Her husband lied about strip clubs. What’s next?
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Q: My husband has been going to Myrtle Beach each year with some guys from work. I’ve asked whether or not they’ve gone to strip clubs and he has always told me that they have not. Well, don’t you know, I found out that they really had. When I confronted my husband, though, he just kept feeding me one lie after another. He still hasn’t completely fessed up! Now I’m not sure where the truth stops and the lies begin. If he lied about this, what else will he lie about? Is he cheating on me, too?—Deceived
Dear Deceived:
One of the unfortunate truths about married life is this: most, if not all, spouses lie at one time or another, and our spouses are more likely to lie to us than to any other person in their lives.
Many of my regular Project: Happily Ever After readers are probably now shaking their heads, muttering something like, “My spouse doesn’t lie. I guess I got one of the good ones.”
My response: are you really sure about that?
The website the Truth About Deception has has surveyed thousands of men and women. Nearly half of the spouses surveyed admitted to lying about their feelings for another person (no, I don’t think she’s hot), their sexual fantasies (no, I never think about lesbians/strippers/prostitutes/your sister), and masturbation (I only like to orgasm with you, honey), among many other topics. Interestingly, more than half had snooped on their partner at one time or another—to catch their partner in a lie—and then lied about the fact that they’d snooped!
And despite what shows like The Mentalist might have us believe about nonverbal cues giving away a liar, it’s really hard to tell whether or not someone is lying. The only way to know for sure is to already know the truth (think: private investigator).
But if you hire a private investigator and snoop around, you’re just encouraging your spouse to lie even more. That’s right. Your spouse is most likely to lie to you if you:
Interrogate him. The nosier you are, the more invaded he will feel. The more invaded he feels, the more likely he’ll tell you lies just to get you to back off.
Set firm expectations. The more you care about how he does or does not do something, the more likely he will lie about that something. In other words, if you could care less that your husband went to strip clubs, he’d probably tell you all about going to strip clubs.
Freak out whenever he tells the truth. Think of your husband as Pavlov’s dog. If you punish him for telling the truth, he probably will stop telling the truth. If you reward him for telling the truth, he’ll tell the truth more often.
So how do you get him to tell the truth?
1. Create a very safe environment for him to tell the truth. You explain that honesty is more important to you than anything else. You tell him that you really can forgive him for anything (and you absolutely have to mean this), but you cannot forgive him for lying. You. Just. Can’t.
2. Leave dicey topics up for negotiation. Rather than handing out mandates–You must never step foot in a strip club! You must never look at nude pictures of women! You must never flirt with another woman!–you discuss these controversial topics openly and civilly, arriving at a consensus that you can both live with.
3. Trust him. Stop snooping. Stop interrogating. Stop trying to prove that he’s a dirty, rotten, liar. You live by the motto: what I don’t know about can’t end my marriage. Please note that I’m not telling you to ignore evidence that’s right before your eyes, such as the friend who says she saw him with another woman or the proverbial lipstick on the shirt collar. I’m just saying that you stop playing detective.
4. Be transparent and honest. If you want him to tell the truth, you need to do it, too.
Hey, I never said it would be easy.
Know that, even by doing all of that, your husband will probably still lie every once in a while. He might not even realize he’s doing it. He’ll do it because he thinks the lie is the right answer. Case in point: not long ago, I was sitting next to my husband at a bar. The bartender was a slender woman with long red hair. Imagine a red headed Angelina Jolie and you are imagining this bartender.
My husband was talking to her in an animated way, in a kind of way I have not seen him talk since, well, years ago, when we were dating. In his own harmless way, he was flirting.
So, I said, “She’s really hot, don’t you think?” He said, “Her? No. Not at all.”
I said, “Oh come on. You think she’s hot.” He said, “No, I don’t.” The more I pressed, the more he dug in.
For a while, I was a little concerned. I thought, “If he lies to me about this, what else will he lie about?” Then I realized that he was just trying not to upset me. He lied because he thought, “Yes, she’s hot” was the wrong answer. And why wouldn’t he? We’ve trained men to think this way, haven’t we? They say they think a woman is hot and we roll our eyes or throw water in their faces. So they go to plan B: never tell wife that another woman is hot.
For your benefit, I asked my husband about your husband’s strip club habits. He said that he thought your husband lied because nearly all married men lie about whether or not they go to strip clubs. They know their wives wouldn’t like it and wouldn’t understand, so they hide it.
“So how does she know if he’s having an affair then?” I asked. “Where’s the line?”
He said, “If he just goes to these clubs once a year with his buddies? It’s not a big deal. It’s just one of those guy bonding things. If he goes once a week by himself? She has something to worry about.”
