This post is a companion to 5 reasons to stay married. To avoid confusion, please read them together.
1. The kids. If you are in a hopelessly miserable marriage, you’ll do more harm to your children by staying put than you will by getting out. By enduring misery, you teach your children, “I don’t deserve to be happy.” By putting up with abuse, you teach your children, “Never rock the boat. Take crap from others at all costs.” By staying in a hopeless situation, you also teach them how not to communicate, how not to have healthy relationships, and how not to be assertive. Is this what you want to teach your children?
2. You feel obligated. I have news for you: you don’t have to do anything. There are no “have tos” in life. None. You don’t have to go to work. You don’t have to get out of bed in the morning. You don’t have to stay in your marriage. Every single thing you do or don’t do in life is a choice-and it’s your choice. Take control of your life by owning your choices. No one is forcing you stay in a miserable marriage. You have the choice to get out. Which choice will you make?
3. You don’t want to be alone. Being scared of singlehood is similar to a kid who is scared of the dark. You’re scared of it because you don’t know it. You can get used to being alone. You can even come to enjoy it. By being alone, you just might find yourself. You’ll grow into a stronger, more complete person.
4. You made a promise. You’ve probably made many promises to yourself that you’ve eventually broken. Think back to any number of New Year’s Resolutions. Why should this one be so different? The most important promise for you to keep is this one: I promise to do what I need to do in order to live a happy and fulfilling life.
5. You’d rather have the misery you know than the misery you don’t know. Misery is misery. More important, life is one big problem. The sooner you start solving your problems and making the necessary changes in your life, the less miserable you will become. Misery happens when you stand still and do nothing. If you embrace change, you’ll also embrace happiness.
6. You’re afraid of what will happen to your spouse if you leave. You are not responsible for your spouse. You are responsible for your self. By staying with your spouse, you are enabling your spouse’s dysfunction. If your spouse has an addiction, an anger problem, a drinking problem, or depression and refuses to seek help, the best thing you can do is remove yourself as a crutch. Once your spouse is forced to walk on his or her own two feet-as all grownups should-he or she might just grow up and seek treatment.
In the end, you should stay in your marriage because you want to, not because you think you have to. You stay in your marriage because you believe it has potential. You stay in your marriage because, most of the time, you still love your spouse. You stay in your marriage because, by being with your spouse, you see yourself growing into a stronger, happier person.
You stay in your marriage because you’ve made the choice to do so.
You get out of a marriage because you’ve made the choice to do so, too. Not every marriage can be saved. Try everything to improve your marriage. If your spouse refuses to change or you see not one ounce of improvement after several months of hard work, it’s time to think about getting a divorce and start thinking about living the rest of your life.
No one can tell you the right thing to do. It’s your decision. It’s your choice. It’s your life. It’s your happiness.
This post is a companion to 5 Reasons to Stay Married.
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#2 and #6 apply to me. I feel obligated and always seem to make his problems mine… I have been married for 12 years to my current husband. 9 years to my husband before that, never been on my own until now. We have been separated since Feb. of 2010, for the second time. we are finally each attending counseling (separately). One of the biggest issues is my husband inability to keep a job, to be dependable. It is always someone else’s fault and he seems to have an excuse for everything. I should’ve seen this as a red flag when we first met, but I really thought it WAS everyone else’s fault. we have other issues too of course, I just don’t want to do it anymore. I am enjoying my life on my own with my two young daughters (they are just fine too) and I don’t want to give it up. He is anxious to reunite, but Im just not feeling it!! I miss him in some ways, but it’s just not worth it…
I have really enjoyed this site-thank you so much. Its a great feeling to know you are not alone in your feelings and thoughts.
I have been married to my husband for 13 years. We met and fel in love quickly and I beleived I had found my best friend and soul mate. After 10 years of marriage, he admitted that he was polyamorous and had had feelings for other women since we had been married. I had always wanted to please him and came into our relationship with trust issues so this blew me away.
I can also relate to the post about her husband being on the computer as at the time, my husband was on all the time and that is where he meets and talks with women. I find the things he talks about with other women inappropriate and have told him so. Recently he has told me that he can live without polyamory but now wants a submissive woman-to “follow him blindly, even is things are not fair.” We separated for 6 months and are living apart now but have decided to give things one last try. We have 2 children and I am questioning whether I am really “in love” anymore. I love him so very much and have stayed through so much but feel numb and indifferent alot of the time. The thought of being “submissive” and catering to him does not feel good inside. On top of this-he is drinking more now than he used to and this bothers me as well. I have a hard time letting go as I dont want a failed marriage but this whole thing is just tearing me up inside. I dont know who I am anymore or what I want. I am really just a shell of the happy go lucky person I used to be.
Wow reading through this site is very informative, thank you. I will post my situation in hopes that I can be enlightened or help someone else.
Married 11 years, two kids, 3 and 8. We have been living as roommates for quite some time. We both work outside the home, then come home, take care of the kids, do our own thing at night and go to bed. It feels like a marriage of convenience and we are staying together for the kids. I have been thinking a lot about this so I finally sat her down last night when she was calm to discuss things (she has had a habit of saying she wants a divorce when she would get mad at me). She threw me for a loop and said that she did still love me and that she was willing to work on it. I said ok for the sake of seeing what I could do for one last try (especially for the kids). I have two problems with this though.
1. We have not had sex in over 4 years, nor have we been intimate. The year before that we had sex only to conceive, not to just enjoy each other. Also I recall about a year’s time that we went without sex previous to that. I have tried to do nice things to get her in the mood, etc., but she always had an excuse, and then finally I gave up. The kids have always been first for her, and I am on the backburner. She never will agree to go away for a weekend or overnight for just the two of us.
2. She says she still loves me. However, she commented that she did not want the kids to grow up in a split household. I also think that she is afraid of being single and that this is a major portion of it.
My overall problem is that she gave me all the signs that she was not happy and that she wanted to end it, then I confronted her and was dead serious, and she backed off and wanted to work on it. (We did try counseling for a bit, and I have read several self help books). My issue is that I am no longer attracted to her, nor could I consider her my friend (could I get back to that? I don’t know). We have a very good business like marriage and the kids are happy as far as I know, but my wife and I are not happy and I somehow believe that we would be happier if we were separate so that we could find love instead of just being in a state of relationship ambivalence.
your a moron
no body wants to be alone, and shouldnt. just because the OP is a alone and single, you have come up with excuses for other ppl to be in the same situation as you.
