My man is never in the mood! Help!
Q: My husband and I get along fine day to day, but we don’t have sex very often. I am talking once per 3-week period, and there is no lack of trying on my part. It seems he is always excited before I go to work, but when I come home and have been thinking about it all day, he isn’t interested. I just can’t seem to get him in the mood. What is wrong with me?
—Very Frustrated
Dear Very Frustrated,
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, although I do understand why you are quick to blame yourself. Whenever our men give us the brush off, most of us women start to think, “What’s wrong? Isn’t he attracted to me anymore? Are my boobs getting too saggy? Is it the cellulite? Do I need to go on a diet? Should I get waxed? Boob implants? What?”
Without talking to your husband, I can’t know for sure what’s wrong, but I suspect it’s one of the following:
He has a low sex drive. He’s probably always had a low sex drive. You could look like Cheryl Cole. You could install a pole in your bedroom and use it to do a nightly strip tease. You could wear liquid latex. It doesn’t matter. He’ll want to do it roughly once every three weeks.
He has erectile dysfunction. Most men wake with a boner, which is why your husband is probably a bit frisky in the morning. If something is wrong with his plumbing, the morning might be the only time he doesn’t experience equipment failure.
He’s taking care of business when you are not around. Maybe he’s addicted to porn and is repeatedly whacking off during the day when you are at work. Or maybe he’s having an affair. Or maybe he’s gay and you are his beard. None of these scenarios are likely, but they are all possible.
He’s going through a depression or a very stressful transition. This could temporarily affect his sex drive.
There are many other possible explanations, too, from side effects of a medicine he might be taking to the fact that he may really be a sadist and like to get you all horned up just so he can see the look of frustration on your face.
There’s only one way to find out why he keeps brushing you off. Ask him. You’ll have to do this calmly and with a lot of sensitivity. A woman asking a man why he’s never in the mood for sex is like a man asking a woman why her butt is so big.
You may need to have more than one conversation. Just be supportive, saying things like, “I just want to understand,” and “I really want us to have a healthy sex life. Can you help me understand what’s wrong? I love you and I want to be able to connect with you.” You might even ask, “Is it me?” He probably has no idea that your sexual self-esteem is taking a beating. This knowledge could help him to open up.
If you can’t get him to open up at all, you might suggest that the two of you see a sex therapist.
No matter what is wrong, try to stay solution focused. For instance, let’s say he has a low sex drive. Try to find ways to meet in the middle. Perhaps he can pleasure you once a week (manually, orally, with a toy… the options are endless). Once every few weeks you have traditional sex, when he’s up for it. Pun intended.
If he has erectile dysfunction, then he needs to see a urologist. The good news about this? Erectile dysfunction is usually treatable. There’s medication for it. You also might try shifting your routine so you can take part in morning sex, especially if that’s when he’s best able to perform.
I think you get the idea. Define the problem, then make a project out of finding a solution, one that works for both of you.
Do you have advice for Very Frustrated? Leave a comment.
Note to my regular fans: No blog Friday. I’ll be at the American Society for Journalists and Authors annual conference, speaking about social media. I’ll be back Monday with Part 5 of this Sex Advice Series: how to have orgasms regularly and easily. Read Sex Advice Part 1.
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Tags: Sex advice
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Maybe your husband is just a “morning person” when it comes to sex. Although I hate mornings and am a late riser…I know I prefer to be intimate in the morning after my shower and before I get dressed for the day. Try getting up 30 minutes earlier and get things going and see if maybe he is a morning person. Maybe the details of the day/work-life get him exhausted by the time you get home from work.
Also, if you go out on “date night” try being intimate before you go out instead of after. My Significant Other and I tried that (after reading it in a magazine) and it worked out great. We weren’t tired, or full of food/drinks/dessert and it was great knowing we had been “naughty” prior to going out.
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:35 pm
I would be happy if he wanted it anytime. We rarely are intimate more than twice a month. We talk about it and he says he is in a slump. Well the slump has pretty much been for 5 of the 6 years we have been together. Every now and then a high point but then right back into the slump. I love him so I live with it but it is frustrating. It is like complete role reversal. I am forever begging and he is forever saying no.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
Christina, I feel your pain. My wife and your husband have something in common. Alisa has a lot of good information in this blog. Read up, like I am, and have hope. Oh, and a good dose of patience is good for the soul. If I am able to get my wife to increase her sexual appetite, and you are able to get your husband to increase his, utilizing the tools, techniques and advice that is presented in this blog, then it is worth something.
August 14th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Take care of the problem soon. If not you will realize that it has been 15 years and the sex has dwindled to twice a year or maybe even once, and the resentment builds even though you remember that you really cared for that person once. How could an insatiable sex appetite go this far wrong? Family casualties, depression, job pressures, blood pressure meds, sleep disorder, and many other problems are to blame but the lack of competent help seems to be the real tragedy. It’s hard for a man to admit a problem, find a decent therapist or counselor and actually improve his own outlook. Just don’t let the problem go unattended too long.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
My husband is the same way. It’s been going on for almost our whole marriage. The beginning was good (like beginnings usually are) but it started dwindling. Now it is a once a week thing. And if it happens more than once a week, I am surprised. I am probably not sensitive enough to whatever issue he is having, I’m just so damn frustrated. So try to be sensitive, because not being sensitive has definitely not worked for me. I’m so scared that a couple of years down the road, we will only do it on special occasions or something. I don’t feel emotionally close to him AT ALL anymore. So if you are feeling the lack of emotional connection, definitely try being sensitive to what he is feeling, I am sure going to try it now.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:29 am
I have the same problem. Even doing a strip tease does Nothing for my man. He doesn’t look at porn, thinks it’s stupid. I asked him if it were due to his “morals.” He says he doesn’t know why he doesn’t have the “urge” very often. I know he’s not gay… that disgusts him. (Because of his values and morals.) HELP???
