This particular entry has very little to do with marriage. It may not even have a point. It’s just a story about an interesting incident from my life, one that I felt compelled to share.
If you are not into narcissistic belly button gazing, this is fair warning. Stop reading now.
First a little back story for those of you who are unfamiliar with my life: I am the family provider. My salary pays the bills and mortgage. Without my salary, we’d all be destitute.
This occasionally bothers me, prompting me to interrupt a conversation—perhaps one about whether or not sex is all a married man really needs to be happy—to say something like, “I don’t think it’s normal for a woman to be the bread winner. I think it goes against our genetic code. It’s too stressful.”
Everyone usually stares at me with a “You’re not going to go on this rant again are you?” expression. I ignore that and proceed to whine, “I just want someone to take care of me.”
Then I feel much better and the conversation goes back to whether or not men only need sex to be happy.
Which is exactly what happened the other night when I was talking with my friend Deb and a male bartender.
The next day I met a different friend for lunch about an hour south of where I live. After lunch, I was walking back to my car in the diner parking lot.
I noticed two men getting out of the car next to mine. One was all bent over. He was using a cane. The other was a little younger, but not by much. The younger one asked me for my take out container. I told him that he was welcome to it. Then he walked over to me.
He was one of those old men who is a hopeless flirt, in an endearing, funny way. The sad part is that he actually thinks he’s going to score.
Anyway, he put both of his hands over one of mine and said, “I really don’t want your lunch. You see, my friend and I are just going to lunch. That’s my friend right there. Him. Yes, he’s my friend. What I really want is to tell you something. This is not a come on. I’m not a dirty old man.”
Please note that whenever someone tells me that something is not true, I assume it is, indeed, true. For instance:
My dog doesn’t bite = My dog bites.
I’ve never cheated on my wife = I cheat all the time. Interested?
This isn’t a come on = Nothing would make me happier than for you to agree to have sex with me right here in my car, while My Friend with the Cane waits inside the restaurant or, even better, watches.
He went on, “You see, I’m really into … uh.”
I thought he was going to say “boobs,” so I planned my comeback as he searched his old man memory for the vocabulary word in question. As I did so, I noticed his cologne. It was overpowering. “Why do old men wear so much cologne anyway?” I wondered. “Now I’m going to smell like that!”
“Teeth. I notice teeth. And you have beautiful teeth. They just light up the place. I saw your smile and I just felt warm inside and had to come over and talk to you.”
I’ve been whitening my teeth. To date, my husband has not noticed. I decided to show the old man as many of my glorious teeth as I could.
“It’s Benny. I’m Benny.”
“Hi Benny. I’m Alisa. I’m flattered. You just made my day. I didn’t know I had nice teeth. Now I do.”
“You have great teeth.”
He continued, “Can you do me a favor? Can you take off your glasses?”
I did. At this point Mr. Man with Cane walked away, waving his arms in disgust, as if to say, “You are picking up yet another younger woman in the parking lot?! You are shameless! Just shameless!”
Benny stared at me. I began to feel self-conscious. Would he think I looked older without my sunglasses? Would he think my smile wasn’t quite as breath taking now that he could see my eyes?
He said, “You’re not wearing any makeup. That’s nice.”
I said, “Very observant.”
He said, “Are you Italian?”
“Or Jewish? Which is it?”
I laughed, mostly because I was thinking that I should ask him, “Are you a senior citizen? Or just a dirty old man? Which is it?”
I said, “Yes, I’m Jewish.”
He said, “Mazzeltov!”
I didn’t say it back because I’m only half Jewish, and a secular Jew at that. I don’t even know what Mazzeltov means. I had to Google it this morning just to figure out how to spell it.
He said, “My friend is Jewish. I’m Italian.”
Then he stared at me a lot longer, trying to figure out if Jewish was close enough to Italian for me to be considered girlfriend material.
Eventually he asked, “Are you one of us?”
Us? Us who?
“I mean, are you from around here?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “Oh, because I own a horse farm and, if you were from around here, I was going to invite you to my horse farm to go riding.”
Side Note #1: The last time I tried to ride a horse it was very painful and very ugly. I thought I was going to die. I will never ride a horse again. Horses do not like me.
Side Note #2: I picked up on the fact that he wanted me to know he was loaded.
He went on to say, “I used to own three pizza restaurants, but now I don’t do that anymore. Now I invent things.”
