I hear that refrain a lot from unhappy couples. They bemoan their lack of common hobbies and interests. He likes watching sports. She likes reality TV. He enjoys go-cart racing. She prefers basket weaving. He likes to socialize. She likes to stay in.
Most people assume they must have things in common in order to be happy, but you really don’t. You need very little common ground to make a relationship work. All you really need to have in common are two things:
- You both want your relationship to work.
- You are both willing to make changes to continually improve your relationship.
That’s it. You don’t need to do every single thing together in order to be happy. You don’t need shared hobbies. You just need a good relationship, one that is based on mutual respect. The “we have nothing in common” complaint is really not a complaint about having things in common. Rather it’s a complaint about the overall state of the relationship, which usually isn’t good. Couples who complain about not having things in common usually have other problems: they are not communicating, they are not having sex, they are not romancing each other, and so on.
Once you fix the other issues, the issue of not having things in common usually evaporates. After all, if it were really an issue, it would be easy to solve. You’d just come up with something you both want to do together-perhaps learn a language, start a fitness regimen, or spice up your sex life-and you’d do it.
I know all of this because my husband and I are complete opposites, and we’re very happily married.
This wasn’t always the case. Just a few years ago, I was as miserable as any wife could possibly be, and I told anyone who would listen that my husband and I had “nothing in common,” as if having nothing in common was a disease that married people could catch.
But it wasn’t. We’re happy now, but the not having much in common hasn’t changed.
For instance, just yesterday he rode his motorcycle to Philadelphia to marshal a bike race. This is something I would never in a million years want to do. You could not pay me to do it. Not even a million dollars. My husband? He’d probably pay someone else for the privilege. For safety, he wore full riding gear that looks a lot like what firemen wear when they go into a burning building. Theoretically such protective gear would keep him from losing every inch of his skin were he to get in an accident, but it also serves as a great insulator. It was 85 degrees yesterday. He basically spent his day hunched over on his crotch rocket, riding in circles while wearing the equivalent of a down jumpsuit.
When he got home and took off his helmet, his hair was all matted together and his face looked like it had been exposed to an Everglades swamp for a few weeks. My parents happened to be visiting. My mother said, “He just rode that thing to and from Philadelphia?”
I said, “There are things I will never understand about my husband. Wanting to ride a motorcycle for 8 hours straight in the heat is one of them. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him.”
And it’s true.
There are many, many things I will never understand about my husband. I still wonder how anyone could want to spend so much time reading about cycling as he does, for instance. I also can’t, for the life of me, figure out exactly what he does with his portable GPS and why whatever it is that he does with it takes up so much of his time. He even tried to help me understand this. One night he asked me to sit next to him while he showed me the GPS readout from one of his bike rides.
“See that’s the route,” he said. “If I press this button here, see what happens!”
What was happening was that a little arrow was following a line around the mapped out route.
“Oh, interesting, “I said. What I really meant was, “Oh, I really don’t find that interesting.” But I didn’t say that because I thought it was incredibly sweet that he was trying to help me understand his hobby. I also like that he’s blessed with a sense of direction. I’m not. Getting lost is a way of life for me. Oh, and he knows how to light a charcoal grill. That’s something I don’t know how to do. In fact, I’m sort of scared of the grill, much as I was scared of Bunsen burners when I was in high school. He doesn’t mind killing bugs either. That’s a good thing because I hate bugs, and I also hate killing them because I hate the squishy stuff that comes out of them. He can also throw a baseball in a fairly straight line, something that my daughter will tell anyone I just can’t do. I’ve accidentally lobbed balls into her head I don’t know how many times.
I appreciate that my husband is not me. I’m very glad that he’s not me. If he were just like me, we’d only be able to eat grilled food at BBQ restaurants, our daughter would have a permanent concussion, our house would be overrun with bugs, and we’d be lost somewhere on the Interstate.
In the end, you really don’t need to adopt each other’s interests, and you really shouldn’t. It’s good to have a strong identity. It’s not good to lose yourself in your partner, only to, years later, realize that you have no idea who you are. If you are opposites who have nothing in common, stop worrying about it. Just focus on what’s most important: continually getting to know one another just a little bit better.
Do you think couples need things in common in order to be happy? Leave a comment.
