Sex Advice: what’s really normal anyway?
Part 3 of a four part Sex Advice Series. Go to Sex Advice Part 1 to read from the beginning.
If this turns you on, you are normal.
How Long Great Sex Really Lasts, a blog I wrote a while ago, became wildly popular late last week, generating thousands of page views and lots of comments from single men who I can only assume are still in their 20s.
In the blog, I’d explained that I was a sexual sprinter. The blog was an attempt at humor. I was making fun of myself and my post-parenthood sex life, especially because, no matter how much I try to hold out and make things last in the bedroom, my husband seems to quite consistently push me over the edge within roughly 10 to 12 minutes.
Basically I have the female version of premature ejaculation.
Apparently my attempts at humor and self-deprecation fell short. Apparently, these men didn’t get any of my jokes. That hurt a little, especially because I’m a professional writer. I do try my hardest to make people laugh. I guess I’ll just have to try harder, you know?
Anyway, here’s a sampling of some of their comments:
“What a way to diminish your humanity and possibly lose your significant other.”
“I would change my life to make time for what really matters.”
“Hehe, she pretends to be happy with their 10 minute “quickies” but there’s a deep undertone of her longing for a man like me who can give it to her all night long.”
Someone accused me of sublimating my deep insecurities about my sexual performance and fears of intimacy by objectifying my husband and blogging about it. He said I was close-minded and that I didn’t want negative comments on my blog. He said I had issues with intimacy and my priorities were all wrong. He even even accused me of not loving my husband.
I came away thinking, “Who knew sex was this controversial?”
Which is why, today, I’d like to set things straight.
Your Sex Life is Normal If…
You like to do it for hours and hours at a time.
You like it over and done as fast as possible.
You like to use whips and paddles.
You just like to get naked—no special outfits or props required.
You like when your spouse barks like a dog.
You like when your spouse is completely quiet.
You can have multiple orgasms. (If this describes you, would you please consider guest posting here with a step-by-step instruction manual, though, because this is something that I’d like to experience).
You can only have one orgasm at a time.
You like to do it every day.
You like to do it once a week or less often.
You like it from behind.
You like it from in front.
You only like one position.
You like to try 100 or more positions every single session.
You like porn.
You don’t like pron.
You like to do it outside.
You like to make sure all of the shades in the house are closed.
You like to shower first.
You prefer things to be a tad scenty.
You like to work up a robust odor before getting down to business. The stinkier, the better.
You like to think about naked women when you are doing it.
You like to think about naked men when you are doing it.
You like to think about naked animals when you are doing it.
You like to think about naked unicorns while you are doing it.
You don’t like to think about anything when you are doing it. You are Zen and in the moment.
You like to use things that require batteries.
You don’t like to use things that require batteries.
You like it in the kitchen, in the living room, in the basement…
You only like it in the bedroom.
You don’t mind having the dog or cat on the bed.
You can’t stand having the dog or cat on the bed.
You like to do it on airplanes.
You don’t like to do it on airplanes.
You wish you wanted to do it on airplanes, but you just don’t.
You like a freshly groomed bikini area.
You like it au natural. You don’t shave your armpits, either.
You wear lingerie.
You don’t wear anything.
You wear granny panties.
You wear a Tarzan outfit.
You wear your wife’s wedding grown.
You wear your husband’s underwear.
You like it in the morning.
You like it at noon.
You like it at night.
You like it morning, noon and night.
You like oral.
You can’t stand oral.
You can orgasm without clitoral stimulation.
You can only orgasm with clitoral stimulation.
You like to say, “Daddy give it to me,” at the top of your lungs.
You like to moan and groan.
You don’t like to say anything.
You like fast thrusting.
You like slow and gentle thrusting.
You like it so slow that you’re almost at a stop.
You like to be in charge.
You like your partner to be in charge.
You like to share who is in charge.
You like to film yourself.
You think there is something wrong with people who like to film themselves, but you wouldn’t mind watching their material.
I’m sure I left out a few other very normal sexual styles and personalities, but I did try my best to include everyone here. If you think I left something out, please leave a comment and let me know. Despite what people might tell you, I do enjoy and encourage discussion on this blog. I don’t just want positive comments about how great I am (although those are certainly nice and they do certainly make my day). If you disagree with me and want to tell me about it? Please leave a comment.
