Is it okay to have sex with a much younger man?

Q: I’m a middle-aged widow who has developed a relationship with a man in his 20s. He’s my son’s age! So far our relationship has been platonic, but things are moving in the sexual direction. We’ve talked about getting a room at a Bed and Breakfast, but I’m worried. Is it okay to consider having sex with a much younger man? He is of legal age, but still much younger than I am. How can I know that he will enjoy my naked body? How will sex affect our relationship? If we spend a few days together and do it, will he want to continue having sex with me? –Worried Cougar


Dear Worried Cougar,

I think I speak for middle-aged women everywhere when I say: Rock on, sister! Please let us live vicariously through you!

You are really over-thinking this. Will he enjoy your naked body? There are only two types of men who would not enjoy your naked body: gay men and dead men. You have nothing to worry about. The vast majority of men are not as picky as most of us seem to believe. Plus, he knows your age and I’m sure he’s been to a beach and seen woman of all shapes, sizes and ages who were wearing only bathing suits. What you look like without your clothes isn’t going to be a huge surprise for him. If you’d told me that your boobs glowed in the dark, I’d be a little concerned about his reaction. But wrinkles and saggy boobs? I’m so not concerned.

As for your other questions, only time will tell. There’s no way to predict the future. Even if he were exactly your age, you would not be able to predict how your relationship would progress. That’s what makes the early part of any relationship such a mixture of exhilaration and fear. It’s like driving a race car while you are blindfolded. You just never really know where you will end up.

Better questions for you to ask yourself are these:

  • How will a relationship with this young man affect your relationship with your children? A casual sexual relationship probably won’t affect them at all, especially if they don’t know about it. A more serious relationship will affect them a lot.
  • Can you connect with this young man in a non-sexual way? In other words, can you have stimulating conversations about topics that interest you both? If the answer to that question is, “No,” then your relationship will probably naturally ebb over time.

There’s nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality with this young man. He’s of consensual age and you are both interested. Older men have been enjoying much younger women for centuries. As far as I’m concerned, you are helping to take the women’s liberation movement one giant step forward. Enjoy the moment and let the future sort itself out.

Is it okay for a much older woman to have sex with a younger man?

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  • Writer Dad May 1, 2009, 9:43 am

    My wife is 11 years older than I am and she is AWESOME. Wouldn’t trade her for a younger woman EVER.

  • tim May 1, 2009, 10:33 am

    I had several relationships with older women, back in my 20s. One ended when it became sexual, because she had serious circumstantial issues that I wasn’t prepared (financially or emotionally) to deal with. None worked out, because we never clearly and honestly communicated our needs and desires. I think if you are ready to enjoy sexual experience(s) with this young man, by all means do so! Try to communicate your expectations (or lack thereof), and realise he may not be mature enough yet to return that honest communication.

  • Tracy May 1, 2009, 8:33 pm

    Sex with a younger man, by all means go ahead! I agree with Alisa that a relationship with a much younger partner could have some special issues that you should think about.

  • Athena Bradford May 1, 2009, 8:47 pm

    It is so much better than okay! Smooth skin, let the games begin. As for how this will affect yr. relationship (and I’m not clear on what that consists of), I suggest that you ask yourself one question: “Will I feel comfortable the next morning over breakfast.” If you’re hesitating, ask yourself why. If you’re thinking “who the hell needs toast when I can be having sex (again!) with this cupcake,” start packing.

  • Lisa H. May 2, 2009, 7:43 am

    My dh was born the year I graduated from high school – we celebrated my 40th birthday in the first year of our relationship. We dated for a year and a half, lived together for 2 years, then married when he graduated college. Luckily for me, his mother doesn’t care for fur, and didn’t hunt me down and wear my pelt for a jacket ;^) My kids from my first marriage, ages 30 and 25, like him and even sometimes listen to his advice o_O
    Our most difficult issue was children – not wanting to have them, but *being able* to carry a baby. After 7 years of trying, we were blessed with a beautiful boy. It just tickles me to tell people, “No, not my first grandchild, my third son!” and see the looks of surprise when they realize B is my husband, not my son! I get a lot of “You go, girl!”
    At 52, I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful a younger man can make you feel, when you get past the age issue and just bask in the joy!

