Dear Prank Emailer,

I understand that you have way too much time on your hands. I also get that you are obsessed with sex, probably because it has been a very, very long time since you last got laid.

You probably think your emails are a complete riot, too. You just laugh yourself silly at the idea of me taking them seriously and spending my precious time emailing you a heartfelt, candid reply.

And you did trick me the first couple of times. I emailed you back when you were pretending to be a young girl who wanted to get it on with her boyfriend while her mother slept in a room nearby. I emailed you again when you pretended to be a cougar interested in having a sexual relationship with her deceased son’s best friend.

Yes, you really had me fooled for a while. I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted.

With each email exchange you got bolder. The cockier you got, the more I started to suspect that you were not, indeed, the person you were pretending to be. I started to suspect, in fact, that you were a 15-year-old pimple covered nerd with no friends.

Take this recent email that you sent just last week:

“My situation involves my old high school sweetheart. In jr. high school I met her and thought she was cute. We became friends and had a lot fun. In high school we dated. I went to the high school prom with her and we had a fun time. We wanted to take our relationship further, become more intimate, and communicate at a deeper level. We believed that sex would have been a way of doing that. We were encouraged to wait for sex due to the typical reasons that are given to teens. We did wait thinking that it was the best thing for us. However, we went to different colleges and never did get a chance to express our love for each other in a sexual way. I have had other lovers but none for a while. To this day I cannot get her out of my mind. I still think of her has as a whole person, being attractive, and wonder what she looks like in the nude. I now wish that we had sex in high school and not waited. I would have liked her as my first. I am certainly curious about what she is like in bed. Our 10 year high school reunion is coming. I hear from a mutual friend that she is coming and not currently in a relationship. Any information about asking if she is interested in continuing our relationship? Any information about letting her know that I am interested in her, wanting to be physical, establishing a bond, and increasing intimacy with her in a sexual way?

Any chance I could have sex with her on the night of the reunion? How could I set it up? Anything I should consider when thinking about her, considering deepening our relationship, or considering sexual relations with her?”

Only two days later, you sent me this email:

“My boyfriend and I have been going steady for a while now and we are very much in love. We love just spending time together. We enjoy doing many things together. We are both virgins and have talked about having sex. He says that there would be nothing better for him than to see me naked, kiss me in places that are usually covered with clothes, and have sex with me as part of love making. I have mentioned to him that I am not ready for sex. He is very good and puts no pressure on me. He says that he does not want me to do anything I don’t want to. He says that when the time is right and I’m ready it will come. He says he will be in no hurry and just wait patently. I would like to at least make some of his wishes come true. I would like to give him a chance to see me in the nude. I would also like to see him in the nude. What are some activities/ways of making love that we can do that don’t involve intercourse? Thanks for your time.”

You know, most people use the word “naked.” Few people use the word “nude.” That’s what gave you away. You also have a unique but flawed understanding of grammar. It’s so unusual that it stands out, as a signature. I cleaned up some of your writing here, by the way, so my readers could actually understand it.

On the very same day, you also sent this one:

“I have a great relationship with my gf and we have been going together for about a year and a half. She is 19 like me but she is still a virgin. I have done it one other time. Making love to her would be an important step in our relationship. I would enjoy being her first. It would be a special time for us. How can I let her know this? How can I make the first time special for her? Should I ask her mom for permission to have sex with her? I am interested in her take on her daughter and I having sex.

At the same time from dating my gf I have gotten to know her mom. She is a very nice and beautiful woman. I have enjoyed spending time with her too. She has a mature charm. I have even had some xrated dreams staring her. I would really like to experience sex with her. I am interested in what sex is like with her. I would like the experience of having sex with a mature woman as well. I have heard that sex with a mature woman is great. Is that true?

I am interested to learn what my gf’s mom likes sexually. How can I find out? How can I let her know of my desire to have sex with her? How should I approach the issue? Any insight as to who I should try to have sex with first? Is it possible that I could have sex with my gf and her mom? Any information to having sex with both of these women?”

Don’t you think your emails are starting to sound a wee bit repetitive? You’re losing your creative spark, don’t you think? That’s why I didn’t respond, which must have bugged you a little. So then you sent this one:

“I have a friend who is a cheerleader how is also a surfer girl. We enjoy surfing together. It is a great sport and a lot of fun. She is good at riding the waves. As the surfing season start to get better I want to do more than surf with her. She has some nice curves. I want to ride her waves and hang ten with her on her bed. I would like her to ride me like she does the waves. I am attracted to her surfer girl charm. In my opinion surfer girls are open sexually. Is that true?

How can I let her know that I am interested in her in a sexual way? How can I start a conversation about this with her? Any information regarding starting a conversation about sex with her? How can I learn about what she likes and does not sexually?

I would like to talk about sex with her but I do not want to sound crude. Any information about talking about sex with her and learning what she likes without turning her off? Could I turn her on by talking about sex?

How can I tell her or hint at the fact that I would like to have sex with her? Is it good to just come out and say it? Sex with her would be very special for me.”

Well, Mr. Prank Emailer, I have some questions for you.

Do you think about anything other than sex? Have you ever actually gotten laid before? Did you choose the free email provider “excite” as an intentional pun? Or did that never occur to you? Have you tried hotmail? I think you would like it.

Do you only email these things to me? Am I someone special to you? Do you have X-rated dreams about me? Do you think I have a special charm? Or am I just one of many bloggers you try to trick?

Did it ever occur to you that I started this site so I could help people who actually want to be helped? Do you realize that your fake emails give me less time to answer the emails from people who actually want my help? Worse, now that I know that you are trying to trick me, I’m really not sure which emails are valid and which ones are fakes, so I probably occasionally delete real emails from people who really need help. Did that occur to you?

I kind of doubt it. I also doubt that you care, but I just had to ask.

Sincerely,

Alisa

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