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{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
Sounds like a solid foundation. Marriages often are the most complex of all relationships, as they encompass all of a person’s OTHER relationships; business, financial, family, personal, friendship, etc. The ability to be flexible with give and take, as well as compromise, is essential, as is communication. The fact that outsiders do not see why two people are married is irrelevant when the two people that are married know why. (no “Big Love” fan comments, please)
LOVE this! I’ve been caught in the “nothing in common” trap lately myself. Just the reminder I needed that we are better for our differences and stronger for working through them. Thank you!
Sometimes nothing in common is the best starting point. My husband and I are from different cultures, different countries, different religions different socio-economic backgrounds, even different generations. If anything, it has given us more to talk about and has made us more interested in each other.
” It’s good to have a strong identity. It’s not good to lose yourself in your partner, only to, years later, realize that you have no idea who you are.” Truer words have never been written. You are so SPOT on with this. I agree, and I hope other women realize this too. Great post.
Ooh, very interesting topic.
But, tell me, what are you supposed to do with your partner if you both like different activities? If you only share 1 or 2? Just always do those?
It can be hard to try new ones and even harder to like the new and shared experiences.
Also, does wishing your partner was more like you make one a narcissist? Or insecure? What do you think?
I think the more you do apart the more your excited to come home and talk about it with someone you appreciate. If there is only one or two things you enjoy doing, DON’T do those things all the times cause both will get bored and those things wont be fun anymore.
I think wishing your partner was more like you is a normal and common feeling but I think we are just confused because we would be completely bored with each other. I love learning from my husband and finding out how his day went etc.
Love this post! My boyfriend and I are prime examples of this.
He’s not into sports – I’m a big fan of watching and playing.
I love music – he can take it or leave it.
I love dancing – he has two left feet and no rhythm.
He’s into Star Wars and sci-fi – I’ve never seen a full movie
the list goes on and on –
But the one thing we do have in common is we love each other and we compromise. I went and watched Star Treck with him, and he’s going to a ball game with me this weekend. Our differences are some of the main things we love about each other!
@Natalia: There’s no right or wrong or “should do” in your situation. There’s just “what do I need to be happy?” My husband and I do very few activities together, short of the usual parenting things. (That’s obviously a big thing in common). This summer we got a community garden plot, so the whole family sometimes goes there together to water or just look at it. That’s about it. I don’t need more. But you might need more. You have to go with how you personally feel. Then it’s about creativity. You might just need together time. Maybe it’s not an activity. Maybe it’s sitting outside at night and listening to the crickets together.
Sometimes it’s good to push ourselves to be a little more independent, too. To find other people to share certain interests with, so we’re not so focused on our spouses. It’s about having a well balanced life.
Regarding the narcissist question, I think we often think we want everyone to be more like us because we understand ourselves best. If everyone were like us, it would be a lot easier to understand the motivations of others. That said, if our partners were 100 percent like us, we’d be bored and frustrated. I think there’s a lot of acceptance that has to take place in a relationship. Yes, definitely fix the issues that really bother you. Let the other stuff go.
So true! Very well put! My husband and I are generating more in common, but at our core–I think we are very different, I’ve finally learned to accept and even appreciate (imagine that) our differences! It’s all about perspective! I do believe you have to have a FEW commonalities–hobbies, interests, viewpoints, opinions–whatever they may be! Anyway, thanks for the reminder and the laugh! Have a great week!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
After 40 years with the only guy I ever loved (in every sense of the word) and with whom I have less in common than I most likely have with you and most women I know, I agree 100% on the point that you BOTH have to want the marriage and be willing to work on it. That absolutely is central.
I have to admit that sometimes I wish we did have more in common, just because it appears it would be much easier to have fun together. But just as with your aversion to motorcycle riding, I have less than no interest in chasing a little white ball around the world at 6 a.m. on a Saturday morning because that’s the only tee time open, and since he has plenty of friends who are happy to accompany him, I don’t think it advances our marriage any for me to wipe the sleep from my eyes and whine for 18 holes. Of course I could PRETEND to like golf. Uh, nope, that doesn’t work. He’ll know I’m pretending and although pretending in some areas of life works fine for him, golf is as sacred as religion and he’d be really, really irritated at my faking it.
So he goes and golfs and I sleep and read and make things out of bottle caps and wire and we’re both happy and during summer evenings we play ping pong in the garage and he beats me every time and I don’t care because, unlike him, I’m not competitive. And I make my dinner at 5 p.m. and sometimes he doesn’t eat until 9 (that’s what it’s like when the kids are grown and gone) and I dig weeds while he runs off to a yoga class and when he comes home we have a brief conversation about how the yoga teacher is not so “sympatico,” and how the weeds are getting the best of me and he takes my dirty hands and gives me a sweaty peck and that’s what we have in common. Lights out.