The only reason you should think about leaving your marriage, is if its not working. But not for the reason of being alone, in the dark etc etc lolol
Jake , I feel for you and your wife, definetely if your not attracted to her anymore and you really don’t think you can be friends ,it would not work.
Your right , maybe it’s better to find the best way to officially split and have a chance of a real committed loving relationship. I’m sure she know it, she’s probably just scared as some of are.
Good luck to you… never give up on being and having love. It took me a while to mentally get there my self, but thank god I’m now there.
I have know i ideal what i want, i’m not happy in my marriage but i do and Don’t want to end it, I have started questioning myself about weather i should stay because if i can’t say i love him and want to be with him the rest of my life then Do i really love him?? But i don’t want to hurt him, and i’m doing that by not telling if were over or not, I told him i didn’t know if i wanted to be with him anymore,because we fight and i feel his very controlling I have two little boys 1 and 3 and i just want whats best for them,But i’m not happy and i have doubts that if we try again anything will get better I have a list of times when we fought and said i can’t do this anymore, we have to change, and nothing gets done it get alittle better but then we hit a wall and its back to the way things were, Do i stay because i want my kids to have a family, do i stay because i do love him, i’m not sure its as much as when we married but i still love him, or do i leave everything i have every known and raise two boys by my self everyday Can i really be happy without him, or should i be better off without him. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to do, to stay or go, my doubts make me think to leave, but my love makes me confused, no matter what our relationship will never be the same, i have problemly hurt him more now then i ever have because i CANT Choice what i want HELP ME please
Wow, thank you!! #4 & #6 are my reasons. I’ve been married for almost 3 years, we were together for 6 before that. My husband adores me and I wish I still felt the same way. I feel like I’ve just changed too much. He works M-F 9-5 and I work mostly nights and weekends and do schoolwork during the day (I’m in grad school). We just never see each other and so we’ve developed this totally separate lives. He doesn’t know or care about my friends or my job. I’ve recently lost some weight and my self-esteem is better than ever and in response, his is worse than ever. He’s obese and has made no attempts to be healthy at all. You’d think he’d be excited to have a hot wife but instead, it makes him feel worse because he’s not as hot. I have to beg for sex. And now I’m at the point where I’m really not even attracted to him anymore, but I feel like we have to have sex because otherwise we’re no better than roommates. We tried some counseling a year ago but it seemed to make things worse. I told him I wanted a divorce in November and he convinced me to stay and try to work things out. Things got better for a while, but now I feel like we’re back to square one.
I’ve also fallen in love with someone else. My husband knows that I’ve had feelings for and kissed another guy – he found out nearly a year ago because I told him, but he doesn’t know that it’s continued. It’s never progressed much beyond kissing mostly because I am still married. I don’t want to be one of those women that mistakes a new love for something lasting and destroys her marriage over it. But is there really anything left to salvage? And what if I could have something amazing with this other guy?
For Jess and for most in this blog,
I went through the same or similar situation. My marriage never worked from the very beginning. Every week we had the same discussion and I tried changing my reactions until I got sick of it and, according to him, “gave up”. It did not matter, whatever I tried was not working. I used to think: “What am I going to do without him?” but with the time my love for him died. When he felt he was loosing me for good he desperately tried to change but it was too late for me.
He did not want me to leave even though I was telling him I did not love him anymore. One day I met someone with whom I have spent two wonderful years and counting, and decided it was time for me to move on. However, it was not easy to breakup, especially when the other person in your marriage is on denial. And also, when the person you met is also going through the same or worse!
Bottom-line, if you fell for someone else and you think you tried your best to save your marriage is because you are not interested in the person you married anymore. Just by allowing someone else in your life you are admitting there is something really wrong with your marriage. Sometimes it is just a matter of not being “compatible”. And there is nothing you can do about that because you cannot change your partner, you can only change yourself.
My ex-husband used to, and still does take the worst out of me, he pushes my buttons in a way nobody ever did before, we are definitely not compatible and there was definitely nothing I could do to change that. I was getting sick (mentally and physically), living at the edge every single day.
What is funny is that people talk because they think “I left him for another man”, and that is what he thinks too because it is easier to blame someone else for the things you cannot deal with. But they do not realize how bad your marriage has to be for you to put your eyes on someone else.
If there is something in life I am proud of is that I was strong enough to pull through divorce and people talking bad about me to stand for what I believe in “happiness.”
Life is too short to live it miserably. You shouldn’t have to stop being yourself (stop being happy) just because you are “supposed” to stay married.
Obviously every case is very different and you have to evaluate what is making you unhappy. If you ask yourself: Can it really be solved? Can you change for him and be happy? Do you want to change? Do you want to fix it? Is this how you want to live and feel one, five, ten years from now? You will find the answer.
There is one thing everyone who is in a serious relationship should keep in mind: We cannot change our partner, we can only change ourselves and that change has to come from within!
For all those chimming in who are drinking the “for better or worse” Kool-Aid.
One’s own happiness is first and foremost, above all else, and the number one priority in life. If you are not happy, do not love yourself, and are not true to yourself, you are worthless in a relationship with your spouse (and your children for that matter). A wise woman once gave me the best parenting advice I’ve yet to receive and that is that the best gift that you can give your children is your own happiness. If that means that you must leave your unhappy marriage, then so be it.
You see, one’s happiness is not dependent on their spouse and children. They are not in your life to make you happy. Futhermore, if one’s spouse stiffles their happiness, does nothing to show affection and/or respect, does not support their values/psoitions/ideals, does not care for them when they are ill, and puts $$$, stuff, and career before the marriage and will not take the necessary measures to fix all of this (over a period of 3-5-10 years or more), than that someone has a duty to themselves and their children to move on (divorce).
