This post is a companion to 5 reasons to stay married. To avoid confusion, please read them together.
1. The kids. If you are in a hopelessly miserable marriage, you’ll do more harm to your children by staying put than you will by getting out. By enduring misery, you teach your children, “I don’t deserve to be happy.” By putting up with abuse, you teach your children, “Never rock the boat. Take crap from others at all costs.” By staying in a hopeless situation, you also teach them how not to communicate, how not to have healthy relationships, and how not to be assertive. Is this what you want to teach your children?
2. You feel obligated. I have news for you: you don’t have to do anything. There are no “have tos” in life. None. You don’t have to go to work. You don’t have to get out of bed in the morning. You don’t have to stay in your marriage. Every single thing you do or don’t do in life is a choice-and it’s your choice. Take control of your life by owning your choices. No one is forcing you stay in a miserable marriage. You have the choice to get out. Which choice will you make?
3. You don’t want to be alone. Being scared of singlehood is similar to a kid who is scared of the dark. You’re scared of it because you don’t know it. You can get used to being alone. You can even come to enjoy it. By being alone, you just might find yourself. You’ll grow into a stronger, more complete person.
4. You made a promise. You’ve probably made many promises to yourself that you’ve eventually broken. Think back to any number of New Year’s Resolutions. Why should this one be so different? The most important promise for you to keep is this one: I promise to do what I need to do in order to live a happy and fulfilling life.
5. You’d rather have the misery you know than the misery you don’t know. Misery is misery. More important, life is one big problem. The sooner you start solving your problems and making the necessary changes in your life, the less miserable you will become. Misery happens when you stand still and do nothing. If you embrace change, you’ll also embrace happiness.
6. You’re afraid of what will happen to your spouse if you leave. You are not responsible for your spouse. You are responsible for your self. By staying with your spouse, you are enabling your spouse’s dysfunction. If your spouse has an addiction, an anger problem, a drinking problem, or depression and refuses to seek help, the best thing you can do is remove yourself as a crutch. Once your spouse is forced to walk on his or her own two feet-as all grownups should-he or she might just grow up and seek treatment.
In the end, you should stay in your marriage because you want to, not because you think you have to. You stay in your marriage because you believe it has potential. You stay in your marriage because, most of the time, you still love your spouse. You stay in your marriage because, by being with your spouse, you see yourself growing into a stronger, happier person.
You stay in your marriage because you’ve made the choice to do so.
You get out of a marriage because you’ve made the choice to do so, too. Not every marriage can be saved. Try everything to improve your marriage. If your spouse refuses to change or you see not one ounce of improvement after several months of hard work, it’s time to think about getting a divorce and start thinking about living the rest of your life.
No one can tell you the right thing to do. It’s your decision. It’s your choice. It’s your life. It’s your happiness.
This post is a companion to 5 Reasons to Stay Married.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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i’ve been married for almost 2 years now, and i got married when i was 18, and my husband is 10 years older than me,i know it was not the smartest thing to do, but i did it mostly because i wanted my husband to stay in the country legally. i also loved him, but since i got married and started living with him, i havent been as happy as i should be. even getting things ready for the wedding werent exiting for me. he also has two kids ages 6 and 10 and it also makes me regret getting married because i have no free time, and cannot go anywhere with out these kids. my husband works out of state and i only see him during the weekends. i am so use to being by myself that i dont even miss him that much anymore. i do like it when he comes home during the weekends mostly because that way i have more help around the house, and i can do my own thing on the weekends, like go to the gym and what i love most spend time with my sister and niece. since i got married i have always had like a voice inside my head telling me that this is not what i want, i wasnt ready for this change in my life. i feel like i need to grow up more and be more mature before getting into this serious situation such as marriage. i want to explore life and want to study law and take my own time without feeling guilty that im not always with him when he is here. he is a wonderful man, he is sweet and honest and always tries to make me happy, he loves me soo much and it breaks my heart that i dont feel entirely the same way about him, yeah i love him , but not in the same way that he loves me. i care about him and worry about him but i dont think i can keep making him feel sad anymore, i really dont think i deserve his love, i dont think i am a good wife, stepmom and nothing. i just want to be alone for a while and think about whats good for me and figure out what makes me happy. i am afraid that if i leave him i might regret it later, but i dont want to stay in this marriage and still feel guilty and not so happy, and then time goes on and i get old and i realize that i dont want to deal with this anymore, and there is no way i will get another chance at love as easy as it could be when im this young. i dont want to miss out on the good things in life, and for me the good things in life are spending time with my only family that lives in the states, which are my sister her daughter and husband and my mother and hang out with friends with out giving anyone an explanation. i just want to be free and happy, but im scared to make this desicion i need advice! Help!
