted and affectionate. I think that about covers it.
My husband has been telling me lately that he’s happy to come home to me, and that is THE greatest feeling in the world! That makes me happy! Last night, he turned on the CMT Music Awards for me (he’s not a huge fan of country music), and it made me feel instantly loved and cared for.
I think a lot of it has to do with him, and me, or anyone two people, realizing that there’s another person here/there with wants/needs/cares…and sometimes, putting their wants/needs/cares before your own–not all the time of course (you’ve got to have “me” time and look out for yourself), but just recognizing that there’s another person with you, who wants the best for you–that’s huge! That’s a great way to stay in love!
I also loved the fact that the other day, my husband told me I looked pretty right before I got in bed (not looking for sex, we were both way too exhausted) when my hair was a mess and I had absolutely NO makeup on! THAT did wonders for me!
As for me, I try and keep his favorite ice cream stocked (why the ice cream thing today?), cook his favorite foods and give him regular massages. I also tell him how much I appreciate his working so hard and putting our marriage first (as I do too) as much as he can!
It does take work, but it’s really simple actually.
My dad once said that “romance is thoughtfulness in a prettier package tied with a bow,” and that is so very true! I’ve never forgotten that.
I’m happy to be in love–perhaps not every single waking moment of my life (I just don’t think that’s real), but overall, I’m more in love with my husband as each day passes! I hope he can say the same about me, and most of all, I hope and pray it continues that way!
Thanks for sharing, Alisa!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I’m starting to think that all men adore ice cream. I thought it was just mine until you both mentioned it in the comments. Thanks for the great suggestions. Great ideas for others who need ideas on how to act in love.
I don’t know about all men, but I LOVE ice cream! I think that my love of ice cream rivals my wife’s love of chocolate.
Well mine does not ice cream, never give hugs at the door and rarely comments on my dress/makeup unless it is something he does not approve for.
But we both work full time with long commute and have 2 boys, he does not mind if I leave home earlier while both the boys are still in bed. He gets them ready and drop them and leave to return home knowing there might not be a dinner (he prefers home made ) and offers to take us all to a place where we all can eat what we like to return home for a good night sleep before we hit the road for yet another busy day.
So what do you say when, while doing all the little things we have fallen out of love? We still love each other greatly but we are no longer in love with each other. We were truly in love-the gooey mushy type- for a good six years. Now we are eight years into the relationship, married and have a child. We both have degrees now and my husband will be a Doctor in a few short months. Everything is rather ideal, we just need to fall back in love again.
we have the same exactly problem to the “T” only I am the one with the degree and the same relationship length and we dont know what to do we are planning to do alot of new things this winter but we are coming up short, I don’t wan to lose him any ideas any one????
When my husband and I met I was already a single mom of two. All of my serious previous relationships ended due to me getting cheated on and especially during a pregnancy. I gave up on relationships and men in general until I met my husband. We were friends and he knew my past and swore to me that he would never cheat on me ever he even told me that he resents the people who had done it. I didn’t allow my trust issues to follow from my past into our relationship. I was determined to give this relationship my all… so I gave him every piece of me…. then we decided to get pregnant. As all women I was so insecure.. but my husband reassured me that he would never hurt me never cheat on me and that I was all he wanted and ever will need.
Then one day he left his email up and I saw that he was recieving disgusting photos from his ex…. tons of them. I asked him about it and he said she was crazy and was doing it to get him back… so I trusted him and let it go. Later on I noticed him being really secretive when ever he was chatting with people online.. he would quickly minimize the screen… later I found that he was lieing to different ex’s telling them that I cheated on him and left him….like when I was pregnant with our baby and taking a shower in the next room. He would ask these girls for sexy pictures. Also he signed up for these websites to help married people cheat like meet online then next in person. I forgave him for all of this.. and I was still very much in love with him… the same as the day we got married. All of this happened during our pregnancy.
Two months after the baby was born I found out that he cheated on me while I was pregnant and just days before we got married. He hid it from me I found out through a friend that he had some 18 year old stay over and it was in our first place together I hadn’t even seen it since I was out of state. I assumed they slept together.. I even emailed the girl… when I asked my husband about it he denied it and lied to me for hours…. it wasnt until I tricked him into thinking that the other girl had already admitted it to me that he finally told the truth.
It wasn’t until he actually cheated on me that I felt the connection was gone. I love him but I am not in love with him. He begs me to stay and swears that he is different.. but I feel so tricked.. Had I known that he cheated on me before we got married I would have never married him I do know that. I love my husband I am just not inlove with him anymore. I would give anything to fall back in love with him, but it just seems like it isn’t going to happen. What do I do? I dont want to get a divorce or be with anyone else but at the same time I am so unhappy and hurt I just want to be in love with him again.