And I tend to agree.
For more about lying and deception, I encourage you to check out the Truth About Deception.
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Tags: lying
June 26th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
It’s funny, my husband’s best friend got married last weekend, and since this guy and my husband have been friends since they were born–literally, of course, my husband attended the Bachelor Party. He even helped plan it! And at first, I totally wanted my husband to go….
When my husband and I got married a few months ago I had absolutely NO problem with HIM having a bachelor party of his own, in fact, I almost had to talk him into it. Seriously! But for some reason, the idea of him going to SOMEONE ELSE’s bachelor party, I was not so much a fan of. When the night came and he was getting ready, I was like “uh, wait a minute,” to myself..not to him.
Anyway, they all ended up going to sort of Strip Club (half naked women serving beer/cocktails, but not really naked or exotic dancing), and when my husband came home and started to tell me about it, I was rather uncomfortable. I mean, I’m really glad he came to me and told me (most of) what happened. He was very honest and forthright, and half drunk, and fortunately for me, when my husband is drunk he CANNOT tell a lie even if he tried! But my point is, he was describing the evening and after about ten minutes I said “you know what, I REALLY do appreciate and respect your honesty. I think it’s great and it speaks volumes about our relationship, but I am still your wife, and I’m not one of the guys. I am really, super glad you had fun, but I don’t need to know anything else. I know you didn’t do anything stupid and I’m glad you’re comfortable telling me all about it, but really, babe, I don’t need to know anymore! I’m sure (another male friend) would love to hear about it though! Why don’t you tell him next time you seem him?” I just couldn’t take anymore. It was freaking me out.
It was so weird too because I’m not normally a jealous or posesive person, but the thought of a half naked woman around my husband, let alone a lot of them–I didn’t really like that at all! I’m secure in myself, and know I’m hot and all that, but let’s face it, guys are guys and you know…stupid stuff happens.
I just didn’t want to envision some hot girl with big boobs serving my husband a drink–not a nice picture in my mind, my thought is “get away from MY man,” you know, I know that’s her job and it was all in good fun, but still….I just didn’t like the idea! So, that was that.
I have to say that I do appreciate my husband’s willingness to tell me about the night and the fact that I KNOW he can’t tell a lie when he drinks (which isn’t not often at all) helped a lot! But I can honestly say it was one of the WEIRDEST conversations we’ve ever had and probably the most ‘wife-like’ I’ve felt since we got married this past March!
Lying in a relationship is rarely a good thing and the thing about trust is that it takes a lifetime to build and only one single moment or, one dumb decision to break it.
To the woman in this story, I feel for you. The LYING would hurt me more, and I wish you the best of luck.
But Alisa is right, don’t ineterrogate or be too strict. I didn’t send my husband off to the Bachelor Party last weekend with a list of “can and can’t” do’s; he’s a big boy, we have great sex and mutual trust and respect. I did ask that he keep his wedding band on, though. (Not that means much to half naked women, but still, it meant a lot to me) Other than that, I told him to go and have a good time! And even though it made me a bit uncomfortable hearing about it, I’m so glad he had such a great time! He deserves it! He rarely gets to see his friends and works super hard with his job and you know, in the end, he chose ME for the rest of his life, and no matter how hot the girl–I know he’s coming home to me!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
June 26th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Whatever, I couldn’t care less if my husband goes to a strip club. We usually attend them together!
June 27th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Some really great insight into why spouses lie to one another. I’m sure it happens much more than one may think. Especially the one about never admitting another woman is hot to your wife. I have personally been guilty of that one a few times.
June 28th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
great and long + intresting question?
may all read this
June 28th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
I think going to the strip club every now and again is okay. It’s when you start spending the ‘grocery’ money on strippers that seems to cause problems. We all tell white lies, I’m wondering what little white lie she has told her hubby. Hey, we’re human…we all have flaws. Maybe next time he wants to go to the strip club..he should invite her.
July 5th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
This all comes down to honesty and trust within a marriage. You trusted that your husband was being truthful when you initially asked him about his trip to Myrtle Beach. He has since been on this annual trip several times – continuing to lie about the events of the trip. Why does he lie? Because he knows that the truth will damage his marriage – that he is not behaving in an honorable way toward his wife. Decieved also notes that he continues to lie and is not telling her everything. What does this mean? What could he be holding back? If he just “hung out” at a strip club why can’t he just be truthful about it?
Perhaps he had one too many private lap dances – would you call this cheating on your wife? Well I guess it depends on your definition of monogamy and honor. In any other venue I think it would be considered cheating. Would it be ok if you walked into your living room and found your naked next-door neighbor giving your hubby a lap-dance? For most married folk I would think not.