Your sex life is not normal if…
You can’t reach orgasm.
It hurts.
You dread it.
You don’t feel safe.
You do it because you’re worried about losing your lover. You don’t do it because you like it.
You wish you were having sex with someone else.
You feel resentful.
Again, I might have left a few things off the list, here. Please leave me a comment if something comes to mind.
I’m sure you get the idea. Sex should be something you enjoy and look forward to. It should not be a chore, and it definitely should not hurt. If that’s the case, something is wrong. You might have a health problem. You might need lubricant (again: organic coconut oil). You might need to see a sex therapist. You might need to examine your relationship with your lover.
By the way, after all of the comments on the previous blog, I was feeling a wee bit sensitive. After all, the whole thing caught me off guard. It just so happened to be a bad time of the month for me, if you know what I mean. So I asked my husband, “These men commented on my blog and told me that I was a terrible lover. Do you want me to last longer in bed, because I’m willing to try if it’s important to you?”
He said, “Please don’t. I can barely hold out as it is.”
I said, “And that’s why I married you.”
What do you think is normal and not normal in the bedroom? Leave a comment, even if you do not agree with me.
Want more sex advice? Read Sex Advice Part 1 and Check out tip #149 in today’s Toilet Paper Entrepreneur’s post How to Get Happy Fast.
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- Sex Advice: Is a celibate marriage ever justified?
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Tags: Sex advice
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I’m able to have multiple orgasms almost every time my boyfriend and I have sex, and what I’ve found helps is if he basically just keeps going after I’m done! Sometimes it’s more difficult and he’ll need to slow down for a bit and work back up to speed, and sometimes one is all I can handle before I crawl away from the bed (happily). I use some battery-operated help, and I find it quite helpful after I’ve already had one to help me get another (and another…). Best of luck to you!
By the way, I just found your blog a few days ago, and I’ve found quite a few of the articles to be quite helpful, thank you!
April 22nd, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Thank God using paddles is normal! I can continue my subscription to PING-PONG PORN! You validate my every move and that’s why I continue to read…and I’m waiting for the day when I disagree with you…so we can see the sparks fly!
Ain’t no party like an angry Mexican. I’m sharing this post with a few 1,000 friends….I just wanted to spread the love.
Keep up the good work,
Nando
April 22nd, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Maybe it was the unicorns which made me think of this comic:
http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=879
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:35 pm
I freakin’ love your blog. This article made me smile, laugh (especially about naked unicorns… so whoever missed the humor before obviously just doesn’t get it) and nod sympathetically because everyone is different and you deal with it so honestly.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Alisa
You know I read your blog like it was a “living for dummies” manual I gobble it up ( no this is not a reference to a BJ LOL) – I just wanted
to say that even good marriages- can have bad sex phases” which include all the things listed in your “not normal” list.
I have been there- and then it passes, met with a deeper trust in your man-
I have probably at one time or another experienced all of them- If the chemistry was there
to begin – it seems to always find something to ignite it back up.
It doesn’t have to planned or scheduled- it will me a moment that passes- which at the time seems meaniingless- that begins to lead you out of the ” not normal” .
Its happened before- and I won’t be scared if it happens again- I know it doesn’t mean
all is lost- Thats it I just wanted those who read the not normal – to know that even
not normal – is sometimes normal-
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:33 pm
I needed a good laugh today and I certainly got one.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:19 pm
Alisa, you must be correct about the comments that were left, some young guys trying to prove they can last for hours and hours. I know if I had someone like that, I would be out the door. When it comes to sex, and me and my boyfriend, I actually timed it the last few times and it’s about 15 mins. That all depends on what is being done… but straight out sex when we both get off it’s about that long. Nothing wrong with you… I know if I do it with myself, sorry all, my boyfriend lives 3 hours away, I know my spot and if I am really in the mood I can do myself in less then 5 mins. Too much info? *smile* To all the young men, you go get em’ with your hand… then when you do have sex, you’ll realize what real sex is, and YES it IS different for everyone.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:49 pm
“You like it so slow you’re almost at a stop.” -absolutely hilarious!