Forgive him and trust him once more. Sometimes the subconcious doesn’t know its doing wrong, until the pain is so so so bad, that it then wants to change. Therefore, test the waters with divorce and tell him it is it. Be very calm and understanding thou. Don’t fight. I mean don’t get him mad where he will seek revenge. Talk it through and let it out to him how bad you feel inside and you want to trust him but your brain is scared. He will break down and tell you that he is sorry and that he loves you and your children and doesn’t want to go out there and start all over in life because it is hard to find someone that will love you the same at an older age. Its work and you can’t can’t can’t break it off. Forgive in your heart and you will see that forgiveness is the key to any problem… especially when someone does you wrong.
-Sincerely,
alex.
I have the same problem. How can you ever forget the hurt. My husband cheated on me right before he proposed to me. He said that he was just scared and that he did not want to lose me. Now he informs me that I pressured him and that he never felt the spark of a relationship. He said he just wishes his (my words) lying, cheating, stealing ex-wife still was with him. That is pretty bad. I would never do the things that she did to him. I just don’t know how to go back. I will never fully trust him again. Do you let it go? Or do you really fight for him. But it has to be a 2-way street and I just don’t feel like he is into it. He loves his daughters and would never leave but I am not sure that is enough for ME.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Love:
Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection[1] and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure (“I loved that meal”) to intense interpersonal attraction (“I love my boyfriend”). This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.
As an abstract concept, love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person. Even this limited conception of love, however, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual emotional closeness of familial and platonic love[2] to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love.[3] Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts.
Webster define love as “to feel a lover’s passion, devotion, or tenderness; caress; to fondle amorously; to copulate with to like desire actively; take pleasure in; to thrive in”
Imagine never falling out of love with a man that you met nearly 20 years ago and marrying someone for the sense of what you thought was security. I know for certain without a shadow of doubt that I was IN LOVE twenty years ago; although I’ve been married for 9 years and with my husband for a total of 13years–there was never an in love kinda feeling like I felt 20 years ago. I guess I fooled myself into believing that I would grow to love him deeper as time went on.
In short, I believe that when one is in LOVE with someone-you would move mountains for this person and do anything within your power to keep your marriage together. I’m sorry to say that I don’t feel this way about my husband whom I’ve known for 13 years; but the man of 20 years-who has married and has 2 beautiful children—-Hey that love never, ever left my heart.
The love you felt for the other person that you gave up on for security. How long were you together with them before leaving to marry someone else?
Kristina, (((((HUGS))))) You just told my story! I am still married to my second husband and he was doing the same things. I was cheated on by my first husband. Some days I feel like I will never be able to love anyone again. It hurts too much some times.
I definitely agree with how you define love. I wish my wife defined it similarly as well. I had the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” bomb dropped on me a few weeks ago. My wife wants to feel the “passion” that she hasn’t felt in years but she doesn’t really know what it is other than to say that she wants the fairytale. After being with each other for so many years, I don’t know if the fairytale is even possible if she’s only looking for butterflies. I can give her a deeper and truer love that goes beyond the 2-year span of infatuation, but there might be a lot of anger, lack of respect, and resentment built up over the years that may be blocking all of that and leading her to not know whether she can get the loving feelings back.
I guess that all I can do is keep acting loving toward her, supporting her, and be patient. We’re in counseling, but I don’t know if that will change her view on love and I can’t make her change her view but I can sure as hell show her. I guess the whole “I love you but…” goes against your definition of love as a verb or an action because if the person who said “I love you but…” really believed that love is a verb or an action, then they may not have led themselves to the statement in the first place. Here’s to continuing to practice love as an action and hope that things turn around.
-Sully
I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for almost 3. I hate that I am not in love with him. He goes through periodic depression a do I, but he never seems to be there for me and I never seem to be able to help him. He says he loves me still but he doesn’t always act like it. I took a new job that takes me away from the house most of the week and he only contacts me if I text him first. I don’t feel close to him at all. We’ve only been intimate once in the last 2 months and only after we both were really drunk. I don’t like being around him anymore. He’s not a bad guy, I just feel like i have to drag him along through life. He only seems to do the bare minimum. He doesn’t make plans for the future but relies on me to direct where things go. I want an equal partner. He says I nag him when I try to encourage him. I feel like his mother half the time. For the last month or so I’ve been looking online desperately trying to figure out if there is a way to make this all work. Some days I’m so frustrated I just want to drive away and never come back. We went to therapy for about 6 sessions, but he never seem to be interested in it. We are both on meds for depression and I feel so much better, but ever since I’ve felt better being around him has been so much harder. I think its over but I’m scared.
