Q: My husband has been going to Myrtle Beach each year with some guys from work. I’ve asked whether or not they’ve gone to strip clubs and he has always told me that they have not. Well, don’t you know, I found out that they really had. When I confronted my husband, though, he just kept feeding me one lie after another. He still hasn’t completely fessed up! Now I’m not sure where the truth stops and the lies begin. If he lied about this, what else will he lie about? Is he cheating on me, too?—Deceived
Dear Deceived:
One of the unfortunate truths about married life is this: most, if not all, spouses lie at one time or another, and our spouses are more likely to lie to us than to any other person in their lives.
Many of my regular Project: Happily Ever After readers are probably now shaking their heads, muttering something like, “My spouse doesn’t lie. I guess I got one of the good ones.”
My response: are you really sure about that?
The website the Truth About Deception has has surveyed thousands of men and women. Nearly half of the spouses surveyed admitted to lying about their feelings for another person (no, I don’t think she’s hot), their sexual fantasies (no, I never think about lesbians/strippers/prostitutes/your sister), and masturbation (I only like to orgasm with you, honey), among many other topics. Interestingly, more than half had snooped on their partner at one time or another—to catch their partner in a lie—and then lied about the fact that they’d snooped!
And despite what shows like The Mentalist might have us believe about nonverbal cues giving away a liar, it’s really hard to tell whether or not someone is lying. The only way to know for sure is to already know the truth (think: private investigator).
But if you hire a private investigator and snoop around, you’re just encouraging your spouse to lie even more. That’s right. Your spouse is most likely to lie to you if you:
Interrogate him. The nosier you are, the more invaded he will feel. The more invaded he feels, the more likely he’ll tell you lies just to get you to back off.
Set firm expectations. The more you care about how he does or does not do something, the more likely he will lie about that something. In other words, if you could care less that your husband went to strip clubs, he’d probably tell you all about going to strip clubs.
Freak out whenever he tells the truth. Think of your husband as Pavlov’s dog. If you punish him for telling the truth, he probably will stop telling the truth. If you reward him for telling the truth, he’ll tell the truth more often.
So how do you get him to tell the truth?
1. Create a very safe environment for him to tell the truth. You explain that honesty is more important to you than anything else. You tell him that you really can forgive him for anything (and you absolutely have to mean this), but you cannot forgive him for lying. You. Just. Can’t.
2. Leave dicey topics up for negotiation. Rather than handing out mandates–You must never step foot in a strip club! You must never look at nude pictures of women! You must never flirt with another woman!–you discuss these controversial topics openly and civilly, arriving at a consensus that you can both live with.
3. Trust him. Stop snooping. Stop interrogating. Stop trying to prove that he’s a dirty, rotten, liar. You live by the motto: what I don’t know about can’t end my marriage. Please note that I’m not telling you to ignore evidence that’s right before your eyes, such as the friend who says she saw him with another woman or the proverbial lipstick on the shirt collar. I’m just saying that you stop playing detective.
4. Be transparent and honest. If you want him to tell the truth, you need to do it, too.
Hey, I never said it would be easy.
Know that, even by doing all of that, your husband will probably still lie every once in a while. He might not even realize he’s doing it. He’ll do it because he thinks the lie is the right answer. Case in point: not long ago, I was sitting next to my husband at a bar. The bartender was a slender woman with long red hair. Imagine a red headed Angelina Jolie and you are imagining this bartender.
My husband was talking to her in an animated way, in a kind of way I have not seen him talk since, well, years ago, when we were dating. In his own harmless way, he was flirting.
So, I said, “She’s really hot, don’t you think?” He said, “Her? No. Not at all.”
I said, “Oh come on. You think she’s hot.” He said, “No, I don’t.” The more I pressed, the more he dug in.
For a while, I was a little concerned. I thought, “If he lies to me about this, what else will he lie about?” Then I realized that he was just trying not to upset me. He lied because he thought, “Yes, she’s hot” was the wrong answer. And why wouldn’t he? We’ve trained men to think this way, haven’t we? They say they think a woman is hot and we roll our eyes or throw water in their faces. So they go to plan B: never tell wife that another woman is hot.
For your benefit, I asked my husband about your husband’s strip club habits. He said that he thought your husband lied because nearly all married men lie about whether or not they go to strip clubs. They know their wives wouldn’t like it and wouldn’t understand, so they hide it.
“So how does she know if he’s having an affair then?” I asked. “Where’s the line?”
He said, “If he just goes to these clubs once a year with his buddies? It’s not a big deal. It’s just one of those guy bonding things. If he goes once a week by himself? She has something to worry about.”
And I tend to agree.
For more about lying and deception, I encourage you to check out the Truth About Deception.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 14 comments }
It’s funny, my husband’s best friend got married last weekend, and since this guy and my husband have been friends since they were born–literally, of course, my husband attended the Bachelor Party. He even helped plan it! And at first, I totally wanted my husband to go….
