If you want to feel loved, don’t have a baby
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The other day, I was talking to a friend. She mentioned that she’d stopped taking the birth control pill and was concerned because she hadn’t become pregnant. She’s not exactly in what I would call a stable, nurturing relationship, so I had to ask the question, “You want to get pregnant because?”
She answered, “Because I want something that loves me. I just want to feel loved.”
“Oh, a baby won’t do that,” I said. “If you want to feel loved, get a dog.”
Seriously.
If you have children, you know this. I am preaching to the choir, but I’ll preach anyway because it feels good to do so. I can think of a lot of things a baby can make you feel. They include:
Inadequate
Overwhelmed
Frustrated
Scared
Pissed off
Incompetent
Bored
Out of your mind
Love? No, love is definitely not on the list. You have a baby because you have spare love to give. You don’t have a baby because you need to get love in return. No, in return for the love you shower upon your child, you will get:
Whining
Crying
Hitting
Biting
All of your favorite things destroyed
A high-pitched voice that screams, “You are the meanest mommy in the world!”
Yes, of course, there are some sweet hugs and the occasional “I love you” tossed into the mix, but the reality is that parenting is a long hard slog. It ruins your back, destroys your furniture, and wipes out nearly all of your brain cells.
Only have a baby if you don’t mind:
- Having permanent marker all over your walls, not to mention the upholstery in your car.
- Crumbs between your couch cushions.
- A house that is never truly clean, even though you just spent 4 hours cleaning it.
- Strange stains on nearly all of your shirts.
- Not having a moment of privacy, even when you are taking care of important business in the bathroom.
- A sex life that revolves around quickies, if it happens at all.
- Not having a reliable memory.
- Sharing your cherished desserts with someone else.
- Not sleeping at night, or during the day, or really any time.
- The smell of urine after it has been soaking into a carpet for three days because you didn’t know it was there in the first place because you thought your child peed on the potty and not on the carpet.
- Ditto except now we’re talking about poop.
- Cleaning up pee, poop, and vomit. Parents do this a lot, a lot more than single people would ever imagine.
- Having another human’s snot on your shirt. Make that your hand. Make that your face.
- Never having money. Ever. Once you have a baby, you will be somewhere between flat broke and in debt for the rest of your life.
- Being sick, nearly constantly, because your child will bring home nearly every germ that has been ever invented and even some that have not.
- Hearing the words, “I hate you.”
- Watching movies that are rated G.
- Watching the same G rated movie 367 times.
- Playing Ring Around the Rosie, Hide n Seek, and Duck Duck Goose all weekend long.
- Picking lice out of someone else’s hair.
- Reading the same book 30 times in a row.
- Getting kicked in your sleep.
- Getting peed on in your sleep.
- Getting peed on while you are awake.
- Realizing that the little balls stuck to the wall are, in fact, boogers.
- Trying to sleep while another human being is lying on your head.
- Being asked questions like, “Why is their hair on your bottom?”
- Being asked such questions while you are standing in a grocery store line.
- Trying to explain that the hair in question is not really on your bottom, but rather… Oh never mind. See?
Parenting is the hardest, most thankless job any of us will ever attempt to do badly.
But it’s worth it, especially if you don’t expect to get a drop of love in return. That way, every kiss, hug and “I love you” feels extra special.
Why did you decide to have children? Leave a comment.
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Tags: motherhood, parenting
May 19th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
I’m sure I had a very good reason to have children, but after reading this, I can’t quite remember what that reason was…
May 19th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Thank You! Thank you for your honesty and your sharing! Everyone is asking me “so when are you having kids?” and I’m like “um, I just got married, one thing at a time!” I ADORE children, love them more than life itself–I have a lot of wonderful children in my life and can’t imagine a better way to spend my day than with them–HOWEVER…I also adore handing them back! I like my time, my space, my house clean when I leave it that way, my sex life, my sleep and my money (although I don’t have much of that!). I DO want children, eventually, but I’m not ready yet and I see no reason to apologize for that. I never understood why people are in SUCH a hurry to have kids–enjoy your life, enjoy your partner/spouse, and THEN have kids. But don’t do it to GET something back, because parenting IS thankless. I think it is totally worth it, again, I’m guessing here as I’m not a parent myself. But, I think a lot of people have children for selfish reasons–or because they want a BABY….heck, I want a Baby! I just am not ready for the toddler/child/teenager that comes afterwards! I think a lot of people forget that part! I LOVE babies, and someday, I think I’ll make a great mom. (I’ve been told this by my mother, grandmother and every close friend I’ve ever had!), but for now, I’m content being a childless wife! Right now, life is complicated enough, without a kid, I can’t imagine having one at the moment! God Bless all the mothers and fathers out there and especially those who are really good at it, loving, generous, supportive and selfless–I bow down to each and every single one of you! It’s YOU, who make this world go round! Thanks for your candid honesty about motherhood–it’s so rare since motherhood is so glamorized! Your take is quite refreshing…thanks for sharing! And by the way, pee/poop never bothered me–the vomit, yeah, not a fan! Have a great day!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
May 19th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
So very well said – and something I’ve wanted to share with countless people young people who have told me they have wanted a baby for similar reasons.
