Comments on: Sex advice: how to overcome sexual abuse

By: Lisa

Lisa — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 19:14:08 +0000

I believe forgiveness is a personal issue. No one has experienced another person’s life, so preaching forgiveness seems presumptuous to me.
Would you encourage a Holocaust victim to forgive Hitler, you know, for her own benefit? Hopefully not, and that applies to anyone’s private life.
What needs to be emphasized is the safe expression and validation of the anger and hatred. This would reduce the epidemic of cutting among survivors.
Some people don’t even consider forgiveness an issue, either way, it’s each person’s own private business.

By: anon

anon — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 02:47:07 +0000

Thank you. I needed to read this. Especially the part about taking back the power of your own vagina. Mine sometimes hurts as if it is stressed (like tense shoulder muscles but down between my legs) this can happen simply by sex being on tv, walking past a sex shop, trying to touch myself, if I feel sexually advanced on by a man, if I am exposed to porn and sometimes when I read erotic fiction. That’s the toughest part. My body literally feels painful years later. The thing is with the right man and the right timing and basically when one of those guys who has read The Game and is a master at seduction, I only feel pleasure and it’s such a joy! But these men learn that level of seduction skill so they can be promiscuous. So it then reinforces my worthless/damaged goods thinking if I do have sex with them. At the moment, as tempting as it is on the very rare occasion that such a man crosses my path and makes all that effort, I am staying single and waiting until I am ready. It’s like I’m a virgin again, but not a horny one like I was when I was a teen, a bit of a sad one to be honest! But I have decided to wait for the special person. Speaking of which, the first person I told about what happened my ‘so-called best friend’ at the time told me “at least now you won’t think you’re invincible!” so, I didn’t talk about it after that. I belittled what happened to myself as if it was casual. The next time it happened, I told a boyfriend and he said I had “crocodile tears”. So I pretty much learned that no one else was going to validate what had happened to me. I blame(d) myself for it anyway. It wasn’t violent, so I convinced myself that it didn’t count. But it did.
Thank you for posting this up for people like me to find. It’s better to hear it from someone who knows, rather than some clinical ‘expert’. I’m sorry this had to happen to you, but thank you for helping me.

By: Randi Ritchie

Randi Ritchie — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 00:02:23 +0000

I so appreciate your post! I went through a divorce years ago and started having flashbacks of being abused as a child. I experienced so many of the feelings you talked about. I tried counseling but didn’t want to rehash it or try to recall all the details. It was too painful. So I just tried to forget it. Fast forward years later…I got married and wasn’t happy. I couldn’t connect with my husband and felt bitterness and resentment deep inside and had serious trust issues. Also, I didn’t really think I had any worth. Like I was only good for sex. I reached a point where my pain was so intense that I really just wanted to die. So I began a search to heal. I found emotional release techniques and energy healing. I become a sponge and started getting certified in as many modalities as I could find. And I began healing the pain inside. Today I KNOW who I am and I actually LOVE myself! Over the last few years I have worked with hundreds of clients to heal the emotional wounds they have from Abuse. I am just launching my website (long over due I know). http://www.randiritchie.com. It will be up and running by next week (crossing my fingers). The biggest thing I’ve found is that those of us who have been abused in any way (sexual, physical, emotional, or verbal abuse) start seeing ourselves and our lives from a ‘tainted’ perspective. We start believing LIES about ourselves. The biggest key to healing is recognizing and finding the lies we believe and replacing them with Truth. What I know, with absolute certainty, is that healing can take place without leaving a scar. Thanks again for sharing your experience of regaining your power. You are an inspiration!

By: Gladys

Gladys — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 21:00:21 +0000

Thank you for pointing out that you don’t have to be “the central park jogger” or have experienced a HUGE assault to be severely affected by abuse. That is a very empowering statement that I have struggled with making myself believe. Whenever I have shared my story I always find myself making a type of “disclaimer” statement letting the listener know,” I wasn’t raped or anything” as if being raped is the only real abuse and everything else is just short of it.
Your story and your characterization of it really make me feel empowered and I hope other women who have felt that they weren’t assaulted or abused “enough to count” will also finally feel recognized!!!