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:38 am
Monica–this is true. Thanks for pointing it out. Sometimes “I can’t reach orgasm” means “I just had a baby” and “I just started a new job” and “there is so much on my mind that I can’t relax enough to have an orgasm.” Sometimes it means “I’ve never had one because my husband has no idea how to give me one.” And sometimes it means there’s something wrong with your anatomy. It’s all worth investigating, though, because orgasms feel great and it’s my firm belief that every woman deserves to have them regularly.
With safety, I was thinking of men who are abusive. No woman needs or deserves that.
The last few are indications that your marriage could use a little work. It doesn’t mean that you are abnormal if your marriage needs work, by the way. Marriages are like gardens. They need fertilizer, water and, at times, Chem Lawn (sorry… that was the only recognizable name brand I could think of at 7 am that meant “professional help”). As long as we’re all willing to feed our gardens what they need and when they need it and as long as we’re willing to face problems (diseased plants, bugs that eat them etc), the plants will keep growing.
April 23rd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Reword the “is normal” part and it would make a great song.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I agree, nothing wrong with 10 minutes. But, sometimes it’s nice when your man brings you to the edge a few times before he lets you over. That’s when one orgasm isn’t enough.
April 28th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
It’s stuff like this that makes being a freak far less fun.
April 28th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I am one the can orgasm for no reason over and over. I seem to be very sensitive, in many cases clitoral stimulation is way to much for me because I am so sensitive. I can make myself orgasm anywhere anytime for anyreason without touching anything. I dont know for sure but I believe that some women can and some women cant. There are plus’ with being one that can and negatives as well. I guess you can say that I am not really ever satisfied. I stop when he is done and if we continue then I stop when I am exhausted or sore.
As for the pain factor being a bad thing, I wouldnt totally agree. I am not a crazy pain person but when it hurts a little, I kinda like that. The only time that I dont like the pain is when it reaches “the wall” as some people call it and that is just a weird horrible pain but it doesn’t mean we have anything wrong just means the postion needs to be slightly changed. Doesn’t normally need to be changed much, just a slight move of the hips.
Also I dont like to go more then 10-15 minutes or I am sore. Taking a break and cuddling then doing it again is way more fun then going hours straight.
April 28th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
“You like to think about naked unicorns while you are doing it.”
*phew*
April 28th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
21 and female. Normal for me is under 15 minutes (PLEASE nothing longer) and one orgasm if I’m lucky. Love my man, love the sex. Short and sweet, nothing fancy, appreciate both the really successful and not so orgasmic sex (me and him the same). Intimacy comes in many flavors, don’t believe for a minute that any one thing is the ONLY normal out there.
April 28th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
“I came away thinking, ‘Who knew sex was this controversial?’”
That’s more humour, right?
April 28th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
What’s normal? Why is it important? You nailed it – anyway you like it, it’s normal, within the bounds of consensual sex.
As a society, we’re so torn in half – we want desperately to be accepted as normal, yet we also dream about being superhuman: famous, rich, powerful.
Your post = awesome.
April 28th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
“Your sex life is not normal if… You wish you were having sex with someone else.”
News Flash! Every guy thinks about other women all the time, there’s not an attractive woman that walks by that a man doesn’t undress with his eyes.
April 28th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
hmmm….trying to think what makes me orgasm over and over. I don’t know! I do know that I absolutely LOVE sex. I let go of all inhibitions and ride that wave til a tornado or hurricane hits me and knocks me right off. lol! (that’s not hours…about 15 minutes or so). It just feels so awesome that I feel like it was an eternity of bliss. I must have women’s premature ejaculation too…I orgasm rather quickly. Men don’t believe it, but I do! Then, I am ready to go again and again. Deep breath…BOOM…orgasm again! Oh, make whatever noises you want to make. Don’t hold back on that either. Scream, curse, oooohh, aaahhh…whatever…if you can without waking kids or getting arrested for a noise ordinance law. Get a sound proof box to scream into! lol!
This enjoyment is only with my soulmate. The connection there is awesome. I don’t have to worry about anything with him. It hasn’t always been like this in my life. Time has helped me perfect the art of enjoying the hell out of sex. Start it with a big, wet, sloppy kiss and go from there. I love to please my partner and he is the same with me. It’s win, win…sex, sex, sex…
April 29th, 2009 at 1:38 am
When it comes to sex there are no parameters ..you just have to do your own thing, no matter what others are doing or saying… Whatever makes u happy and satisfied is the order of the moment….nobody can say its weird or dull or yucky. It’s your sex life…. forget everyone except your partner…..have a blast!… the sex would be so good, even the neighbors would be smoking a cigarette, after.