Mine may only be a two-year-old, but it has been a rough two years. Not that I would trade him or this time for the world, but I’ve had more challenges (and more rewards) than I could have ever planned to face.
A friend of mine just did a Facebook quiz regarding if your children made your marriage happier, and I said some of the following:
To some degree, yes. In other ways, no.
Having Little Dude has brought us closer together and added a lot of laughter and happiness, but it has also created more conflict just due to the increased responsibility and additional financial strain…
We watch him and can’t help but smile at each other and laugh, while at the same time, even though we have similar parenting philosophies, we tend to argue more about who needs to take care of what. We also get stressed more easily, which isn’t helped by the frequent lack-of-sleep parenting involves.
If we hadn’t had such a great foundation on which to build our family, having a child could have driven a wedge into our marriage. Since our marriage was healthy when we pursued having a child, it has helped us through the rough patches, and we’ve thrived as a family.
We are not perfect by any means, and I can’t tell you what the future holds, but I know both of us see our family – and each other – as a constant work in progress, and we strive to keep things healthy and strong.
So, as far as extra love? Not so much! More complications – and the only times having kids makes life better is, like you said, when you have extra love to spare, since they will take, take, take.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Wow, at first I thought you were writing about the guys I lived with in college…
May 19th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
HA! this is HILLARIOUS!!! I read this to dh and we were both cracking up all over the place….
On a serious note, i’ll say that the reason i have children, i have 5 and i’m currently pregnant with twins, is manifold, here’s a few reasons
because this is exactly what God created me to do. I had a crappy childhood, and i had the chance to provide for others what i DIDN’T have. MY children, do not have to deal with any of the crap i had to, and that is enormously satisfying.
Because it is one of the first commandments that God gave people, be fruitful and multiply. And i’d LOVE to raise up Godly Christian offspring and make a HUGE impact in the world by doing so. AND i might add, because this is an EXPONENTIAL impact, as I raise my children, they will likely raise theirs, in several generations, imagine that impact.
Because children are FUN! They remind me to not take life so seriously and just GO with it!!! AND i never ceased to be amazed at the seemingly infinite number of combinations of looks personality, etc each of my children have, how very individual they are! And thankfully they ended up with dh’s and my cute features, not funky ones
Because i’m making an ETERNAL investment. Everyone invests their life in SOMETHING, be it making lots of money, pleasure, whatever, this is how i’ve chosen to invest in.
That said, i completely get where you are coming from. Having a child in order to feel loved is a VERY bad idea.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Thank You Alisa!! Best birth control in the world *smile*
May 19th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
I had a child because I come from an interesting family and wanted to create a family. I wanted to experience watching a child grow and develop – and be an extremely important part of my child’s life. (Not to mention that whole biological imperative thing.)
There are also selfish reasons – but “selfish” isn’t always bad. My son is the only biological relative my husband knows and he is the only grandchild of my in-laws. I hope that my children (I hope to have one more.) give my husband and I and our parents company and new insights as we age. I also think that my husband and I have some pretty cool ideals and ways of doing things that I hope that our children perpetuate at least in part.
The article was very fun – but in all seriousness – I think that many people completely underestimate the emotional and physical toll that having children takes. I’ve found motherhood very challenging and I have a stable relationship, a solid income, and very strong extended family support. USING babies to “fix” aspects of your life that are lacking is a recipe for complete disaster.