OMG sad, you just totally told my story in a nutshell. I don’t know what to do either, I’m scared to death of my future and raising my daughter alone, however, I feel that life is too short to be miserable and here I am, day in and day out, miserable. I wish someone could just tell me what to do and push me into doing it but I know that no one can, that it’s my decision, yet I don’t know what to do either. Thanks for your blog, you helped to feel less alone in the world.
Hi all I am new to this blog. I found it through I guess luck… Anyway I fell back in love with my husband of 9 years just about 5 months ago. It can happen!!! A long story short I was in a horrible job situation and so was my hubby and we I guess kinda took each other for granted. The love we had was always there yet it had grown a bit stale… So, I just had this moment of clarity one day and decided I wanted to feel so in love again.. Now we can’t get enough of each other!!! The loving feelings are there and it has so much improved our marriage for the better. I know I won’t let this feeling slip away again. Forever in love with my husband…
Shauna
I think many people would want to know what led to that moment of clarity. Was it a feeling of loosing him or something he did that made you see it in a new light. I’m a victim of the I love you but… and aside from recognizing my contribution to it, I am on my journey to right my wrongs in the name of my family and the woman that was a part of it. Honestly I would like to know a little more detail as I know probably a lot of people would.
I just celebrated my first wedding anniversary a week ago, and I never in a million years thought it would be this hard. All that it took for me to fall out of love with my husband was him telling me that he didn’t think it was important to support or encourage me in my endeavors. It happened like a light switch four months ago, and I haven’t been able to decide if that’s something I even care enough about to reverse at this point. Sure, he loves me and tells me every day how in-love with me he is. But I can’t find it in me to reciprocate. I forgave him for that (along with the other things that he has said and done over the last few years of our relationship and marriage) and I’ve moved on from it, but I feel as if my heart has hardened against him. He’s a brilliant and caring man, and occasionally when we’re together we have a wonderful time. I just feel as if that comment and ensuing argument was the needle that broke the camel’s back.
…so….. if i just act it out and do favours for him and admore him like i use too then eventually i will have those feelings i once had in the beginning of the relationship?
I don’t know, linh. It hasn’t worked yet for me.
He just yells at me when I try to clean the house. He winces and cries if I try to give him a massage. When I cook for him, he hates it, and usually says something lovely like, “next time just make your own soup.”
I feel virtuous when I clean up after him, but also angry and revolted. What I don’t feel, is any sort of affection for him when I’m flushing the toilet for him or cleaning his hair out of the bathtub drain. I don’t feel love when I’m folding his clothes or putting them away, or when I remove all the trash he’s thrown in the sink so I can do our dishes every day, or when I take out the trash, or clean the catbox.
He gets violent and angry if I try to clean the car, and he hates anything I cook. He has no job and we’re very poor, so I can’t buy him stuff or anything like that. I’m stumped. I really don’t know how to fix this hideous mess, let alone bring love back into it.
Yes I think it is very possible linh. I do wish you all the luck.
I’m sorry Rachel Marriage in the 1st year is tough… Keep a positive outlook and just don’t give up.Arguments will always happen but the love you share together will pull you through.
My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years. We’ve been married for one year and some change. Before we got engaged, we talked about getting married and we both wanted to get married. Well I ended up getting pregnant (by him of course) and he felt that he needed to rush and get married so our son wouldn’t be born a “bastard son”. We were engaged when I was 5 months pregnant and I didn’t want to get married while I was showing… So we decided to wait and get married later after our son was born. Our son was born in May, my husband went out with his friends after being “locked up” at home taking care of our newborn and me in June (1 month). I didn’t mind that he went out, I felt bad that he hadn’t gotten to go out with his friends so it was fine. That night he met a girl… he really liked her and they only talked or even knew each other for 3 days until I found out and everything between the two ended. I confronted them both.. and what not. It ended he was sorry. I knew he was. The trust though, was not there. I gave him back my engagement ring during this time… and I told him not to give it back to me until he felt that he was truly sorry and gave him time to reevaluate what he wanted. He asked me to marry him again in September… 3 months later. I accepted.. and then we got civilly married, mainly b/c we wanted to buy a house. I told him, in my eyes nothing was official until we had a ceremony. Fine. Now, we are debating on whether to stay together or not. He has said that he has fallen out of love with me. He doesn’t know why, he is just unhappy. A few months back, I thought things were nearly perfect. Then he started talking to random girls… nothing came out of it except a bunch of emails, texts and phone calls. At the end, they ended up talking about our marital problems. He would tell them how unhappy he was and he’s just with me because he doesn’t want to lose our son. I’m heartbroken and don’t know how to fix any of this. We have just decided today to see a marriage counselor and have moved out for the time being. At one point, he said he didn’t want to try anymore… that he was just not in love anymore. After I told him that we should just end it and I’d move out… he thought about it again and wants to try… well, he wants to see if our marriage is salvageable. He has also locked his phone and changed his passwords to everything restricting me from looking at any of his things. Reason: b/c that’s how I found out he was talking to all these girls. (three of them… and very flirty, but at the end.. they’re all just friends.. but still, it’s disrespectful). Any advice? I don’t know how to fix us. I’d love to have a family that is happy. He’s unhappy and neither of us know why.