April 29th, 2009 at 2:07 am
Again, I might have left a few things off the list, here. Please leave me a comment if something comes to mind.
Your sex life is NOT normal if…
You can reach orgasm, but you find it boring.
And thus, my sex life is not normal. Oh, woah is me. I’ll just go do something else instead.
April 29th, 2009 at 3:20 am
“Who knew sex was this controversial?”
Well ‘nough said
April 29th, 2009 at 5:31 am
I just read all 5 parts. I understand part 2 from being in a deep relationship with a previously abused woman and seeing her sometimes react very differently than I had expected to certain things that were turns for past women but trigger the recall of some bad memory for her. She actually was a whore for some years, first as part of the abuse and later as part of her redefining herself and her sexuality as her own (her words) after freeing herself of the abuser (father). There are moments where I felt she was placing herself in a role more a whore than my girlfriend, and it seemed a little weird at first but I got used to it. It never occurred to me that may have been a coping action. I had assumed it was just doing what was familiar.
This part though, number 3, is my favorite. Basically, its all good as long as you both like it. Actually, I’m going to challenge you on the part that says its bad if its hurts. Some people are really turned on by that. My current woman likes the pain of a rough start because it makes the pleasure of the orgasm just that much better. I wouldn’t never suspected it, but I do enjoy it when she nibbles or even chomps down on my cock with her teeth during a blowjob. Mind you, this is tame compared to the S&M crowd, for which pain is an integral step of the path to pleasure.
Now, the reason I’m really bothering to comment. The multiple orgasms… I really don’t know that there is some technique for women to do this, but that’s because I’m a guy and I don’t know exactly what they are doing, so I’ll just share my observations. I know that every woman I’ve had sex with has had multiple orgasms with me. Not always the first time of course, but within the first dozen sessions. I know I can have multiple, but it requires a break. If I ejaculate and try to keep going, I won’t be able to. However, if I take a break, just long enough to let him go soft (take 2 min to chug a glass of water to put back what I just sweat out in the last 30-60 min), then get back into it, he’ll quickly come up again and I can ejaculate again in reasonable time though not as quick as the first.
For women, I think its the opposite. Basically, don’t stop. When you are going on that orgasm, just keep going and going and before you know it you’ll have another. If your man is slowing or changing position, try asking him to just keep at it exactly how he is, or maybe even step it up a little more. This is, as I understand, how you get the rolling orgasms. They’ve been described to me as coming in waves, the first starts to subside and just as she thinks its done, the next wave rolls in and its more intense than the first. As the guy, I know when she hits that point initially, and I take it as my sign to go a little faster and harder, even if her immediate body language says slow down and take it easy. I’ve found that pushing through that slowdown reaction often gets a quick second. After a few quick orgasms, there’s usually a longer period without any, likely while the body recycles in a fashion similar to how I have to let my dick go through a relax cycle to cum again. I can see her relax and sometimes even tune out, and that’s when I take it easy and slow my pace for a little bit. It doesn’t take warm before she starts feeling it again and indicates, either physically or just saying it, that it’s time for me to pick up the pace again. The next orgasm will usually come in less time that it took for the first counting from start of foreplay.
