My man is never in the mood! Help!

Q: My husband and I get along fine day to day, but we don’t have sex very often. I am talking once per 3-week period, and there is no lack of trying on my part. It seems he is always excited before I go to work, but when I come home and have been thinking about it all day, he isn’t interested. I just can’t seem to get him in the mood. What is wrong with me?

—Very Frustrated

Dear Very Frustrated,

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, although I do understand why you are quick to blame yourself. Whenever our men give us the brush off, most of us women start to think, “What’s wrong? Isn’t he attracted to me anymore? Are my boobs getting too saggy? Is it the cellulite? Do I need to go on a diet? Should I get waxed? Boob implants? What?”

Without talking to your husband, I can’t know for sure what’s wrong, but I suspect it’s one of the following:

He has a low sex drive.
He’s probably always had a low sex drive. You could look like Cheryl Cole. You could install a pole in your bedroom and use it to do a nightly strip tease. You could wear liquid latex. It doesn’t matter. He’ll want to do it roughly once every three weeks.

He has erectile dysfunction.
Most men wake with a boner, which is why your husband is probably a bit frisky in the morning. If something is wrong with his plumbing, the morning might be the only time he doesn’t experience equipment failure.

He’s taking care of business when you are not around.
Maybe he’s addicted to porn and is repeatedly whacking off during the day when you are at work. Or maybe he’s having an affair. Or maybe he’s gay and you are his beard. None of these scenarios are likely, but they are all possible.

He’s going through a depression or a very stressful transition.
This could temporarily affect his sex drive.

There are many other possible explanations, too, from side effects of a medicine he might be taking to the fact that he may really be a sadist and like to get you all horned up just so he can see the look of frustration on your face.

There’s only one way to find out why he keeps brushing you off. Ask him. You’ll have to do this calmly and with a lot of sensitivity. A woman asking a man why he’s never in the mood for sex is like a man asking a woman why her butt is so big.

You may need to have more than one conversation. Just be supportive, saying things like, “I just want to understand,” and “I really want us to have a healthy sex life. Can you help me understand what’s wrong? I love you and I want to be able to connect with you.” You might even ask, “Is it me?” He probably has no idea that your sexual self-esteem is taking a beating. This knowledge could help him to open up.

If you can’t get him to open up at all, you might suggest that the two of you see a sex therapist.

No matter what is wrong, try to stay solution focused. For instance, let’s say he has a low sex drive. Try to find ways to meet in the middle. Perhaps he can pleasure you once a week (manually, orally, with a toy… the options are endless). Once every few weeks you have traditional sex, when he’s up for it. Pun intended.

If he has erectile dysfunction, then he needs to see a urologist. The good news about this? Erectile dysfunction is usually treatable. There’s medication for it. You also might try shifting your routine so you can take part in morning sex, especially if that’s when he’s best able to perform.

I think you get the idea. Define the problem, then make a project out of finding a solution, one that works for both of you.

Do you have advice for Very Frustrated? Leave a comment.

Note to my regular fans: No blog Friday. I’ll be at the American Society for Journalists and Authors annual conference, speaking about social media.  I’ll be back Monday with Part 5 of this Sex Advice Series: how to have orgasms regularly and easily. Read Sex Advice Part 1.

124 comments… add one

  • justagirl March 24, 2013, 9:13 pm

    Hi folks, I am 21, my man is 26 and we have been together 2 years, lived together the whole relationship, we plan to get married in a year from now. Sex started off every 2nd day but has now dwindled to every 2/3 weeks, he refuses to open up about it and obviously gets annoyed when I beg, he says ‘stop asking and maybe it will happen’. Of course I have tried that and it doesn’t work at all. I am starting to consider asking a doctor but I just don’t see him going for that idea. Any suggestions?