Marriage is a legally binding contract in the eyes of the legal system. Is it not considered a breach of contract when one of the parties does not fulfill their promises made in that contract and repeatedly (for years) subjects the other to all of the above? In business, violating a binding contract either causes the contract to become null & void or results in legal repercussions to the breacher, but in a marriage contract we are supposed to allow the breach. Better yet; ignor it, give the other party 5, 10, 15, 20 years to try to fix it and if they don’t….just learn to live with it “for the sake of the children?” Imagine this type of approach in business contracts (for the sake of the shareholders???).
What kind of a message does it send your children to stay in a marriage/contract where the other party is not holding up their end of the deal? That it is acceptable to be taken advantage of, to be disrespected, humiliated, and otherwise kept in a situation where you not only continue to get @#$%-ed but where you have no choice but to be unhappy.
The ideal situation for a happy childhood is a “happy” marriage where each parent lives up to their end of the “marriage deal.” Yes, divorce is traumatic for chidren but an unhappy, unfullfilled, “breach of marriage contract” existence is far more damaging to children and their socialization and this is a proven statistic and I won’t start listing sources, we all know how to research and read.
It is time for America to put down the Kool-Aid, wake up, smell the coffee and stop living in the fairy tale of “for better or worse” and “happily ever after.” Divorce is a necessary part of our culture especially when one or both partners are not living up to their “vows of devotion.”
MyTwoCents I do hope you are single. While I totally agree that NOBODY should stay in a marriage where there is constant violation of the contract I E abuse, drug or alcohol addiction etc., going by the mantra of “I have the right to be happy” can be seriously abused as well. You stated that “ones own happiness is first & foremost, above all else & the number one priority in life”. WOW!!! Don’t worry though most of America already has bought into that. If you want to live by that then that is fine. Just please don’t drag a husband/wife into it. 90% of marriage is about sacrificing ones own happniess for the greater good of the family. By living by “Only if I am happy” one could do a lot of damage.
1) “I am not happy at my job so I’m just going to quit”. Forget about the fact that it may make my family homeless “I am not happy”.
2) “I am not happy with my wife’s weight gain after 2 kids? Then I can leave” Forget that those kids will be hurt “I am not happy”.
3) “My wife doesn’t like sex as much after those 2 kids”. I can take a mistress. I am not getting the sex I want so “I am not happy”.
4) “My wife is now perminantly disabled & unable to do anything so I am just going to leave”. Yea she will have nobody to help her, nobody to care for her but this is tough so “I am not happy”
You see my point. Forgive me if I sound a little harsh but I live this every day. MY wife was diagnosed with Liver Disease only 2 years after we married. Since then it has been sheer hell. Under your thesis I have every right to leave her. After all this is tougher than words can describe. I am now sole provider, sole caregiver, sole housekeeper, sole cook, sole laundry maid, sole counseler & sole helpmate. My happiness became secondary to her needs as soon as she became ill.
I am not bragging at all. There are many people today who have found themselves in my situation. Some actually do leave under your thesis. The result is devistating to the spouse, the kids, the family & society as a whole. Fortunatly most don’t live by it & HONOR those vows.
So if you are going to make marriage a business contract perhaps you should keep in mind that even in business contracts there are no compete clauses….lol I understand your general idea & that is great for a single person. But 99% of potential mates expect the “fairy tale”. If you do marry please be sure that you marry somebody who shares your values on marriage. Real commitment means that our happiness becomes secondary for the greater good. That doesn’t mean you can’t be happy even in the most difficult circumstances. Everybody deserves to be happy. You said yourself that happiness doesn’t come from external forces.
Yea my life & my marriage became more than difficult after my beloved became so ill. But one thing that does make me happy is I know we are commited to each other. Even during these trying times. I also get great happiness in knowing that I did the right thing. Also in knowing that she wont face a lonely life & ultimatly death from this illness because I jumped ship the min I “wasn’t happy”. Once again forgive me if I sound harsh but I just spent the last 3 nights on 2 hours sleep a night caring for my beloved who has been violently ill due to her disease. I am over tired & probably a little cranky…lol
Hey, I really do admire your devotion and committment to your marriage but I think that almost any marriage professional would firmly disagree that 90% of marriage is sacrificing your own hapiness for the greater good of the family (unless of course that’s what makes that person happy).
Let me address your hypothetical questions with some real answers from a man who has spent 15-years in an unhappy/unhealth/toxic, borderline emotionally abusive marriage:
1) “I am not happy at my job so I’m just going to quit”. Forget about the fact that it may make my family homeless “I am not happy”.
A) I was put in a position where my corrupt boss asked/expected me to sacrifice my values/morals/principals for his gain but when I wouldn’t and blew the whistle, was offered a reassignment (defacto-demotion) to continue to work for him and collect a salarly. Upon refusal and demanding severance, my spouse threw a fit of rage and didn’t speak me for days and then made me feel like @#$% for weeks for abiding by my values & beliefs. You’re damn right I am not happy! I thought my kids an invaluable lesson; what did my wife’s reaction teach them???
2) “I am not happy with my wife’s weight gain after 2 kids? Then I can leave” Forget that those kids will be hurt “I am not happy”.
A) I love my wife and her body and tell her often how attracted I am to her and besides, senuality is a state of mind rather than of physical being. However, she is so unhappy with her own self image and wallows in her own misery so much so that she rejects 95% of my attempts to express physical intamacy. Your damn right I am not happy!
3) “My wife doesn’t like sex as much after those 2 kids”. I can take a mistress. I am not getting the sex I want so “I am not happy”.
A) Refer to answer for #2 above (This does not make a mistress an acceptable alternative) but you ought to be pretty damn unhappy if your wife doesn’t like to have sex more than 25% of the time you do (assuming she is healthy).
4) “My wife is now perminantly disabled & unable to do anything so I am just going to leave”. Yea she will have nobody to help her, nobody to care for her but this is tough so “I am not happy”
A) I was in bed sick for a week, misdiagnosed with the flu while my throat closed up and I lost 25-lbs. over five days. My wife could only manage to buy me a bottle of soda and some soup and tell me to get my ass out of bed and take care of the kids, while she was on her way out ther door to work. As I was staggering down the stairs on the fifth day with a 105 degree fever to drive myself to the emergency room, she got a guilty conscience and came back home as i was heading out the door. She drove me there where I was treated for severe dehydration, malnurtion, fatigue, and given IV antibiotics. I sure as hell hope my wife doesn’t become permanently disabled and unable to do anything because I’ll be damned if I am going to care for someone who almost let me die of strep throat in my own bed while she joked to her friends on the telephone about the bed vibrating like a coin operated bed due to my 105 degree fever while she slept next to me (as she complained that I kept waking her up with my shivering).