When you are with the person you’re meant to be with, you won’t feel like you’re missing out on life.
amen to that reply, that says it all…
wow this not god.love is what matters hear.
Dear confused,
I normally would not offer this advice to an older person who has been married for years and have children together but in your case I think it is quite simple, that you got married WAY too young and you are still very young. You also dont have any children together that are keeping you with him.
You are staying in a relationship that you are not happy with out of guilt. He is 10 yrs older then you…..he’s lived a pretty good life and experienced dating and even having 2 kids. You got married when you were only 18! You were and still are a baby! You were too young! PLEASE you have NOTHING tieing you into this relationship. No baggage, all the baggage is HIS! You dont have any children together. In my opinion, it cannot be ANY easier to up and leave this man. I’m not saying he isnt wonderful and a good person. But it sounds like you did him a favor by marrying him instead of marrying him because you knew this was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Bottom line, you were too young and didnt know what you wanted. You didnt get to explore life and relationships. Get out now. Be honest with him tell him you were too young and you are sorry, but this just isnt what you want. You deserve to explore life and see whats out there and to find the TRUE LOVE that you are meant to be with. Take this as a lesson learned in life. He will get over it. And not for anything but a man who is 28 and marries an 18 yr old, should really not be surprised when the marriage does not work out. I mean come on, you are a kid and now you have to help RAISE his 2 kids?! Now that you have no children together, is the best time for you to get out. Good Luck to you!
I have been with a man for a year…and I’m the other woman. He has confided in me that he has cheated on her before.They got married very young and have since grown apart. He says he stays because of the children. How do I make him see that this isn’t necessairly the best idea? Do I feel bad for being the other woman…definitely yes. It wasn’t something that was planned…we were co-workers first, then became friends and it grew from there. But I feel for her as well. He doesn’t have a commitment to the marriage anymore but won’t ask for a divorce -1 because of the kids and -2 because he says she’s a good person and hasn’t done anything mean to him. She’s caught him cheating before and still stays with him. They’ve tried couples and individual counselling and nothing has worked. She knows who I am because she caught us out at a restaurant. They both deserve more than a loveless marriage and the children deserve two happy parents instead of two unhappy parents. Is there anything I can do to help them see that staying together isn’t necessairly the best option?
Hiding it. I feel no remorse for you because you should know better. You think if you convice him to leave her that he will be loyal to you? KARMA my dear. Sorry but you are single? You didn’t say. Sometimes married people cheat with other married people, but if you are single, no good will come of this. Even if you aren’t single. Sure he has no reason to leave her other then boredom. She’s been good to him………so she desrves a cheating spouse? He will never leave her. He has the best of both worlds. I guarantee if she were to leave him, he would be distraught and leave you too. What fun are you when she’s gone? He’s using you. He can sweet talk you til hi hearts content…..you are for fun only, she has his heart.
Yes I am single….and I recently broke it off with him. I know full well that she does not deserve a cheating spouse. I feel for her as a woman when he says that he sleeps with her out of guilt – no woman deserves that. I’m definitely not looking to obsolve myself of blame in the situation….but he fed me the lines and I fell for them. She even caught us out for lunch and he thought it was over but still she stayed. In a way I wish I could make light of the situation for her and make her see that he’s a liar. He’s been a cheater from day one as they started out their relationship long distance and she took his word on things. I think I’m having a harder time letting go of the friendship that we had formed first. He’s met my family and become involved in my life which is something that meant a lot. He’s asking that I not shut him out of my life….he has this crazy notion that we can still be friends??? How…not like I’m going to go over for a sunday BBQ?!