    • militarywife May 3, 2013, 4:32 am

      I hate ‘stop asking and maybe it will happen’ That was all I ever heard, and so I tried and it Never happened. Literally, almost 2 months.
      I would say talking to a doctor is a good idea, but sometimes it can make it worse. I had anger issues towards my husband for a while and started going to therapy to try and find the reason… (I was blowing up over Everything, even things that weren’t even something to be angry with) and the doctor gave me a ton of advice and my husband didn’t really do any of it, but realizing why I was freaking out made it easier to stop doing it, but now I’m bottling up legitimate frustrations that he won’t try and help things get back to getting fun..
      If you don’t think he will take advice, I would suggest the idea to him before doing it for sure.

  • Unhappy June 15, 2013, 7:39 pm

    Ive been withy man for three years and we moved in together just under 4 months ago.
    Our sex life Has never been very good.
    I’m always in the mood while my partner always has some kind of excuse for not wanting to be with me sexually. We’ve had sex twice since moving in together. This is an example of how often we have sex.
    I am 35 and we are talking of having a baby. I’m not sure how that will ever happen if we don’t have sex.
    He says that I need to lose weight to have a baby, which I know is not true, I’m only a size 16 and I’ve been to my GP and they’ve said I’m very healthy.
    I’ve never felt so shit about myself in my life, I’m having problems at work and I’m not talking to my mother. I’m not in a good place right now.
    I’ve tried to talk to my partner about all of this, I sometimes can’t stop crying, it’s embarrassing. My GP says that taking anti depressant tablets when trying to fall pregnant isn’t good. Although I don’t want to take them, it’s not me whose making my life so shit, it’s the people around me.
    I have thought about taking my own life. But I’d miss the people I love. And I’ll never have my baby, if that ever happens. If it doesn’t happen it’s possible I will take my own life.

    • bored July 18, 2013, 8:56 am

      Dont ever take your own life! No man is ever worth that!!! I relate to how u feel, but trust me he isnt worth it!! Have you told him how you feel? Why is he wanting to wait a year to get married for? Maybe he is the wrong guy for you. If a man respects and loves you he wont let you feel this way. I would definately wait on having baby if things are the way they are now, having a child with him will make things worse. I wished you and I could talk personally, we have soo much in common and I relate all to well with your situation.

    • me October 7, 2013, 2:51 pm

      “you need to loose weight before we can have a baby” sounds a lot like “you need to loose weight so i’ll become more sexually attracted to you.” not trying to be a jerk – i love women of all shapes and sizes, and most definitely when they’re rockin it at size 16 (bet you have a nice butt) – just offering a guy’s perspective. he’s probably a douche anyway, maybe gay.

    • kayla January 25, 2015, 10:19 am

      Don’t do it, don’t have a baby! It wont change anything just make it worse. If anything he is just using you to have a child. After you have a baby he wont want anything to do you, and try to take it from you. Move out, get away a find someone who loves you the way you are!

    • Hopeful January 7, 2016, 7:52 am

      First take a step back. You said it’s not yiu making your life shit, but every one around you. That is a bug red flag right there. You can never control what others do, but yiu can control how you react to it. You are chosing to live miserably. Take charge and chose to let yourself be happy. Learn to only see the positives in life. Everyone and I mean everyone had hardships going on in thier lives. You just don’t see it before people chose not to focus on the bad. They see the good and fight to only see the good and hope for the best. It is all in your mind. You need to fight yourself to get better.

  • Tony Williams July 17, 2013, 10:39 am

    Sometimes I just want my wife to iniate things. Because its more often that I am in the mood and I am the initiator. And she reaches cimax a lot more often than I do. Which may mean something’s wrong with me because I don’t know many other men with this issue. Also I feel like sex is all about my wife . There have been times where during intercourse ill ask for something and either shell say no or she does the position or activity I ask for it doesn’t last long due to her becoming fatigued. I’d really just like some role reversal. Where she just comes home and initiates and shows that she actually wants me physically, but I suppose I should be sharing this with her instead of ranting in the Internet.