Me and my fiancee have been together for two years. For one year of our relationship, he was having an affair with two other women. since then, he has “changed”. I know he is completely dedicated to me now, and I know for sure he is not cheating. However, the bitterness I feel in my heart is so hard to toss aside, and rightly so. He’s been an excellent boyfriend since then, taking me out all of the time, showering me with gifts, saying the most adoring things, baking me cookies, taking care of me… but I don’t feel in love anymore. He said he cheated because he was in a bad place and confused about who or what he wanted, and then it all clicked together and he decided he wanted me. There are a few more shallow things about the relationship that bother me.. 1, he’s not interested in reading while I’m a book-worm, and he’s often a negative person about people and the world in general, and ignorantly so. I don’t know, that’s probably my bitterness talking but I really want to make this work… but I’m not sure if it’ll survive.
what if I have to start all over again? I was a single mom from the moment I became pregnant with my now 16yr old son. I raised him on my own and became involved with a friend at age 24 and by 25 had my daughter. By the time she was 6mths old, I was a single mom again.
I met my Fiancé shortly after at work and we have been together now for 6yrs. I don’t think I love him anymore. He is a very private person and because of this I have felt alienated by him. It took him over 2yrs just to introduce me to his friends and family. They were all shocked to hear that we had already been together so long when we met. He procrastinates everything and I feel like I have to nag and beg to get what I need and then he accuses me of “lecturing” him.
He holds his family on a pedestal that I feel my children and I will never reach in his eyes.
He used to be my best friend. I thought he was my perfect match.
Now, I wonder…am I getting married because I don’t want to go back to the life I had before? I like not being a single mom anymore. I like being like the other girls with a ring on my finger. I like being part of the club. I don’t want to go back to being judged because I have an older child at such a young age. I have an amazing job but that won’t stop people from looking at me like I’m trash.
I don’t want to be trash.
What if I leave? Then what will happen? I don’t think I want to know. I just want to fall back in love…
Me and my husband have been together for 11 years,married 4 years out of the 11. We have been struggling in our marriage for the past 2 years. I feel like I am not in love with him anymore, and I feel like i’m just being so selfish. We have been through so much in our 11 years together. I was 14 when we got together, and he was 16. I am now 25, and feel as if we’ve grown into two different people. We have two beautiful children, which I would do anything to save our marriage for, but because of my insecurities i am unable to completely fall in love again. It all really started when I got employed with a job that caused me to be away from my home more often then I expected. I worked shift work with lots of overtime, but no time with my family. He on the other hand has really never worked. I’ve always been the back bone in our family, and made sure to put food on the table, so that he can finish school so that one day, I can go back. When I started this new job, I started talking with one of my Co-workers, I started being very secretive towards my husband with my phone,and it all ended quick because it didnt take my husband long to catch on to what I was doing. When it all came down he confessed to have doing many things, and that he had cheated more times then he can remember. I know I messed up, but I can’t seem to get over everything!! I’m am now trying my hardest to fall back in love with him, and I feel it is impossible!! He does everything for me, tells me everything I want to hear, when he never bothered or cared to before. I just feel like I always loved him more then he ever did before, and now it’s the other way around. We started attending a church that is currently doing a serious about Falling in Love, and Staying in Love, and I think it has been very helpfull, but i still find myself unable to give him my all. They say that the key to a strong and lasting relationship is “Mutual Submission” Meaning you open your heart up to the other person, which makes you vulnerable to being hurt again. I just don’t want to ever get hurt again, and I won’t let it happen. How or what else is left for me to do. I know he loves me with everyting he has inside. I just can’t return the feelings because of the guilt I have for what i’ve already done, and the hurtful truth he told me about his past encounters. And he also cheated when I was pregnant 4 years ago, but I caught him on the computer before he went any further. Hope someone has some kind of inspirational advice for me, because i’m lost!!