You see, I thought my marriage was over 11-years ago but I stayed and (although I made my share of mistakes) the last year showed me what my wife was all about. I cannot (forget about want) spend another year of my life with this person who “says” she loves me (I might not survive!).
mytwocent. So sorry to hear of all that happened. You wife would fall into the category of abusive. It may have been emotional abuse but abuse is abuse. I would never advise anybody to stay in an abusive relationship married or not. I also shouldn’t have directed it at you. I was thinking more about the general flippent attitude so many have going into marriage. Anybody would agree that the whole “I have the right to be happy” while true can be seriously abused to justify horrible behavior. Sorry I directed so much at you personally. As I said it had been 3 nights of sleeplessnes caring for my beloved.
Oh by the way what you had from strep was septicimia. It is where the infection gets in your bloodstream. I had the exact same thing happen from diverticulitus. I just thought I had the flu. Even up until my fever hit 105+. Finally when I went into convulsions my room mate at the time called an ambulance that took me to the hospital did I know how serious it was. That was in 99 & to this day my doc calls me his miracle patient. I shouldn’t have survived it. Strep & the infection getting into your bloodstream is exactly what killed Jim Henson (the muppet guy). Glad to hear you are fine.
But anyway I am not so much speaking to your situation as I am a general attitude that has been so abused by so many. When the spouse is abusive, non caring self centered & wont do anything to change that then nobody should stay. Best of luck in the future.
maybe the word “unhappiness” sounds too trivial to accurately describe the depths of despair many experience. Many of the posts here describing their “unhappy” marriages are anything but flippant. Being in a toxic and unhealthy marriage can really damage a person psychologically. It can change you for life and not in a good way. The real world consequences of such erosion on your soul and mental health can be far reaching – job loss, personality change (for the worse), inability to be a good parent.
Whatever the cause of extreme marital unhappiness – whether it is due to sex, trust, incompatibilities, conflicts of personality – is beside the point! If someone is extremely “unhappy” to the point of desperation, clinical depression or personality change, what the heck does it matter whether their reason is something we consider valid or workable or not? The truth is, it is damaging them. Each person has their own unique situation, their own constraints in their situation, and their own unique ability to cope and endure.
I just think that contrary to the flippant attitude towards divorce, is the extreme opposite of discounting that there are ever any valid reasons besides abuse or cheating for divorce. There are many marriages where the relationship does not have abuse or cheating involved but yet is so toxic and emotionally damaging and hurtful that it goes way beyond being “unhappy” it is actually psychologically harmful. Yet how else can one describe such a marriage except as an “unhappy” one. Because it is the total opposite of a “happy” marriage.
(and besides, many emotionally abusive marriages are never realized or admitted for what it is even by the victim. They are simply described as “unhappy” marriages)
Again, some of the posts here would go WAY BEYOND “unhappiness”, I think the word is taken out of context and assumed automatically to be a trivial reason. Who are we to judge other people’s reasons and how trivial they are – to THEM – or not.
I agree with Jen for the most part.
I often hear from clients who claim to be unhappy because they have sacrificed so much for the kids, their husband’s career or on behalf of their marriage.
At some point you have to draw the line and only you can be the judge of when the line should be drawn.
At the end of the day, your #1 priority has to be your own welfare simply because if you are not ok then you won’t be in a position to look after anyone else.
And remember, you are reaching out and giving to others because it fulfills 1 or more of your own needs…not because of an obligation.
Looking out for your own well being means steering clear of toxic influences.
Jo Goodman´s last [type] ..Marriage Issues
I agree with Jo!
I’ve been married for the last year and not lived with my husband due to the immigration process.
Living together and enjoying life together have been what this last years focus have been all about for me.
Its been hell.
We visit, mostly when I go south of the border to visit him (because he can’t visit me here). The visits are a mixture of real life… we spend time together, stuff comes up, and we have to separate again to go back to our respective lives.
It has barely sustained us. The few visits, plus daily phone calls where he downloads his work woes and organizes his (and my) to do lists are not enough for me to stay connected
There have been several times when my gut is niggling and it seems like another woman or women are involved… emails, references, etc. His explainations don’t make any sense, and are contradictory… I know he’s not being honest.
That was not our deal.
Its all undermined my trust and confidence in this marriage and in our ability to make it work.
So now, we’re close to the end of the Immigration process (and we have no guarentees when it will be over) and we haven’t seen each other for 2 and a half months. Our wedding anniversary is coming up and I talk to him about making plans to get together to spend it together.
Every objection in the book comes up. Money, time off work, doesn’t want to travel…
wtf?
I was so hurt I poured my heart out in an email and tried to communicate how important it is to me to honour the small but significant rituals of celebrating our marriage – its taken a lot to even get here.
He didn’t read the whole email.
We have no plans to be together. I feel sick and sad and unable to sustain this relationship on my own.
He thinks we just need to buck up, and wait it out and it will all be ok. I can feel this relationship taking its last breaths.
I dove, head first into this union with my whole heart and have perservered through a very difficult year. Now I wonder if its even real… or did I make this all up?
How can I stay with this man who can’t even give his attention to our love.
I don’t know what to do.
All I can say right now is wow. My heart hurts.
Looking at this I thought it was really enlightening. I actually value you spending some time and effort to put this article along. Once again I find myself shelling out excessively much time both reading as well as commenting. But so what, it was even now of great benefit!
My husband and I have lived separate lives for almost the entirety of our marriage. He lives in another country because of work. A few years ago, I discovered that he had been carrying on a relationship with another woman for quite awhile. I discovered his infidelity at the same time that his mother passed away. Her death took priority, and the issue in our marriae got pushed to the back. W never REALLY dealt with it. I was just expecte dto forgive and forget and move on. He claims the relationship is over and was just a mistake. He has tried to make me believe he is regretful of what happened and wants to make our marriage work…but I can’t move past it. More than just the infidelity, he was very disrespectful to me, and treated me horribly…now that he sees that I am ready to leave and want out, he is doing all the things I had asked of him years ago…including coming home. But I feel ike now it is too late. I want out…I feel bad because I don’t want to do it over the phone or by e mail or something inpersonl like that…but if I wait til he comes home, I think it will be worse….because then he will have given up his job, nd have nothing here. What should I do?