    • someone who's been there September 8, 2013, 8:07 pm

      Sometimes ranting on the internet can be quite a release! I can understand where you are coming from. With my husband…we never have sex (which is why I found this site) but when we do Actually, I am the one who is initiating it. Always. I think in the couple years we have been married, he has twice. So, I am slowly losing any interest in even having sex anymore. I mean, my appetite is still very healthy, but to get the motivation to put in all the effort to make it happen just isn’t worth it at all anymore. Being told no, to doing Anything for months tears me down too much!

    • jake December 17, 2013, 6:26 am

      I get it man! We’re dudes though and that’s not going to help us but I do get it. My wife needs to initiate with more than “laughable” force at times. I HAVE to know she wants it and that can be enough to drive me to home base but. . . .She seems to think when I go to bed out of exhaustion is the only possible time to ask ….. I bet I do look pretty lame at those moments

      • Darrell March 6, 2015, 11:07 am

        I totally understand. I’m struggling with this myself . I love my wife and find her attractive, but I’m often stressed and have chronic sinusitis so Im constantly blowing my nose. The only time she ever seems to think of sex is when I plop on the bed and call it quits for the night .

  • jake August 6, 2013, 8:51 am

    I have a beautiful wife and we have a fantastic working relationship (by that I mean we share in the entire workload of keeping our home tip-top and keeping appointments). I do not have a drug problem, I do not masturbate to porn when in the middle of an *issue (to be explained) when all is well I am extremely attracted to my wife; even when things are bad she is “it” in my universe. It has been my experience that I have some strange libido cycle that sometimes confuses and hurts my wife’s feelings. Every couple of weeks I’ll have a week long stretch where I have to have her in the morning, and in the evening of the same day so frequently she has to tell me one day we have to stop so she can heal up for the next romp. She of course loves the closeness, the intercourse, the fulfillment, attention, and everything else that comes with it so at these times she’s glowing. Once this dies down I’ll have this *issue where no matter if she puts porn in front of me, puts on a naughty outfit, tries to give me a blowjob, etc I’m not going to feel even slightly interested in sex and this “mood” can last unexplained in me for a couple of weeks. While it’s occurring there will be several instances of her trying to excite me to get frisky, and I have to turn her down with next to no explanation, or something made up quick; I also often leave the bed to escape the awkward silence afterwards. I wish I knew what to do. I don’t want her to have the fears some of the women here seem to materialize in their minds. I came to this site because I’m searching for answers since last night was one of those nights. I want her to know I want her but my sidekick isn’t in the game and neither is the libido.

    • someone who's been there September 8, 2013, 8:10 pm

      I wish there was some way to know if this is what is up with my husband. I know, from the past going through his phone, that he at least used to look at porn all the time. He has always denied it, which is whatever. He “swears he doesn’t look at it anymore” which is ridiculous to me, I mean, to be honest, even I look at porn sometimes… but regardless…There was a 3 week period 2 years ago where my husband and I were going at it, all the time, and it had been dead for a year and a half, but then after that 3 weeks…we are back to once a month at the very MOST. I am even fine just messing around..but oh’s to a very long marriage

    • girlwstrongdrive December 13, 2013, 12:18 pm

      I wonder if my guy feels this way. I have a strong sex drive…I love sex with my partner. He is great in bed but I want more. I told him from the get go that sex is very important for me. He has a rule, no sex when his child is with us(he has joint custody and we have her 3-5 days a week) so since im a sex-every-day-girl, I compromise. But, it has gotten to, the days we don’t have her with us, he’s to tired for me. Im ready but he would say he’s too tired and not in the mood…I ask for him to meet my needs in other ways but he says im being selfish and not thinking of him. Help…what do I do?

