I love you. Now change!
Have you ever dug in when your partner asked you to change some aspect of your behavior? Perhaps you found yourself saying something like:
“You knew I was a slob/pot smoker/big spender/exercise addict/nasty S.O.B./lazy good-for-nothing slacker when you met me!”
“Why can’t you just love me the way I am?!”
“Yeah, well, you’re not perfect either, you know!”
Yet, such resistance rarely leads to a happy relationship. In fact, it does quite the opposite: it contributes to a downward spiral of unhappiness that can, if allowed to persist, eventually lead to divorce.
Why We Resist Change
Simply put: change hurts, and it hurts because of selective hearing.
When our partners say something like, “I really wish you didn’t leave your clothes all over the floor,” most of us hear, “I don’t love you,” even though that’s not remotely close to what was actually said.
We hear this because most of us erroneously believe that a true soul mate will love every single aspect of our personalities, the good and the exceptionally annoying.
This just doesn’t make sense, though. To understand just how much it doesn’t make sense, think of how much you love your child (if you are a parent) or some other person in your life (if you are not a parent). You would probably take a bullet for your child, but that doesn’t mean you love it when your child:
- Whines
- Spills milk on your brand new couch
- Talks back to you
That you don’t love these aspects of your child’s personality does not mean that you love your child any less.
It’s the same with you and your spouse. Living in the same house and sharing the same bed for years and years means one thing: your spouse sees a part of you that the rest of the world just doesn’t see.
Your spouse sees the person who farts in her sleep, leaves his soiled underwear on the kitchen floor, and who takes care of business in the bathroom without closing the door, among many other not-so-flattering and rarely endearing behaviors.
A spouse who manages to love such things is a spouse who is deserving of sainthood.
Here’s another way to think about it. There are probably many aspects of your partner’s personality that you don’t particularly enjoy. For instance, I’m not fond of the fact that my husband seems to need my help getting himself out of bed on weekend mornings when he apparently has no trouble accomplishing this feat during the workweek.
It doesn’t mean I don’t love him, though. It just means that I am human.
Self Love vs. Self Improvement
We resist change for another reason, too. We’re afraid that giving in to our spouse’s requests means that we will lose our identities. This is a valid concern, especially for those of us who are chameleons at love and who tend to blend into our mates and forget the very essence of who we are. To maintain your identity when your spouse asks for change, it’s important to find a balance between self-love and self-improvement. You can do that by asking yourself these questions:
1. Do I need to stay this way for my personal happiness?
Let’s say your partner complains that you are too clingy. If you learn how to be more independent, will it make you unhappy? Probably not. In fact, it will probably do the opposite. The same goes for abrasiveness, negativity, and many other not-so-desirable personality traits. In making your partner happy, you’ll be making yourself happy, too.
On the other hand, let’s say your spouse wants you to give up a hobby you love, one that defines you. Will this make you less happy? Probably.
2. If I change, will it make my spouse’s life easier and happier?
This question will help you to sort out the importance and genuineness of your spouse’s request. Let’s face it. Sometimes we ask for things in marriage just to see if our partners will do them. For instance, occasionally I wake up grumpy and I take that grumpiness out on my husband by making a request that I honestly don’t care too much about.
Some people may also confuse control with love. Such people believe that a spouse who does whatever they ask must really love them. In reality, however, a spouse who loves you will push you to become a stronger, less controlling person because a stronger, less controlling person is a more mentally stable, happy person.
3. Is there a way to meet in the middle?
This is important if your spouse is asking you to stop doing something that makes you happy. For instance, when we became parents, I asked my husband to stop riding his bike so damn much. A normal bike ride for him is about 4 hours, sometimes longer. I was overwhelmed with parenting and, for my sanity and wellbeing, needed him home so I could have time off from parenting.
So we met in the middle. He didn’t stop riding his bike, but he cut his rides back to just two hours and fit some of them in during his workday, when our daughter was in preschool.
Do you resist change? Why or why not? Leave a comment.
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Tags: Happiness advice, Marriage Advice
May 11th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Great post. I once read, “Women marry their man and spend a lifetime trying to change him … men marry their woman and pray she’ll never change.” I don’t know how true that is but it *seems* like most women I know (myself included) are more apt to try to change their man than vice versa. I really like the three questions at the end … this makes it much easier to see if my requests are valid. Thanks!
May 12th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Alisa,
Although I am not married, and have only been in a long distance relationship for about a year when I read this post I didn’t think about it in terms of a relationship, I just thought about me. How I am scared of change, I HATE it, loath it from the bottom of my being… however, if we don’t change, or are not willing too take a chance, how can we ever grow? That is how I am trying to look at things in my own life, and thank you for bringing me back to this subject I seem to avoid so much in my life.
May 12th, 2009 at 8:30 am
My husband and I went through this and still are. Face it, people change. If they didn’t the relationship would get stale and boring.