I have been with my husband for 13 years, and 9 of those years married. we were seperated because he cheated and had an affair with a younger female. We have 2 kids together, and I truly loved him, rather love him. I was willing to look past all of the hurt and forgive and move on….till recently, and no surprise to hear, he told me that he loves me very much, as much and even more than his mother….but hes not in love with me. He said that hes trying to fall back in love with me, he wants to love me like he did. I feel like he is forcing himself, when he tells me that. What do I do. What can i say to him. I do love him. I am in live with him, but its because I choose to be.
You are sooooo right. Love is a decision and a commitment. It’s not something that changes based on hormones and how we feel about ourselves. (or it shouldn’t be anyway). Great topic and something I think I’ll address on goodhusbanding.com. I’ll definitely be back to read more.
your all dreaming if you think your feelings will return…once it’s gone and you actually have that feeling of…”oh I’m secure without him yea!”and you feel light and free..your heart will never return to that “true love” state..believe me I know.I was sooo in love with him at one time I called him my king!……I was in and out of this marriage for 15 years…”trying to make it work”…I did everything people describe on this blog and he never “got it”..so to speak..he said he realized his neglect and un-enthusiasm for the marriage..so I bought it..and we tried..but I am dead inside for him..we cuddle each other and tell each other we love each other..but I am unable to have sex with him unless I get tipsy or drunk(maybe once a month)as it is men are very lazy and un creative in bed…so whats in it for the woman I have yet to discover and I’ve been with enough men to know this as fact!..we have 4 kids together 10 to 17..and it was much easier when we were separated..I actually got a couple days break from them!…it was heaven!and then I would appreciate and love them much more for the other 5….of course the kids want us together (what do they know)they have only seen us struggle…they don’t know happy parents…my husband always made me feel like a lowlife because I don’t bring a large income to the family(I always worked part time even while raising the kids)..that’s the reason I stay..I’m 45 with no skills to get a job to support the kids..and I cant rip them out of their home again..(Ive moved out three times with them already)on top of it we have to live with his elderly father..huge downer and huge turn off..I go through the motions each day for the kids..I’m not really interested in staying on this planet..but I will for my kids who I do love..they are the only things that bring me any joy in living..we don’t have money problems(he’s well off)never have…even shopping or vacation brings me no excitement..I cant remember the last time I was excited..guess that’s just for kids anyway.Adulthood and marriage are huge “Kill-joys” for happiness..If you can get out and stay out..I promise you will find Joy again..and yes people..the grass is greener when love is dead..and that’s a no brain er
My husband is a lovely person so well liked by everyone and has not got one bad bone in his body. He is wonderful father to our 4 much loved children and I know I make him unhappy at times because I no longer shower him with affection like I used to. I find his laid back views on life are driving me mad, I want to drive things forward only to be met by his manana manana attitude which really pulls me down. i know he works hard we both do with full time jobs but most nights he falls asleep on the settee watching TV. His idea of romance is always humour but quite frankly after 28 years this is no longer entertaining me. I feel we are both settling for things instead of actually enjoying life as we should this is not a dress rehearsal. I am not ready to settle for carpet slippers I want to live life to the full before we can’t. Not in our 60′s yet! I loved him more than anything once and still do love him but I am not in love anymore and I want to be.
Lynn,
I know it is frustrating. We all have this perception of what we want in our life and how we should feel. First thing I know for sure is watch out for temptation. Meaning when we have an emptiness inside you can be sure someone will come along that will fill it. In short without giving all precautions, talk to your husband. I’m going to give you a secret. He is not going to be perceptive to you and offer back the answer or attention you desire because he is a man in his castle. When his castle is threatened he will come to arms like a night. Telling him isn’t enough. Telling him and letting him know that you may contemplate seperation if things don’t get better might do the trick.
No good man wants to loose his family. Just make sure your expectations are not so high that he can’t meet them. It is difficult to determin if you can have the same feeling like when you met. You know eachother so there is no mystery like when a relationship starts. That is why affairs feel so good at first and the sad part is your lack of desire for him is an emotional one that comes from your desire to feel alive and feel it should come from the one you love.
There is no good answer that makes it all right. It is important to have date nights according to your schedule. Make time for eachother is key and as a suggestion something I came up with. Plan a date night doing something he likes with him and pay for it if possible. In return tell him that the next date night it is up to him to set up something he knows you will like. The biggest relationship problem is when we wait for the other to make the first move. Love is an action and when done right with a sense of purity and lack of expectation, it will deliver. If you expect nothing in return you will have a greater chance of enjoying what comes. Hope this helped.
good luck with date night..been there done that..the man will eventually taper off and you will get stuck organizing every romantic task once again and once again not feel special or romantic after because only you do the arranging…we went to christian relationship rescue type sessions and have seen two counselors…one said the man does 3 romantic nights to the woman’s 1 and every 29 days the relationship should be honored with a token and a toast to how honored you both feel to be together..I think this could actually work if the man did his part..all the woman wants is a little surprise and excitement…that’s all!..men don’t seem to get that or it’s impossible for men to be consistent which is also key to keeping love alive…most important thing to women at the end if the day…”is he fun out of bed?”..or the”I don’t want a man I can live with…I want a man I cant live without”..without a man “fully participating” in the marriage whats the point?
