Part 1 of a Five Part Sex Advice Series
What? You don't want this?
A regular reader emailed me, saying, “All of my married female friends talk about sex like it’s a disease you can catch. They whine and complain about their husbands wanting to get it on. Am I crazy for loving sex? Who’s abnormal, them or me?”
On the same day, a friend emailed the following quote:
“Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.“—Samuel Johnson (1709-84)
Apparently Samuel didn’t know about this thing called The Celibate Marriage.
I have a take on sex and marriage that isn’t always very popular among women. It’s this: sex is good. We should all try to have more of it. If you don’t want to have sex with your spouse, something is wrong and it’s probably one of the following 8 problems.
8 Reasons Why You Don’t Want to Have Sex
You are not attracted to your husband. Has he let himself go? It’s really okay to talk to him about various turn-offs that he can take steps to do something about. Does he need some more work in the brushing and flossing department? Would you like him to do something about those nose hairs? Do the two of you need to start a fitness program together? Would you like him to dress up every once in a while? Those ratty old sweat pants with the paint stains just aren’t doing it for you? He can’t know that you need these things unless you ask. Believe me: if he thinks he’s going to get rewarded for trimming his nose hairs, he will trim his nose hairs.
You have equipment failure. If sex is uncomfortable, mention it to your gynecologist. You might have endometriosis or another condition that makes sex uncomfortable. If vaginal dryness is an issue, try organic coconut oil. It’s safe. It’s effective, and it feels like the real thing. It’s better than any vaginal lubricant sold at any store. Seriously. I’ve tried all of them. Just don’t use it with condoms because it can break down the latex.
You have an underlying medical problem. Usually, it’s depression, but any number of other health problems can completely obliterate your sex drive. It’s worth getting a full check up.
You are embarrassed by your naked body. Do something about your body image, then, because it’s probably ruining more than just your sex life. I suggest the following. 1) Go to the beach or a swimming pool. Check out other women who are larger than you. Ask yourself, “Does she really look terrible?” The answer to that question, if you are looking at a truly confident woman who carries herself well, is, “No. She looks great.” 2) Start a health program that will allow you to feel good in your body. Note I did not say “diet program.” Some of the most tortured women wear a size 2. They don’t need to lose weight. They just need to learn how to feel good. So get fit. Eat healthy, and do other things that allow you to feel healthy. 3) Stand naked in front of your husband. See what happens. He likes your naked body, and he can prove this to you without using his words. 4) Have sex with the lights on and with your eyes open. Do this as often as needed, until you feel good about yourself. 5) Ask him to tell you that he thinks you are sexy and beautiful, because he really does think this. He just forgets to tell you, because he thinks you already know.
You work too much. Stress and exhaustion can obliterate your sex drive. Instead of feeling horny, you just feel tense. Learn to interpret tension for what it is: You really need to get laid, sister! Trust me. An orgasm is the best tension release there is. It’s better than running. It’s better than meditation. It’s even better than wine and chocolate. Also, do something to reduce your stress load. Delegate household tasks. Make it a firm rule that you will not work at night or on the weekends. Build relaxation into your daily routine. Make it your goal to always be a little bit bored. Your drive will return.
You were sexually abused. Whenever men tell me that their girlfriends or wives “don’t like sex,” my first question is always, “Was she abused when she was younger?” I’ve yet to get a “No.” Past sexual abuse can really do a number on your sexual psyche. Even if you think you are “over it,” you probably aren’t. This is a complex topic, and I delve deeper into it in Sex Advice: Part 2.
You don’t feel adored by your husband. Sex requires a certain amount of vulnerability. If your spouse belittles you whenever you are out of the bedroom, it will be difficult for you to let your guard down and relax in the bedroom. It takes a full 24 hours for a woman to get in the mood. If your spouse does anything during that 24 hours to annoy you, it’s an automatic turn off as far as sex as concerned. Explain this to him, and take some time to teach him how to romance you. If you feel absolutely adored by your husband, you will want to have sex with him.