      • jake December 17, 2013, 5:51 am

        Look, I’m getting better these days, what it took for me is freedom and less pressure. I’m sure that’s a difficult environment for a “frisky” wife to create, but I sort of needed time to re-examine what turns ME on. I made it about my wife so long that I wasn’t concerned any longer about where I was mentally and eventually it became a workload of pleasing her. I’m by no means a porn star all of a sudden but maybe if you did what you can to let him be “comfortably turned on” (a different headspace for those who don’t understand) and into his own agenda morning, noon, or night that may help. Be receptive, if your man feels you up at 1pm and that’s not your normal romp time, suggest that you do it now, especially if you feel he’s hard. If you grope your man and he isn’t aroused just wait, maybe he’s having THAT issue. When he is, Carpe Diem! Maybe if YOU took YOUR man at 1:30 in the afternoon in the master bath while he IS hard you’d get a different experience. Ladies, I’m not trying to say you haven’t tried everything. I applaud you for not cheating. There is hope. He needs a fire and it sounds like neither of you are feeling to heated up.

      • JustHelping February 18, 2016, 4:49 pm

        I get the same thing. But maybe you should invest in a toy?

    • Confused December 29, 2015, 3:30 am

      I am confuse. My partner, 29, has been not in the mood for 2 weeks now and we were never like this. We use to do it regularly and when he became very busy at work we do it 1-2 times a week. When we dont do it for a week, he always tell me that he crave for it anf that he cant wait for that night we are both free. And when we meet, sex waz great. But now that he is not busy, i wonder why he sudddenly cant even get up. We tried it on tuesday and it lasted for 10mins (we usuallt do 20-30). So obviously i wasnt satisfied but i just carry on. 3 fays after that, we tried it and he keeps going jelly after few mins.
      Now the whole week, we didnt even tried. I ask him yesterday but he said “sorry I cant do it. I just cant” im scared he is watching porn because before this happened, 3 weeks ago, he mentioned that he has this fav porn star when he was in late teens to early 20s. Was deeply affected by him not being sensitive about sharing that. Pls help. I am getting really frustrating by not getting it. I miss him alot. I miss being intimate with him and i miss us being excited about it.

    • Linda June 1, 2016, 5:52 am

      This is what my fiance is doing…Sometimes it seems he can’t get enough of me finding a reason to touch me or initiate or can’t get enough…then like this month we’ve only has sex twice and once I had to ask for it, the other was a quickie and I got nothing out of it…we are getting married in less then 7 weeks and I’m not happy with no sex life. My first thought is he getting it from someone else. But he swears he’s never cheated . I’m a good looking woman with good body and send him pictures all the time at different times of day to surprise him. But usually get no reaction. So it does play mind games with you as a woman if you’re mans not into it.

  • Me August 21, 2013, 8:37 am

    I deal with the same thing from my husband. I’m still not completely sure what it is, but I feel I am close to figuring it out. We had a great sex life until I got pregnant. I blamed frequent arguments and lack of attraction with my changing body on the reason. However my baby is over a year old now and our sex life is still blah. But I’ll explain. Long story short, I was planning a wedding with a baby and my fiancé left. The entire time we were split up, he wanted to get in my pants. He didn’t know why he really left besides the fact that he wasn’t happy and couldn’t be the man I needed. So he couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to get back with me. We had sex all of the time and he even planned a surprise wedding behind my back. A month into out marriage and here we are with a declining sex life AGAIN. Then I found out he searched for “why can’t I get an erection for my wife” on his phone and then porn immediately afterwards. It hurt my feelings and I won’t tell him I found it, but I have noticed somewhat of a connection. When I am trying to repair the relationship and keep it intimate and close, he pulls away but when I am distant, he tries to get close with me.

    And I will add that we are in our mid 20s and I am not at all boring in the bedroom. He is. Boring in the bedroom and when we do have sex he says “okay want some? Get on” and if I say “can u not try to put me in the mood or be romantic” he says “look if u want some shut up and get on” it’s painful and pisses me off and then he cums in like 30 seconds and I get nothing out of it.