When my husband and I got married a few months ago I had absolutely NO problem with HIM having a bachelor party of his own, in fact, I almost had to talk him into it. Seriously! But for some reason, the idea of him going to SOMEONE ELSE’s bachelor party, I was not so much a fan of. When the night came and he was getting ready, I was like “uh, wait a minute,” to myself..not to him.
Anyway, they all ended up going to sort of Strip Club (half naked women serving beer/cocktails, but not really naked or exotic dancing), and when my husband came home and started to tell me about it, I was rather uncomfortable. I mean, I’m really glad he came to me and told me (most of) what happened. He was very honest and forthright, and half drunk, and fortunately for me, when my husband is drunk he CANNOT tell a lie even if he tried! But my point is, he was describing the evening and after about ten minutes I said “you know what, I REALLY do appreciate and respect your honesty. I think it’s great and it speaks volumes about our relationship, but I am still your wife, and I’m not one of the guys. I am really, super glad you had fun, but I don’t need to know anything else. I know you didn’t do anything stupid and I’m glad you’re comfortable telling me all about it, but really, babe, I don’t need to know anymore! I’m sure (another male friend) would love to hear about it though! Why don’t you tell him next time you seem him?” I just couldn’t take anymore. It was freaking me out.
It was so weird too because I’m not normally a jealous or posesive person, but the thought of a half naked woman around my husband, let alone a lot of them–I didn’t really like that at all! I’m secure in myself, and know I’m hot and all that, but let’s face it, guys are guys and you know…stupid stuff happens.
I just didn’t want to envision some hot girl with big boobs serving my husband a drink–not a nice picture in my mind, my thought is “get away from MY man,” you know, I know that’s her job and it was all in good fun, but still….I just didn’t like the idea! So, that was that.
I have to say that I do appreciate my husband’s willingness to tell me about the night and the fact that I KNOW he can’t tell a lie when he drinks (which isn’t not often at all) helped a lot! But I can honestly say it was one of the WEIRDEST conversations we’ve ever had and probably the most ‘wife-like’ I’ve felt since we got married this past March!
Lying in a relationship is rarely a good thing and the thing about trust is that it takes a lifetime to build and only one single moment or, one dumb decision to break it.
To the woman in this story, I feel for you. The LYING would hurt me more, and I wish you the best of luck.
But Alisa is right, don’t ineterrogate or be too strict. I didn’t send my husband off to the Bachelor Party last weekend with a list of “can and can’t” do’s; he’s a big boy, we have great sex and mutual trust and respect. I did ask that he keep his wedding band on, though. (Not that means much to half naked women, but still, it meant a lot to me) Other than that, I told him to go and have a good time! And even though it made me a bit uncomfortable hearing about it, I’m so glad he had such a great time! He deserves it! He rarely gets to see his friends and works super hard with his job and you know, in the end, he chose ME for the rest of his life, and no matter how hot the girl–I know he’s coming home to me!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Whatever, I couldn’t care less if my husband goes to a strip club. We usually attend them together!
Some really great insight into why spouses lie to one another. I’m sure it happens much more than one may think. Especially the one about never admitting another woman is hot to your wife. I have personally been guilty of that one a few times.
great and long + intresting question?
may all read this
I think going to the strip club every now and again is okay. It’s when you start spending the ‘grocery’ money on strippers that seems to cause problems. We all tell white lies, I’m wondering what little white lie she has told her hubby. Hey, we’re human…we all have flaws. Maybe next time he wants to go to the strip club..he should invite her.
This all comes down to honesty and trust within a marriage. You trusted that your husband was being truthful when you initially asked him about his trip to Myrtle Beach. He has since been on this annual trip several times – continuing to lie about the events of the trip. Why does he lie? Because he knows that the truth will damage his marriage – that he is not behaving in an honorable way toward his wife. Decieved also notes that he continues to lie and is not telling her everything. What does this mean? What could he be holding back? If he just “hung out” at a strip club why can’t he just be truthful about it?
Perhaps he had one too many private lap dances – would you call this cheating on your wife? Well I guess it depends on your definition of monogamy and honor. In any other venue I think it would be considered cheating. Would it be ok if you walked into your living room and found your naked next-door neighbor giving your hubby a lap-dance? For most married folk I would think not.
I understand the advice given to Decieved. However, I think you’re being too harsh on her. You tell her to “create a very safe environment for him in order to tell the truth”. Now think about this – he just created for HER a very unsafe environment – a world where she doesn’t know if he can be trusted. Also – you say to “Set firm expectations” but then in the next sentence you blame her by saying hey if you could just be cool with strip clubs then he would tell you all about it!! What?!? So what are these firm expectations?? I say what goes for her goes for him – it sounds as though this couple does NOT go to strip clubs together – that this activity is NOT part of their marriage. So if he does not want her to engage in this behavior why is he allowed to do it?? You could compare this to many things -for instance drugs – if he doesn’t want a wife who gets high weekly is it OK for him to do it?? No, it’s called being a hypocrite.