Hi Alisa!
Great post. Since I started dating my bf, almost a year now… yikes, we have never had one thing in common, we still don’t. I know I will never understand his obsession with sports or weird movies in which everyone turns out to be an alien, I hate all of those things. He will never understand my photography, I show him a picture and he says ‘that’s nice’, I show him another which is horrible, and I know the answer ‘that’s nice’. I was starting to think that was a huge problem, but I realized I do the same thing to him when someone gets a homerun and he wakes me up from my nap with his sports yelling, or when I make fun that the person turned out to be an alien. I didn’t think about it until this post, well I thought I might be ‘settling’ but the 2 important things you mentioned we have and I am so glad we do, and I was shocked to see we do. Again, we are not married, far far from it. We are the beginning of the beginning, but other then trying to understand each other loves, we try our best to find our own. We haven’t been that successful, but then again I only see him about once every 3 weeks due to distance, talk on the phone over an hour a day. We just talked about it the other night and we do want to work on things, and even he is now will to try and make some changes so we can keep moving on. Getting stuck, and not having someone who would try new things and I would have to be out of there, don’t have that much time to waste.
Thanks!!
Amy
Great topic. I wrote a post about this recently too. http://equanimityfound.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-makes-for-happy-marriage-being.html
I think you’re absolutely right– you don’t have to share the same interests to have a happy marriage. I like your advice on how to work through the quandary!
Hi, I’ve been searching for answers to my relationship problems forever! This is my 4th marriage and my last if it kills me! I read your article with great interest so I am only beginning to organize my thought about your advice.
If he is unwilling to make changes to help make our relationship work, what am I to do? A rhetorical question. I have decided that since I am the one who has made changes to make this relationship work, I am in this for the long haul. I don’t want to sound like a martyr but I can’t help feeling from time to time like I take that stance. I’ve been to counseling to help keep my sanity and this is the conclusion I’ve reached.
Any other suggestions other than divorce for the 4th time. I am almost 63 and on social security so I don’t have many choices or than be independent on my children which I do not want to do.
Thanks.
This article is just what I needed to read. Today my boyfriend and I had “the talk”. He said that he’s come to realize that we really don’t have much in common. His biggest issue it seems is that I love music and he loves sports. While he has gone to see a few of my concerts, I know he doesn’t enjoy it, and I’m starting to come to terms with that. I’m fine just as long as he never says I should stop singing (then we would have a problem). But now we’re good. I would like to go see some of his volleyball games, but things have always come up and I feel bad about that.
The issue is, I don’t know how to convince him that things can work out. I love him with all of my heart and I know he loves me too. But we’ve been miserable lately because he wouldn’t tell me whats wrong until now. I think we’ve both thought of breaking up, but I know we’re both scared because this is something really great that we’re giving up. Please, help me save my relationship?
I agree with this as far as hobbies and interests go but what about behavior, mentality, beliefs, morals and values? I love him with all my heart and really want it to work and so does he but how do you accept/deal with those differences?
If you don’t have something in common other than, house, kids, bills ect. What do you talk about with your partner. When we do go out, I feel like we have nothing to talk about except boring, stressful, ordinary life things?
I work wiyth my husband everyday we have only work talk all the time and when we are at home he either is reading or playing music we never talk we go out an there is nothing to talk about. I feel very sad I love him very much but nothing in common. any advice anyone……………
my marriage is also struggling with this issue. It is not that we do not have anything in common because we do! It just seems that lately we can’t have fun when we are together doing something. This is weighing very heavily on me. I love my husband but our relationship is seems to be worsening. For instance, we finally, after 2 1/2 months got a babysitter…we were only gone for 15 minutes when he started saying he did not feel good and sure enough 20 minutes later we were on our way home…shortly after getting home he just went to bed (before 10p). When I ask him what is going on he tells me he just tired and not feeling well. Really? I’m hurt and to be honest I am a little angry with him for being so cold! What do I do?? Please any advise will be appreciated.