He doesn’t know how to please you in bed. If his idea of sex is crawling on top of you and banging away until he’s done, then I can understand why you’d rather be filing your nails than lying underneath his body. You can do something about this though. It starts with you. Spend some time pleasuring yourself. That’s the only way you are going to figure out what you like and need. Once you’ve become a Jedi Master at bringing yourself to orgasm, teach him how to do the same thing. Also, give him the book How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure by Lou Paget. Lou is a woman, by the way.
Did I miss a good reason not to have married sex? Do you wish I provided more advice? Do you have a sexual issue that I did not address? Do you have a suggestion for something you’d like me to explain in a future blog? Do you disagree with every single thing I wrote? Email me or leave a comment.
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I guess you left out “You have some sort of freakishly perceptive baby who is doing everything in his power to make sure he stays the baby”
You’re right… I left out motherhood in general. When you are not sleeping, it’s hard to feel like having sex. That’s normal, as long as it doesn’t last 18 years…
This is so funny and so true! I totally agree 110% that sex/orgasms are the greatest stress reliever/reducer known to mankind! Better than wine, chocolate and running….I wouldn’t say it’s better than meditating, but sometimes, it is! That’s just me, though! I agree that all of these things you mentioned (poor diet, lack of energy, depression, parenthood) can ruin a great sex drive/sex life. And I absolutely agree that sex is an incredibly important part of a marriage–or any serious/committed relationship for that matter! It IS good, it IS necessary and it’s SO worth the time and effort it takes to sometimes achieve it! Thanks for making me feel like I’m not the ONLY woman alive who believes this! Thanks for sharing, and of course, making me laugh! Here’s to great/frequent sex, forever and ever, amen!
Blissful Blessings,
-Sarah
Organic coconut oil, huh? I can’t believe that not one of the many sex/relationship advice books I’ve edited/read has never mentioned that. Oh, wait…maybe that’s because all of those books were for men. Thanks for teaching me something today.
So true Alisa! Sex is a wonderful stress reducer and so very necessary (I believe) in a good relationship. It would be great to hear what you have to say about the relationships where the man is the one who isn’t interested in having sex. Yes, they do exist. I think many women don’t discuss it because they are embarrassed because men “always” want sex and, if he doesn’t want to have sex, women feel that something is wrong with them.
That’s a great suggestion. Maybe I’ll extend the series and do this as a part 4. Thanks for pointing it out!
The last time we made love which was well over 2 months ago, I achieved an orgasm, the first time in several years due to an antidepressant I was taking. I feel very distant from my husband now…..and he has said some very mean and abusive things to me. I feel, I feel my emotions and I’m not numb anymore. I love him and wish him no harm, however my intuition says there is more to this saga and that is why we are not intimate anymore. I also went back to work recently and he no longer pays me my $25.00 a week allowance I was getting. I split my paycheck….half gores to the household, the other half to me. Thank you for letting me vent. We have been married 32 years.
Elle–hang in there. We had a very long dry spell, once, too. It was partially due to parenthood (I was exhausted), partially due to depression, and partially due to the fact that I had to work on my marriage. The “He has said mean and abusive things to me” is telling. But so is “I love him.” To want to have sex and enjoy it, you need to feel both safe and adored. I wish you the best. Please feel free to contact me any time if you need additional support or advice.
In learning how to masturbate, read Liberating Masturbation, or Sex For One, by Ph.D Betty Dodson. One of my first sexual experiences was in being molested. I’m not sure if that was the central issue or not, but for years, sex had no joy for me. I felt lacking in vitality and sometimes I’d cry after sex. I hated sex.
Then… I read Betty’s book. She’s so joyful and frank about the topic. She’s a powerful feminist.
*laughs* I blessed a Walgreens parking lot today with my generative screaming energies. I love sex now, obviously.
I feel so good and comfortable about it. Credit is due entirely to her and myself. Go and read her book!
You didn’t mention that perhaps he or she married the wrong person. Chemistry is key to being attracted to each other; and many people overlook that science when they are young and get married for other reasons. While I understand supporting the contract of marriage and trying to make it work, the couple may just not fit together romantically.