A couple of years ago, I went through some changes. I had developed a lot of neck and jaw issues. After a lot of journaling and introspection I realized I had been keeping my mouth shut and not speaking up about what I wanted, what I thought, and when I was truly pissed off at my husband. I was literally clenching my jaw to keep quiet for the sake of ‘getting along’. I didn’t like making my husband mad. (Not that he has or ever would become abusive… he just isn’t pretty when he’s mad. His eyes bug out and it become almost comical…)
The whole idea concept of me being quiet for the sake of getting along is quite ironic. Just ask anyone who knows me. I am far from being milquetoast or a shrinking violet. I have a reputation for being a strong outspoken woman. but sometimes, you get tired of being strong all the time. You just want things easy and quiet.
I realized my silence and acquiesence was making me mad and resentful. So I changed. I spoke up. I stood up for me. I made my opinion known. I called it like I saw it. If my husband was being an ass, I called him such. If he asked why I was doing something, I gave him the truth… “Because I want to and it makes me happy.” (sometimes this applied to being lazy and laying up in the bed w/ my laptop)
And you know what? Nothing bad happened. Occasionally my husband will ask me why I’m being so ‘mean’. I simply tell him that I’m not being mean, I’m just speaking/standing up for myself because if I don’t I will get run over and end up pissed off and resentful. My new assertiveness is sometimes amusing to my husband. I call him a name, he calls me one back, and we both grin. It also leads to interesting intellectual discussions.
It’s a win win situation.
May 18th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Great site! I am loving it!! Will come back again – taking your feeds also, Thanks.
May 29th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Very interesting read, I think their would be a lot of mixed opinions on this. Love the theme that you are using, what is it?
May 29th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Men. Learn these two most important words. You will need them… “Yes Dear”
September 11th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
If you want to influence someone to change, you shouldn’t be lecturing them and criticizing–but instead you should first try to understand before trying to be understood. You should first be influenced before trying to be influenced–have empathy and understanding. If the behavior is unacceptable, then reject the behavior, but make it known that you still accept the person. Real relationships require self control on both parts.
At the same time it is very easy to “overload” someone with excessively many expectations that satisfying the person–no matter how much you want to is in fact impossible. For example, consider a wife that becomes frantic over every tiny detail in the home. If the pillow on the couch is a tiny bit crooked, then she freaks out, or if the garbage can isn’t so clean to practically eat out of, then its the end of the world. Don’t expect your companion to be “just” like you. A man does not have the same biology as a woman and hence neither her brain biology.
September 11th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Also, why the need to change so many attributes of your spouse? We should really be celebrating differences because together our skills are far more powerful than they are separate. For example, I might be better at troubleshooting broken devices and fixing thing, whereas your talent is in spotting dirt at random places around the house. But PLEASE don’t expect me to have your talent. You do what you are good at, and let me help you with what I am good at.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:12 am
I totally agree to “Stochastic Markov”…
If a love one ones a person to change… never lecture that person. Why marry a man which you wanted him to be somebody else? I have that issues with our marriage. I did manage to change a lot.. which I am no longer who I was before.
To fulfill her happiness.. I gave up my hobbies, I refrain from seeing my parents (which they both passed away already), can’t go out with friends and etc…
Some person are too much in control and forgetting the basic chemistry… just love the person who he/she is…
January 1st, 2010 at 11:39 am
To change someone of what makes them unique is truly not an answer. I certainly agree with easing up on the “small stuff” since we are not the perfect beings for our spouses either.
But this topic isn’t so simple as this has made it all seem.
Having been with an alcoholic and gone to alnon, you learn to “ignore” and not to “nag”. Easier said than done when you are the one to go to bed with this person and face the consequences or your children face them.
Many families currently are mixed families now, which allow for a slew of problems, most of which are emotional. Teens are not naive and can easily play a parent that has guilt issues. Being a stepparent I’ve had to live with not only the bioparent undermining me at every turn to maintain “love”, remove their own guilt, and be the most loved one of all, while the teen saw this as a perfect opportunity for four years to get what they wanted while tormenting my lack of authority.
And no, the person who are in these positions are selfishly maintaining them because they are positions of power and serving themselves just fine. They are not seeing the future but living in the moment without much empathy to others.
Change that!
And were there signs of the aforementioned. Yes, but if you are aware of how falling in love with someone works, you are aware of the study which shows us to be infatuated and blind to problems for almost two years. Scary. I saw a loving, doting parent to two small children – not a parent who was afraid to discipline. And if you’ve ever dated, you are aware that people drink, go socializing etc. which often entails alcohol, but once a family is established we usually consider being role models and not maintaining our party life demeanor.
I think this topic is not so easily solved as we all might like to write. These are issues that you seriously need to change, not whether he changes out the toilet paper roll, but ones that honestly can affect an entire family.