I agree with your write up and I agree with each person in the relationship needing to have a strong sense of independence and self, but I agree with what Eve posted….if you don’t have anything in common, and I mean NOTHING, it can be a constant battle. I am not just talking about common everyday hobbies and such, I mean core issues, like life goals, desires for the future, personality traits, how you treat other people, your sense of humor. My wife of four years and I recently had a talk with each other the other day and told each other straight up that we didn’t hate each other, in fact, that we do love each other, but that there is no way we can possibly live together without feeling cheated out of our basic inalienable rights of life, liberty, and and our own rights to happiness. We did not yell or scream or throw a fit, but basically told each other that we are not a match because we share nothing in common (again, I am not merely talking about hobbies, I am talking about the very roots of our characters like how we express love, what we want out of life, what we want out of a relationship, what we want our futures to be like – both very, very, very, very, very different from each other).
I guess what I am trying to say is that I agree with your write up, however, this will always be a sticky issue.
My bf and I have been together almost a year. I called it quits. He called many times to give me a piece of his mind, then called another 6+ times apologizing and wanting to compromise and work it out.
I don’t know what I feel but he insisted we give it another try. We have nothing in common. He is athletic and I am happy to be reading my favorite books. He likes to go places and I like to stay home.
It seems pretty dead to me.
Maggie–I would think that if you already have doubts after just a year together, this relationship is probably not a good fit. You don’t necessarily need to have superficial things in common, but there should be a bond that holds you together. It sounds if if you don’t have that bond with this guy. That’s nothing to feel inadequate or guilty about. Better you realized it now than after 10 years of marriage!
Thanks for your quick response. I thought I was going nuts and missing some important point that I will hate myself for missing later. I broke off with him once and went back so far for a week and I just want out.
He has a loving side but also a dark side where I feel like a victim.
Tell me then, if nothing in common including motivation, how do you fix this. One is up at 7 AM the latest and going, other sleeps till 11.
One is an overachiever at physical activities, other has to be prodded to get moving.
One comes from better than average class family with parents overachievers and outgoing and European, other is new American minded, leisure take it easy lifestyle type.
Now tell me. How do you then find common ground? If only connection is physical and that is at a different rate of speed and frequency even?
Perhaps best explanation,
World lives in the box, the matrix, some fear
You live outside the box, accept mortality on this plane , no fear….
HMMM….. where is common then
I have received over 30 telephone msg’s tearing me to shreds on most of them and the couple others waiting for me to apologize for breaking up because of a bad fit. Then threatens me to not pay me for the money he borrowed unless I follow his instructions. He keeps reminding me that I willl end up on welfare, my teeth will fall out, I won’t be able to afford meds and I will be living on the street if I don’t come back. (I have no benefits, living on borrowed time. What would your response be to this. Single mom with 1 child. (Alisa or anyone else).
Maggie–save the messages. Give them to the police. Get a restraining order. Sever all ties and all contact. That’s what I would do if someone were harassing me like that.
I have over 25 saved messages on my phone. Is there any way to get them off the phone and get them on print or recording since the police would need that if I go for harrassment charges and go to court. Maggie
Alisa or anyone else with knowledge in this type of case would be much appreciated.
I just came across your post and I tend to agree to a certain extent with what you are saying especially the part where you say “You don’t need to do every single thing together in order to be happy. You don’t need shared hobbies. You just need a good relationship, one that is based on mutual respect”. However I feel when you are saying you have nothing in common you are referring to minor elements like hobbies or point of views. You are not relating to major elements of difference.
My situation is far different from yours. I am European and my wife is Asian. We are from totally different upbringing, different social classes, different religions, different levels of education. We don’t even have a language in common. Trust me you cannot reconcile these differences as easily as you may think. It takes a lot more than mutual respect to get the relationship going. The differences are rooted inside ourselves, inside our culture.
I wish things were as simple as you put them but they are not. So don’t take it bad but when you say you have nothing in common, I actually believe you have more in common than not. The differences you are referring to, although challenging for any couple, sound trivial to me.
Phil–you might be one of the first people I’ve heard from who is really close to the “nothing” part of that phrase. I usually hear this from people (and have even said it myself) who have — as you say–more in common than they realize. I often say, “You have the most important part.” I’m curious how you ended up with someone who doesn’t speak your language. How did you meet?
Alisa – We originally met through myspace as I was looking to make connections with China. From then on we became penpals for around 6 months until I decided to visit her in China. Little did I know at the time that all my/her messages were translated by a friend of hers. Although I was shocked and irritated about it at first, I was pleasantly surprised about the trip she had organized for us in her own country and things developed from then on. Thinking back, as far as I can remember I have always been attracted to anything/one that was different from what I am used to so it really shouldn’t come as a surprise to me that I ended up marrying her. Nevertheless there is always such a thing in life that you have to accept the consequences of your acts and I came to realize that when you have nothing in common with your partner (except love of course), there is a price to pay. Eventually you drift apart from your closest friends because they don’t understand the “radical” change (according to them) in your way of being. They see you as a different person although you have always been the same. So in the end not only do you have to struggle to make the relationship work but you have to fight against your own to be recognised as who you have always been.