October 10th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
I’m thinking of separate bedrooms. If you could imagine our extensive, wonderful sex life in the beginning, it is sad to know that the state of our relationship has suffered right along with our lack of sex life now. I don’t want to sleep in our bed because the rejection is just too hard. Night after night without a touch, a hug or anything just makes me so sad, and sometimes just mad. I don’t even mention it anymore. What’s the use? I would try different approaches before and he would always seem interested but never follow through. Every New Years Day he would vow to do better but then it just never changed. One New Years I just asked for a little more hand-holding and a hug once in a while. I’ve never wanted to pressure him since his son died. There’s always stress at work or depression or whatever. He’s a good guy but sex is the farthest thing from his mind. Don’t let this happen to you.
November 23rd, 2009 at 6:06 pm
hi!
My husband and I had awesome sex before we got married, and like all of you it pretty much was non existent after a year of being married. I had no idea what was wrong, then of course I just started blaming myself. i tried different approaches, to the extent that when were out with his friends I would say horrible comments just to see that if I push him down he would come up and change. I was wrong, nothing did. It just got worse. I tried to talk to him about it, and he said that its not my fault and that its his, I asked him if there was anything I could do. Theres nothing I could do, I almost gave up. Last night I asked him if he wanted to do the deed after we left his friends house, and out of the blue we started talking about his feelings and why were having issues. I know he does not have any issue getting a boner, its just his always stressed out and not in the mood, and sometimes that we are doing it, I just never feel connected to him anymore. I am very surprised that last night he wanted me to look for help. He said he is willing to accept help just to help our marriage. We love each other so much and I am willing to wait until he gets better. The problem is we don’t know who and how to get help from. If anyone has any suggestion please let me know. I am desperate, we are desperate…
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Hey Kim,
I would suggest a check up with his medical doctor to see if he has a problem. It might just be a question of mild depression or anxiety over the pressures of job or life in general. In that case maybe a mild mood enhancer might help. I am happy to report that my husband finally asked his doctor about some help after my encouragement, and she put him on Wel-butrin. That seems to have improved his outlook a little and we actually had sex once on our vacation last week. There have been several vacations where nothing happened. That is sad when you come home from vacation and realize once again you missed out on a great opportunity. Anyway, I’m optimistic that things may get better. It’s November and we have gotten it right twice this year!
January 1st, 2010 at 12:29 pm
Hi,
It’s nice to hear I’m not the only one with this problem. My husband and I have been married for 6 years, sex used to be fun and adventureous. But after 2 kids, I have to beg for sex. My husband used to initiate sex but now I feel that I have to do all the work. He’s never in the mood anymore!
I’ve always had an insatiable appetite for sex and he knows that. Sex nowadays seemed like a chore to him. Where did I go wrong?
March 25th, 2010 at 4:29 pm
Hello, I have this same problem. My husband was never a have sex all the time kind of guy but the last couple of years his sex drive is nil. We talk about it he says he’ll try harder (no pun intended) goes good for two weeks or so and then bam it’s like I’m not even there. Standing in front of him naked doesn’t do any thing, I ask if he needs me to wash his back in the shower and he says no the shower isn’t big enough. We use to shower together all the time.
I know he is on several medications that have “that” side effect, and he is over 50 and testosterone drops. He won’t go talk to his doctor about it because he is embarrassed. (That is what happens when you go to a doctor you graduated with). I told him he could see my doctor. He won’t go.
Not only does he have hardly any sex drive he is addicted to the tv. I swear he is. first thing in the morning TV goes on. He comes home from work, TV goes on. If I happen to be watching something when he comes home, he takes the remote and changes the channel.
Last night he was rubbing my back like he wanted to get it on, and he was rubbing me all over and the tv was on. I said “um didn’t you forget something?” he said “I wasn’t watching it.” most people lay and snuggle or smoke or something like that after sex.
My husband turns the TV back on.
Yes, the tv is in our bedroom and I know that is bad. But that is where he wants it, it’s his tv, he paid for it and he deserves to watch it where ever he wants. and I agree with him to an extent. We’ve talked about it before how the TV bothers me and it should be off when we do our thing. So it isn’t like he doesn’t know it bothers me.
So I’m frustrated, even if I just got more rubbing my shoulders or snuggling and not even sex that would be fine. That doesn’t happen either.
I do have my own toy but it isn’t the same as the physical contact. and doesn’t give you the feeling that it adores you. You know what I mean?
so im frustrated and don’t know what to do. We had set sunday as OUR day. worked for like two weeks, and I hate to have to remind him. It’s like nagging to get sex and that isn’t the way it should be.
Please give me some suggestions of what I can do.
thanks
April 4th, 2010 at 7:41 am
I have the same preoblem, its been 2 years now that i have got married and there has not been a day that i haven’t begged my man for sex, mostly he says a complete no, by saying that he is busy or he doesn’t feel like having a sex or he is very stressed to have sex and fights with me saying that i am a whore who has an unending demand for sex. this really frustrates me, a few times when he agrees to have sex, he comes so quick that i dont even understand that wether we had sex or not. In the latest he has stopped kissing me as well with a bullshit excuse that his lips are so chapped that it really hurts him to kiss me….please suggest me what to do…HELP ME!!!!!!!
July 26th, 2010 at 10:12 pm
I am so sad most days. My husband doesn’t want to have sex with me at all. I have gained weight recently and feel bad about myself. He says he loves me but I doubt his love when he pushes me away. We have sex probably no more than 2 times a year.