Hiding it– This is a “you can lead a horse to water” situation. You can’t control what he or the wife does. What you can control is your own actions and behavior. I think he’s probably lying both to you and the wife. What he tells you he feels about the wife probably isn’t true. Years from now, you will look back on this and wonder what you saw in him. Right now I would imagine that you are in a lot of pain, though. The best thing you can do for yourself is get as far away from this guy as possible. I doubt you can be friends at all. What kind of a friendship would it be? You already know you can’t trust him. What person would you stay friends with that you knew you couldn’t trust? Think about what you know about his character already. He isn’t loyal. He lies. He makes up the rules as he goes along. Are those the qualities you want in a friend? It’s hard to walk away from a relationship. It causes a great deal of stress and pain, but there is a promised land on the other side. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is stop communicating with this guy.
Hiding it, I feel for you in that you were probably naive and a little vulnerable and believed all the lies this “serial cheater” told you. If he’s cheated before he even married his wife, there was never trust to begin with I feel for her too because she must really love him and is hanging onto him even though he is abusing her this way. Very selfish of him, and very sad for her. I mean, why bother getting married if you werent even honest from the get go? You are right, you cannot have a friendship with this man. You have way too many emotional feelings for him and it would never work. Plus, its still giving him best of both worlds………….you know he will be holding onto the thought of having you in bed again, so he will keep you close. He will probably also find another woman to cheat with, and then you will be even more hurt. Just let this dog go………..let him be his wifes problem, not yours. You deserve to have someone love and be with you and ONLY you. (sorry if i was harsh before, u just brought to realization some feelings i have toward someone else i know, sounds like you could be talking about him….but I know your not) Good luck to you!
I posted earlier about my situation. I haven’t been involved as long, but it’s been off and on for about 8 months. He was a coworker and very good friend for 5 years. Then it happened. His wife is a good woman and he has two great kids. I have a great husband and two great kids. But we both grew apart from our spouses and found that after we spent so much time together that we wanted more. But he won’t leave her. I decided that after this, and realizing that I am staying with my husband for the kids, that I need to begin to leave. I can’t help that he wants to stay with his wife, he’s not going to leave her, I can’t put myself there. It hurts too much. For him too, to his credit he agreed. You have to move on. I left my job. We’ve tried to stay friends, but it’s been very hard. It is possible I think. But it’s really hard and you have to give it time and patience, and the same committment as a relationship. But it will NEVER be the same.
cJohnson, did he ever leave his wife? just curious. Good for you that you had the strenght to leave. If you really knew in your heart this was the best choice for you, then have no regrets and good luck to you. I hope you find the happiness that your past relationship couldnt bring you.
Dear LGA
Thank you for your advice, you are absolutely right about what you said. i do try to leave him, but im afraid that if i do i might regret it, because in one way or another he is a great man that even now, after telling him that i regret getting married this young and telling him that i dont want to take care of his kids anymore because i dont have the patience, he still tries to make me happy, i so think i dont deserve him, i always think that he can do better than me, i am afraid that i might not find someone who will love me just the way i am, who is gonna understand me in every single way and like me for who i am, what if i end up alone in life for being such a bad stepmom and wife, what if god punishes me. with the kids i feel like they hate me, especially the oldest one. i constantly fight with him, and what i do now is avoid being with my husband and the kids when they go out, i just let them be together so they can spend time with their father, which by the way, we only see on weekends because he works out of state. but anyways, i just dont like to be with the 3 of them, and i dont know if its bad or not for me to do that, but i sure do feel better and more free. i have tried to leave him many times but im scared to be on my own.
Confused. Afraid to be alone??? At 20 yrs old? Really? Honey, you have your WHOLE LIFE ahead of you still! You have plenty of time to meet a man who will love you for who you are that YOU WILL LOVE BACK JUST THE SAME. Do not stay with someone because you are afraid to be alone. That is not fair to them, and it is not fair to you either. You are SO young. Would being alone awhile until the right one comes along be so terrible? You already said you enjoy the weekends when they spend the time with thier Dad and you dont go with them, imagine having ALL the time you want? I can understand your fear, because you are so young. But trust me, being alone isnt so bad. You are so young, you have plenty of time to meet someone else and enjoy all the things in life that you feel you are missing out on because you settled down way too young for the wrong reasons.(that is what you did) you “settled”. Beautiful that you wanted to keep this man in the country, but it was very selfish of him to allow you to do that for him. You have to do what is BEST for you. You are the only one looking out for YOU, he may say he is, but you know his kids come first……YOU have to come first for YOU because you deserve that, and you deserve to be with someone who you LOVE as much as they love you. (not stay with out of guilt and fear) Good Luck to you!