I am definitely not saying this is not worth it as no doubt there are many lessons in life to acquire from people who are very different from us. And (to me) life has such a way to remind us the lessons we are meant to learn.
I guess all I am saying here is when you think you have nothing in common with your partner what you actually mean is you have the most important part in common but in everyday life you tend to disagree on hobbies or opinions.
For anyone here who is thinking about going separate ways, I would say just think twice.
There are no coincidences in life. If you decided to be together, there is something inside of you that pulled you together. You may not be able to pinpoint the exact “cause” for yourself but there is something inside of you that made you come together. How you analyze it is for you to know but whatever the reason there is something to learn from it.
I am not an advocate of marriage but surely if you want a happy married life you should first accept who you are then accept your partner has valuable lessons to teach you.
The rest hopefully is all about arranging practicalities.
For those who feel unsatisfied in their married life, I would advise to think about the reasons that made them come together and what ensued from then on. With time the early reasons to get married might have vanished but whatever the circumstances in your current married life, there is always something to learn about yourself that will help you to be a fuller and happier person. We are all alone, but only together can we make it happen.
Your post is very helpful. Everyone likes to label my experience as a mid-life crisis but I wonder if that is true? I’ve been with the most wonderful woman I have known for 28 years. I love my wife but I’m bored to death being with her. Our lives used to focus around our kids but they are all out of the house. At night she watches her T.V. shows and I watch mine, she goes to the casinon I go to concerts. We spend time togethers on Saturday’s but other than that we mostly sleep and eat together and have sex once every 10 days and I prefer sex a lot more frequently but don’t want to force myself on her.
I took my wife and two children someone else abandoned her with and brought them from the Philippines with two of our own children and raised them to be great people. I just want to not be responsible for anyone anymore.
We spend out lives trying to do the right thing by being a good parent and grand parent paying a bank forever for a home that we are never likely to own and in my case making numerous people and corporations rich but reaping almost nothing of the rewards. I’ve lived overseas and I’ve decided to go back. My wife doesn’t want to come but doesn’t want to let me go.
Am I just a narcissist who only cares about himself? That is what everyone is saying about me. We are conditioned to do the socially “right thing”. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life being bored with my companion because it is the right thing. Any advice you can provide would be appreciated.
I am on the boat with Kathy and A.P.G. here and no one seems to have addressed it directly – what if core values (life goals, desires for the future, personality traits, how to treat other people, sense of humor, intellect, communication methods…) are completely different… add on not having any hobbies or social interactions to the differences.
You’ve trucked through 11 years making nice nice…you are both great individuals…you try really hard to make it work…changing or avoiding the differences…being cordial most times, but being curt (short & snippy) when extremely irritated by a difference…taking on responsbilities alone because the other partner doesn’t know how to handle sticky situations…no real communication or discussions other than the standard functional, demanding/request, informational topics (getting any deeper than surface talk causes friction)…and on and on
Changing your core values or avoiding any friction-causing differences just to be nice because you “love” the other and don’t want to hurt them……….Is this the way to live happily together?
I have a nice guy who would “try” to do anything for me. It never seems to be enough to reach that point of satisfaction, but he tries. Do you stay because he’s nice, or do you let him free?
“You are both willing to make changes to continually improve your relationship.”
I took issue with this article right away because of this. If you feel you have to continually and regularly sacrifice and/or compromise, or simply put have to “work” to keep a relationship going, then something is wrong, either on one end or both ends. If you are with the right person, it will work without effort naturally. It doesn’t have to be a struggle, and it is tragic what people will deal with simply because they think that’s the way it is. It doesn’t have to be like that! You shouldn’t have to settle or sacrifice because you should have similar interests and perspectives on life. That is why being with someone for the right reasons is so important later on down the road.
Thanks for the article. My wife and I annoy each other often, but we love each other. I just wish we were at peace more often. For sure we are committed to each other, so I’m sure things will work out.
thanks again
For instance, just yesterday he rode his motorcycle to Philadelphia to marshal a bike race.