  • Anon May 2, 2009, 9:45 am

    My girlfriend is 18 years older than me. Her son is 3 years younger than me. Her daughter had a child a bit over a year ago. Its different, but it works just the same. The pleasures and problems are there like any other relationship.

    • markiee August 21, 2011, 6:02 am

      When I was 25 I was seeing a much older woman that taught me a lot about life. She was a big athletic domineering divorced woman of 55. We would get together on weekends at her beach house. This one weekend in particular was the most embarrassing and stimulating for me. We made love all Friday night and when I woke on Saturday she was not around. No big deal as she often walks on the beach so I decided to take a shower. As I was coming out of the shower in walked a strange younger woman. She screamed I screamed and was searching for my towel as I turned around to reach for it fell and as I bent over to pick it up my red and scratched naked cheeks came into her full view. Who are you and what did you do with my mom?
      Your mom?
      Thinking the worst she thought I had broken in or did some terrible thing she pushed me banging my head into the wall. As I stood up and grabbed my head she reached down and grabbed my other head and pulled me on my tippy-toes out of the bathroom and into the living room (which had floor to ceiling glass windows with sliding doors) sat on the couch pulled me over her knee and proceeded to question me as she spanked for all the beach goers to see and hear as the sliders were fully open. She obviously did not feel physically threatened by me as she and her mother were both taller heavier and stronger than me. Not long after my grilling at both ends started we heard someone clearing their throat, she looked up and I looked over my shoulder to see her mom. She started laughing and said the looks on both of our faces was precious. Her mom introduced us and her daughter apologized and I told her that was okay and we continued to chat. After a few minutes Donna started laughing again saying she was glad that I was out of the closet and how comfortable and well we kids were getting along. So comfortable that I was still over her daughter’s knee.
      Oh I said and quickly got up only to be further embarrassed by my manhood.
      Well well well Donna said, it seems that it wasn’t too terrible for you getting your first spanking from me last night and a touchup one from Cherie this morning. I think we are onto something here. Oh and by the way Cherie, markiee is 10 years younger than you so you could have been his babysitter growing up.

  • Nando May 3, 2009, 8:50 am

    Girl, speaking from a total “other perspective” — Go and “ROCK” with that boy! I myself enjoy the young ones–and although some don’t make for long-lasting relationships in the end–they are “long-lasting” at other things.

    A younger guy is about fun, sex and laughs and their energy is so contagious that you want to fully experience the joy ride over and over again.

    Treat yourself, sounds like he’s into you. Now “really” let him.

  • d May 4, 2009, 10:48 am

    At 26 I had a girlfriend who was 44. We had a great relationship while it lasted. She was smart, honest, straightforward, communicative, beautiful, and lusted after my body. All characteristics that were so missing from the women ‘my age’.

    However, while I am delighted to see the positive responses to this article I wonder if the reaction would be so positive were the genders reversed. If you can’t see the opposite relationship the same way, who is wrong? You are, but I am betting that it won’t be regarded that way.