LGA – I spoke with him yesterday – and I told him that I hate him for making me feel this way. The problem is I don’t hate him and I don’t think I ever could. What made matters worse is I had to call him last night for help…a leaking hot water tank and water in the house left little option. He’s honestly the only person I know ( I recently moved) …aside from co-workers who I would feel weird about calling late at night. He came over to help and clean up and we ended up talking. I cave at the sight of him….he has my heart even though its breaking. I’m doubtful that he’ll ever leave….unless she initiates it. But still I can’t walk away. He said if he didn’t have the children that he would have left her a long time ago….I can’t understand it……how can you be with someone if you’re not in love with that person. I”m in love with him and can’t fathom the thought of sharing that with someone else. I know I’m a fool for sticking around…but sometimes you can’t help who you fall in love with.
Listen, I know what you mean when you say you can’t help what you fall in love with I am with you 100% and in the same situation. You do have to wonder if his wife knows, and she stays, does she condone it. Perhaps they both stay for the kids. I am there too and have been miserable, staying because of the kids. At some point you have to realize you deserve someone who is going to love you enough to really be with you. You all deserve that, you, him, his wife, me, my husband. It just so happens that my “friend” decided that he needed to be with his wife. It was hard at first, but we’re working it. We are still friends – but I realized I can’t have him, he cant’ have me – and that’s the only way – otherwise you have to stop contact. Until you make him choose to be happy, whatever that looks like, you can’t be sure and you’re ruining any happiness any of you might look forward to right now. Anyway – advice from someone who’s been there very recently – and really still in love with that “friend” – but oh well. That’s life, and I move on.
Testing if I can post from my phone, cuz I can’t from my pc
So its my PC????? Ugh. Hiding it, you desrve to be with someone and not have to share them. He won’t leave cuz its comfortable……she’s always there, someone to always go home to. He is hoping u will cave and continue to give him Best of both worlds. Keep ur options open……date other men……..its the least you can do for yourself if u choose to stay with this guy.
I feel terrible about my marriage. So much that the thought of my husband depresses me–I don’t want him to be with me on weekends too!….Sometime I feel he has an affair…..but that seems ok to me as long as it keeps him away from me….I don’t care about him…..I just feel and hope he runs away with his away with his girlfriend…so that I can have the home to myself without having to see him ever!…..He had extra marital earlier too……but that time I was heart broken…now his affair seems such a relief–as the more he is involved with another woman—the more relieved I am from the stress I get when he is around.
I don’t leave him becoz I have no home to go right now to. I am a student…and I work part time, that hardly pays for my expenses….I can’t afford rent, or even a divorce lawyer’s fee, while my husband can easily afford divorce lawyers. I had been gifted $40000, by my dad….. at the time of my marriage–but my husband without my knowledge passed it to his father, so that his father can invest in properties for himself with my money. I am so broke…and I have nowhere to go to. So I am hanging on just so that I can have a home to come back in the evening.
But I don’t even like even the sight of my husband. I hate him!
I have been miserable for the past 17 years but my children are doing amazing!!!! we only stayed together for them ..we said we were gonna be civil but we fight every day and sometimes nights…sucks…but the kids do great when we are together
Not sure whether i am happy or miserable….
some days its great on other days its miserable.
Our situation is that we have a beautiful 1 year old….have great job and make more than enough to put food on the table , no loans nothing material that should cause struggle..but then why am i miserable….
wife is great on some days and on some days she is just a witch.
She cant get along with anyone …not my parents nor the housekeeper or the nanny.
She wants me to help around the house and when i offer to hire someone to help her she throws a fit saying she doesnt want anyone entering the house.