I think this is true in some cases, but mostly I think this is a myth. Unless two people truly married for some odd reason (money, it was arranged, etc), then they WERE attracted to each other at one point. They just fell out of love. That means they need to take steps to fall back in love. I went through this with my husband. I thought I would never feel attracted to him again and doubted that I’d ever felt attracted to him in the first place. Then we resurrected our sex life. I taught him how to romance me. We started having conversations again. On and on and on. Anyway, now I’m attracted to him. Chemistry can be both created and destroyed.
You belittle the thousands upon thousands of women who don’t feel the same way you do, and it’s shameful. If you feel like screwing yourself silly 5 times a day, then by all means do so, but don’t you DARE look down your nose at those who don’t. God, you make me angrier than I can begin to express. If you don’t want to have sex, something is wrong? How dare you judge people like that.
Great insight into relationships. Very helpful. Being “newly wed” 1 1/2 years, I will be reading daily.
Uh, Jen…..I don’t think she was “belittling” anyone, truly. This just struck me as something married women need to think about. Sex can be such a joy between two
people who love each other – and that, my friend, is just what G_d intended!!!
Yes, you left out: he’s a lying, cheating dog. How can I ever be with him again? He’s cheated on me throughout our entire marriage.
Your sex advice column is pretty the same advice as others. But one thing I think women should know is how much power they have when their husbands think of their wives as women who love sex and romance. Men seem to have this ownership mentality toward their wives/partners. And the more sex you have the more men will find you attractive, which also means in the male brain that other men will also find you attractive; thus giving women more power. In the back of your husband’s mind he’ll probably think if he’s not stepping up to the plate to make you happy, someone else will. This drives men crazy. So more sex is a win-win for both. So women out there, make your best effort and you may find more peace and happiness.
Ladies, after years of low sex drive, an MD thought to check my testosterone level…and the lab results came back to low to even be measured! Birth control is one thing that can cause this, so I got off the pill, used testosterone cream (by prescription) and within a couple weeks started getting my libido back. All those years of off and on again desire/frustration…what a waste….if only someone had thought or known to check this by a simple blood test.
One of the reasons we have not had sex in almost 4 years is that my husband had prostate cancer and has not recovered from the side effects. The biggest one being not being able to have an erection. So we have a virtual celibate marriage. I am not happy about it, but I still love him and I don’t want to leave.
Gretchen–that would qualify as one of the legit reasons for a celibate marriage, although I think it would be nice if he would pleasure you, even if he expects/wants nothing in return.
My wife shared with me shortly before we were married that she did not have any positive sexual experiences with previous men she had dated, and wasn’t really interested in sex until we got together. She had not experienced abuse or violations, she just wasn’t internally motivated. She was surprised that our sex life was going as well as it was, meaning she was surprised how into it all of it she was, and continues to go fabulously for the both of us. We were both in our late 20s when we began dating and have been married for two years now. She just didn’t really have a pleasurable experience physically or a fulfilling experience emotionally with sex for her to draw from that would motivate a desire for sex. Fortunately for her and for us together, I’ve always been interested in discovering what excites my partner. Keeping up regular communication, sharing feedback in a respectful manner, and being patient, unselfish, giving, and undemanding describe what has worked well for us. Now, do we have exciting escapades in the car, secluded beach, and so on?.. no. But I’ve learned what she likes and I feel an immense emotional fulfillment from satisfying my wife which reaches and often exceeds my own sexual satisfaction.
I don’t expect this to be approved and if it is, then it will probably have a lot of negative comments and I don’t care I just wanted to say something to the writer of this blog…the picture accompanying this blog…..if that was what sex looked like then OF COURSE I would want it…..but usually it doesn’t…that picture is a romanticized version of it……….it usually resembles a weird cross between the awkard sex scene in can’t hardly wait and poorly shot porno……..and I just can’t stand to think of putting myself in a such a disgusting fashion……there are other stress relievers and other ways to connect to my spouse, certaintly I will have sex when he wants it but I want him to be happy and fufilled, but I shouldn’t be ostracized for thinking it is distasteful and not being too thrilled or enjoying the act myself
Been married 35 years, sexless about 20. I’ve heard every excuse, delay tactic and “not now” reason that I simply quit asking on our 15th wedding anniversary. I decided that I loved her so much that I wouldn’t put her in the position of rejecting me anymore. And if she ever decides to ask me, I would never reject her.