Newwings – I think you should leave your husband. He has violated the marriage repeatedly. You said it yourself – it is too late, you want out. Your mind is made up, you just need to actually do it.
Your husband sounds like a real jerk by the way. Why his sudden regret? sounds like he only wants to make the marriage work enough to stop you leaving, maybe he wants to preserve the legal marriage perhaps for financial reasons or to avoid the shame of people knowing that his wife left him. But sounds like he never wanted to have a real relationship with you if he was treating you with disrespect and carrying on a long term affair. (maybe his other woman left him which is why he now wants you to take him back). You will probably be better off without this jerk in your life.
The thing I hate about this ‘stay married no matter what’ attitude in our society is that it empowers people to be jerks and a$$holes to their spouses, do anything short of physical abuse and yet the spouse isn’t allowed to do anything about it (other than “communicating” or “going to counseling”…both of which likely don’t work if the other person is just selfish to begin with)
This article is full of craps. This is why divorce is so high in America. People like you are self center and selfish, and do not know what marriage really is. My father and my mother have 35 years of marriage, I saw how they resolved their marital problem. Marriage is not only about happiness, it is about commitment to make each better. Dropping from relationship to relationship will not make you happy, instead you will be a lonely person.
Marriage is supposed to be a good thing. If it turns into something ugly and harmful or reveals itself to be that way then, why stay??
a good marriage should be a rare thing because it requires so much from both people that is it really realistic that everyone can and should be expected to be able to conform to it? Would something that is truly worth having, be so easily accessible that everyone and anyone can do it?? And yet the cultural norm is to be married so the majority of people marry.
Thus it shouldn’t be surprising that the divorce rate is so high. That’s not necessarily a negative – the alternative to the high divorce rate would be that a lot more people will live the rest of their lives being miserable at home or else that the institution of marriage should be watered down – for example by taking away expectations to be monogamous or to live together with your spouse – to make it ‘doable’ for more people. Are either of those two alternatives better than the high divorce rate? I think not.
The logical solution is not to discourage people from divorcing, but to discourage people from getting married in the first place! Just as not everyone is cut out to be a doctor or lawyer or whatever job, so not everyone is cut out to be married for life let alone to whomever they were with when they decided to marry so it makes no sense that the majority of the population nevertheless decides to get married.
Thanks. Thanks for writing this. Its always great to see someone give back to the interet.
Alisa i am so very glad to have got this site! It feels burden off to know that we are so many hardworking , professional women going through crap in their homes and marriages. But the burden still remains as we all fight with our own demons striving for happiness.
I have been in my marriage for 11yrs now. I got my lovely eight year sons from it. I married not from love but from the fact that it was the right thing to do then because i had run away from home and could not go back to my parents home. Before the wedding i could get battered by him when he came home drunk. Out of me thinking that ‘ he will get better’ i still went ahead and married him. BTW, i did not have any source of income then. We got married, got pregnant with my son, had a CS. 2 weeks after my sons birth, he came home drunk at wee hrs of the morning with lipstick stains all over his shirt, i dared ask him what all that stuff was doing on his shirt, omg, he went with blows and kicks on me, i went unconscious all nite( i have no idea how my son slept thru that nite which was a rare situation with babies at that age). I woke up in a pool of blood that morning and all swollen. I still stayed on with him – call me stupid.
To cut the long, i ended up with getting a good job. And i am focussing on my career. He hates the fact that am in office and all, so one day he got hold of my fone and decided to text all male contacts that ”…..how i was raped at the age of 5yrs, and who would be attracted to a woman who was raped….” ( the truth is that i was raped at that age, and only confided in him so that he never gets to hear it from other sources, besides, he was the man i was marrying) …..This is the man i am expected to get intimate with and make love to! He makes me sick most of the time.
Sadly to say is that this is the 2nd time he is mocking me with that incident of my rape. The 1st time is when we were having some heated argument and he bashed it on me. This is the man who expects me to feed his as in buy all groceries, pay some of the bills in the house and also split 50-50 on school fees of our son, not forgetting asking me why i do not buy him clothes! This is the man who will never ask me out for diner or a date, or buy me anything , now that i have a good job, but will want to go out with the ‘boyz’ every wknd.
I cant wait to exhale. Help!!!
I googled this and am happy i found it. I have only been married 1 month and walked into my Husband choking our son on Tuesday, after that he said HE wanted a divorce?? Wow, all of this came out of nowhere. But 1 thing, my husband has PTSD. He tried to come back and say sorry and all that, but I am done and will not let him come back. His family thinks I should work thru this with him because of his PTSD and that it is a medical condition i should learn to deal with. I knew he had it for 3 years now and have dealt with it well for awhile. He has been aggressive and always disconnects about every 2 weeks and has breakdowns. He has been physical with me but never with the children. I am a grown adult and can fight back. But my son is helpless. I was raised in a home with abuse and will not let this be ok. I know in my heart and soul that it is not okay. And staying with him would enable him to do it again. I am hurt that his family thinks i should just let it be okay. Any advice?? Its pretty much set in stone that I will file for a divorce in the next week. But should i feel obligated to be with someone because of PTSD? I would’nt let anyone touch my children like that, not even their own father!!! To make this harder i am 4 months pregnant with our 3rd child and cannot deal with this stress well.
To think that your family would encourage you to stay with this man is amazing. I have a wife with a medical condition & as a spouse yes we do have to stick it out through tough times. But if this condition were to put myself or my children (if I had any) in danger I would be outta there. Your family has some really bad priorities. You must forst & foremost protect your kids. Maybe the PTSD caused his reaction but that is a reason to get out not an excuse to stay.
