5 Reasons to Stay Married
A few people wrote to me, either privately or in the comments area, taking issue with yesterday’s post about reasons not to stay married. One person asked about the meaning and importance of wedding vows. Another said that divorce always damages kids.
Today’s blog is not an attempt to argue with those viewpoints. I honor and encourage different opinions on this blog. I’m glad you all shared them. Your comments help to shape a full discussion. Thank you.
But I don’t agree. I don’t think vows or kids or a sense of obligation is enough to hold two people together in marriage for the rest of their lives. In my opinion, good reasons to stay married—even if you are both currently unhappy—include:
1. You are both willing to work together to try to improve your marriage. It takes two people to create a good marriage. It only takes one to ruin one.
2. You haven’t yet tried everything possible to save your marriage. You have not gone to marital counseling, sex counseling, or individual therapy. You have not read marital improvement books or gone on couples weekends.
3. You are going through a temporary rough patch. Maybe one of you just lost a job. Perhaps one of you is grieving the loss of a loved one. You can easily pinpoint when your problems started, and you can see an end in sight.
4. You feel hopeful that your marriage can be saved. You think your marriage has potential.
5. You’ve been working on your marriage and you see some improvement. You might not be anywhere close to nirvana, but you’re certainly better than you once were.
These are all good reasons to try. They are all good reasons to muster every ounce of endurance and resilience you have. These are things that just might carry you through so that, one day, you can look back and say, “Wow I’m really glad we stuck it out because look at how far we’ve come. I’m so happy you are still in my life.”
What are your reasons for staying married?
Tweet This Post 
Facebook 
Stumble This Post
Related posts:
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Tags: Marriage Advice
June 16th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Alisa, I completely agree with you. I had a married couple that wanted and needed a divorce but would not because they didn’t want to hurt their daughter. After all the yelling and name calling they finally realized they were only hurting their daughter and they divorced. They are both happy with other people and the daughter is happier. Both individuals returned to the fun, friendly people they were before they were married. They even speak kindly to each other. Marriage was a blessing for them because the had a beautiful daughter and divorce was a blessing to them because they both recognized that their daughter needed two parents intead of a couple people lost in a sad relationship.
Keep up the good work…you always get me thinking.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
There is only one reason to do anything in life: It’s the best choice for you. I know this sounds extremely egocentric, but after all, it’s your life. Your 5 reasons are all excellent ones, as was your original post. BTW, to the comment that you only see your kids every other weekend if you are dad: Patently untrue. Joint custody can work, but you have to be able to work with your ex. Otherwise, it can become a tug of war where everyone loses, especially the kids.
Thanks for a great post Alisa.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
So true! Again, I think staying married for kids or because you want to honor your vows is dumb; it does take TWO people and people and kids are NO better off if one stays in a miserable and truly unhappy dead end marriage. When people get religious about it, and I’m Christian myself, I say “God may not like divorce, this is true. But He also didn’… Read Moret create us to be miserable, lonely, neglected and un-cared for. He created us to have loving, joyful relationships and experience happiness and peace!” And you know what, no ONE has ever argued with me on that point–not even the most religious, God fearing, church going person. Yes, in a marriage, there WILL be tough times, trials and tribulations, that’s normal and even good sometimes–because it helps you grow (hopefully). But, still, I think people staying together for the kids solves nothing…….in fact, on the ‘Today’ show this morning they were talking about how kids/teens who ARE in households where the marriage is troubled (constant conflict, fighting, yelling) those kids are MORE messed up during THAT process than kids whose parents have actually divorced and are now happier and calmer within themselves. Kids in conflicted … Read Morehouseholds are more likely to drink, have more sex and partake in drug use as well. So, that should be food for thought for some people. Just saying….great reply to your blog, Alisa, as always, you are right on! I’m so glad you saved your marriage, along with your husband, it’s inspiring!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
P.S. I totally understand, encourage, admire & support people who DO stay married–money’s usually a factor too, especially in this economy. But, staying married is hard work and marriage isn’t for everyone, I absolutely believe in staying for the RIGHT reasons, like you listed above! To all of us who have done that, I say, BRAVO!