I put in a hard days work and expect to relax when i get home but am greeted either with a happy wife or a bitchy one who chews my head off………it surprises me especially since i am not responsible for either.
she expects me to pick up after myseld clean my closet etc …i agree i am a slob and really lazy at home but i work hard and make enough to hire a housekeeper or two if needed …is there a reason to be bitchy about this?
she doesnt want a nanny for our kid because she doesnt want someone coming into the house and i dont want a day care because my kids been sick twice already and i dont want to loose sleep over her being sick.
i do try to please her as much as i can and she is fine for a little while and then the moaning starts……….it is driving me crazy
she doesnt want to go to counselling……….
it has gotten to a point that i am starting to hate her more and more everyday……our sex life has come to stand still esp with the baby and her attitude.
divorce sounds a great way out but i feel am i giving it up without a struggle.
all i ask is a tension free life….worked really hard to get to where i am……and she is just driving me nuts with this……………i wish i had never met her!!!!
Why cant the stupid bitch just enjoy life without making it so complicated….
i dont expect her to work or do anything (i told her get whatever or whoever she needs housekeeper nanny both or if she wants a 3 or 4 of them just keep off my back)
Am i wrong in feeling frustrated……….
miserable
Miserable, wow you sound so selfish. Did you ever think your wifes unhappiness comes from you not being around to help and when you are, you refuse and just say well I’m a slob. Believe it or not us women, most of us, would rather be poor and have a husband who WANTS to be involved in taking care of our home and children and who actually connects with us. You think because you work all day you are entitled to be “OFF” from being a good husband and father when you get home? A mothers work is NEVER done and she is NEVER off. Her day NEVER ends. Sounds like you both need counseling if you are going to try and work things out. But my advice is, you need to take a look in the mirror and change that attitude. It will get you nowhere, and you will be divorced and lonely.
I just want to caution you all that this is a supportive community. I do allow comments out of anger and desperation because that’s where most people are when they first come here. But @Miserable please keep in mind that calling your wife a “stupid bitch” causes other women here to wince and feel as if you are applying that terminology to all women. I know you are not. You are just angry right now. That’s understandable. But please remember how your words can affect others.
LGA– Please be careful about the name calling. Everything you said is important to convey the female perspective, but there’s a way to say it without calling someone “selfish.”
Good?
i guess i should tone down the post but that was made after a huge arguement and name calling
Now let me answer xyzs post…How does a “Good Husband” need to behave.
Come home and then get started on the chores at home after a full day at work?”Believe it or not us women, most of us, would rather be poor and have a husband who WANTS to be involved in taking care of our home and children and who actually connects with us”
that is just a glorified romantic thought ……and i am sure atleast some of you agree….
we live in a real world with real problems ..
Money is important….
Just because i dont help with the laundry or do the dishes or help vaccum the house doesnt mean i am a bad father.
just because i want a nanny to help take care of my child doesnt mean that either
i still pamper and play with her every day.am there when if she is sick or if she needs me in any other way.it is unfair to say that….
it is not like i am in the military or overseas most of the time
i work a full days work and then i expect that dishes are done and laundry done and clothes folded and picked up after me.
I dont expect her to do it…i just want to have someone do it for me….
so that it lets me have more time to myself.
i actually want the time off so that i can spend it with my kid and wife by doing something fun.. like maybe watch a movie or go to the park?
i may sound selfish but i dont see it as wrong unfortunately….i do spend time with them but my idea of a good time spent is unfortunately not doing dishes or laundry…..or vaccuming
her arguement is she doesnt feel comfortable letting others into our life but i dont agree with it..
Married for four yrs and been together for almost 10 not happy not feeling alive but we have 3 kids and he wants to fight for them should i stay or should i go and fight !!!! help asap
he had an affair for 3 years …why didnt he just leave me? I went to craigs list and contacted a guy that was also married and going thru the same..when it was time for “the date” I back down….I am just gonna wait till my last one heads out to college….
I have been married almost 10 years, together 12. We have a child together and I have three other children. I’m really not happy in the marriage anymore. We often spend time together, but have nothing to talk about. He looks, well stares, at other women and every time I leave the house he looks at porn. It makes me feel like crap and i don’t think he should ever be the one making me feel bad….. I am not one to hold me tongue and say something often, not always. I don’t nag, just ask him not to stare at women in from of me and stuff. He is always apoligetic, but continues to do it. I’m about done. Just don’t know what to do……..
