I love you. Now change!
Monday, May 11th, 2009Have you ever dug in when your partner asked you to change some aspect of your behavior? Perhaps you found yourself saying something like:
“You knew I was a slob/pot smoker/big spender/exercise addict/nasty S.O.B./lazy good-for-nothing slacker when you met me!”
“Why can’t you just love me the way I am?!”
“Yeah, well, you’re not perfect either, you know!”
Yet, such resistance rarely leads to a happy relationship. In fact, it does quite the opposite: it contributes to a downward spiral of unhappiness that can, if allowed to persist, eventually lead to divorce.
Why We Resist Change
Simply put: change hurts, and it hurts because of selective hearing.
When our partners say something like, “I really wish you didn’t leave your clothes all over the floor,” most of us hear, “I don’t love you,” even though that’s not remotely close to what was actually said.
We hear this because most of us erroneously believe that a true soul mate will love every single aspect of our personalities, the good and the exceptionally annoying.
This just doesn’t make sense, though. To understand just how much it doesn’t make sense, think of how much you love your child (if you are a parent) or some other person in your life (if you are not a parent). You would probably take a bullet for your child, but that doesn’t mean you love it when your child:
- Whines
- Spills milk on your brand new couch
- Talks back to you
That you don’t love these aspects of your child’s personality does not mean that you love your child any less.
It’s the same with you and your spouse. Living in the same house and sharing the same bed for years and years means one thing: your spouse sees a part of you that the rest of the world just doesn’t see.
Your spouse sees the person who farts in her sleep, leaves his soiled underwear on the kitchen floor, and who takes care of business in the bathroom without closing the door, among many other not-so-flattering and rarely endearing behaviors.
A spouse who manages to love such things is a spouse who is deserving of sainthood.
Here’s another way to think about it. There are probably many aspects of your partner’s personality that you don’t particularly enjoy. For instance, I’m not fond of the fact that my husband seems to need my help getting himself out of bed on weekend mornings when he apparently has no trouble accomplishing this feat during the workweek.
It doesn’t mean I don’t love him, though. It just means that I am human.
Self Love vs. Self Improvement
We resist change for another reason, too. We’re afraid that giving in to our spouse’s requests means that we will lose our identities. This is a valid concern, especially for those of us who are chameleons at love and who tend to blend into our mates and forget the very essence of who we are. To maintain your identity when your spouse asks for change, it’s important to find a balance between self-love and self-improvement. You can do that by asking yourself these questions:
1. Do I need to stay this way for my personal happiness?
Let’s say your partner complains that you are too clingy. If you learn how to be more independent, will it make you unhappy? Probably not. In fact, it will probably do the opposite. The same goes for abrasiveness, negativity, and many other not-so-desirable personality traits. In making your partner happy, you’ll be making yourself happy, too.
On the other hand, let’s say your spouse wants you to give up a hobby you love, one that defines you. Will this make you less happy? Probably.
2. If I change, will it make my spouse’s life easier and happier?
This question will help you to sort out the importance and genuineness of your spouse’s request. Let’s face it. Sometimes we ask for things in marriage just to see if our partners will do them. For instance, occasionally I wake up grumpy and I take that grumpiness out on my husband by making a request that I honestly don’t care too much about.
Some people may also confuse control with love. Such people believe that a spouse who does whatever they ask must really love them. In reality, however, a spouse who loves you will push you to become a stronger, less controlling person because a stronger, less controlling person is a more mentally stable, happy person.
3. Is there a way to meet in the middle?
This is important if your spouse is asking you to stop doing something that makes you happy. For instance, when we became parents, I asked my husband to stop riding his bike so damn much. A normal bike ride for him is about 4 hours, sometimes longer. I was overwhelmed with parenting and, for my sanity and wellbeing, needed him home so I could have time off from parenting.
So we met in the middle. He didn’t stop riding his bike, but he cut his rides back to just two hours and fit some of them in during his workday, when our daughter was in preschool.
Do you resist change? Why or why not? Leave a comment.