In every marriage, the partner with the lowest sex drive controls the relationship. I masterbate, read porn and have a “paid provider” I visit 6 times a year. I have no guilt or regrets for myself, and intend to stay married forever.
I’m sure she would be disappointed if she knew.
This is ridiculous.
Some people just don’t LIKE sex, just as some people just don’t LIKE chocolate. Yeah, we’re all supposed to think sex is awesome and chocolate (for women at least) is better – but who are YOU to decide everyone who doesn’t like what YOU do has something WRONG with them?
You’re not addressing voluntary celibacy – you’re addressing marital problems.
If BOTH partners are happily sexless, there’s NOTHING wrong with having a celibate marriage.
“If BOTH partners are happily sexless, there’s NOTHING wrong with having a celibate marriage.”
Yes this is true but it rarely works that way. Majority of the time the issue is mis-matched sex drives.
“Some people just don’t LIKE sex”
I do not necessarily believe this is true. I think it is more that some people don’t have the desire to have sex or don’t like the sex they are having. BTW, I am 48 years old and have yet to meet a person who didn’t like chocolate!
The majority of men love sex. I wish for my husband to be satisfied by other aspects of our relationship, but sex will always be very important. I guess, especially since we’re a younger couple and that sex drive is still going strong. My reason for holding off is usually because it’s so much work and I’m too tired! Nonetheless, we’ve made a deal that when he wants it, he gets it because I find it much better me pleasing him than him pleasing himself with pornography (he doesn’t need a wife for that) or by going out and having other people please him. Whether sex, oral sex, or just rubbing one out, he gets something no matter how tired I am. Every person and every couple is different, but always remember that mean love sex and if you’re not giving him something, be prepared for him to (in the very least) do it for himself!
“Distasteful”? In what way is sex “distasteful”? It is how humans procreate… If not for sex, the world would not have any animal life forms. Aside from that, I’m pretty sure that not one person who supposedly does not enjoy sex can tell me that they have experienced an orgasm that was not enjoyable.
Personally, I think that the frequency of sex, the duration of sex, and the quality of sex all depends on each pair of people (or group of people) and Alisa isn’t trying to say anything else. She never once says “if you don’t have sex, you are definitively unnatural/abnormal/other negative adjective.” She’s just identifying some underlying issues to help people who want to change.
Stop attacking her.
In other news, I’ve quite enjoyed this blog thus far (I’ve read about a dozen posts over the last week) and I’ve bookmarked it. I’m not married, but I intend to pass this on along to the lucky married couples I know. Thanks for sharing with us!
How sad!, I wasn’t aware until now that celibate marriages are real, what a waste! I think women going through this should do everything to change it because it’s really worthwhile, sex is the best thing ever invented, I’m looking forward to finding my better half to start enjoying the pleasures of love.
Peace & Love
what if your just religious?
i am religious i got married at 16 (i’m 17 now) in my religion you must wait 5 months to even have sex and the elders give you herbs to get pregnant the marriage itself has a long preparation and ceremony so yea i am a virgin still and i’m glad i am because right now i am busy with my career
Please don’t attack the author. What has been said is true. You may not want sex and that’s your decision, but we all know that none of us would exist if it wasn’t for sex….deeply penetrated and passionate SEX. I feel like I am dying inside right now because my husband is not having sex with me like he once did. He’s cheated on me, done the online porn and other things that have all been very disrespectful. I stayed with him because I loved him and did not want to submit myself at that level to anyone else. Now he’s suffering with a low libido caused by a low testosterone count and he’s not giving me the sex that I once enjoyed even though he was cheating. Now I feel like he’s suffering because of his cheating ways and has given the best of himself to others instead of sustaining it for me – his wife. I really feel cheated now because I want so badly to feel him thrust me and when he makes an attempt to penetrate me, I am feeling absolutely nothing. He pounds me with his body weight…I’m broken down physically but not sexually. When he’s done I don’t feel like I’ve ever had sex. That’s only when he makes an attempt.