Summer D,
You have true insight into the inner workings of men. It also sounds like you have been let down by someone you love and that is the man’s biggest downfall. We put it on the ones we love to stay sexy and exciting to help stop our eyes from wandering and getting bored with routines. When we feel like we are falling out of love it is always our partners fault. They make us feel the way we do by not showing affection when we need it and helping when we want it. You can go home to a clean house and find something that isn’t right. A spoon not put back, a towel or clothes not in a basket.
It is a road that once you start down is hard to turn back. Let me ask this. Our partners as a whole male or female either way. When we feel that the love is lost to us. Why is it when the relationship is over and you part ways that someone else can come along and fall in love with that partner. The one you just couldn’t fall back in love with. Why is it that you can’t be intimate with someone who shares the same financial and family struggle you do yet someone else whom has not gone through that struggle can step in and be in love and be intimate?
An affair is a relationship with all the mental and physical needs being met without the strings of lifes struggle. Look at the one you fell out of love with. Take away the responsibilities of work, bills, house work, kids and see if that man or woman would not be a different person with you. There is no keeping score in a relationship. It is the one game in life that the score doesn’t determine the winner because there is no winner but someone always looses when its treated like a game.
I think being in a long term marriage and going through life’s struggles together can sometimes deem things to not be so romantic… Little things that didn’t seem so big at the beginning now annoy the heck out of you!! Date night and romance all come easy in the beginning because at that stage in your love life you MEN are trying to pursue the woman and catch her so to speak. All that in love feeling is fresh and new.. JUst like getting a new car at first is so cool..Newness wears off but it doesn’t have to be that way.
Honestly I truly believe men and women relate differently and come to expect date night and romance differently and life in general. As a woman myself I crave date nights and romantic things yet to my hubby this might not be so top on his priority list. ( Not that it is a bad thing on his part). He deems his work as a means to show how much he cares. I think priorities are different for men and women. Sometimes you just have to find a balance or a compromise that you can both live with and yes the man has to be willing to step up. IMO
Been married 10 years and still in love with my husband
Chad:..I don’t care about the “small stuff”..like the way a man could never load a dishwasher properly or how lazy they are in bed..I don’t play games..If all the stresses were takin away we for sure would not be together..he has no skills for a relationship and I wouldn’t be stuck with his sorry ass..once the kids are raised I’m outta here…that’s all I know for sure..just going to be hard living this way for the next 10 years
Read.
I have been with my husband for almost 8 years now and married almost 7 years. When we were dating he was so affectionate and so sweet and always made me feel so good about myself. I was so head over heels for him. When ever he came around I got butterflies so bad it almost made me sick. I never thought that I would find true fairytale love but I did. Well as time has passed things have changed alot. We now have two beautiful children that I raise on my own for two weeks at a time while waiting for my husband to come home for a week. He never shows affection to me anymore or supports me. He says that I need to remind him to show affection to me. Also if we have an argument he always puts it on me that it is my fault and that I am over reacting when he never sees what he’d doing wrong. Plus his mom is constantly in my business and makes me feel like an incompetent parent. My husband doesn’t think that it is a big deal and wont stant up for me. I know I love him and he says he loves me but I don’t know if we’re in love anymore. I want to go on fun dates but it is always a movie where we can never talk. I just wish he would be romantic again with me.
My husband of 10 years, told me that he has been unhappy for a year. he feels disconnected and has let this go so far that he is numb to me. This hurts so bad, when i told him that I feel we are great in bed he said it is just a physical act that gives people pleasure that he feels horrible for not feeling happy and not making me happy. he will try counseling as we have two small children, he is just terrified it may not work as he wants it to work so bad. He has also become cold and judgemental towards everything I do. I feel i dont deserve to be treated like this but for my children and the great love he was had for me I think I have to keep trying to keep my marriage together….. SO sad though
This is so great! One of the ways to build character is to consistently act in a certain way. If you want to be a kind person, consistently commit kind acts and the quality of kindness will form in you. In relationships, if you want to love your spouse, then you must consistently act out in love for them. It’s amazing that what you advise here is exactly what I’m attempting to do to help my relationship with my wife. Every day for 365 days, I’m going to do something loving for my wife, then blog about it. At the end of the 365 days, I’ll show my wife the blog. By doing this I hope to show her that I love her, but also, as your post suggests, I hope that this project will help us to “fall back in love” with each other. Keep up the good work!
