Comments on: Why am I attracted to other men, but not my husband?

By: Jamaican confused married man

Jamaican confused married man — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 03:38:42 +0000

I am a man in a marriage crisis. My wife recently cheated on me with a co-worker of hers, and it has been a challenging period since then. She says that she is committed to getting us back to where we were before, where our love seemed endless, we looked forward to sex, we were all for one another. Since this other man has come into the picture, he has been the bain of my existence. The problem we are having now is that she says that she has feelings for the other man but she still loves me, and she does not want me to leave, but it has been affecting our sex life, as she wants to have sex with the other man, rather than having sex with me. She says that I still please her sexually, but then she does not know why she wants to have sex with the other man even though he is not as good as I am.

Is she telling the truth? do you believe that I should stay and work this out? She had sex with the man over a month ago, and her feelings for the man have not wained in any way, should I take it as a sign that our marriage has ended? It would hurt to believe that the marriage has ended, but I would rather it ended, than be living a lie. Your advice is very much appreciated.

By: Jackie

Jackie — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:37:36 +0000

Alisa–Your responses to this question are SO helpful. It’s so refreshing to hear from someone that lack of attraction is in fact NOT a dealbreaker in and of itself. It’s so nice to know that it can build (and to hear that you and your husband were able to do it!). It’s so nice to know that feeling attraction to other men is an eye-opener, yes, but not necessarily end to your own marriage. To the Man in a Marriage Crisis–Absolutely ask–gently and lovingly–it may open all kinds of doors for discussion. I personally have this experience with other men all the time. These relationships are NOT affairs–not even close. I am just hyper-aware to how the other men are able to make me feel. And also hyper-aware to the fact that my husband in not currently able to do the same. It’s a sinking sickening feeling, and it CAN lead to affairs. But, do not assume the worst.

By: Man in a Marriage Crisis

Man in a Marriage Crisis — Sat, 30 May 2009 17:43:43 +0000

What should the husband do if he suspects that this is a question from his wife? Was it asked knowing that he would see it? Is she baiting him? Should he ask her about it? And if he is wrong, would it be a sign of mistrust to just ask? If he trusts her, should he ask even though he thinks that she will not physically act on it? Is it ok for Woman in a Marriage Crisis to continue contacting and seeing the other man? Would that be sort of infidelity? Would that relationship be appropriate to continue in any form?

By: Alisa

Alisa — Fri, 29 May 2009 17:19:39 +0000

Yes, staying in a marriage is a decision. So is getting out of one. Having an affair is a middle ground: it’s wishy washy. It’s about not making a decision. People have them because they don’t think they will get caught. If hidden cameras were positioned everywhere in the world and our spouses really could find out about our every move, most people would be forced to really make a decision: is sex with this person worth ending my marriage? Perhaps the answer is, “hell yes!” Most of the time, the answer is, “Nah.”

So, to answer your questions: yes, if the marriage is not workable, then divorce is the next step. Maybe she’s unable or unwilling to rebuild her attraction to her husband because the marriage is toxic, for example. (I didn’t get that from the emailer, though). If she’s only with him because she’s too scared of the alternative: she should try the alternative.

As for phrases. I think this is what I would say:

* I am not attracted to you anymore, but I really wish I was. I want to be attracted to you again and am looking into ways to make that happen.

Does it sting? Probably, but it’s true and it’s honest and it’s geared toward solving the problem. I’d understand if my husband said as much to me. Yes, it would hurt, but catching him in the act of having sex with someone else? That would hurt a lot more.

By: Natalia

Natalia — Fri, 29 May 2009 16:37:31 +0000

This is a paramount issue, I find, although not a very popular one in conversation.

I never would have guessed that you felt that way about sex with your husband a few years ago, Alisa. Look at that. I guess it’s easy to forget the writer is a real person too when she seems to have all the answers

This is useful advice!

I’d like to know what you think Woman in Marriage Crisis should do if she becomes unable/unwilling to rebuild her attraction toward her husband. Couple’s counseling? Swinging? Stock up on some courage and get a divorce?

Also, perhaps some example phrases about how to break it to your partner that he, um, just doesn’t do it for you anymore (OUCH).