Thank god there are people like your husband to marshal races we take part in or soon there would be no races anymore. My view is if you have a man who thinks about the bigger picture like he does, you should look thoroughly into your relationship to see what he is missing. Surely I would not blame him for looking after others…
“If you are with the right person, it will work without effort naturally”
Burr… Sorry but I just cannot agree with that view (to a certain extent that is). For sure we all wish we will meet the perfect person for us and everything happens naturally without effort. Isn’t that what we are all promised when we grow up, start university?
The reality is it is not a given. You can live in your dreamworld and take it for granted this will happen to you but how many years are you prepared to wait? This was exactly my way of thinking before I got married. I had been waiting for 15 years for the right person to come. I am wealthy, very popular and well educated, very pretty (so I have been told) but after 15 years of dating guys (many many many) here and there I never met the right person (so I thought). Eventually I thought if I want to have babies I need to give a shot at long term commitment and did. It turns out the guy I married (whom I love) is my opposite and damn it I hate it so much sometimes but I also feel there is a lesson to learn about all that. Either I got married earlier and potentially suffered a similar stake or just accepted what was happening and made the best out of it. The truth is I am not sure I would ever have met anyone better than my husband. I give it to you this has never been an easy relationship so to speak but our differences make us fuller people in the end. And come to think about it, although he would not have been my favoured choice in the beginning, I am now prepared to stand for what we have. We are still opposites. He likes to do triathlons and train 15 hours a week for his events and it drives me crazy but I know he will always be there for things that matter. In the end I would say what matters most is you are with someone who share the same values as you do. You may never meet your prince charming but if you give it your best shot you will make it work and maybe in the end even be happy.
“I don’t want to go through the rest of my life being bored with my companion because it is the right thing. Any advice you can provide would be appreciated.”
Daryl ! yes we are all conditioned to do the socially right thing…But in the end, the right thing to do is to be you. Being married or not is not the issue. Accepting who you are is. If you feel ready to part with your wife and children to start a new life that potentially might be more fulfilling than what you are living then do it. But be ready to accept the consequences… Nobody can tell you how to live your life but yourself. All I can say is there is a price to pay for anything you do. Whether you are prepared to take that chance is for you to know. A different path might be more fulfilling. But there are many in between paths that you may be able to negotiate. If you haven’t told your wife who you really are and what you can put up with then do so. Explain to your wife in ample details what you expect in life and how she can or cannot meet these expectations. But remember whatever choice you make you can never be totally free from the past. The main thing is to be who you are for better and for worse. Sometimes it means trusting your gut feelings and just move on. But first off I would definitely have a very deep conversation with my wife.
Hi, although your marriage sounds great and as though everything works, the problem I think comes in when one person does not like it when the other person wants to do things that do not interest him. How can a marriage work then if the two have two separate interests, but are not allowed to follow them?
This is the problem I am having now.
Hobbies are just
things we all do on our own! They make us the person we are. The person to come Together with another to make a different thing to change the world for the better.
Hello Mia,
I don’t mean to sound patronizing but can you elaborate on your specific situation? I believe Alisa is telling you just that. That her marriage was not great because they had nothing in common. So I am not clear on how different your situation is?
Thanks for elaborating
Matt
Hi Alisa,
I read most of the comments after your entry. A true relationship is based on mutual respect, admiration, effective communication and above all, love. When you have nothing in common, when you cannot summon even the least thing to talk about for more than 2 minutes, when evenings and weekends are spent in near silence or solitude even while the other person is present, then I really begin to wonder what it was that created the love emotion in the first place. Surely its not possible to nurture it if you cannot even communicate. I understand that external activities do not make a marriage or relationship but there should be at least something that makes the relationship sparkle other than sex. I think that what you are hearing from your guests is a true sense of lonliness. Your friends and hobbies are wonderful but at the end of the day, if the one who tells you that they love you , is not interested in hearing about your joy or pleasure, is not curious about what you think or feel or believe, then how do you feel that you are with the one meant for you? Isn’t this merely a friends with benefits relationship?
Hi Cheryl,
Thanks for your comment ! However I cannot agree with your simplistic vision that all the guests here are feeling lonely. I am not.
I also find your comment about being with the one who is meant for you very interesting.
And I ll tell you all the reasons for it;
1. who says you will meet the right person for you in this life
2. maybe there are some lessons for you to learn in this life that make it impossible for you to be happy (in the way you see it) -just learn to be happy with what you have.