  • markiee October 8, 2009, 4:29 am

    My wife is older than I am and much bigger too. I am 5’7 165 lbs. and 52 years old, my wife is 6’2″ 190 lbs. and 57 years old. On my 50th b’day we ( my wife, me and my mother-in-law) went out for dinner. We had a wonderful time but drank a little too much so we headed home to have cake and tea before Barbara headed home. No sooner had the door closed when Amanda said that there was one more gift she wanted to give me. As she took me by the hand she guided me to the couch started to undress me sat down on the couch and before I knew it turned me over her knee to give me my birthday spanking. Just then the door opened and in walked Barbara she stopped dead in her tracks as she took in the seen unfolding before her. She started to laugh as she said that this was a whole different side of me that she hadn’t seen before. I tried getting up but Amanda held me down and asked me where I thought I was going since it was too late to to hide as her mom already saw me getting spanked and continued until she hit 51. Then Barbara wanted to wish me a happy b’day as well, then it was over her knee as well as she got a 2″ rise out of me on the 51st spank. That was the most embarrassing spanking I ever received not only because my mother-in-law witnessed me getting a spanking but my wife let her participate and the fact that a 75 year old 6’3″ 225 lb. woman was able to spank a 50 year old man to tears with just her bare hand. My wife now lovingly spanks me in foreplay and it never fails to get a rise out of me and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  • Oleg November 15, 2009, 8:07 pm

    I do not speak well for the English, but I still like the logic of your post:)

  • daffodils December 21, 2009, 11:34 am

    i have been with a man 18 years my junior for the past 11 mths and it is such a bliss. it is very true how a young man can make an older woman feel. he appreciates me a great deal and when we make love..it is good. we also have great conversations. his presence in my life has motivated me to take better care of myself and to be more attractive :) he treats me with great respect and adores me…

  • Angel January 19, 2010, 10:29 pm

    Hi all wanted to let you know that age really does not matter. I’m 24 years older than the young man that I’m with. We both know that it’s all for fun. So far so good we know it won’t last forever. And that’s ok. Hold on tight it will be the ride of your life..

  • Keri February 5, 2010, 10:31 pm

    Hello lovely ladies–I am 41 and my beautiful sexy smart and juicy boyfriend is 34. Oh lord, it’s heaven. We get along so well, have so much in common, play hard, love hard, chill out, laugh uproariously (he’s hilarious and by some miracle, I make him laugh too), cook together, plan outings, go camping, hang out, and on and on and on. He has children and I do not, but because I love him so, I am open and willing to get to know his kids and participate in their lives. Younger men are everything you all have said, so let’s indulge and celebrate them and ourselves.

  • Night2B March 27, 2010, 12:29 am

    Go for it. What the heck…life is too short.

  • mary March 29, 2010, 8:47 pm

    i say go for it if you are mature enough to handle it i just started seeing a guy who is 31 and i am 43 we are both on the same mature level due to things has happen in our lives. the sex is so great it is unbelivable i get so hot just being near him i have great orgasms mutiple times he is really a great guy and i am starting to fall for him and i do believe he feels the same way!!!!!!

  • Cherishhim July 19, 2010, 1:43 pm

    I don’t want to brag about it but sex with younger man is really additing. My BF is five years younger than me and he is the best partner I ever have. Not only physically I feel like a teenager and mentally I feel so too. My sex drive is so high when I am with him and it is never like this before. I am having the best time in my life and I cherish every single minuate I spent with him.

  • Havin'Fun October 22, 2010, 1:22 am

    I’m 50 and have been seeing a great looking 26 year old man for the last 7 months. He’s a wonderful lover and an energetic friend. We both believe that the relationship isn’t “forever” but are definitely enjoying the moment.

  • Kaleidescopic October 26, 2010, 3:49 pm

    Tonight I am making love to my male friend who is 27 year younger than I am, for the first time. I am CERTAINLY physically attracted to him, and he to me. I wouldnt pursue a physical relationship myself, unless we were also emotionally and intellectually connected too. These posts have gone far to waylay my body fears. I intend to relish him.

  • minyon November 14, 2010, 2:19 am

    I don’t think that it is wrong at all. Age is just a number. I could understand if he was about 14 or something. That would be creepy but as long as he is over 18 :)

  • Mary November 29, 2010, 7:11 pm

    There’s a young man who has been after me for a few months. He said he was 29. I decided to hell with it and told him he could come over. I dont regret it. He is worried about me falling in love with him because he said he has another committed relationship,obviously not too committed. After we had great sex, he told me he was 24!!! I am 48 but i am glad i found this site. I dont feel bad at all. It wont last forever but i was out of the game for 2 1/2 years and have decided to enjoy myself.