June 16th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I don’t think it is at all “Dumb” to stay married because you made a legal and moral contract to do so. Its merely showing integrity. If you only intended to stay married as long as life was perfect and comfortable, hopefully your vows reflected that. Mine were more traditional, “in sickness and health, in good times and bad, till death do us part” and so, since i’m not DEAD, and nor is my spouse, i am committed to this marriage, no matter how unfashionable that may be.
June 17th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Well, my x got married to another guy and then 2 years later we were divorced. A bit too late for anything listed.
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:33 pm
I agree – never stay together for the sake of a child! It is not easy, but in the long run it is worth it. Speaking from experience it takes time, patience, forgiveness and a great deal of love for the children to work through a divorce and be civil to each other.
My son’s father and I split when he was seven years old. It was not easy after 11 years, but once we were able to get out of each others personal lives and focus on our son’s life it was much easier on both of us. It took about one year to get out of each others lives and two years to be completely civil when our son was not around (we made the effort not to fight and argue in front of our son). Both of us made good money, so we split the child expenses ½ and ½ and worked out a visitation schedule (that was easy as a US Marine he was deployed for half our son’s life). We have always been about to talk civil to each other about our son, catching up on his school, sports, vacation, etc. Only in the last couple years can we speak on a slightly more personal level of how is the spouse, how are your kids, how is work… Anyway, his father was sent to Iraq, back to the states, back over to Iraq, home to the states, over to Japan and then back to Iraq. Needless to say my son did not get to see Dad too often in the last six years. This was difficult because they were always close. Last year he made a huge decision with the help of two months of talking with me and his counselor (his father is a Marine and our son needed help dealing with his feelings of Dad possibly dying over in Iraq). Our son decided he needed to spend time with his Dad and reconnect as Dad would be home every night for two years. My son’s only concern was would he be welcome “home” again if he left. After reassuring him he could come home anytime after the end of a school year he decided to go! This adventure has opened his Dad’s eyes and made our relationship even easier. I had him for eleven years first as a military family (any one who know the military family life knows that I was a single mom most of the time) and then once we separated a true single mother. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life letting my son go. I speak to my son five times a week and see him as much as I can (he lives on the East Cost and me on the West Coast). We (son, father, mother and step-parents) have not decided on him returning with me in 8th grade or not, but one thing we all agree on is he needs to spend 8th-12th in one place as these are the most important years of a teenagers life. This decision will come in time with lots of communication from all parties, including our son!! Our son is very happy with both his parents, well-rounded, very good at communicating and is an honor roll student. He loves both his step-mother and step-father because it is not a competition! He knows who is father is, he knows who is mother is and darn it people – they have the right to love their step-parents without feeling guilty! My point is that staying together for the sake of a child is not a good thing. His father and I were miserable together, but we better friends then a couple. All of the “parents” work together and get along for the child’s sake. If the parents are happy then the child is happy!
November 16th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
What does fashion have to do with marriage? (I just said that to be obnoxious.)
Thanks, Nancy, for being so transparent. It is great to have people share examples of the HEALTH that can be produced in the lives of formers spouses and their children after a divorce. IMO people pushing the “stay together at all costs” mentality are the reason women stay with men who are abusive, repeatedly unfaithful, living secret lives, or are just flat out jackasses who refuse to be responsible for their vows because they are selfish. Why stick around for that? I too am a Christian. I know what the Word says about divorce. I also know what it says about the way spouses should treat one another. I agree wholeheartedly with Sarah Liz’s statement that, “[God] didn’t create us to be miserable, lonely, neglected and un-cared for.” If that is the picture of any person’s marriage, God didn’t take the picture and I don’t think He would want it to be developed! It seems to me the main thing is to start off right. People would do well to assess the motivations for the marriage and state their intentions for it clearly. If more people who went to the alter took care of that part first, maybe none of us would be commenting in this blog about whether or not divorce is a valid alternative to a miserable marriage because perhaps fewer people would be miserable…. But, who knows that for certain?