I understand the advice given to Decieved. However, I think you’re being too harsh on her. You tell her to “create a very safe environment for him in order to tell the truth”. Now think about this – he just created for HER a very unsafe environment – a world where she doesn’t know if he can be trusted. Also – you say to “Set firm expectations” but then in the next sentence you blame her by saying hey if you could just be cool with strip clubs then he would tell you all about it!! What?!? So what are these firm expectations?? I say what goes for her goes for him – it sounds as though this couple does NOT go to strip clubs together – that this activity is NOT part of their marriage. So if he does not want her to engage in this behavior why is he allowed to do it?? You could compare this to many things -for instance drugs – if he doesn’t want a wife who gets high weekly is it OK for him to do it?? No, it’s called being a hypocrite.
Comparing this deception to lying about your fantasies and/or whether or not you think someone is hot IS NOT comparable. This situation in Myrtle Beach involves REAL actual live NAKED people. It sounds like a group of “boys” who go down there annually to get their WILD side on – I’m sure most of them are married, the wives are home taking care of the kids, and they get to play “Let’s get wild and horny – our wives well never know – ha -ha”. It’s a lie that I’m sure they ALL keep from their wives because once again they KNOW it’s not honorable and would damage their marriages.
Also – it kills me that people compare a long-time lie like this with a “white lie” she might tell her husband. So if Deceived lied about buying a new dress at Macy’s that would compare to her husband getting 5 private lap-dances on his four-day trip to Mrytle Beach??? Don’t think so. One just sounds so much sleazier than the other.
On another note – Why do women think they have to put up with this behavior? Why is it OK for men to have wild bachelor parties with naked women? It’s frustrating that many women do not see or refuse to see the truth behind these parties. They are disrespectful to the fiance. He has just declared his love to you, his desire to have a family with you , to grow old together, etc. But first he has to go out and get some T&A all over his face! Wow – isn’t that cool?? How sweet of him. (Yes – I hear those dissenters – “oh, but boys will be boys” – NOTE the operative word is BOYS)
Remember these are women that your husband/boyfriend would never marry or have kids with – they’re just women to use for their own horny adventures. These are women who are looked down upon by both you AND your husband/fiance. Do you see the hypocrisy??
Now back to Decieved – I would encourage both of them to go to couples therapy. By doing so they can explore their own marital boundaries, including how to show respect for one another and Decieved can regain her trust in him. He has much work to do in order to repair their marriage. Sending good wishes to Decieved!
July 6th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Yes, it’s me again with another comment (as you can tell I’ve got a ton of them!)
Regarding strip clubs – why can’t we just be truthful and cut all the bull—-
Strip clubs are sleazy, they’re located on the sleazy side of town (I bet you don’t have one next to your church or kids school), sleazy folks work there, and sleazy things happen in them (in addition to sex acts, drugs, violence, etc.).
Obviously we don’t want our spouses hanging out in sleazy places.
Think about this too – why don’t we ever see letters from husbands concerned about their wives going away with girlfriends and doing sleazy things??
Well, I would say because most of the women I know aren’t interested in being sleazy. It wouldn’t even enter our minds to do the stuff some men would do on a guy’s weekend. (FYI:Our husbands know this about us by the way) Our idea of wild is drinking a bottle of wine while wolfing down a plate of brownies and ordering too much Silpada jewelry.
Let’s be honest – we want spouses who are respectable, upstanding citizens – and hanging out in strip clubs does not fit.
July 8th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
I’m sorry but I have to respond to “Lady” – if you go to strip clubs with your husband, you are far from a lady. If you are that type of woman, fine, but do not fool yourself into thinking that you meet any of the expectations of a true lady. My husband would be totally turned off of me if I went to strip clubs or if I was into any type of porn – He wants to spend his life with (as he says) a woman with honor, morals, values. We have an extremely exciting and flirtacious relationship and we don’t need outsiders, paid or otherwise to stimulate our love life. Some women aren’t as lucky and figure if they can’t beat it then join in – I find that most woman I know like this are extremely insecure about themselves, usually physically. This is their way of trying to act as if they are happily married and that they are ok with it all. If you are honest with yourself you will see the true reasons why you choose to encourage your husband to exploit women and to do it yourself. Stripping is the first level of prostitution – it should never be “ok” with any woman. Women have fought hard to get where we are today in society, but we will never be 100% equal as long as we allow our men to victimize women sexually, be it porn, strip clubs or what have you. I’m sorry “Miss Unladylike” but you should try to figure out what your insecurities are that allow you to think this behavior is acceptable…….