Comparing this deception to lying about your fantasies and/or whether or not you think someone is hot IS NOT comparable. This situation in Myrtle Beach involves REAL actual live NAKED people. It sounds like a group of “boys” who go down there annually to get their WILD side on – I’m sure most of them are married, the wives are home taking care of the kids, and they get to play “Let’s get wild and horny – our wives well never know – ha -ha”. It’s a lie that I’m sure they ALL keep from their wives because once again they KNOW it’s not honorable and would damage their marriages.
Also – it kills me that people compare a long-time lie like this with a “white lie” she might tell her husband. So if Deceived lied about buying a new dress at Macy’s that would compare to her husband getting 5 private lap-dances on his four-day trip to Mrytle Beach??? Don’t think so. One just sounds so much sleazier than the other.
On another note – Why do women think they have to put up with this behavior? Why is it OK for men to have wild bachelor parties with naked women? It’s frustrating that many women do not see or refuse to see the truth behind these parties. They are disrespectful to the fiance. He has just declared his love to you, his desire to have a family with you , to grow old together, etc. But first he has to go out and get some T&A all over his face! Wow – isn’t that cool?? How sweet of him. (Yes – I hear those dissenters – “oh, but boys will be boys” – NOTE the operative word is BOYS)
Remember these are women that your husband/boyfriend would never marry or have kids with – they’re just women to use for their own horny adventures. These are women who are looked down upon by both you AND your husband/fiance. Do you see the hypocrisy??
Now back to Decieved – I would encourage both of them to go to couples therapy. By doing so they can explore their own marital boundaries, including how to show respect for one another and Decieved can regain her trust in him. He has much work to do in order to repair their marriage. Sending good wishes to Decieved!
Yes, it’s me again with another comment (as you can tell I’ve got a ton of them!)
Regarding strip clubs – why can’t we just be truthful and cut all the bull—-
Strip clubs are sleazy, they’re located on the sleazy side of town (I bet you don’t have one next to your church or kids school), sleazy folks work there, and sleazy things happen in them (in addition to sex acts, drugs, violence, etc.).
Obviously we don’t want our spouses hanging out in sleazy places.
Think about this too – why don’t we ever see letters from husbands concerned about their wives going away with girlfriends and doing sleazy things??
Well, I would say because most of the women I know aren’t interested in being sleazy. It wouldn’t even enter our minds to do the stuff some men would do on a guy’s weekend. (FYI:Our husbands know this about us by the way) Our idea of wild is drinking a bottle of wine while wolfing down a plate of brownies and ordering too much Silpada jewelry.
Let’s be honest – we want spouses who are respectable, upstanding citizens – and hanging out in strip clubs does not fit.
I’m sorry but I have to respond to “Lady” – if you go to strip clubs with your husband, you are far from a lady. If you are that type of woman, fine, but do not fool yourself into thinking that you meet any of the expectations of a true lady. My husband would be totally turned off of me if I went to strip clubs or if I was into any type of porn – He wants to spend his life with (as he says) a woman with honor, morals, values. We have an extremely exciting and flirtacious relationship and we don’t need outsiders, paid or otherwise to stimulate our love life. Some women aren’t as lucky and figure if they can’t beat it then join in – I find that most woman I know like this are extremely insecure about themselves, usually physically. This is their way of trying to act as if they are happily married and that they are ok with it all. If you are honest with yourself you will see the true reasons why you choose to encourage your husband to exploit women and to do it yourself. Stripping is the first level of prostitution – it should never be “ok” with any woman. Women have fought hard to get where we are today in society, but we will never be 100% equal as long as we allow our men to victimize women sexually, be it porn, strip clubs or what have you. I’m sorry “Miss Unladylike” but you should try to figure out what your insecurities are that allow you to think this behavior is acceptable…….