He rejects me and treats me cold whenever I try different things to create a different setting or mood. He tries to belittle me and make me feel awful because my body is craving sex so badly. Yes, I am actually having pains of agony. It’s like torture. He event told me four times to find another d**k! I thought that was the most hurtful thing a man could say to his wife or lover. I’m at a crossroads. Because he did it to me and because he insulted me in this way…I’m thinking about taking him up on his request. I don’t think nor do I want to live the rest of my life celibate. I am only 41 years old and very romantic. I don’t want to image him taking drugs to get an erection because to me that’s even more of an insult – the man who cheated on me and had sex with other women during our marriage is now popping pills to be able to have sex with me? I’m not dealing with this very good. I’m drinking alcohol to put myself to sleep just so I don’t think about the male body lying next to me.
@ meeka … i am sorry you have to go thru such a hard time with your husband .. .i have had pretty much the same kind of hard time with girlfriends over the years to the point that i pretty much gave up on marriage. the person with the lowest libido has the most power, sad but true.
i am 39 and will turn 40 this july, but i have learned that looks, size and technique dont matter.. its the way both partners interact TOGETHER that matters.. so many people are either giving or expecting a ‘performance’ that it ruins things …
if i can be as bold to offer a suggestion [there has been a path i have taken to find a couple of simple remedies] .. to get or encourage the libido thing, try soaking, cooking and slipping JIAOGULAN either in tea or powder into everything .. the more you read up on it it enhances capilarary blood flow and is known as a ‘immortality herb’ in addition to being healthier, it also contains naturally occuring nitric oxides that help libido in addition to being a nerve tonic without jitters. also switching to virgin coconut oil for cooking couldnt hurt the situation, it also has a positive effect on libido over time …
the most direct thing is this man needs counseling ASAP. you sound like a sweetheart of a woman and you are courageous for staying with your husband, but depression can be influenced with diet so consider researching simple dietary changes that have a positive effect on mood .. goji berry has properties like st johns wart without him having to take pills or be conscience about it ..
hope this helps and i dont know you but prayers are going up ….
@ wildflower .. i agree celebate marriage is a waste, i have a young lady trying to ‘dare’ me into a relationship where she has waved the celibate flag as some sort of ‘test’ to see if i like her more than i may enjoy intimacy [married] .. i am not falling for it and have to move on .. its a horrible distortion to JUST BUTTON UP MY DESIRE LIKE ITS A DISEASE …
and for everybody else .. if not for trying give coconut oil a try on your hair .. when it melts and runs down your body in the shower it will soften your skin … and using it as a sex lubricant sounds like a luscious idea … the more i research coconut oil the more impressed i am … give it a try …
I’m a perfect example of what depression can do to a person’s sex life (and her husband’s!). I was diagnosed before we got married, and I’ve been on 4 or 5 different antidepressants since we got married 7 years ago. Depression is horrible for your sex life (and every other aspect of your life), but antidepressants can be just as bad- even as me mood was evening out, my libido was near zero at times. I didn’t want sex, I didn’t want any kind of physical intimacy, and when we did have sex, there was a long time when it HURT. Not good times for our marriage. (Having 2 kids and not getting much sleep didn’t help, either- or stress about work and money). I loved my husband, but I didn’t like sex.
The good news is that things are looking up now. I talked to my doctor about the libido issue (and the emotional flatness- it was scary) with the old meds, and we finally found something that works for me. I can accept the fact that I’ll probably be on antidepressants for the rest of my life; I was NOT willing to live with being physically and emotionally distant from my husband.
I didn’t have an orgasm until a few months ago. It’s been great since then. We’re actually trying right now to make love every day for 30 days, just to see what happens. So far, so good!
.-= Mrs Embers´s last blog ..Ouch! =-.
The studies that proved this have been going on for a 10 year period to prove the results through time. This is not a study of a few people either; the studies on this topic included over 1,700 adult subjects!
You can change your attitude easier than you think. You may be able to get a better outlook on life by changing your job, what you do for fun, exercising more often or even finding more suitable hobbies.