I have been married for 34 years to a wonderful man. Over the past 2 years I have cheated on him repeatedly with men with whom I thought I had the “connection”, the “passion”, the “whatever-the-hell I thought I was missing”. Long story short…my husband found out and the napalm hit the fan. And you know what? It’s been 6 really hard months of ups and downs and counseling and uncertainty…but we are making it work. Not because we “should” or we want to stay together for the kids, or whatever lame excuse one could come up with. We are staying together because we really do love each other. He is staying firm with me, and that in and of itself means the world to me. Who knows why we stray; why we become less than thrilled with what we have? All I can say is this. Over the past 6 months I have fallen hard for the man I married all those years ago. If you had told me 3 years ago that it was possible that I fall for him, I would have called you a liar. What matters is this…I have a man who knows me and ACCEPTS me for who I am. He accepts my flaws and bad behavior and is willing to hang in to see if we can make this work. None of the other “men” I was involved with would have stuck around long enough to ask me what I wanted. I can only say..look at what you have and take whatever opportunity you have to try to see if it can work. You will never know unless you try. I thought for so long that my husband either didn’t want what I wanted or was incapable of being on the same wavelength…and what we found was that once we started really talking to each other…we really were each other’s soul mates.
I am about to embark on my 30 th year of marriage and as you all know love ain’t easy….but it is worth every miserable horrible time that you go through. I will be the first to tell you all that there have been times that I hated him, and other moments when I couldn’t love him more or ever imagine myself with anyone else…the secret is to weather the storms, because if you can get through them you will see the sun again, I promise.
Im a grade A OVERTHINKER!! This article has helped me wrap my head around someething I have struggled with my boyfriend for months. I’m going to act in love again and see how it goes. He is so wonderful and its me thats the problem! I cannot thank you enough.
I have tried to hugging my husband when he gets home from work, have the house clean, dinner ready, laundry folded and put away but nothing seems to work! He tells me how unappreciative I am and I don’t understand what else he wants from me! He doesn’t talk to me or when he does he talks down to me! I am running out of things to do to try to save our marriage and my heart is crushed! He is not the same guy I met… all the romantic gestures and kind words are gone! If anyone has a few words of advise it would be greatly appreciated!!
Within the first year of being together my fiancee cheated on me twice. He tells me its my fault because I had us do things outside monogamy. I believe it is but I can’t help feeling hurt, and betrayed. I’ve tried over the past two years to get over it. And I really want to put an effort in but I feel as though its pointless because he’ll just do it again. In between the cheating there were incidents where he was chating with ppl. I even caught him flirting by pretending to be someone else and flirting with him online. After the cheating I made the horrible decision to move in with him and his ex the person he cheated with the first time. We all got along for about a week maybe. Then it was one long miserable year. Inwhich I begged him to move out. In that time we accidently conceived a child. So I was miserable scared pregnant. I felt so alone. I was depressed. I was gonna have a baby with someone I thought I loved but definatly did not trust. My fiancee hated it there as well and fought with his ex almost to the point of violence. I moved back home and had our daughter. Now here we are update. I’m living at home and he’s living at home. He has a terrible anxiety disorder which he developed over the past two years. He’s trying his hardest to make our relationship work. He surprises me all the time. Buys me gifts. Makes me little candle light dinners. Basically right now he’d anything for me. Always tells me I’m beautiful and sexy. But I can’t appreciate it. There’s so Mich resentment over these 3 years that I can’t feel anything back. I fight with him all the time. Were both very hard headed. I know I’m a terrible person cause even when he’s in the throws of an anxiety attack I don’t even want to help him. I’m trying so hard to feel something to get excited when he does something special but I don’t. He’s fixed him now that everything isn’t so chaotic. He’s changed for me and is trying for me. How do I fixed myself for him? How can I love him back? Especially for our daughter. I need to trust him but how?
I have fallen out of love with my 4year relationship. He doesn’t know it. I just get unattached so easily. Breaks my heart that I can’t tell him that because I feel like he doesn’t love me either. Our relationship consist on past 4years of a long distance relationship. I moved for him, then he left me. Then he went to the Military for 6months and finally when he came down to see me. I felt nothing. The sex was like I was having sex with a stranger awkward, not passionate, and not fun. i am not looking for no one out there. How do I fall BACK in LOVE with HIM again? I need help, advices anything really.
Sincerely,
Gina.