    Over all conclusion to me thus far is that if your man feels that you NEED him, it’s not attractive. If he feels like you are nagging, it’s not attractive. Of course I feel like he puts me in that position and by me loving him I don’t feel I NEED him but I think it comes off like that. So now I’m battling how to approach this situation but I’ve decided to always be independent this day forward and act in interested. Men like to chase and I obviously haven’t been giving him a chase so ill wear a smile and play hard to get and uninterested and we will see if me splaying his role changes this around

    Guys what’s your opinion? I think men don’t like it easy and if it comes easy, they feel they can do better and men don’t like that feeling for their egos

    • jake December 17, 2013, 6:11 am

      Your man sucks. There is better. If all that you say is truthful, so is my response.

  • JvS September 5, 2013, 8:57 am

    Hi guys…

    A Heloo all the way from South Africa (Cape Town)…Been reading all your comments and very interesting…I’m 26 years old and very much into sex…If I don’t get it I’m frustrated and moody…but I’m going through some stuff at work and somehow during sex my erection just fade away…and I try to make it up with oral and my girl LOVES it but I’m loosing out in the process and this is frustrating me…

    I don’t want to use anything but I also don’t want to look weak by not getting it up. And I just want to “cum” for a change…I’ve been watching porn and that helps abit but that is like a replacement for the real deal…

    Any advice/Help Please????!

    • jake December 17, 2013, 6:15 am

      “make sure” you’re straight. If that works for you, and you’re still into your girlfriend you have to get back into that deprived male state, where the thought, sight, smell, taste, touch, might just set you off into a killer frenzy, and then two deep breaths, go to her, smell her, want her, touch her, show her, taste her, and if she’s willing take her. Remember you are an animal, let your beast lead the way. Other thoughts in your head, bills, business, family, need a different place to be while you please your woman. Try making it more playful and less forced, no demand, just lovers fooling about. You’ll see when you mix the animal. Don’t fret.

    • kris April 12, 2015, 7:19 pm

      Stop using porn JvS.
      Research porn induced erectile dysfunction.
      Porn when used regularly can make men impotent.

  • Brandi September 27, 2013, 11:07 pm

    Hi I’m 34 my boyfriend is 39 we been together 3 yrs he always touching me teasing me sometimes he makes me cum but why don’t he want sex ? He say it’s because of low sex drive but if that’s the case why he touching me teasing me I’m about to go nuts I love him but I want sex really bad

    • jake December 17, 2013, 6:17 am

      Test him with a BI moment. If he goes for a guy voraciously during a 3some . . . . he just doesn’t know it yet but that’s why.

  • girlwstrongdrive December 13, 2013, 12:36 pm

    I have a strong sex drive…I love sex with my partner. He is great in bed but I want more. I told him from the get go that sex is very important for me. He has a rule, no sex when his child is with us(he has joint custody and we have her 3-5 days a week) so since im a sex-every-day-girl, I compromise. But, it has gotten to, the days we don’t have her with us, he’s to tired for me. Im ready but he would say he’s too tired and not in the mood…I ask for him to meet my needs in other ways but he says im being selfish and not thinking of him. Help…what do I do?

    • jake December 17, 2013, 5:55 am


      It sounds like you know exactly what you want to do. Sex and love are SO different. You know what you’re looking for. He doesn’t. He looks out for the kids and that’s great. Good guy. You want something else.

  • jake December 17, 2013, 6:08 am

    Maybe, just maybe he got tired of the “work”.

    I’m not trying to make assumptions about anyone posting here, but if you just lie there during sex (because of fitness, weight, etc) that gets old.

    If you ask your husband for sex after a night of drinking, if I were him I’d say, “and just what part of that were you prepared to take part in?” If your plan is to lie down while the magic happens, that’s at least half your issue. Your lying there gets old after SO MANY YEARS.

    Learn to turn us on. Do something/anything besides just lying there and putting the entire outcome on us. Treat us like something new and naughty you want to impress in bed. Yeah, I’m sure the man can take a lesson from that too. Bonobo chimps are quite human, and quite promiscuous, a genetic trait we all share.