No matter what you choose to do, understand that smiling is a lot healthier that we knew just a few years ago.
I am an older married woman; 45 years of marriage. Throughout, I have chosen to remain because my husband is wonderful to me in every way but one, and is a spectacular father. But he is a chronic adulterer and has been since Day One. Twenty years ago he brought a VD to me from one of his affairs, and since then, I have elected to be celibate. My body is celibate but my libido is not. He is “contaminated” to me, and I don’t ever want to have sex with him again even though it was always fantastic between us in spite of his womanizing. I still will not have sex with him due to his continuing affairs. We never talk about it, but he continues to be sexually active. I feel deprived and of course, deeply angry and hurt, but it has been my choice both to remain married and to remain celibate. Counseling won’t help. It can’t be fixed. All other areas of our life together are genuinely successful, but I am frustrated and unhappy and don’t know what to do. Have had opportunites for my own affairs, but can’t separate sex from emotion and one-night stands aren’t an option for me. Suggestions would be appreciated. This is a complicated and complex issue. Thank you.
Extremely interesting blog post thank you for sharing I just added your site to my favorites and will be back.
Wow after reading some of these post I see we still have a long way to go in this country before couple learn to apreciate each other & the gift they have of intamacy. My wife has a diblitating illness & no longer able to have sex. I miss it more than you will ever know. Not just for the sake of sex but for the closeness it brought to us. Yes we do things to help keep out bond strong. But nothing is quite the same. After seeing the complaints from several readers try to think how you or your spouse would feel if it were all gone tomorrow due to an accident or illness? I love my wife dearly & will always stay true to our vows. She even felt guilty to the point of offering for me to take a “lover”. My vows mean way to much to me to ever do such a thing. She didn’t mean it in a hurtful way (even though it did for a short time). So take it from somebody who no longer has the joy of being intimate with the person I love more than anything. It could all be gone in a flash. Would you still feel “too tired”?
Ray- Here is what I learned, coming from a person who gets home tired most evening, it isn’t a good excuse if it will hurt the person you love. If you can find the energy to do anything else, then find it for your spouse. Drummer guy you are so right and I feel the same way about my vows, they are non-negotiable.
Joanne- As the gal who feels sex is as important as daily brushing my teeth I can say that I can’t imagine a celibate marriage by choice. That being said if there was a medical reason Ray could no longer have intercourse I wouldn’t dream of leaving him. We would do on to alternate methods together because he truly is my other half. I didn’t need a vow to know this. Intimacy, true intimacy, isn’t about any port in the storm, there is really is only Ray for me. This is 2010, we are all more enlightened as to how an orgasm is achieved and vaginal penetration isn’t the only means.
Very good comments Joanne & ray. It is refreshing in today’s me, me, me society to see someone so dedicated to their spouse & has a real understanding of what intimacy is & the value of having a LIFE PARTNER to be totally dedicated to. I have had numerous people say to me that I had every right to take a “lover”. Glad I am not married to any of them lol.
The question celibate marriage ever justified ?
I certainly think so. Married 40 + years and our sex life has sucked from the get go.
Our wedding night and our honeymoon were sexless, it finally happened about 8 months later. Wife said she wasn’t ready, scared, and plane not in the mood.
About 10 years into our marriage I started to medical issues and I took meds for these issues. My libido was totally wiped out, and I had ED from the meds. Plus if we could have sex I wouldnt, its boring, not exciting, so much effort for so little reward.
The last 30 years we have been without sex.
“Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.“ Extremely interesting blog post thank you for sharing.
And what about “there is no love anymore” type of reason? Sometimes the reason is just it. No love, consequently no attraction, no meaning, no purpose. It just ends. Maybe because of more complicated reasons, lack of respect, lack of partnership, lack of friendship, lack of romance, or just a lot of hurt feelings, resentments… “marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures” sounds good, but sometimes pain can suppress any pleasure.
Might I suggest another reason for a celibate marriage: She’s done making babies. After struggling with the decline of my wife’s sex drive and reading the posts here, I’m reminded that my wife’s libido skyrocketed when she was trying to conceive. Once she got to her desired number of children, her interest waned dramatically. Now I’m a healthy 43-year-old, very much in love (and lust) with my spouse, searching the internet for ways to deal with celibacy while remaining faithful.