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. I used to be so insanely in love with him and we talked about kids and marriage too soon. I dont know what it is but lately I don’t feel the same as I used to. He is still infatuated with me and loves me to death. I do love him, but that Passion that people talk about is gone for me. I want things to work out because I do see myself with him in the future and I see him and I having kids. We have so many great memories and some bad. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this but I’m at a loss. I’ve expressed my feelings to him and he is being supportive. I don’t know if we need space or if I need some time to myself or what. We are only 21 and 22 but sometimes our relationship feels like we are an old married couple. We see eachother everyday but we are always with my family, never alone (we still each live at home). I want things like they used to be. And I know that it is me and not him. Not sure if there is anything he could do to help or if I can do anything. When we first started dating my biggest fear was falling out of love with him and my boyfriend believed that that could not happen. I hope its true because I don’t want to lose him. I do love him and he is my best friend. Just don’t get butterflies or that spark anymore. If anyone has some insight please let ne know!!
Please help!! Three days before Christmas my spouse told me I’m just not in love anymore and wants to separate. I am devastated! I am still very much in love and want to get us back to that place before its too late! I am married to a full time high school English teacher and I am working two jobs and finishing my teaching degree at night. We also have 4 amazing beautiful children. I cook dinner every night, I do the laundry and clean the house. When he comes home and yells I’m home, I run with the kids to hug him and tell him I love him. I am not saying I’m perfect I make mistakes. I get tired and snap when I shouldn’t. I have suggested counseling but was told no. I can’t lose my family. I love my spouse more than anything in the world, so how do I help someone remember why they fell in love with me????
When it comes to “falling out of love,” I have to say that I agree with the original article. Love is more like a series of actions and inactions than a feeling. The most relevant explanation I have found is that falling out of love is just becoming too familiar with your partner and getting lazy. A close second to that explanation is that we tend to act like the ideal partner until we get tired of it, and then we let our true selves show for better of for worse. Emotions are tricky, and often we can feel several different emotions over the same circumstance. Just the mere fact that there are conditions like clinical depression in the world is proof that emotions are not to be trusted.
My husband and I have had a rocky four years of marriage. Altogether, our relationship has been five years. It’s not that we ever stopped caring about each other. We have struggled so much because of our deep commitment to this love. For our most recent anniversary I felt like my husband was blowing it off. He was sick on the actual day, and on our planned “re-do” day he told me he’d rather stay home and watch a movie with snacks instead of go out and have a romantic dinner and movie date. After I sulked for hours, making stupid jokes about how depressing this anniversary was, my husband finally got fed up with my tantrum and started to tell me off. It was only after a couple of bitter hours of arguing that one of us mentioned how things used to be. He told me dinner and movies at home was how he remembered most of our dating relationship and that he was trying to be romantic by doing it again. I was so wrong to think he wanted to blow me off.
We are not perfect, and we’ve done some things we regret. That being said, we are absolutely faithful and devoted to each other, just not as gooey and mushy as I’ve always wanted us to be. I have to think of things I enjoy about him when I want to feel butterflies. He’s kind to everyone, generous and helpful. He’s intelligent and creative, and he’s always able to make me laugh until I can’t stop for a while. I write lists of things I love about him, and I’ve been known to leave them laying around in plain sight for him. It’s not so bad to not have that spark we used to enjoy. I do want to see if it’ll come back someday. I still give him kisses and hugs, I massage his shoulders and demand snuggles at night. When we wake up every busy morning, I try to think of something sweet to say to him, because he’ll need something positive at the start of his day to get through it without quitting the job he hates.
I guess my ultimate goal is to keep enjoying my relationship for what it is, but to be open to a spark of passion if and when it should arise again. I don’t want to be selfish and say “I love him but I’m not in love with him.” That’s just not right. He is a wonderful man, and I adore him 24/7, dirty laundry and pizza boxes, beer bottles and toilet seat up. All of it.
Hi!
Very interesting article! I’m just going to play devils advocate for a moment.. The one thing I am doubting about is that it feels a little bit like one is supposed to pretend. If at the beginning of a relationship these feelings came without any effort it means that the love was just there, so when you come to this stage in your life that you dont feel it anymore, should you just pretend that it’s there? Seems a bit hard and forceful?
Thanks!
What are you suppose to do if you did stretch yourself thin trying to make the other person happy but they hurt you so badly that you just don’t feel like you ever can again? I’ve been married for 6 years and for the first 4 my husband constantly cheated on me. He would try to make it up by buying me things, jewelry, flowers, a car, but would then the next day cheat again. We’ve been working on things the last two years and he’s trying very hard to be that perfect husband and perfect dad, but I have no feelings anymore. I don’t want a divorce because I do love my husband. I’m just not in love with him. I’ve tried these things suggested in the article, but I get fed up being I feel like its all fake.