December 24th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
I liked your post, very true. The only thing I disagree about is this: It takes 2 people to ruin a marraige not one. Relationships are not one sided, everyone has their part.
December 24th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
It takes 2 people to ruin a marraige, not one.
January 10th, 2010 at 2:33 am
I would first like to compliment the author of this site, as the articles are very insightful, perhaps the best I have seen on the web, so kudos to you.
I would like to offer some thoughts on often used comment, “staying together for the sake of the kids”. Kids, in this context, sounds to me like a contractual obligation, a car, vacation condo, or any other mutually acquired obligation.
I am in a sexless and affectionless marriage. After 6 years, I fully realize that it was a mistake, and have punished myself needlessly(insommnia) for making a bad decision after much much careful consideration.
What keeps me going? My son, who I love dearly. He is the joy of my life, and is constantly happy, almost innately.
He provides these points of distinction for me why I stay:
1. We have a very close and strong bond.
2. It is certainly not his fault that I made a mistake marrying his mother.
3. A divorce in which his mother gets custody(if she gets it)would send him straight into poverty, which is how his mother was living with her daughter, deeply in debt.
Maybe other people don’t bond with their kids as much, which makes it easy for them to walk away, I don’t know.
There was beautiful quote I read on a blog which sums up my dedication to him, and why I live in a bad marriage:
“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”
C.S. Lewis–Answers to Questions on Christianity
January 10th, 2010 at 10:55 am
RN–I think you raise an interesting and compelling reason to stay for the children, one that I had not considered before. Many people stay because they are too scared too leave, which is not the best reason. Also, staying because you worry about the emotional scars of divorce on the children probably is overrated. But if one parent clearly is not a good parent, for whatever reasons, that’s a lot more compelling.
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..How to Accept Defeat, Part 3
January 22nd, 2010 at 1:31 am
I have been married 5 months and I am a Christian. We didnt even have sex until we were married and we are in our 40s. We were both married years ago in our 20s and that did not work out.
I am now at a place where I honestly do not see how people STAY married and I do not see how I can possibly stay married. Its not that I dont want to, its just that, I dont see HOW it can happen. We are having issues, not adultery but other big stuff and my brain is just on overload because he has DEEP issues I can not fix and I can not see how to stay with him thru his issues. For now, I am coping by sleeeping in another room and speaking to him only when necessary.
April 20th, 2010 at 10:45 am
I would also like to add a little to the discussion about whether to stay for the kids or not.
Firstly, I must say straight up that unless you come from a broken home yourself in which your parents separated and divorced, you cannot really have true understanding of the impact that it will have on you for the rest of your life and how much you never want to put your own kids through the same thing.
“Also, staying because you worry about the emotional scars of divorce on the children probably is overrated.”
I have to wonder when I read such generalizations as above.
The dynamics of failing/failed marriages are often quite different to one another. Not all divorces result in each parent becoming happier or better parents individually than they were as a dysfunctional couple.
I came from a broken home in which my parents fought for years, mostly at the instigation of my mother who was dissatisfied with my fathers behavior towards her.
My dad was emotionally and physically detached from my mother as much as possible. He was self employed and his employment took him away during the latter part of the day and well into the night.
As a child (one of five) I still have very vivid memories of the fights they had, and the topics of often heated discussion in which my mother voiced accusations of adultery etc. I remember the separate beds for about 3 years and the loneliness my mother felt day to day of loving a man who didn’t show love and affection towards her, and more often than not wasn’t present or sleeping during the day.
My ‘mum’ (spelling correct, I’m an aussie
) was in for the long haul and tolerated much for the sake of family unity.
My dad too for all his faults stayed for many years beyond which he probably wanted to. He made a choice to stay for as long as he could for his kids. To feed and clothe them, to be there as much as his odd work hours allowed him to be.
I remember many late nights with fondness when I got out of bed to spend time with dad while he ate a reheated meal that was cooked hours before. I remember and treasure many discussions and alone times I got to share with him while others slept and undoubtedly my siblings would account same when I failed to wake one night when he got home, but they did.