You could encourage him to get treatment, you could even go with him to treatment,if you want to. But you don’t have to be in the same household to do that. I am usually one to say stick things out & do your level best to make a marriage work. EXCEPT when there is abuse. PTSD is not cured. It can be managed to some degree. But if it causes violent reactions, the safety of a wife & kids comes first. Best of luck
hello, i want to leave him. I have been married for 15 years and he has had 27 jobs . everytime we get on our feet . he get fired or quit and we have to start over. we have had a beautiful home and a nice car. well….he let our home go into foreclosure (not working) and had an accident with the car. Now, we are leaving in a nice duplex ,but
it’s not like our big house, we drive a old car and we have no savings , no vacations,
and in 15years ,he have never bought me a ring. i have been wearing a faux ring for 15 years. i am soooooootired. I’m i being unreasonable?
if your marriage is chronically unhappy, it can have significant negative impacts on your health both physical and emotional. the toll can really infect and take over your entire life beyond just the borders of your home. And besides being miserable in your own home is no way to live – your home should be a sanctuary. That is reason to leave the marriage – when it starts negatively impacting you in all other areas of your life on a daily basis. when your ability to function is hampered, when moments of happiness are becoming more and more fleeting, when you constantly feel distressed or upset or fearful, when you are plain just not yourself anymore and haven’t been for a long time. in other words, when your marriage is causing so much unhappiness that it is harming your welfare psychologically even if no physical abuse is taking place.
http://www.wildriverreview.com/metzman/?p=114
HALLEUJIAH…….HALLLLLLEEE UU IAAH !!!!!!
YES, THIS IS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TRUE ,HD. AND THE 6 REASONS WHER ALLLL MY REASONS FOR STAYING ALL 6 . SO, AS OF THE END OF 2010. I WILL BE ENDING THIS CRAZINESS. LOOKING FORWARD TO A PEACEFUL AND HAPPIER NEW YEAR.
#2 and #4 make me wince. Basically they both say that integrity equals nothing! Examples like these are exactly why we live in the litigious sort of society that modern Western culture has become. The belief that one can simply change their mind after a promise is made is why no one can trust anyone! With no trust, of course there would be no marriage! This is a ridiculous, baseless reason! The only people that benefit from beliefs like #2 & #4 are lawyers and lawmakers. Based on these reasons, and the dishonesty and deception they support, the rest of this list is all bunk. Don’t take this advice unless you want to be branded a liar and a cheat and not worthy of anyone’s trust. I know that I am not taking it anywhere but to the toilet.
What you have done here is tell people it is okay to be untrustworthy, dishonest and to lack integrity. Bad advice indeed!
I am a 27 year old guy and have been married for 5 yrs but been with her since we were 15. I find myself having feelings for a friend of mine and looking at any other woman that is slightly attractive. i have not cheated on her but i told her in an arguement that i did not want to marry her originally but did because she was pregnant and i was trying to do the right thing and be the stand up guy so i did.
My wife and i have had a falling out in sept. but were trying to work though all of our issues, we are actively seeking counseling.
I wonder if i dont love her anymore or if its just in my head but when shes near me i do not want to even touch her. Im only slightly attracted to her and we have not had any sexual contact in about 6 months.
If anyone has any advice i would be all ears thankyou
Why did you think it was “the right thing to do” to marry someone you didn’t love? did you think that getting married would somehow create love that is non-existent? Or did you think that love has nothing to do with marriage?
if you married just because you had a kid, that means you do not value marriage as being a loving relationship between the adults, but only as a housing arrangement for your child to grow up in. As such, you have no grounds to complain when there isn’t love in your marriage, because you set the terms and conditions for it from the beginning
I guess I don’t understand why people – both men and women – believe that if a man and woman who don’t love each other (or don’t love each other enough) end up pregnant and have a kid together, that the “right thing to do” is to get married and pretend that the relationship is something that it is not, only to then get bitterly disappointed when it turns out to be exactly what it always was all along.
oh, we also have a 5 year old son whom i love more than anything. If it werent for him, we probably wouldnt be togather right now.
Even typing this makes me sad to see in text in front of me.
How did it come to this?
Unhappiness in marriage is misery. I went through a separation of over two years. Lived as a “single,” and thought I was headed for divorce. Thought everything was over. Had two teenage daughters and 17 years of marriage behind me. Planned to move back to my home state when the younger of them finished high school.
But just about that time, many unexpected changes and awarenesses caused me to begin to question the way I was headed, during an illness. Also, my husband was showing changes, too. The marriage I thought I thought was over/dead, was just about to change. I can not choose for anyone else. But I can say with authority that divorce as solution is highly overrated, the pain highly underrated. I meet so many divorced people for whom, very soon, the subject is “my divorce,” before anything else much is shared. I have heard others say they wish they had waited, tried more things, or not let another person come into the relationship with them during the problems.
My daughters suffered due to the separation, but were always loving and accepting of both of us. Now we have a beautiful happy marriage and family, with grandchildren now, and we are thankful for each other every day, where once we could hardly speak to each other. The unhappiness of our marriage did die, over 20 years ago.
Two situations I feel merit separation: physical abuse (first time it happens) and adultery pattern that the unfaithful one will not give up.
Jean aka Jane Bullard, author´s last [type] ..Marriage Can Happen and Can Bloom when Life seems at Lowest
Hi, I read the article ! It was great … Some how it gave me the srength to decide better. I’ve been married for about a year , From the begining he had some anger problems , he was so kind many times but suddenly be came angry !! We love each other but after experiencing too many fights , insults , verbal violence ….I felt hopeless and hopleless every day . He even shouts and tells me words I can not believe it is him !! He thinks I care about money but the fact is I just want him to try to do his promises. He made me fansy promises before but now….? The only think which is not erased from my mind is his kindness , his surprises , the way he treats me when he’s ok is wonderful . But he drinks every night and has some bad habbits.
Ohhhh I’m going crazy Actually it has been 2 weeks that I’ve left him because this time he started to shout and insult me infront of his family although I was innocent .I am not happy with my marriage I think I had better chances and I think he is too negative too selfish with some abnormal verbal violence. In this case u think my decision for leaving his is ok ?