3.dont look too far (as I have stated above) the main things are not about being happy in life. It s all about trying to figure out what your mission is here.
What if your husband also doesn’t really care to get to know you better? : (
All he really cares about is doing what he likes to do and shows no interest at all in doing things with me, even sitting down for dinner. He just doesn’t seek out time with me.
What then, does that mean?
Thanks so much for the article!. Much needed.
I am the guy who would join your husband on the ride to the moon on the bike. And pay someone too.
This post has helped me in so many way. AGAIN, i am comforted that I am not alone. I am comforted that just because we have different hobbies and interests doesnt mean we cant make our marriage work. Sure I am frustrated that when we go to a movie he falls asleep. Sure I am disappointed that when I want to gossip, he gives me short one word answers like “whatever, its all nonsense” instead of engaging with me. I feel the biggest problem between me and my husband is communicating and after 14 years knowing one another, 8 yrs married, he still cant read me correctly. But maybe this is just part of the whole “i’m not a mind reader” syndrome. Sometimes I answer him and he tells me “why do you have to yell or get so nasty?” and I’m like…….I”M NOT! He doesnt know that when I’m busy i just answer quickly and loudlly? I guess it comes off as i’m yelling or angry at him, but I’m just being interupsted so I get frustrated. My marriage has SOOOOOO many issues with communication and Also, I had read in another post about making yourself happy first. I think my biggest hurdle might be making me happy. I’ve gained weight that I HATE, and I’m doing NOTHING about it. I complain that I want to get out and work again, and I’ve done NOTHING about it. I’ve gone online to even start possible affairs and what I really came to realize is, MOST of the men on there are “serial cheaters” who will tell you anything to get in bed with you and most of them have obvious sexual addictions whether it be, porn, cyber cheating or just constant affairs. That is a problem. So for me thininking that having nothing in common is worth going on these sites to find someone I DO have something in common with………..the reality is GOOD LUCK! Most of them are just sex addicts looking for flings. I know i’ve gone a little off subject here, but this is just my personal experience with feeling bored in my marriage and beliveing not having things in common is a reason to call it quits. We have 2 small children. Packing up and leaving is not ideal nor manageable at this point. I think OUR biggest hurdle is communicating. We’ve done counseling, but maybe we need more. More one on one counseling as well. I dont want to end my marriage. But I just feel very disconnected from my husband.
Thank you again EVERYONE for all your posts. This site and all your advice is so very comforting for me. I’m glad I am not alone.
Everyone has provided some great insight into issues with their partners. I wonder how many have shared what they have written so openly WITH their partners. Have you resolved anything? Have you compromised? Have you buried your head in the sand? Have you told yourself ‘maybe if I work a little harder…’? Have you let the problem slide and it’s landed in your lap again? Are you still letting it slide?
My partner is; kind but selfish, stubborn but quiet, has insight but not into the whole picture. At the moment I’m in the letting it slide phase and have done nothing about us ‘having nothing in common’. I talked to him once a few months ago about it and he said ‘What do you want to do? Make a suggestion of something you want to do together’. I thought this was a great response but he has since vetoed all suggestions I’ve made (going to the beach, movie, out to dinner, go for a walk, go bowling etc.) The only thing we do is sit at home and watch TV. I’m bored and unhappy, we aren’t connecting physically because of this. Friends and family are commenting that ‘it seems we have nothing in common’. He wants to be with me all the time but I’m not sure why. I don’t understand what draws us together. Early on in our relationship we made a pact to be open with each other and have the common goal to make our relationship work. Those days seem to be lost now and I find myself withdrawing into myself. We’re both stressed at work – I earn twice as much as him and it’s an issue. He loves fishing and I went once and got sea sick. He fishes once or twice a week – sometimes overnight and works on boats for a living so it’s something he’s really passionate about. If I recommend we go on a holiday his answer is ‘the fishing is really great there’. We don’t have anything in common (superficially) but I’m fast losing my drive to work on it. Help.