  • LORI December 8, 2010, 5:03 pm

    Well i meet a 20 year old man. I see him coming over my house to visit my daoughte. Every night he text me and say “Goodnigth have sweet dream” each morning I receive text from him
    “Goodmorning beautiful did you sleep good?” think like this. Time have going by and he ask me if I had a goodnight sleep I say no. that I had a dream and I woke up with my heart beating really fast. He ask me what was that dream about. I say I did want to say and thank God it was a dream. He keep ask me and a finally told him it was about him. He ask what about. I told him me teasing you in my room but he was older around 45or 47. He ask me if had sex I say no I woke up with my heart beating very fast. He say “NO WAY NO SEX” I say no thank god. He ask me If I have touch him on his private in my dream i say “NO” He say do you want too. I at first say AH no thank you. I am to old for you and is not right. He say there is no such of thing old. I say honey I am old enough to be your mother. He say no 43 is was not old + He had have a dream too of me having sex with me and I was so great that he want his dream to come true. I told him he was crazy. He say “no every time I come over and I see you in your computer doing homework I think your that most beautiful, hottes, exotic, and flaws 43 year old woman he had ever put my eyes on” I laugh and say thank you. He say was am seriouly. Time when by and my daughter when to a football game and she told him to come over and wait for her intill she got home. I didn’t know anything intill. The door bell ring and he was at my door. I told me to come in and that I was busy cooking but he was more them welcome to seat and watch TV he did. I was to that kitchen and he keep looking at me. I was wear my sweatpants my sweatshirt and my shoes. Nothing sexy at all. He walk to the kitchen and start breathing in my neck I told he that he was silly and he say no just hot for you one thing lead to another that last thing I know I was on my couch with him. It was that most best thing it had happen to me. He was so gentle and soft like he was doing someone for that first time. I told him that I hope there was no attachment involve. He say if that is that way I want it that was fine. But he say I was great and he don’t might doing it again. Sence then I feel with more energy, younger and I got in a diet and have lost 16 pound. I love looking good now. Thanks to him.

  • Lydia December 22, 2010, 9:34 am

    I am 40yrs old my BF is 28 we hav been together for year now. It has been an amazing year the se is great and we are so inlove. We are planning to get engaged next year I am over the moon.

  • Steve February 20, 2011, 1:05 pm

    Criminiee, …. I’ve found that if we can get past the male-female differences, everything else is workable.

  • jennifer April 19, 2011, 6:28 pm

    I am a 35 yr old mother of 4 who just recently began a sexual relationship with a 21 yr old man. He pursued me since he was 19! We are having the best time together. The sex is soooo hot! He cant get enough of me and vice versa. We spend every free moment together. I was very hesitant at first because he is only 4 yrs older than my daughter but after he was so persistant and always told me how beautiful and sexy I am I figured what the hell! I’m so glad we did!

  • kate April 22, 2011, 11:51 am

    Oh thank God for this site! I’m going to stop putting myself down as too old, too flabby, too less-than-flawless and say yes to this gorgeous man who’s been after me. He’s about thirty years younger than I am. I kept thinking this was way too crazy but now see the situation in a new, positive way. Time to let that inner goddess out of the dungeon. Life is too short and too beautiful. Thank you all!

    • Rach May 10, 2011, 1:20 pm

      You go girl :)
      Enjoy him!

  • pinch May 2, 2011, 11:41 pm

    Previously have always left my options open regarding the age of my bf’s. But after my divorce I let things slide. My ex is 58, dating a 17 year old, but to his mind everything was ok when she turned 18.

    Two years ago through a professional association. I became intrigued by a much younger man. He was/is very unusual; he’s had a lot of life experience and he’s done well for himself. I thought he was, and is, a very interesting person.

    The first time I met him face to face, he stared – and stared – right round the corner. As did I. It was a real rush and I felt great, coming at a time when my chips were down. I didn’t expect that response, though, and I tried to minimize it. We went our separate ways.