Nazly, if there are fights, insults and verbal violence, I think you have made the right decision in leaving him (especially is he drinks every night and has some ‘bad habits’). This will only get worse and can lead to physical violence unless he gets some professional help. As for me, well my husband and I might seem to everyone looking in, that we are ‘the’ perfect couple/perfect family (we have a 13 yr old daughter, I’m 42 and my husband is 53). I cannot complain about anything in my life: responsible and loving husband/father and financially stable. My dilemma is that I have completely falling out of love with my husband and no matter how hard I try, I cannot rekindle that love. We have been married for 21 ½ years and I have been feeling like this for well over 12 years, if not longer. I have tried leaving a few times and my husband always uses our daughter to convince me to stay. He has known for years that I do ‘love’ him but am not ‘in love’ with him. He believes there is no difference. Our sex life is practically ‘non extinct’ and now it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to be around him, let alone have any intimacy with him. One year ago I tried to leave and again he convinced me. Only this time I gave myself 1 year to spark that love for him, if not, I promised myself I would leave for good (I never conveyed this to my husband). It is now 13 months since I made that promise to myself and unfortunately no sparks. So after much soul searching I have made my decision to leave him for good. I am tired of living a lie and being frustrated and angry all the time. I want to be happy and not feel guilt and depression all the time. This week I told my daughter of my decision. She has now matured and understood me (last year she did not handle my decision to leave well at all, which is another reason why I stayed and gave myself a year). She gave me her blessing and said “I want you to be happy”. She feels horrible and sadness for her dad and is afraid of how he will handle this. I am going to speak to him either today or tomorrow and may God guide me as I do not know how he is going to handle this……….
Sharon,
I can so much appreciate your pain. I really believe that you have to do what is in your heart for all reasons as you mentioned. He will hurt but ultimately the last thing you want to do is compromise your smile and spirit. I will say a prayer for you as you search to find the words needed for your conversation.
I am the Cynthia from 2009 comment… I finally stood and faced my fears and took my steps necessary…After a year and half of being separated ,Yesterday my divorce papers were filed…It hurts but it was for the best. God Bless
Cynthia, thanks for your good wishes and understanding. I believe that you made the right decision in leaving your relationship and continue being strong. Well, God guided me last night: my daughter (who insisted on being present to console him) and I sat with my husband and I told him everything. I was in shock that he did not over-react nor beg me to stay. He actually took it well as I believe he felt in his heart that this was bound to happen. He told me that if this is what was going to make me happy than to do it. I explained to him that I am thankful for everything with him and that I was sorry, but that this relationship as it is, was not healthy or fair for him nor for myself. I told him that he has done everything right and that he didn’t deserve this but that I was so sorry for not feeling the same for him as he does for me. I told him that I tried so hard this past year to make it work, but to no avail. He did say that if one day, down the road I realize the mistake I made and went looking for him, that he would never take me back. I replied “you are probably right, this may very well happen”. I feel in my heart that I made the right decision and only pray that he and I will ‘get along’ for the sake of our daughter. He insisted that I stay in our house with her and that eventually he will move out. I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and pray that God give us the strength to move on……….
Sharon, you are very welcome.
Honesty is the only and best way to be in situations like these…no one say’s it is or will ever be easy , in fact …it isn’t …but at least you are creating the best foundation for your first steps in taking back your smile and hopefully giving someone else (your husband )there’s back ..eventually, rather they can see it now or not.
God bless you and your family… I wish you well and hope you continue to find strength to get through this as easy as possible…Soon your smiles will return…and so will there’s because “you” found the strenth to set it free…
Sharon,
What you said to your husband was from the heart. He deserves that. I wish you the best. I told my husband finally last week that I want to separate. I completely identify with the feeling of “living a lie”. I would feel constantly down on my self for allowing myself to be in this misery. For so many years, I felt like I was moving in the opposite direction of my ideal self instead of toward it which is the direction I am used to going. I can’t let my daughters see their mother like this anymore. I have to respect my true feelings. How will my children recognize and value their true feelings if I keep badly hiding mine? Love is loyal but loyalty isn’t necessarily love. I want love in my marriage plain and simple. If the shoe was on the other foot and he was staying in it just out of loyalty (like I have been) I would feel betrayed – all this time assuming e loved me. Love me or leave me, I say! He is hurt but he said he has known the love was gone a long time ago….
@ Jesse Phillips: could you send me a link to these studies that you are talking about? I do not believe any studies until I see the data, p-values, and endpoints. Unless you are a statistician, I do not necessarily trust your opinion. I have seen other studies that show that children are more miserable when they see their parents living together without love, with bitterness and hate. My parents got divorced when I was 11 years old. Only after the divorce I started seeing my parents as individuals who love me and care for me. Before that they were tied up in arguing and seeing other people. After the divorce, my mother and my father were able to become at piece with themselves and started spending more quality time with me. I have a great relationship with them today as an adult. The divorce was the best solution for my parents.
I feel trapped. Everyone says marriage is a commitment and I know that. We’ve been married 15 years, in which he spent the first 8 of those never home with the military. We have two great kids who are unaware of the situation and have their own minor health issues.
My husband is wonderful. He is patient, caring, smart, a great father, good sex. Everything any woman would want. But I could care less. I don’t know why. It’s as if we’re just roommates caring for our kids, scheduling, barely having time for much else.
I started to have feelings for a friend and coworker I’ve known for a while. He is also married. We had a brief affair. It stopped. I told my husband though I didn’t have to. So we started counseling. This has not helped at all. We don’t fight, we communicate fine, we laugh together. The problem is he’s become a friend. I don’t want a friend. Now me and the other man have started communicating again but no actual contact but it’s gotten hot. He says he loves his wife but can’t give me up.
I do love my husband but I can picture my life without him. And actually fantasize about it. I’ve thought about asking for just a trial separation for some time, but this would devastate him. I don’t want to do that, end up coming back, but the relationship is beyond repair because he’s too hurt.
I’m trying to commit but have started to cry every day now. I know I need to tell this other man to leave me alone, but I need him so much. I feel resentment that society and everyone tells me to stay, I know it’s right, but just want to feel something. Is this really what marriage is about. Maybe.
CC,
I understand what you mean. I have the same problem with my wife. I have had strong feelings for a coworker that i no longer communicate with. Told my wife, and have been in counseling for about 3 months.
Its almost like we have a business deal, we take care of our son first and foremost. We have begun making time for each other with a date night once a week, but she seems less and less interested.