He told me about his latest invention, one that he patenting with The Jewish Man with the Cane, but I lost interest. It was some sort of medical device for broken arms.
I finally managed to extricate myself from Benny. I got in my car. As I drove away, I thanked the universe for sending me this gift. I said, “I wanted to be taken care of and you sent me a man who would have been happy to do just that. I’m sorry for returning this gift to you. I really am. I’m so thankful that you gave this to me, but I think I’d like to stick with the man I have, even if he’s not remotely loaded and even though he doesn’t own a horse farm. I really am happy with him, even if I complain about him every once in a while.”
I’m pretty sure the universe understood.
What’s the oddest pick up line you’ve ever heard? Leave a comment.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Funny- you’re so right Alisa that $$$ can’t buy happiness!
You see? You ARE taken care of.
Your husband shows it through his actions and by loving you.
Someone throwing money at you isn’t taking care of you, that’s a person trying to buy or bribe you.
Be happy that your husband is cool enough to not feel emasculated, ashamed, or angry because you pay the bills. And be proud of yourself for providing your family with what it needs.
Funny story. Must have been flattering and creepy feeling at the same time.
The oddest pickup line I was ever given was as a teenager at an under-22 club. A girl whistled at me and said “I like your pants. I wanna take them off and play with what’s inside. Now, as a teen male my first instinct was to think ‘yahoo’! But then I felt kinda creeped out and decided that was a bit loony to hear from a stranger. Besides, I’d just seen the movie Fatal Attraction and knew that only heartache and boiled rabbits could come from that beginning.
Keep your pearly whites grinning and enjoy those moments of flattery for what they’re worth.
Weird. I was getting hit on by a drunk 58 year old with a super smarmy grin named Bill this past weekend. Trying to tell me how rich he was and how I should go to Australia with him on some kind of scholarship he was providing or some strange thing. It was only a 3/4 moon, so I don’t know what was going on. Sad thing is, it’s the second time a really, really old guy has tried to buy me alcohol. It’s kinda ick, but at the same time you think “way to go, really old guy!” And then you think “if things don’t go right in my life, that’s and old drunk lonely me”.
I was in a bar once wearing an evening gown (just came from a black tie). The gown had a slit up the front with sequins on each side. A woman passing by said “I like your slit” and tried to put her hand in it. Weird.
He’s looking for someone to clean out the stables. The Jewish guy is his “boyfriend”
You might be less inclined to make generalizations about men if you didn’t indulge the ones that confirm them for you. Question number one? The answer was no. The touch was inappropriate. That was the time to leave.
I’ve been reading for a while. I’m getting the impression that you want to keep men in the categories you’re comfortable with: Lecherous, equating sex with happiness, inattentive, controllable etc. You could be happier or just less frustrated if you let go of those categories. They don’t represent the nature of men, only some of them. The more you reinforce those stereotypes to yourself, the more men like that the universe will send your way.
Although I’ve only read this one article above, I don’t understand what Chris was just saying (“don’t brush off all men as behaving like men should behave by approaching women in public?”. Was Chris trying to say “Some of us good men know our place in feminist society and would never be so gauche as to try to meet a sexy younger woman in a parking lot”?
Because if that is the current definition of what being “anti-male” is then I must be the most anti-male of them at all at http://www.twitter.com/veteransabroad
Most real men (barring the few who honestly and truly really want someone their own age) who happen to be single in senior years would certainly attempt to date women much younger and, yes, the braver of men will stop some gorgeous woman with an innocuous approach at least twice per week. There is nothing wrong with that and the most anti-male part of US culture is when it is implied that there is something wrong with that. Most cultures are built to allow for age difference in dating and marriage. It isn’t about buying although this Italian man whom you were not attracted to apparently felt he had to pull out the big guns in his short spiel (nothing wrong with that if it fits into the conversation without looking stupid). Obviously smart older men will spend more time at the gym, get a crew cut and wear cool clothes than talk about any money they have.
But, especially if a woman is working 2 jobs 6 days per week, a man is going to casually suggest that he can help financially if it means she will have more time to see him.
In any case, married women are not expected to cheat. I can imagine that, if Benny were great looking and younger it would not have made a difference in the end. Still the story somehow comes across as just bashing older men for having gotten some age and experience and still wanting a beautiful younger woman.
At least with an older man a woman is always the younger woman.
If, God forbid, the same-age hubby leaves you for a younger woman 10 years from now, the Universe and his chromosomes might have been telling him to do that.