  • Confused June 5, 2014, 9:34 am

    I just came upon this page today and maybe I can get some help or advice from other people going through what I’m going through.

    My boyfriend and I used to be long distance. He’s from the states. We used to Skype every day and he would always be rearing to go. Always wanting me to put on little shows to help him cum. But now that he’s here in Canada, he never seems to want it. When we do have it, it’s great but I have to initiate it. Sometimes he helps me get off but I don’t want just masturbation all the time. But again..I have to half beg just for the ‘play time’. He does the whole, “Don’t ask and maybe it’ll happen.” thing that other were mentioning and it drives me crazy because I know that means it wont happen. Just a way to shut me up. I don’t understand the change. I know he has depression but the pills he’s on up his sex drive from what he tells me.

    With the ‘play time’, he feels he has to schedule it in kinda thing..and that gets old. Like it’s a chore. Surprise me with it…tease me up to the point where you’re actually going to give me the ‘play time’. I’m the only one who works right now as we’re waiting on his work visa, so I go to bed before him and he knows I enjoy being woken up to sex or in this case ‘play time.’

    Once a week, we smoke pot with a friend who visits and he enjoys sex then…and if we have a few drinks then he can get in the mood. But knowing he has to have drugs or alcohol in his system hurts. He says the alcohol counteracts whatever goes on in his brain..but I thought that’s what the pills were supposed to do. I don’t doubt his love for me as he paid lawyer fees and left his country to be with me. But the change in sex drive is so confusing when he knows how sexual of a person I am.

    We’ve talked about this before and that’s how we came up with ‘play time’. I was able to make him understand me needs with a smoking reference. I crave sexual release like he craves his cigarettes. And he seems to enjoy getting me off…but I need more. I need penis over fingers or toys. I don’t want to feel like a roommate he occasional sleeps with when the mood finally hits.

    Am I being to picky or needy? Any advice would be great.

  • Mechelle September 5, 2014, 3:11 am

    Well I go through the same thing. I literally BEG my husband for sex. He has two kids and works outside in the weather elements all day so I have had to learn to take that into consideration. I try to do spur of the moment sex but his excuse is always the kids the kids…… finally I sat him down and talked to him about it. Turned out he was cheating on me through sending sex pics to other women. Emotionally he was missing something and that in fact was hurting our sex life. Now I try and reassure him he’s sexy and I want him and I appreciate the things he does big and small. It helped our sex life alot. It won’t ever be what I want I know but it’s a step forward. Communication is key in this matter. Sometimes you are expecting to much from the other person and they from you and it makes things more difficult. Talk. That’s the only way to resolve it.

  • nilu September 14, 2014, 3:57 pm

    itz being 1 n half years i got married..frm d 1st mnth of mrg itself my hus is not showing nyinterest in sex…itz rare…3/4 tyms in a month..later it bcme 1 in a mnth…4 last 6 mnths my hus is gng tru treatment for character diff is der bt still our sex is a big prb…i used to try to make him sexy bt hez nt evn evn flng hot..i tried alot…he have errection disfunction too..i dono wat to do…