I’ll give you a few stats so you can compare times. This isn’t an exhaustive sampling, nor scientific. The exact numbers are for my current relation, but they seem similar by memory going back to my first girlfriend. The waves in a rolling orgasm are usually 30-90 seconds apart, and each wave can last up to a minute. The time between full orgasm cycles can be as little as 3 minutes with my current woman (her words). The ratio of her orgasms to mine is usually in the range of 4:1 to 12:1 for any given session. The ratio tends to go up on the sessions in which I’m going for more than one myself. More often than not though, I just go for one and we take an extended break. When we are free to do nothing else (no need to go to work or sleep, no need to do anything around the house, etc), we tend to have a session about once every three hours. Its the frequency of the sessions that removes the motivation to go for multiples in a session. A typical single-shot session is an hour counting foreplay. If I haven’t seen her in days, the first session I’ll often for for 3 for myself, which means about 90-120 minutes for the session and about 10-20 for her. Note that when I say foreplay, I’m talking about hands and mouths on each other. Getting naked and talking sexy isn’t foreplay, that’s just normal, though we don’t wear clothes in the house except to receive company so my normal may be different from yours. My record for the most times in a single session is 5. My record for the most times in a day is 12 over 10 sessions. I’ve never gotten a record from any of my women as they loose count somewhere in the 20s, and by then its usually +/- 2 anyway as some are lost in the moment and some waves counted more than once. I’ve jokingly suggested giving her a pen and paper to run a tally, but it wouldn’t be long before she declared that a distraction and tossed it off the bed. I’ve tried reviewing the video with her on recorded sessions and asking her to count in hopes seeing it will combine with her memory to give more accurate number, but to no avail. My first girlfriend was a statistician and it was her idea to count all this stuff years ago. Since then, I’ve just loosely tracked it in my head for fun. My current partner could care less about the numbers, she just wants more of me.
One thing came to mind as I wrote all the above. When I first read your post, I was thinking of multiples during intercourse as the goal you are looking to reach. Now that I think about it though, you don’t specify if you’ve had multiple on your own or if that is part of your goal. Have you had multiples either by yourself or assistance? If not, perhaps try a toy to do so if you can’t get there with your hands. Maybe bring him into it if that’ll keep you hot ‘n horny. Get yourself off once, and then put the toy in his hand and tell him to make you cum again. Basically, extrapolating from your advice in post 5 regarding achieving orgasm at all, I think you’ll have a better chance at multiples during intercourse if you are accustomed to having multiple in general and you will get there by practicing with this as the goal.
Phew, that was long, and I’m not a professional writer like you. Thanks for the entertaining series an hopefully the above has some useful tidbits that can help you on your way to your next goal.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:52 am
Oh these are good points. THANKS for the advice about the multiples. This just may be a new project I try.
Re the abnormals (or lack of a better word): you’re right. Certain types of pain-pleasure are linked together. I wasn’t thinking about S&M when I wrote that. I was thinking about women who can’t enjoy sex because it’s painful… and it never feels good. Usually there’s something wrong: lack of lubrication, some sort of medical problem, etc. And these things can be addressed! There’s no reason to suffer through it.
A few people commented on the “wishing you were with someone else.” I was mostly referring to what happens in long term marriage when your spouse no longer turns you on, so the only way you can get the urge to have sex with your spouse is to pretend you are having sex with someone else. While this isn’t abnormal (ie. perfectly understandable why someone would do it), it does indicate that one needs to work on improving the marriage.
April 29th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Your sex life is normal if you are fast asleep after do it
May 3rd, 2009 at 2:54 am
This blog entry just made me SO happy. =D
Everyone is different, y’know? Every lover has something unique in their lovemaking. People are so complex, and this can especially be expressed in sexuality.
Thank you for writing this blog. It was fun. =P
May 19th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Sex is so relaxing and a wonderful way to spend time outdoors. It is one of my favorite hobbies that I love to share with others online! Thanks for taking the time to write this post, I always learn so much about sex from many different sources online!
June 28th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
lol I loved the end comment about you and your husband! It’s great that we can appreciate the complexity in so many different types of relationships.
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Great piece! It also sounds like you and your hubby are well-matched sexually. Those guys who assume longer sex is better, etc, sound inexperienced and insecure to me. 15 minutes is plenty of time, though if a couple is able and desires to go longer yay…and if a couple is able and desires to go shorter, yay!
One of the best times my husband and I had involved about 25 minutes of foreplay so intense that I came within a couple minutes of penetration, as did he. It wasn’t normal for us, but we were so worked up that it was utterly perfect.
Listening to Dan Savage’s podcast has been another thing that helps me realize just how normal so many things are. And how lucky I am to have someone who’s on the same page.
March 7th, 2010 at 10:43 pm
I have multipul orgasms just about every time with my significant other. My problem is that I tend to orgasm fast and we generally don’t go for long periods of time. He always wants to and it is hard for me to. I could really use some advice about this. I feel like he gets frustrated because I can’t go for long periods of time. If anyone has advice for me I would really appreciate it, because its not just about me being satisfied and happy and getting off I want him to be too.