He wants to do it all the time. I want it never. Are we screwed?!

Sorry everyone. I just couldn’t resist the pun. Groan if you must.

Anyway, the issue of mismatched sex drives—with one partner wanting sex a lot more than the other—is very common. Generally, the man wants it more than the woman, but sometimes things are reversed and the woman wants it more than the man.

The issue usually starts early in the relationship, with the partner with the lower drive doing her best to keep up.

The more he initiates, the more guilty and inadequate she feels. Soon she feels tense and stressed out whenever he looks at her a certain way. Whenever he compliments her, she just thinks, “Oh God you want to do that again, already?!”

The more the tension builds, the harder it is for her to get in the mood. Eventually she starts doing things to avoid sex. For instance, she might take a 2-hour-long shower before bed in hopes that he’ll fall asleep before she towels off.

Then things start to go wrong in the relationship. Maybe he stops cleaning the house. It could be any number of things. The end result is that she no longer sees the point of trying to keep up. She says, “Damn it, I only get horny (once a week, once a month, once a year, never in a million years) and that’s as often as I’m willing to have sex with the sorry likes of you!”

Now he’s hurt because she never responds to his advances. His self-esteem takes a beating. He starts to wonder if his package is too small or whether his gut is too big.

His pain eventually turns into anger and he finds himself saying hurtful things at parties like, “A vagina? What’s that? I’m married remember? I haven’t seen one of those in years!”

Then she gets even more irritated and decides to withhold sex for the rest of their married days. She gives in every once in a while, though, because horniness and the desire to procreate can still do that to the strongest of childless women.

Then a baby comes along and sex goes the way of the Tasmanian Tiger.

How to Break the Dry Cycle

To turn things around, you only need one thing and it’s this: you both need to agree that a sex life is important. Really that’s it. Once you both agree on that, the rest is as easy as 1-2-3-4-5.

Step 1: Agree on a sexual frequency that you can both live with. It should be somewhat less often than the higher drive person wants and somewhat more often than what the lower drive person wants.

Step 2: Decide whether you want to schedule sex (my preference) or keep things more spontaneous.

*** If you schedule sex, put it on the calendar and prioritize it. Nothing gets in the way of your appointment. You can take a rain check for illness or emergencies, but your rain check needs to fall within the next couple of days.

*** If you want to be spontaneous, then the partner with the lower drive needs to initiate according to your predetermined schedule.

Step 3: The higher sexed partner needs to do everything he can to be patient and supportive.  He cannot initiate ever—no matter how horny he may be. He absolutely has to take care of business every once in a while when she’s not around. And she needs to be okay with that. Please note that I define “taking care of business” as whacking off to porn or a girly mag. I don’t define it as finding another woman to screw. You open marriage people are free to put your arguments in the comments area, though. Although I don’t agree with you, I do find your comments fascinating.

Anyway he can and should express his love and adoration. He should tell her that she’s hot. He should hug her and snuggle. He should grab her ass every once in while. These are things that will all make her feel adored and sexy, both of which are ingredients for getting in the mood. He should not, however, indicate his interest in having sex by rubbing his boner on her thigh or pressing it into her back side. This will make her tense up, and then the dry cycle continues.

Step 4: The lower sexed partner needs to do everything in her power to get in the mood more often. This could be as simple as relaxing more often and asking for more support around the house. It might be as complicated as a visit to the gynecologist to see if the plumbing is working correctly. And if a bad marriage is getting in the way of a good sex drive, that needs to be addressed, too.

Step 5: Expand your definition of sex. It’s possible that the lower sexed person may still feel inadequate and overwhelmed. In this case, she should look into ways of giving him a nice sexual experience without feeling the need to orgasm herself. She might give him oral or manually stimulate him. Whatever. Get creative.

Now, if you are a woman who has a higher drive, this 5-step plan will still work. Do everything I just said. Of course, you might whack off with a vibrator (this is one case where women truly have it better than men). You also have more options in step 5. He can use a toy on you or just hold you while you get yourself off.

How have you solved the problem of mismatched sex drives? Leave a comment.

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