Hi Liz, I soooooooo can relate to the fishing thing. My husband TOO is a HUGE fisherman. He Loves it. He however does not get a chance to go very often for financial reason and he also just does not have alot of free time. We have been in our house for 3 yrs almost and there is still alot to be done. Alot of his free time is doing things to our house. He watches all the fishing shows, deadliest catch, and whatever other ones are out there. He even took us on a HUGE boat to look into financing one. I think he’s DREAMING. He does have a boat, but its not very big, but its large enough for him to take some guys out and go fishing. I told him to invest in a Bigger boat for “family” outings is not going to be worth it. My girls and I do not enjoy the boating that much. I keep telling him that fishing is HIS hobby and no matter how hard he tries, we will NOT be into it. I enjoy going out on the boat for tanning and hanging out , going on beaches…..but NOT fishing. I think with my husband he realizes that I will never be into the whole fishing thing. I tried it with him in the beginning, but I did it for him. I dont want to do it anymore if he isnt going to make any efforts in doing things I enjoy as well. . I have gotten him to finally agree to date nights and we have been going out like every other week to a movie or dinner or both. I’m hoping this will make our relationship better. Because NOT doing things together is really what is killing us. I’m married, but yet feel like i’m all alone. I’m going to start counseling again soon, I just think I need it. Our marriage needs it.
Good luck to you Liz! I can totally relate to the fishing issue. You have to tell him that fishing is NOT your life. You want to share other things with him and do other things with him that do NOT involve fishing. FLAT OUT, just TELL HIM.
I love this. Celebrating my 6 year anniversary in a few weeks and lately my hubby has been complaining a lot about “we don’t have anything in common anymore”. Back in high school we did a lot together, but that’s what you do when you’re dating. You do things different sometimes because you’re trying to get that special someone. But when you’re married you do your own things. Add kids and work (or lack of) and other daily stresses and sometimes you forget all the great things about your significant other. My husband has a way of making me laugh even when I’m down. He always tries to make see the brighter side of things (even though he always thinks the worst things when it comes to himself). He can’t stand to see others sad or hurting. It’s the way he is and I love him for it. And I love to help others before myself. Together we make a great team. If there’s someone that needs help getting back on their feet, even though we don’t have a lot money wise, we do everything we can to help whether it’s a place to stay, food to eat, etc. It makes us both feel better in the end and when he complains we don’t have anything in common anymore I remind him of how we both like to help others. Then I go off and do dish’s or something and start humming “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by Deep Blue Something
Love this post!
My husband and I just said the same thing to each other not 2 days ago.
My husband and I just celebrated our 5th year wedding anniversary July 15th. This is the second time we have been married. The first time I was 18 and he was 19. We had a 3 month old baby and another on the way. Needless to say, it was a huge disaster. We reconnected and remarried when our children were 8 and 9.
With two children, it was incredibly difficult to get to know each other again. We love our children dearly, but it was really hard to grow as a couple starting our relationship over again as two parents.
Now with our children being teenagers, it’s even more difficult. We both feel that everything we do is for our family, which is definitely NOT a bad thing! But, we don’t really do anything for ourselves. With money so tight, our evenings usually consist of dinner, dishes, homework, and laundry. After all of this is over, I usually go online and my husband plays XBox.
The weekends are generally the same. If I’m not working, it’s house chores, then off to the grocery store for the week. My husband works overnight on the weekend, so there is very little time for us to anything on a Friday or Saturday night. This also leaves him to sleep in very late on Saturday and Sunday, which leaves a lot to be desired for any family time.
I guess my point is that we don’t talk at all anymore. We talk and laugh with the kids, but when they aren’t home, or are in bed, we don’t talk. It’s usually silent. When we do have to talk about the chores, bills, etc. it always ends up in an argument. I think this may be because we don’t how to be a couple.
We don’t have even 1 or 2 activities that we like to do together. We are so different. At this point, I don’t even know what to do. I know we want to be with each other and be happy. Especially since this is the second time we have made an effort. I really don’t want to lose our marriage or family again. He has told me the same thing. I can just feel our relationship slipping further and further away.I feel like we are becoming roommates instead of husband and wife.
If anyone has any advice that can be offered, please do so. Thanks!
Hi Trish !
I think you need a holiday far far away from anything that resembles home. Being in a foreign country “alone” with your husband should reinforce a feeling of togetherness from where you could explore new ways of being together. It is important you understand what binds you rather than what separates you.
We are all different but we are all the same…
I would like to share this on fb !!! Why can’t I’?
how does this apply to me when me and my girlriend have been going out for about month and im early 20′s and my girl friend is around 18 and we don’t have sex issues or nothing else, but she just came yesterday we don’t have anything in common. may be we just realize that now?
but she said she is willing to work on it, so i guess it is a good sign. i love her very much and she loves me very much. it could be because me n her came from different culture but i have been living in U.S. for long time like 9 years.
help me
thanks