Q: I want more from my sex life. After many years of being together, things have gotten stale and routine in the bedroom. Whenever I bring it up, though, my husband gets all embarrassed and hurt. How do I talk about sex without making him uncomfortable? –Frisky and Frustrated
Dear Frisky and Frustrated:
We went through a period like this a few years ago. Our sex routine included the same moves in the same order every single time. It got so predictable that I completely lost interest. Eventually we stopped having sex altogether.
When we resurrected our sex life some time later, I peppered my husband with lots of questions about what he liked and didn’t like in the bedroom. His answer was always, “I don’t know. I like everything.”
I would press him and question him and that’s all I ever got out of him. Eventually, I realized:
1. He truly didn’t know what he liked and didn’t like because he pretty much likes everything. Missionary? Girl on top? From behind? It truly didn’t matter much to him. He’s just happy to get to do it at all.
2. He was uncomfortable talking about sex, but not at all uncomfortable have me talk about sex. I could tell him what I wanted in the bedroom, and he would respond.
3. When I became a mother, he developed a “Madonna Whore Complex.” Basically, it was somewhat difficult for him to see the mother of his child as a sexual being. Then the mother of his child got a bikini wax, started wearing sexy underwear and purchased girl-on-girl porn. He got over his complex.
Although he was happy with any type of sex, I wasn’t. It’s not like I had a favorite position or type of foreplay, but I needed variety. I needed spice. I needed a certain amount of unpredictability. So I assumed the role of cruise ship director of our sex life. I started scheduling appointments. One day he’d arrive home for such an appointment and I would greet him at the door wearing only heels and fish net stockings. Another time I might stick in a porn DVD. Yet another time I might lead him to the shower.
And the more I experimented, the more he opened up about sex. Soon he was the one suggesting a “porn night” or a new position.
Here’s some advice to get your guy to open up:
Make sex a criticism free act. Never verbally critique him during sex. It’s a turn off. Talk about sex when you are not having sex. Ask for change outside of the bedroom, and do it while he’s somewhat occupied with something else so it doesn’t seem like a huge big deal. For instance, while you are making dinner or driving in the car, you might say, “Do you remember years ago when we used to have sex in semi public places? I really miss those times. Would you be up for something like that again?” Other ways to communicate your needs:
- Write him a sex instruction manual that lists all of the new things you’d like to try in the bedroom
- Plan an entire experience and direct it from the beginning, keeping your instructions short and to the point: Sit down. Kiss me. Grab my ass.
Give him lots of positive feedback during sex. Moan and groan. Say things like, “Wow that feels good” and “I really like that.”
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Talk about what you’d like more of. Focus on the positive. Don’t say, “Our sex is boring.” That hurts and will encourage him to shut down. Instead say, “I’d really like you to…” or “If you did X, I think that would be really hot.”
Place his hands where you want them. For instance, I love having my breasts fondled during sex, but my husband often gets transfixed with my back side, something that does nothing for me (but a lot for him). Sometimes I just take his hands and put them on my boobs. You can also show him what you want by touching yourself, which allows him to copy your movements.
Read up. Buy books about sexual techniques. Browse men’s magazines (Men’s Health, Maxim, Details) or sex magazines (Playboy or Penthouse) together, talking about what you think is silly and what you think is a turn on. Give him the book How to Give Her Ultimate Pleasure, by Lou Paget.
Talk about your sexual fantasies. If he doesn’t want to talk about his, fine. Just tell him about yours.
Use props. Go to a sex shop together and look into toys, blindfolds, ticklers and paddles. Recently my husband and I tried a product called The Scandle Candle. The candle burns just two degrees above body temperature, with the wax melting into oil that is perfectly safe to pour onto your partner’s skin. I used it to give my husband a back massage. He used it to give me a boob massage. I highly recommend it.
Try new things. Every single sex act doesn’t have to be a complicated acrobatic act, but toss something new in every once in a while. Try a new position. Wear an unusual outfit (just a kitchen apron perhaps or his work tie with heels). Chances are if you initiate the spice, he’s going to roll with it.
Talk about edgier things you’d like to try. Would you like to go to a towel club? Or perhaps a stripper bar? Mention it. He might turn you down, but he might not.
Do you have advice for Frisky but Frustrated? How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? Leave a comment.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Brillant & refreshing to finally read advice that can change everything in a relationship. I love the “cruise director” analogy. More importantly how you convey the importance of taking responsibility of your sex life.
Nice article.
Most men have no clue about the G-spot and the role the G-spot plays for a woman to climax during intercourse. A lot of men get the attitude of the old joke:
“How do you make a woman orgasm?” —– “Who cares!”
But teach a man about the the wonderful world of G-spots then you have a man holding a match to your pyrotechnics.
Bonnie
Brilliantly written & inspirational- so freeing to have someone openly talk about sex- it’s ok to do this stuff! It’s not perverted!
I’m planning a trip to the sex shop this week with my partner- something I’d feel nervous about doing on my own, but something that shouldn’t feel like that – come on it IS the 21st century!
Thank you
Am I mistaken or is every other man’s wife want sex but mine?
When have sex, it’s great for my wife. Big O for her 99% of the time. But she’s a bit selfish in bed and I usually end up feeling unsatisfied. When it only happens once a month, this can be a big let down. BTW: We’re young (30).