Im trying to make things work but at this time im not even sure if she wants to be in a relationship thats anymore that parents rasing the same child.
I guess im just trying to say youre not alone in your feelings and your situation. I hope things become clearer for you as time goes on.
Danny
Thanks. I don’t know if that’s good or bad that others feel the same.
I want to need someone and to feel that I can’t live without them. That deeper connection. We’re spending time together, we have fun occasionally, he’s a great husband, but I’m somewhere else in my head. Everyone says go on a date night, but that seems superficial-we try that too. That’s not the problem.
Good luck.
These have to be the wrongest reasons I have ever heard…..the only marraiges that do make it are the ones where the two individuals are committed to each other, they stood by their wedding vows, and divorce is just not an option. You did make a vow to love, honor and cherish til death do us part……………make sure you include this, because this is everything………..not I have to take care of me…….and me and me and me……………what can I do for me………….get you mind off of me………this advice is atrocious!!!!!!!! it’s wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Lizzy– I’m sorry this post generated so much anger for you. You might want to read the companion post that goes with it: http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2009/06/5-reasons-to-stay-married/ The two posts are designed to be read together.
I am married 5 years, i wasnt love at first sight. but we got on and still do get on well as friends. I t was more of a security thing for me, as i had low self esteem, bad relationship history and he was financially secure and a nice man.
4 years ago when i got pregnant, after my husband regularly pestering me to join in with his sex fetish (wearing lycra leotards) i was not into this but would occasionally do it for him to please him, then as my pregnancy continued i found him one day wearing the lycra leotards himself whilst pleasing himself, this continued for the last 4 years and i have another baby since then. It really turned me off him, he was forever buying new leotards and masturbating in secret – pushing me further and further away. i was all this time trying to encourage normal loving sex that we could both enjoy, but the fetish took him over. last summer i suggested counselling which he really didnt want to do and even joked ‘he would rather have a divorce than go for councelling’ as it is for weak people. after me saying that i could see us heading for divorce if he didnt he humoured me and went along to about 7 sessions before saying, you wont be dragging this into the new year will you darling, we really cant afford it and refused to go again (we can afford it he bought a sports car for himself in that time)
so i let it go on then in march i found a secret facebook account when i was logging on to mine and discoved a whole host of ‘friends’ all into the fetish status updated from my husband saying ‘im going to wear a leotard to bed tonight – thoughts?) he had uploaded a seroes of photos of a girl in a leotard named sexy lycra girl for all his ‘friends’ to see…
i wa devistated he had this goin on in secret for a year and a half.
my first thought were i want a divorce, i actually still do, but he booked these really expensive counsellors who we are seeing at the moment and he now says he will do anything for me and the kids and doesnt want to divorce at all
i believe him that he will stop this behaviour (also forgot to mention that he is addicted to smokimng pot which he is now saying he will give up if he has to…….
so we are on a 2 week separation to give me space, i have also started having some feelings for a man i know, i have a feeling this could be an escape for me, but i also am not sure if these are genuine feelings, i know he likes me to. i love but am not in love with my husband, he is a good father and has promised to change to make our marriage a happy one, but i feel it is too late for me and i want a divorce, but i am scared that it will damage my children and dont want to hurt them, but do want a divorce…..what do you think i should do?
Amelia
You shouldn’t rush into anything. Either with another man or the divorce. Has the separation provided any clarity. This seems like a tough one since you didn’t know before you got married so didn’t have a chance to choose to accept the behavior prior. Did he always have this fetish even then, or did it develop. If he had it for a long long time then maybe he hid it on you and that was dishonest.
Will you staying married to your husband in your current state be better for your children? How are they handling the separation? This will be clues about whether they’ll be damaged. Can you keep the relationship with their father a good one if you continue down the divorce path? Will he handle it well? Do you have any other support from friends or family?
If he’s been doing both the fetish and the pot for a really long time, I don’t kow that he’ll necessarily openly give it up. He may still hide it. But he may do it. You would have to have a way to make sure if you were to give it another try.
Good luck.
Sorry Amelia and others – the previous post was from me. I entered the wrong name.
I have been married for the past 7 years. I married my husband when I was 20. In the beginning I really loved my husband but then it all changed. When we started living together his ex wife would call and disrespect me and call me out of my name just a total disregard for me. I would ask him to talk to her and let her know not to do those things but he wouldn’t. Yet, I still stayed. After I gave birth to our first child we got married. Things were still rocky but I wanted my daughter to have her mother and father in the picture. Shortly after I got pregnant again. At this point I was demanding respect from the ex. I decided to put my foot down. And she started to act different. and then on our 2nd year anniversary he dealt me a devastating blow by trying to have sex with her. I found out via text message and he just played it down like oh, I was just showing out in front of the boys. I have not been the same since then. He became abusive after that and I started having an affair that lasted three years. I just sit down sometimes and wonder if this whole thing was one big mistake.. I finally built up enough nerve this year to tell him that I wanted a divorce. I do not feel anything for him anymore. When he touches me it makes me sick on the stomach. And I do love him because we have children but, I am not in love with him. He tells me that we can move past the things of the past but, how do I when those are moments that I live over everytime I see him and her in the same room. I want out but I think about my babies and the promise that I made to God.
Why i stay married really is beyond me. i left my husband in late 09. and still havent finsihed the divorce i started in jan 2010. he got in trouble so they moved him to a futher prison. i refuse to go. i did make a promise to not leave him alone. do i love him yes. am i lnlove. no. but my love is deep. we have been married for almost 4 yrs. but i think maybe just maybe god has a plan. what is it ? i dont know.only time can tell…im waitting on gods will
Husband abandoned me April 2009, we did regularly date on the weekends until he dumped me and confessed an affair which occured Jun 09-Nov 09, when we both swore continued monogomamy. All he wanted me to change, I did with flying colors. He did not do the same for me. Broke my hear 3x now. I am disabled woman on SSI $674/mo. and live in a small apt. My estr. husband still lives with his Mom and Step Dad and helps raise our eldest nephew Cody. I was never unfaithful to him. I need and deserve a strong man worthy of my love and devotion, not to mention the sexiness and skills I have!
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