I have been married for 11 years and for the past two years it has not been good. Although I want out, my husband threatens me that I will not get custody of my son. He even went behind my back when I thought we were reconciling and got a temporary order for sole custody, where he gets possession of our home. I want to leave but do not want to leave my 6 yr old son. I am in nursing school and do not have the funds to move out so I guess I am stuck. Miserable.
We live in a small town, on land that was given to my husband by his family and his family is all around us. I am not sure what will happen, but I desperately want to leave.
I am so confused about if what i am feeling is ok. I have only been married for just over a year and a half. I dated her for five years before I got married. Even when i proposed i did not feel that it was what i was supposed to be doing. I often find myself wanting my wife to give me a reason to move on out of our marraige. When one gets married one is suppossed to be excited to go home to his wife. I remember on our honeymoon, just not being excited about anything and when being asked how married life was, i could never honestly say that i liked it. I feel that i got married for the wrong reasons. I have revealed my concerns to only a few people i trust and i am getting mixed counsel. I am not one that can hurt another emotionally but i am really not happy and havent been from day one. what should i do and how should i do it?
B
For whatever reason you got married it maybe wasn’t the right reason. Only you know or maybe you think you dont know You can give it time because maybe you aren’t used to it since I don’t know if you lived together or how long you dated. Or end it now before there is kids and it becomes agonizing. Maybe you just have the wrong expectations and need to just talk to her and you guys can fix it.
Been married for over 20 years and i am in my mid 40`s. My wife and i have two children. One in college and the other will be out of high school in two years. My wife has been diagnosed with BI POLAR and is under doctors care. The marrage started off good for the first seven years untill my wife had an affair. My wife is a beautiful woman but always wants the attention of other men. This has made me question myself and angry as well for what i have been put through. She never wanted to talk about the affair and always blamed it on me and for that i started yelling and caling her names out of pain. I was never able to tell her how i feel and she never helped with the damage this caused to the marrage. Since then things have not been good and i get all the blame. She has had two more afairs and the plame goes to me and the excuse is the BI POLAR disorder. No trust at all for her but she reels me back in. Now im at the point of evaluation. Can she change or do i leave? Is this the disorder or and excuse for more lies and affairs?
CML
She obviously isn’t going to change. Even if it is the disorder can you live like this anymore? What makes you stay. For me it is fear of being alone and making a bad choice I can’t reverse. But in the end you have to decide what you want and need to feel happy and good.
THIS COMMENT IS FOR THOSE WHO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE MARRIAGE. This is awful advice. Unless your being cheated on(repeatedly), beat or subject to “true” verbal abuse, then you should suck it up and stay. Stop being a selfish quitter. Its not about you or your happiness anymore, its about your childrens happiness. Nobody listen to what Alison has written here because its the essence of the “me” generation mentality. For better or worse means just that (minus the previous reasons for divorce listed above). Take care of your family. I imagine one of the biggest reasons women complain is “He doesnt give me the attention I need”. Really? If your that lonely and needy go get a hobby. Or read a romance novel. But I bet if you stopped nagging about it and asked nicely what you wanted, you’d get it. No matter how much it hurts your pride to submit to the man. Try it. It will work and your marrage will be happy again.