Alisa’s comments here are the most accurate, understanding, sensitive and sensible that I have ever encountered coming from a woman’s perspective. If only more women would read these words and embrace them, a lot of unnecessary suffering, grief, lying, and divorces would be spared. Specifically for me, I didn’t tell my partner that I went to strip clubs about twice a month (but never spending more than $40 and never endangering our finances) at certain stressful periods in my life (there were many years I didn’t go at all, and these were the non-stressful years) because I knew inside she would not want me to. Eight years later I told her the truth, and she set down these rules: no lap dances, and you have to tell me every time you go. The first time I went after she told me this (more than three years later), I followed those rules–but, although she tried to act like she was OK with it, it obviously weirded her out. The next time I went she came with me. She did comment that she could understand why men would come because the women were indeed beautiful. But when a guy next to us gave her a dollar and said “you are the best looking woman in here” she held the dollar up to my face with an angry look that said “see you asshole, you don’t need to come to these places.” She didn’t understand that a man can be totally attracted to his woman and still enjoy finding other women attractive with absolutely NO desire to engage in any sexual activity. Two years after this event (during which I didn’t go to any) I once again went without telling her. The following year I decided to be honest about my most recent visit. Instead of being glad for telling the truth, or at least being OK with it, I was lambasted. And just as Alisa said, my response was to not tell her in the future because the truth bothered her. Now let me be clear to the women out there ready to criticize me, she NEVER told me that if I kept going without telling her that she would divorce me. Had she done this, that would have been the end of my going. To think that I would choose clubs over my very dear partner would be absurd. Yet, she divorced me a year later, using my going to clubs and more importantly my not being truthful about it, as one of the major reasons for leaving. Leaving what had been a mostly wonderful 15 year marriage over this matter without giving me the ultimatum was tragic for me and I think rash for her.
So Alisa, thank you for presenting a reasonable and balanced view. Women like “A True Lady” are judgmental, feminist extremists who want everything their way and want to totally control men. I’m all for women’s rights, equal pay, respect (and if you would go to a good quality club you would see for yourself that the dancers are treated with a LOT of respect), but the only true cheating involves serious sexual activities. Women say they want honesty, but when they get it, they often complain the loudest.
Hi everyone–This is a controversial topic, one that can generate a lot of strong negative feelings in most of us. One of the things I’ve tried hard to do with this site is write about topics that allow us all to have a frank but civil discussion about such topics–so that we may all learn from the many different opinions and perspectives. I think there is a lot to be learned here in the comments, but there are also some outright attacks, too. I’m leaving the comments for now. But I will delete all future comments that attack a specific person for his or her personal story or opinion. It really is possible to state your point of view without intentionally hurting another human. We have lots of evidence and examples of that all over this site. So please take that into consideration. Before writing an angry comment that attacks someone else here, please think, “This person is already hurting and so am I, otherwise neither one of us would be reading this website. I wouldn’t want someone to intentionally hurt me more. Do I want to intentionally take my anger out on someone else?” Thanks so much!
I’m closing the comments on this post due to the antagonistic nature that they are taking on.
Dear Bud,
I feel for you and am sad that your marriage came to an end. I hope you move on and find happiness again. That being said, with your previous experience of her not being comfortable with it and you continuing to do it, you DID kind of know that your marriage could possibly end from this behavior and you were hoping not to get caught. You could tell by her body language and hurt eyes that every time you went you hurt her whether she told you she was going to try and be “ok” with it or not. You KNEW. You were willing to roll the dice and take that chance.
I was raped as a virgin at 16 and my first sex partner after that was my husband at 19 the same year my first child was born. He cheated on me with strippers and lied constantly. We were divorced at 21. At 22 I met my current husband who was previously very promiscuous. Knowing my past, I told him the requirement to be with me. I would NEVER accept any type of sexual behavior outside our relationship. He is very sexual and I should have known better. For the last 17 years he told me how the guys at work went to strip clubs, hired hookers out of town, etc. I thought his honesty meant that he would never do such a thing and that’s what he told me. He talked about them like scum. I felt lucky.
Now that I’ve turned up high-risk HPV positive (could turn to cancer), he has confessed to strip club visits and I found his online porn addiction. I don’t wear my wedding ring anymore and I cry all of the time. He cries all of the time on his knees because he is so sorry now. I don’t feel sorry for him. He is trying to be an amazing husband now and dotes on my like a princess. He’s never treated me better and I want a divorce. I made my rules very clear over and over all of these years. He has wasted the best years of my life. He could have married someone else or been truthful and left. Our 7 year old daughter is his spitting image and she adores him. HE has robbed her of a stable home when he cheated on US. Not ME.
By the way, it wasn’t the TRUTH that bothered her, it was the CHEATING.
Poor Bud, wanted to have his cake and eat it too and then doesn’t understand why his wife got sick of it.
Or would you have been okay with your lovely wife going outside of your marriage to seek out romantic and sexual turn-ons with other men? And, no, a male strip club is not comparable as women are not as visual. I’m talking about activity with other men that would sexually arouse her as you were sexually aroused by sex workers.
How absurd and “entitled” to expect to have a “nice” woman sitting at home who would never in a million years do with other men what you go outside of your relationship and pay other women to do with you.
If you didn’t want to have a woman “control” you, you should have stayed single! Now you are and now your wife is free to find someone who understands the simple truth that when you love someone you treat them with the same respect and consideration you would want for yourself.
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