May 20th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Oh man, hear, hear!!! I so heartily agree!!! I love my kids and I have three of ‘em ranging from beginning-to-be-angst-ridden almost 13 to you-are-sooooo-mean temper tantrum throwing 5. I can’t think of any other personal relationship I have where I feel so ill equipt, overwhelmed, and confused… sometimes. Or where I have given so much of myself without reward and been actually happy to do it. Have a kid if you want to learn how to give more love than you ever thought you’d have in you to give, if you want to learn the true meaning of giving unconditional love, and if you’re ready to sport some grey hair.
If you want to feel loved… get a puppy.
May 20th, 2009 at 8:43 am
So true–get a dog! It sounds harsh, but that’s like also saying I want to be in a relationship because I want someone to get me a glass of water during CSI: Miami so i won’t miss a minute of Eric Delko’s biceps being on the screen!
Oh, and when you check your analytics–look for Iowa. I finally got my best friend Cris to read your blog! Yay! What did it? Your list on sabotaging your marriage. I told her, girl, I picked out 15 out of the 33 that Alisa listed that you are doing. Sh cringed and logged on!
Yay! You are helping out the Mexicans too!
Love you sister!
Nando
May 20th, 2009 at 10:07 am
This post speaks the truth! I still ask myself every day why I decided to have a baby. I think that I have lost at least 50% of my brain cells from doing so. But, I think the reason for me was pretty selfish. I wanted to experience the newness of life again…to look forward to holidays and birthdays and celebrations again. To do all of the things that I did as a kid…go camping, go to the zoo, take family vacations. Wow! I really do sound selfish. All in all though, while for some selfish reasons, I really believed that I had a lot of love to give and that I would make a great mother and could give my child a great life. And, after getting married, it just seemed like the next logical step. If I didn’t want a child, I most likely would not have gotten married. Not that I don’t love my husband and wouldn’t want to spend my life with him without a child, but I just didn’t think it was necessary to be married (legally) if I wasn’t going to have kids. Does that sound bad?
May 22nd, 2009 at 9:45 pm
This post is very true…so many people have children for selfish reasons, expecting love in return. The truth is, children need to receive love and tons of other work.
I don’t feel children are worth the money, effort, sleepless nights, and work. I’m a young women diagnosed with PCOS (so it’s really hard to get pregnant) and I’m with a guy who doesn’t want kids either. I’d rather focus on my medical career and saving money, as well as enjoying life. If other women want to have children and thus strain their marriages, ruin their figures, lose money, deal with snotty kids, and bring yet ANOTHER human into this overpopulated world, they can be my guest.
I just don’t want my tax dollars to pay for it!
May 26th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
@Katherine
lol have fun being shallow, and alone in old age!
May 26th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
@Katherine
oh, if you are using Federal student loans for Med school I want my tax dollars back since you are not willing to share
June 5th, 2009 at 5:20 am
This is a great list! Brutally honest. And hilarious! Kudos! We live life successfully only if we look at it realistically.
@woodenturkey
Would your reason for having children be: to not be alone in your old age? You would bring your children into this world so you can feel loved till the day you die? Heh heh! Dream on!
July 14th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Katherine, don’t listen to woodenturkey. You will not be alone when you get older. Likely you and your husband will be able to enjoy your golden years without the stress of ungrateful children who took and took and took and then decided to toss you in a retirement home because actually taking care of you would put too much stress on their lives. And I for one gladly contribute my share of federal taxes to help put you through medical school, seeing as how the world actually needs doctors. Children, on the other hand, we have plenty of.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
I am reading this post way after the fact, so you most likely will not even see my comment but I had to write anyway. You are fabulous!!!!! This made me laugh out loud which is something I have not done in way to long. I am so thankful I came across your site and registered – can’t wait to get more of your wisdom in my inbox because as both wife and mother, I could use all the help I can get
July 15th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Laurie– welcome! Sometimes my software works correctly and I get an alert whenever someone leaves a comment, even on an older post. Glad you got something out of it and I look forward to hearing more from you in the future. Hang in there!
September 23rd, 2009 at 5:42 am
after reading this i got so freaked out… but the want for kids is still there >.<
November 21st, 2009 at 8:30 pm
I hope you mean “Why is THERE here on your bottom?” If not, I’d like to hear whose hair was on your bottom at the time… On second thought, I’d rather not.
November 21st, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Grammar: Think like a child and also like a woman. Children call the entire lower package (front and back) “the bottom.” It’s not a typo. You’ll figure it out eventually and then you’ll be like, “oooooh THAT HAIR.”
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..How to Gain the Upper Hand