@John, your advice maybe true for some couples. But any couple who fights over and over again, even without name calling and physical abuse, STAYING is worse on your children. Some couples just fight a lot. Everyones circumstance is different, so you can’t go telling everyone that Alisas advice is awful. My kids cringe when me and my husband get too loud in our yelling. And does it really take numerous affairs to get the green light to leave? I’m sorry but I STRONGLY disagree with you. If you are not happy you won’t make ANYONE happy, including your children. Your kids deserve a happy you, even if it means being unhappy for a little while. To each his or her own. There is no wrong in what anyone decides to do. JMO
I am a deployed US Marine in Afghanistan. I am 25 years old and was happily married until about 3 weeks ago. My world got rocked when she divulged the truth about an affair that had gone on for 3 months. I am a strong person and I tried to empathize with the year long deployment and the struggles of not being able to hear from me while I am in combat zones, but I feel far more sadness than anger. I loved being married and loved her even more. She receives flowers monthly while I am away, I would bake her heart shaped cakes on her birthday, and give her backrubs every night before she went to sleep. We have no kids, but this deployment was supposed to be my last, and afterwards I was going to start a family. I was overjoyed at the prospect. The reason I am so sad, is because she still really truly loves the other man. She has been honest about it and I appreciate that. But I just dont know what to do. I am young and in excellent shape, I have a bright future and a lot of love to offer someone. I dont know if I want to stay in this marriage for selfish reasons or not. I feel like I am putting more effort into saving the marraige than she is most of the time. I think she is confused. She doesnt know what she wants. I feel like if we worked out, she would always wonder what life wouldve been like with him. Part of me wants to let her go, to see if she comes back to me or is truly happier with the other man. Should I try to make things work? I come home in less than a week and a half… I never dreamed in a deployment where I saw dead children and lost friends that the hardest part of it all would be it’s conclusion. Please offer me some perspective. Everyone’s advice here has been very thought provoking…
I feel for you, that is such a sad and heart breaking situation. You sound like such a caring and wonderful person, but if you stay with her you’ll always wonder if she still has that place in heart for the other person that she loves. She has betrayed not only your trust by cheating, but given her emotions to this other person, and what’s to say that a few years down the road she wont want out anyways because she misses him, or has always wanted him? And as you mentioned you’re putting all the effort in saving the marriage….what does that tell you about her desire to see this work out, or her respect for you? Do yourself a favour and let her go, it’ll be horrible and difficult at first, but you have so much to give…why not give it to someone who’ll appreciate it?
Difficult for blokes to comment on this or seek advice from friends.
Still is this world men are ridiculed for having feelings.
So here goes.
Been together 19 years
Married 2 years
Patience – very thin
Unhappy around 10 years, why get married you ask? she wanted to
Kids – none thankfully, wife is like looking after a child.
Sex- not often, lots of rejection lead me o seek secret fantasy satisfaction (Very unrealistic)
So I did not bother to make any advances for sex, more recently I showed no affection either.
Finally after about a year of basically ignoring each other sex has started again and I am not really bothered anymore, must be old age.
Friends-none
My Hates- arguing over trivial stuff, wife like to argue and keeps pushing for this.
Arrests- I have called the police twice due to her drunkenness and one failed knife attack on me, I was able to dis-arm her.
Work friends-none as I work on my own most of the time (wonder why I am not a serial killer or something)
Also my wife hates my family, my family hate my wife.
So any family social events do not happen on my side of the family
After much effort at being a modern caring sharing bloke (I do lots of Ironing and cook most dinners and pay nearly all bills 95%) for the last 19 years, including doing work I don’t like to support us both.
So wise people of the world what should I do then? Stay married with hopes it will improve?
Or create a row and split up?
I was quite a lively spark until I got married, out of love, early on and betrayed within a few days…since then its just gone DOWNHILL…I’ve never felt so IMPRISONED in my whole life having weathered quite a few storms before. We are only married in name, never quite became a family. The odds were against us and it took me mountains of courage to walk out, live apart, stick to a job straight from hell, try and work things out and also look NORMAL to the world and in the middle of this soap opera enters the hottie I had turned down when we were estranged, and I am hopeless. I mean, I was barely 25, gorgeous and full of love and cant say what led me here! So begins this quest for self-sustenance while neither of the man quite stands out and I acclimatize to the massive disappointment. I realized to my horror that I was taking the same route as my mother – she too was gorgeous and bright and ended up in a hell of a marriage. We’re still married, technically. I couldn’t care less about building my fairy-tale anymore coz I’ve just lost faith in men. Oh what I’d give to be single again!
I’ve been married for 6 years and I’m not happy with my husband anymore. He’s cheated on me in the past and left me and our 2 kids to be with some pregnant chick. That hurt me so bad. I always look at it as once a cheater always a cheater. I don’t trust him at all. I love him but I’m not in love with him. There is this guy that I’ve been knowing for 5 years and I’m falling in love with him. We always have a strong and special bond when we see each other. My husband and I have 2 kids together. A 6 yr old son and a 4 yr old daughter. I want to leave him and take our kids with me but I’m scared he’s gonna fight me and cause a big scene. But it was ok for him to cheat on me and my dumb ass let him do it. Now that im not in love with him anymore and wanna be with someone else I gotta suffer with things. I need some advice on how I can move on with my life without my husband.
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