    Two years later, I joined the association again. By now he was well on his way to being a star. I had lost a lot of weight, was taking care of myself, and ….. was turning the corner when I got the wierdest feeling that history was about to repeat itself. And it did.

    I am 57. Most people are shocked to hear that, and i can “pass” for 40-45. I work out 4-5 times a week and I love to laugh. But I visited a Psychiatrist today to ask if a chap in his early 20′s would find me attractive or it I am loony. Turns out I’m not, at least, in the way I thought.

    Thirty years ago, interracial marriages were taboo. Twenty years ago, gay couples were shunned. My ex is effing a girl 40 years younger. Why do I have blinders on?

    i really like this fellow. I’d like to get to know him better. But i talked to a younger man about this, and he says “We’ll hear none of that”. I also had a dating website posting, and got all kinds of younger men emailing me saying how they want to “learn” from me. Does my body look like a classroom?

    The optimist in me wants to say that in 10 years this will all be behind us too. and I thank each of you for cheering me. I’m a little more prepared to let things fall the way they will.

  • Rach May 10, 2011, 1:09 pm

    I’m a 47 yo Mom being hotly (very) pursued by an 18yo friend of my son. Hesitating a bit, but he’s legal, and the physical chemistry is almost painful.
    I’m definitely weakening!

    • Drusilla August 19, 2011, 4:20 pm

      Rach: Holy cow. I have a huge crush on my 18 year old neighbor, and I’m 46. Rach, this makes me feel a bit better. My friends say I’m horrible for having feelings for him. I *like* him as a friend too! Has anything happened between you two?

      • Rach August 22, 2011, 7:42 am

        Yep, and it’s been fantastic :) We both know there’s no future in it, so there are no expectations but the fun we can have together! I feel like I’m 18 again myself, we’ve made love on the beach, in my car, on the golf course….
        I’ll always love him as a friend also :)

  • Shirley May 10, 2011, 3:07 pm

    I see absolutly nothing wrong with a woman of any age being with a male of legal age. If the guy wants to be with her, then it should be no problem. And just the same, a man of any age can be with any female as long as she is of legal age. When I was a young man, one of my fantasies was to have a much older woman. When both people are of legal age ,then age should not be a factor and if someone has a remark then they should be ignored. I think that more and more women are dating and marrying much younger guys, its about time!

  • LilBit July 4, 2011, 8:15 pm

    Hello everyone, I am a 45 year old divorcee. My husband cheated on me and produced a baby out of the affair. Anyways I was feeling a bit depressed and unwanted. Don’t get me wrong i’m a beautiful 45 year old grandma. Yes I have a 1 yr old grandson. I met this young man that’s 25. OMG he is soooo fine. We’ve been texting one another since we met. We haven’t seen each other yet since the first meeting. But the texts are so hot. He tells me all these things he wants to do to me sexually and how he wants to make me smile again. I don’t know what to do. Should I get involved wit this cutie patootie………….

    • Rach August 22, 2011, 7:45 am

      Why not?? Go for it and have a great time :)

      • Fina September 5, 2011, 1:27 am

        And do you have other sex partner beside that young man?

  • Wes. July 9, 2011, 2:53 pm

    I am a much older man than the 18 yo. male that sent me an Email , and told me I was very handsom and he was and he close to me very badly, I am very young looking ,and healthy for my age , and I am widowed , and we have been in touch for some time now , telling one an other what we can do for each other ,, but its is getting to the contack stage , and I need to know is I am doing something Illegal ,or not , can you help??
    thank you

  • Drusilla August 26, 2011, 5:06 pm

    Rach: that’s wonderful!. I’m very happy for you. My situation? I think he looks on me as a trusted friend. Idk what is going on in his household, but I do know his father has said inappropiate things about sex in front of him and in front of me. D:

  • Cathy September 9, 2011, 10:12 am

    I’m a separated 46 year old woman and I’m having regular sex with a 20 year old. After my separation I felt unfulfilled in many ways, particularly sexually. I met this young guy a few months ago and we have been seeing each other frequently since. He is really hot and it turns me on so much to think that such a young man appreciates my body like he does. In short, his youthfulness makes me feel young and sexy again. The sex we are having is incredible and both of us want it to continue. There are however two issues I have with this. A). I also have a son the same age as my sex partner. He lives away in college and I don’t see him that much. I’m ashamed to admit that I’m so turned on by the fact that I’m having sex with a guy my sons age. Is it wrong to feel this way? If he ever found out it would kill me. B). Our relationship is purely based on sex. There is no real emotional connection. We are both merely satisfying our sexual desires. At the moment, this situation is agreeable for both of us, however I feel as if I am simply using him as an object for sexual gratification. Any advice girls??

    • linda September 23, 2011, 11:19 am

      You go for it girl! Give him the ride of his young life! A young man in his sexual prime is great for a middle-aged woman. If he’s fed up with you he’ll just leave and since you say there’s no emotional connection, then no-one gets hurt. Your son doesn’t need to know anything. You need not feel ashamed. Both your son and your sex partner are 20. Both of them are of legal age, and its natural to be attracted to young men your sons age and even younger (i.e. 18, 19). Besides its none of your son’s business who you have sex with. He really won’t want to know anyway. Its entirely a matter between you and your sex partner. Of course its natural that it turns you on that both of them are the same age, it’s damn hot girl! Just make sure he doesn’t find out! Be a mother to your son and a MILF to your sex partner. Feed one, f**k the other!

    • Drusilla October 3, 2011, 7:51 pm

      Cathy, I see nothing wrong with it. I just wish *my* young man was a couple of years older: I feel perverty with him being 18 and yes still in High School. Maybe I should wait till he graduates.

      • Cathy October 9, 2011, 9:33 am

        Another question: As i’ve had my knots tied a few years ago, we don’t use contraception. In fact we always have unprotected sex. Although we are both clean, I feel as if I have a responsibility to ensure that young men protect themselves in bed. I always tell my son to be careful and wear a condom. As my sex partner is the same age, I feel as though I have a duty to ensure he does too. My sex partner thinks condoms are a turn off and I’m usually far too horny to make him wear one when we’re about to do it. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite lecturing to my son about safe sex while abandoning my principles when in bed with my sex partner. Advice??

  • fleuronfire September 15, 2011, 7:26 am

    I am a49 yr old woman who has been seeing a guy of 24 for the last 7 weeks. I met him when I was out with friends and he pursued me. I had been celibate for a few years and in a bad relationship for many years before that. This young guy is gorgeous and the sex is incredible. So far the relationship has been confined to my bedroom though we have been out a couple of times for a quiet drink. We both look at the relationship as having no future as he wants to meet a girl his age and have kids within the next 10 yrs. I have a son 3 yrs older than him & 3 kids younger than him who don’t live at home. He has been overseas for the last 2 weeks and has rung me 3 times which I did not request or expect but was pleasantly surprised by. He will be back in 2 weeks and I can’t wait. He is quiet & serious but a great lover and we get on really well. I miss him & because he has rung me I do think that he is missing me, and although I realise that thre is no long term future for us, I am really enjoying the sex, the affection and the conversation. I am getting my confidence back about my sexuality and body and realise it’s about the journey not the destination. I really am enjoying the journey, it’s one hell of a ride. Age is just a number and if the attraction, the lust, the passion and/or love is there, my advice is go for it. You only live once so live life to the fullest and if it feels good do it (as long as they’re of legal age) I am surprised at how much more of a man this young man is, in all sorts of ways, than my ex who is in his mid 40s. He makes me feel fantastic, sexy and oh so horny LOL

  • Drusilla October 9, 2011, 2:49 pm

    @ Cathy: that’s a tough one. I don’t know honestly.

    • Alisa October 10, 2011, 3:39 pm

      I’m turning off the comments on this post for various reasons. Sorry folks.