I don’t wish that on any married woman but its generally not a good idea to push your luck and do something like Madonna, Christie Brinckley and Demi Moore did by rejecting even men the same age (Demi should know better because Bruce cheated with the 18 year old nanny).
But for most men, even dating the same age is out of the question.
Feminist equality does not apply to dating age difference.
Benny could easily have said to his friend after “She wasn’t that intellectual, but I liked her looks anyway”.
In fact, if you’re reading this Benny, I want to hear your side of the story on Twitter.
Hopefully Benny got the companionship he wanted within driving distance of his horse farm. Otherwise he should sell the farm and buy ocean front property in a place where women aren’t trained by feminists to feel sickened by the interest of rich interesting educated older males. He only has one life and he doesn’t need to bang his head against the wall of an anti-older-male US culture.
Nobody needs to get started pretending that foreign women who like older US men are somehow inferior to American women and supposedly selling themselves to the older men (this isn’t true as explained at OnlineDatingRights.com and other places). Other cultures think of older men as being more stable and interesting and loyal.
As said above, I would want Benny’s side of the story.
Women do not reject mainly because of the looks or age factor. In the USA they do so more than elsewhere but plenty of American women date men 20+ years older than they are.
All bets are off if the older man is out of shape, doesn’t have a short hair-cut or doesn’t dress sharply. A 50 year old man should be able to compete with a 20 year old man in the looks department, for instance with broad shoulders and muscle tone. Otherwise, all bets are off if he dares to try to date a 20 year old.
This applies in Moscow, Russia as in Moscow, Idaho (cost of living, salaries and standard of living is now higher in Moscow, Russia than in Moscow, Idaho).
I’ll assume Benny just wasn’t in that great shape. But then the ridicule you provide about his seeming to think he had a chance can also be applied to women who lose the muscle tone of competing 20 year olds by not going to the gym. With proper physical fitness, I have seen women and men look better at age 60 than the average 30 year old counterpart.
Jim–for what it’s worth, I make fun of nearly all men who hit on me. The regulars here pretty much know that. I guess I do because it’s obvious that I’m married. It’s not a secret. So it perplexes me that they waste their time on me. And what I write here is all in jest. I seriously think Benny himself would get a chuckle out of reading this. He was a charming flirt, but not someone I would ride horses with.
And I have to assume that men only hit on married women because they know we won’t want a commitment. That seems less than honorable all around and just begs me to make fun of the situation.
Benny was holding my left hand. He could see my wedding band. Anyway, when 30 or more years separate people in age, there is not a lot in common. What’s the point? JMHO.
I am 26 my sugar grandpa is 80! We dont have sex, bc hello he is EIGHTY. I just provide him with companionship to keep him “young and vibrant” he says. In return he provides me with LUXURY. He pays all my bills, bought me a car, boat, gives me cash, designer everything, computer, trips, rent ($1400/mo)…I live a true life of luxury and all I do is spend 4 hours a week with him on Thursdays. Dinner, shopping, a movie…whatever he wants to do which always ends in a shoping trip! Over the past 3 years he has gave me over $300,000 in combined cash and gifts. The best part is that he is married, goes home to his wife every night, and there are no strings attached.
On the flip side I have a boyfriend of 2 years and my sugar grandpa and boyfriend have NO CLUE about each other. I intend to keep it that way! For my boyfriend’s 30th birthday I took him to Palm Beach, Aruba. We flew first class and stayed at a 5 star resort for 5 days. All courtsey of my sugar grandpa! Life with a secret sugar grandpa is incredible!
I don’t have a pick-up line – but this: “Everyone usually stares at me with a “You’re not going to go on this rant again are you?” expression. I ignore that and proceed to whine, “I just want someone to take care of me” – is just too familiar and hysterical. I am also the bread winner of my family. And there’s no chance that my husband will take over at some point – because I don’t have one. I have a wife…and she plays the role of ‘wife’ and I’m the ‘husband’. I often run around my house searching for something that I lost. I can’t find it anywhere because I don’t even know what it is – but something is missing.
And then I remember – it’s the rich, Jewish doctor everyone always told me I’d marry. What the hell ever happened to him?
You have me rolling on the floor laughing. I think I was supposed to marry that man, too! Alas, I’m sure I’m happier with what I’ve got.
I had tried piratebay.com.. but i cannot understand what was the outcome of the trial?
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