My mothers suspicions and accusations were ultimately proved to be correct. My father had many flings and affairs as a result of the opportunities that his employment gave him. He was a charmer, a ladies man, and people were often drawn towards him. Eventually he found someone that he fell for and separation and divorce was imminent.
I was 15 and it was 1975 when my parents finally split. My life and the life of a younger brother and sister was about to take a substantial turn for the worse.
We were thrown from upper middle class life style into poverty virtually over night with my mother resorting to welfare. I soon had a very two faced jealous step mother who did everything she could to divert as much of my fathers attention and finances towards the needs of her own 3 kids.
After settlement my mum had enough to secure a mortgage of her own on a little two bedroom cottage in the country. There was no way she could afford to stay in the city and pay for a mortgage and raise 2+ kids. I was fairly self sufficient at that time (15) and soon in employment and contributing to the household rather than going to school. (Please excuse my punctuation as a result).
I got to see my dad usually via my own efforts in traveling down to the city on the odd weekend. I even secured work in the city at one stage and lived with my dad and step family for a few months which proved disastrous due to the jealousies and actions of my step mother.
She would be nice and polite and even seem to care while he was there, but the moment he wasn’t she would turn. She would often lie to my dad about conflicts between myself and her kids that didn’t actually happen. I wouldn’t do dishes or chores etc when I had. She was a manipulative control freak and my dad often took her side to keep the peace.
My younger siblings got to see dad around xmas time when he managed to detach himself long enough from his new family and make the 120 mile trip for the day.
They too (younger siblings) in their later teens lived for very short times with my dads second family with similar results to what I experienced… Rejection, jealousy, animosity, hostility, neglect, lies, favoritism etc etc. All the while having to be grown up beyond your years in trying to get along and deal with people that have displaced you through no fault of your own and in truth want nothing or as little to do with you as possible.
My mum never did get over dad. She never got another fella or remarried. She was 48 when separation and divorce happened. She was very very bitter towards the betrayal by my dad, but she never stopped loving him and probably lived in hope until he died when he was 73 (both same age) she lasted another six years (79).
If you ask me or any of my siblings whether they would have preferred my parents split earlier to avoid the fighting and the impact on us as children the answer would be NO!!!!!!!
I got to spend quality time with my dad that I would otherwise not of had even though the fights between my parents when they were together were at times very stressful and even frightening to us kids we knew we were loved and cared for and we were ALL part of a family even though it was often dysfunctional.
The emotional scars I bare from those times are more as a result of what came later when they parted than when they were together.
For anyone to generalize and say the kids and each individual parent would be happier, mentally healthier, and better life achievers etc etc as a result of being away from such ongoing conflict is talking out of their backside.
No-one can know what lies beyond the other side of the fence. The grass is not always greener for parents or kids on the other side.
What I learned from my child hood experiences is that no matter how difficult my relationship becomes with my wife (and it is in trouble), separation and divorce are the absolute last resort after every other effort I can possibly make to save my marriage has been undertaken and failed.
Even then I would still stay if at all possible for my youngest remaining child at home (son 15) and put my own happiness aside for a while.
I’ve learned that walking away is far easier than putting in the effort required to try and make a marriage work. I’ve learned that one persons pursuit of happiness and sexual gratification at the expense of everyone else impacted is about as selfish as one individual can ever be.
I still have issues that were never discussed and resolved (never can be now) with my father due to the fact that my step mother hid the rapid deterioration of my fathers health (cancer) from me until it was too late to converse properly with him.
I am persistently and actively trying to save my marriage, not only because of my son, but because I still love my wife. Even if that wasn’t the case though I would endure remaining unfulfilled and unhappy because I don’t want to gamble my sons happiness on the unknown aftermath of a divorce because I gave up too early.
BTW, I’m 50 now. I married my child hood sweetheart whom I met when I was 15. She was a neighbors child I met and fell in love with when my mum moved to the country. So not all that came about as a result of my parents splitting up was bad.
We’ve had for the most part 35 years together with a couple of break ups and experience of having other partners in our late teens before finding each other again. 5 Children and 8 grand children later we’re still together, barely.