How about my husband treats me like I am his cousin or worst I just don’t exist. Not only have we had a celebate marriage for the past eight years but I don’t even get a good morning kiss or a good bye kiss or a hug or a pat on the hand no conversation, nothing. It is as if I am not there. When we were having sex, it was horrible, the worst experience I ever had before, during and after. Just recently, his PSA count was high and he thought he had problems with his prostate so we went in to the doctor’s office together, he wanted me there. Turned out the PSA count was so high because of ejaculation. I informed the nurse practitioner who was talking with us that I had not had sex with him for eight years. She said his exam was normal and the only reason she could think of for the high PSA count was because he had recently ejaculated. He says he doesn’t and says he has not been sexing someone else. I don’t believe a word he says. Anyway, I’m glad for the past eight years of celibacy. I moved him out of my bedroom about a month ago and it was the best thing I have done for myself since we got married. I don’t even want to lay down next to him again. He has the audacity to be angry because I moved him out of my bedroom. The nerve.
i usually stick to natural birth control methods because i am a christian, natural birth control has no side effects too.;:*
Great topic. My wife and I are in our mid-40′s. I’m looking for ways to understand and help with my wife’s declining sex drive before it becomes a major issue. One common thread I’ve noticed in all the post is that, not one person in a celibate circumstance expressed “joy” or “happiness” (at least in the delivery of their comment). Even “Kit” who implied that “nothing” is wrong with a sexless marriage if both partners agree, surely didn’t sound happy about her circumstance.
Thank you to all who posted honest details of their situation, to help us readers have a truer insight to the real issues and pitfalls of a celibate marriage.
Our goal is not longevity in marriage, but a happy, healthy long marriage. We celebrate 9 years this month.
What if the problem is reversed? I LOVE sex, and my husband does not. Well actually, he loves it when we have it. He just doesn’t have a desire to do it very often. We have spoken to the Dr. and we have gone to therapy. There is still not a lot happening in our bedroom. I think that there needs to besomething in your blog regarding, “Men rejecting women”, or maybe we are just the freaks……
@marie,…. I read your comments with interest. I recently found a website that is all about people living in a sexless marriage. Not a site I would recommend because everything is very negative. The only reason I mention it is because it has over 11,000 members & over 60% of them are women. Also many there don’t live in a sexless marriage but find the frequency not enough. So don’t feel like your alone. Also don’t feel like it is you or that there is something wrong with you at all. It seems to almost never be the case of the husband/wife not being attracted to the spouse. For whatever reason your husband may be having a treatable issue with his libido right now. From what I have gathered from it though there are many reasons this could be happening. Some because of physical problems with issues from Low Testosterone to psychological reasons varying from past sexual abuse, emotional abuse from childhood, previous marriages etc.
Also so many men & women spent years blaming themselves for not being man enough, woman enough, my spouse isn’t attracted to me etc. So many beat themselves up for years over this. What most discovered was that wasn’t true at all. There are many men & women out there that just have low libidos or libidos that have suffered for treatable medical reasons. Society says that all men are horndogs & must want sex all the time or they are not a man. This causes a lot of men with low libidos to suffer in silence & not seek help. The good news is that many times it can be treatable. So keep trying to address the issue. If you don’t get help from one doctor find another. If one counseler doesn’t help find another. Just don’t let this fester for years on end. Many people on that site I mentioned did just that & they have lost all feeling for their spouse after years of rejection. So many had unloving spouses who basicly just said ” this is the way I am, the way I feel so live with it”. So just the fact that you have a husband who is willing to get help is a GREAT sign.
Also don’t feel bad for having a higher libido. There is nothing wrong with that at all. To often women who are that way are labeled as something is wrong with them. They are called nasty names. I am sure many have heard them. But it is a physical fact & nothing wrong with it. A very good friend of mine has a wife with a tremendous libido & she is a wonderful wife in every way to him. They are deeply in love & had to work out a few things with it but they have had thriving marriage for 25+ years. So keep on plugging in & working together. Nothing is unfixable.