Spare Change: You’re probably part of the majority. I’ll be writing about mismatched sex drives Monday (one person has a higher one than the other). There are things you can do about it, assuming you both see is as a problem that deserves to have a solution. Sometimes the lower drive person doesn’t see it as a problem, and that IS the true issue.
Just a pointer, don’t get too explicit with your demands if you’re going to write down what you want him to do. Remember that he probably wants a little freedom, and telling him EXACTLY what he has to do could potentially be a turn-off for him. Also, refrain from giving him positive feedback for stuff you don’t actually enjoy: not only will he feel very hurt and incompetent if he finds out, but he will do it more often!
Enjoyed reading your advice! I’m curious about your views on porn though. The porn industry has grown quite a bit and at times almost seems mainstream now. I am a mother of a daughter and I’m working hard to raise a strong, independent young woman. I know that some porn can be a turn-on – some of it is also disgusting.
I ask myself as well as you how can you justify being a consumer of porn as a woman and as a mother? Perhaps American society no longer sees it as exploitative of women? Perhaps as women become more empowered in their own sex lives they feel it’s ok to use porn as a tool in the bedroom. But it can’t be denied that porn is an industry that exploits very young women and then throws them away. Do you know any man or woman who would marry a porn star and raise a family with him/her? Probably not – we don’t respect these folks but we’ll happily watch them degrade themselves – do you see what I mean?
I know these are heavy thoughts and all you want to do is have a little fun in the bedroom (I’m all for that) but I just had to share this moral dilemma with you.
Thanks for listening.
Hi Donna: You ask good questions. It’s hard to answer them all here in the comments, so I might make myself a note to write an entire blog about it in the future. My short answer: there are different kinds of porn. Not all of it degrades/exploits women. In the type of porn I watch, the women are pretty darn empowered. I also don’t think watching it means a woman is not independent. Most of my female friends watch porn, and they are all powerful career women. The porn obviously hasn’t had an effect on their self confidence.
Being a mother doesn’t change regardless of what kind of sex life you have. In the end, you still need to eventually have that birds and bees talk with your kids. The more open you are about sex, the more sexually confident they will be, too.
As for the career choice of being a porn star: I do think some of these women marry and have normal lives. But I’m no expert on it. I think the solution is choices: when a woman can be anything she wants, what will she choose to become? It’s not about eliminating one career choice. It’s about ensuring that other choices are available and attainable.
Hi Alisa: Thanks for your thoughts on this topic. I wanted to clarify where the “moral dilemma” comes in to play. As a mother of a daughter I strive to raise a young woman who is strong, independent, intelligent AND who respects her body and herself – a woman who would NOT choose to exploit herself in the porn industry. The porn industry represents everything we as mothers do NOT want our daughters to become.
Now why do some very young women choose to enter this trade? Many of these young (barely legal) women have been sexually molested as children, are alcoholics and/or drug addicts. These women have been stripped of their dignity. They feel disenfranchised and believe that the only way they can prove their worth is through using their body.
Also I think it’s important to remember that the porn industry was created by men and continues to be run by men. There are a few exceptions of course where some female porn stars are trying to take control and produce their own movies. However, most of the porn industry is dominated by men.
I realize that porn and access to it has grown tremendously in the last 20 years. I acknowledge that there are different types of porn. But does that matter? Fundamentally it’s all still porn. I know that some porn can be a turn-on. If we choose to use it in our sex lives I think it’s important to acknowledge the conflict – even the hypocrisy.
Perhaps now it seems commonplace. Perhaps we rationalize it by saying that those young women have “freely” chosen that career. But I think it’s important to remember that we continue to live in a male-dominated society. Although it’s easy to think we as women are treated equally in 2009 that’s not always the case.
You might think that I’m some extreme feminist – but I’m not – I’m a wife, mother and teacher who lives in the suburbs. I bet we could be good friends. I am not judging anyone and their decisions. I only want to remind people of the underlying truth of pornography.
Ok, that’s it I’m getting off my soapbox. Thanks for the opportunity to have a respectful discussion about this topic.
I liked your advice. I just discovered your blog and have been catching up on your posts. Your later blog on mismatched sex drives describes our situation. We’ve been married a long time and up until this (now, last) year, we would go years between sex sessions. In the past, my wife has said that sex is just not important to her, so we may, in fact, be screwed. My wife says that she enjoys sex, she does orgasm, but is VERY passive in bed – foreplay consists of my caressing, kissing, nibbling, licking her – nothing on her part. Sex itself consists solely of intercourse, generally vaginal and occasionally anal, which she enjoys. Our most radical change has been from missionary to cowgirl. My wife fits the person you describe in another post who cannot talk about sex. When I ask, I’m told everything is fine, nothing needs to be changed and she becomes defensive when I suggest we could try something new. I’ve tried to explore her fantasies, but she swears that she has never fantasized about sex. I have been specific about things I would like to try and been flatly rejected. Any advice would be appreciated.
From my male perspective, I always assumed that most woman tolerated porn for the sake of their partners. I think it would be interesting to hear a female perspective on porn and maybe even a list of porn that women would find stimulating, but not objectionable.