By: Alisa Bowman

Alisa Bowman — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 11:13:11 +0000

Dear Karen–

You are so young that I can help but think that part of the problem is that the guys you are with perhaps still ought not to be trusted. Men become so much more sensitive and gentle as they get older. I didn’t know my husband when he was a teen, but I ask him about this theory of mine and he often confirms it. I don’t preach abstinence or anything like that, but for you I think focusing on your education and building self esteem and confidence right now is what’s most important. When you meet someone that you want to maintain a long term relationship with, then it’s time to work on these other issues.

By: karen

karen — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 05:00:24 +0000

Alisa,

Thank you for sharing your story it is very empowering. When i was younger I was seually and it really did change my life. I am only 16 but I still have trouble being with a guy and feeling safe. However I did meet someone and I want to be able to feel safe with him but I can’t because i still think he is going to hurt me even though I know he won’t. I really want to let go so me and him can be happy but I Can’t. I just keep holding back. Can you help?

By: Shekenya Harris

Shekenya Harris — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 19:30:26 +0000

Hello, Alisa!

Thanks for sharing this article with us. I am a SURVIVOR of sexual abuse(child) as well and I feel that it is important to get our experience out so that it can help others. This post is very valuable to people who have yet taken their life back.

I don’t blog about it; however, I share my story and past struggles through my books. My first book helps parents discuss sexual abuse, it’s affects, and how to report it with their children. I hope that it can save someone’s child from experiencing such a thing or help them to overcome it.

I would like to know if it’s ok for me to feature some of you content on my networking site for sexual abuse survivors?

Thanks,
Shekenya

By: Naffy

Naffy — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 13:20:39 +0000

My own case is very different to all others cuz i was raped by armrobbers when i was still small…….please what do u tink i can do to get over it and forget it totally in my head

By: Lia Marie

Lia Marie — Sat, 14 May 2011 02:36:40 +0000

hi i guess i don’t know how to get over all things that have happened to me. i just am so exsited that i at long last i got the man of my dreams. but i’m teriffied because i realized that i’ve been repeatedly abused for as long as i remember. as a child as a teen and as an adult now. i’ve been raped 3 times now over my life and abused as a child. i’m afrid because i know i can’t just relax during sex. i want to let go and enjoy it but as soon as a man trys to make me feel good i stop him and try to please him. it’s like the only way i can feel and pleaser is while giving not reciveing. i guess it’s because i’m in control or something. but this guy makes my heart sing and i’ve waited to be with him for close to 4yrs. he’s tried to have sex with me but i’m holding off because i want that to be amazing. i know he understands because i mentioned what happend to me but he is a man and won’t wait forever. i just want to really feel the whole exprieance properly. i can’t never reach orgasm and i want that with him so bad. what can i do i have tried everything as well. gosh i’ve been a real working domnatix, i’ve talked it out with people. i’ve even looked the men that did it to me in the face and they told me they were sorry them selves and i forgave them. for god sake i work at sex shop and help people everyday how to have a great sex life. what am i not doing right??? i want to resolve this before i take that step and i really want to figure this mess out sooner then later. please can anyone help me?

By: Tom S

Tom S — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 11:51:51 +0000

My wife and I have been in marriage counseling for over 3 years. I’ve gone to group and one on one for the same amount of time. I know that my wife is gift from God to find out about all the louse stuff about myself. I know that my wife has the worst and best of what my Mother & Father were.

Intimacy was never on my radar, I did what my Father taught me which was just the opposite of what a husband is suppose to do. And now after 26 years of marriage, I’ve shared my what I feared most from my childhood, being raped by a family member at 12. Exploring sex with my 1st cousin and thinking I raped her when what we really were doing was finding out about sex. Just letting those things off my chest with my wife and counselor made a huge difference. Not having any hidden fears is so uplifting, for once I know that I am not alone and that others like me have had the same done to them.

Now intimacy is on my radar, everything I read says to fight tooth and nail for your marriage. Even if your spouse doesn’t want to and finds sex with a husband which had affairs over 11 years ago is going to be on her; held hostage and sh*t list no matter how hard he works on changing.

I attend SAA meetings every week, I mentor and sponsor other sex addicts. I’ve worked a 12 step program. My wife refuses to talk about my addiction and the past. I refuse to give up but there comes a time when if your spouse refuses to try to talk about past hurts and fears that you have to decide; do you stay or go. No deserves to be in a relationship which they are unhappy. I have huge abandonment & shame issues, but my wife didn’t give them to me my Mother and Father did.

I know my wife was sexually abuse but she won’t talk about it. It’s really sad now that I know what your suppose to do and share in a marriage and it might be too late.

Feed back from anyone might be helpful