Ron
Love can be returned and expressed in a zillion other ways.
How does one show love to their mom or dad, their children, their freinds and neighbors?
Yes, a wife and husband are a little different, but sex is but a small part of this relationship (at least it should be) – so much can go wrong in this area. There needs to be a base of something deeper.
you seem to have forgotten about asexuality it’s an orintation like gay or bi and it’s awareness has been growing rapidly in the last few decades.
Ms. Bowman,
I’m a fellow ASJA member. I think one problem with a lot of relationships is that one person doesn’t like the other’s scent–or maybe it’s mutual, and they don’t realize it. I was in such a relationship in the late ’90s. She didn’t like my scent. I didn’t realize that at the time or I would have gotten out. But in retrospect it was obvious from certain behavior. She bought me a tongue scraper. She had me scrub before sex. Even early in the relationship, she was happy to sit across the room from me rather than next to me. After she got over having had a five year man famine before she met me, our sex life, initially wonderful, went down the tubes. That is, the frequency fell off from daily initially to maybe weekly or less.
I don’t think she would have ever realized she didn’t like my scent, because she was generally not very self-aware in matters related to sex. I finally realized what the problem had been several years later when I started going out with a recent widow who had been married to a man who (obviously to me from the descriptions she gave me) didn’t like her scent.
In my opinion, most relationships where one partner (or both) doesn’t like the other’s scent are doomed. Relationship counselors should ask their clients whether each likes the other’s scent.
Connie Cannon (march 30, 2010): Counseling won’t help. It can’t be fixed. All other areas of our life together are genuinely successful, but I am frustrated and unhappy and don’t know what to do. Have had opportunites for my own affairs, but can’t separate sex from emotion and one-night stands aren’t an option for me. Suggestions would be appreciated. This is a complicated and complex issue. Thank you.
A book called “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie might help you find your way out of this seemingly impossible situation.
I’m confused. Have been married 15 years, 2 great kids. Sex was awesome in the beginning. We couldn’t get enough of each other. Now (I’m mid-forties) I would love never to have sex again. Seriously. I have a rich life, am happy – just have no interest in sex. I’ve got my kids. Having sex with the same guy for the 1000th time just doesn’t thrill me. And he’s a really great guy. I have no interest in an affair. So now, I go through the motions and it is getting harder and harder to do. Hate to split up the family, but feel like I’m at a precipice (gosh, is that the right spelling?). Anyway, it feels biologically natural to me to be beyond sex. Cuddle, yes, hold hands, sure, but sex – just doesn’t do it for me. Well wish us luck…
Jennifer I read your comment with interest. What your going through is probably more common than most would be willing to admit. For many people their drive starts to deminish later in life. Sometimes the causes are physical, I E hormone levels, especially after child birth, or just one of the many things that can cause it. Sometimes it is psychological. But I would encourage you to check out what could be causing it before just giving up. A good therapist would more than likely first want to eliminate any physical causes before starting any therapy.
The reason I encourage you to take some action is while it may not be a big issue for you it could well be for your spouse & become a source of great contintion down the road. I found another website that deals with sexless marriage. Not generally one I recommend because the people can be very negative. But they have over 10,000 members. A little over half of them are female who have a spouse who have lost their drive. So it does happen with some men as well. But to read of the pain that both the husbands & the wives are going through because of this is heartbreaking. Both who go through this have dealt with feelings of rejection, feeling unloved, feeling undesirable & much more. No amount of reasurrence from their spouse can convince them that they are still desirable. What it has done to their self esteme & feeling of self worth is awful.
Many have lived with this for years on end. Most after some time finally just give up & start to loose any desire that they themselves had for their spouse. Most have pretty much checked out of the marriage but stay until the kids grow up. Several just recently left either after the kids moved out or just couldn’t deal with the feelings of rejection any more. So while I understand the feeling you are having you may want to check into why you feel this way. If this goes on for years then the damage that can be done will be to far gone to repair. Best of luck & I wish you many happy years of wedded bliss.
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