  • Angela October 8, 2014, 7:48 am

    Alright I need help!!! My finace and I have been together almost four years. He proposed after 4 months of dating. We constantly had sex the first year and half. When we got together I told him how I loved having sex, especially with him. Made me feel loved, alive and alot of other feelings. He was single for two years before we even started dating. He used to watch porn and the only reason I figured this iut is because his email notification popped up with its website and etc. When I found this I told him I wont be 2nd best to anything even porn! He was still trying to deny it and I understand you would feel ashamed to a point when you’ve denied something for so long then get caught red handed. So we move on..and past it. He was always touchy feely and made me feel beautiful and WANTED. BUT THEN its like he couldnt keep it hard. So for a year I put up with only make love, or havung sex when he found it working for him. So I said something to him about how I felt and he said hes is tired or not in the mood. He went to the dr and they gave him vigaria. At the time I was hilmutaded and felt like I was worthless. I couldn’t even get him hard or get him to show me any affection. I was crushed!! So I told him that if he couldnt get it up for me with outpills then it has to be something else. I know that people who really have low t has symptoms and signs. Not just laziness. He never even trys to show me. So 3 years later here we are. So finally ive had enough and I break. Instead of asking and getting shut down I demaned him to tell me what is going on. I have a right to feel wanted and beautiful. He is always gettin attention and love and affection from me when I get nothing. So I told him I cant keep doing it. Either he needs to figure it out or we need to split up. You want to know his response??… “nothing” he didnt day anything so I let a week past without talking to him again. And I try again and he said he dont know why he cant get it upor keep it hard. He dont know why he dont want to have sex or why he isnt in the mood to fuck me. He dont know anything it more and to stop asking because he dont know and left them room. I understand at that moment it isnt about sex anymore or wanting to feel wanted. It is all about him. He dont even care to want to figure it out. He dont care if I were to leave him or stay. He dont care about anything or anyone. And what is funny ive always joked with him saying how he dont really love me he just is with me because im here. I never saw how true this really way until this moment. Even when ive asked him about finally getting married he always pushes it off or says yes I do but not now… So now im confused on what to do. This is where I need advice. ..can someone please help me.

  • angela October 8, 2014, 8:00 am

    So i forgot to menton that i always beg for us to have sex. Im always having to ask because ive been turned down so many times that i feel like ive been squashed of my own free want with sex. He decides when we have sex or if we dont. Its like I have no say in this matter and by the time he finally wants to and says yes im so horned up I dont want to miss a chnace to feel connected to him so i let it go and give I . When I say I love him I do. So much and even with everything going on he still has this offect on me like hes always had. I get ready for him no problem.
    So im at his disposal I guess. I want him in everyway. I feel like hes always checking others out and is more interested in looking at them when we are out in public. Ive caught him several times. And call him out on it and he tells me im seeing things. But when we are not in this sex fighting modes and its during the day we get along pretty well. We never fight but may have disagreements but never to bad. We’ve only had one incident where he pushed me and he apologized but I still havent forgave him 100%. … we do have a 9 month old together and we aleays joke about it because we only had sex 2x and got pregnant with him. Which was ironic because I wanted another child…… but j just thought I would add on to our relationship for you to better help the adivce.

    I kinda

    • E.Brown November 7, 2014, 8:45 pm

      Most people just get somebody on the side… Ive seen marriage break up a lot of good romances…

  • veryconfused February 7, 2015, 10:04 pm

    My husband and I have been together for 5 years and lived together the whole time, we use to have sex all the time wherever whenever we have 2 children together and we still had sex a lot after my second child we have been married since June 2013 but about a month after our 1yr anniversary he stopped wanting sex going weeks without it and now it has been going on 4 months since we have had sex or done anything and I keep thinking it is me and him not being attracted to me but he says he is just tired and don’t feel like it but he never looks at me the same either I have been wondering if he is seeing someone else or not attracted to me and doesnt want to be with me anymore.

  • ConfusedInFlorida February 15, 2015, 12:06 am

    Ive been with my man for about 3 months, we mesh in any way possible except when it comes to intamicy. I love sex, id have it every night if I could. Well he is rarely in the mood and never initiates it. It drives me crazy because he has such an extensive sex history. He swears he doesnt watch porn and that he would never cheat, but he hardly wants sex. Tonight for example, I couldnt sleep and I made a joke that he could help me sleep by tiring me out. He laughed and said ‘im glad you are in the mood but im not’ and has been sitting at the end of the bed playing Video games. Granted I am 19 and he is 26, we are still young. The part that kills me is he proposed yesterday… and I had to initiate sex. Makes me think that either im not satisfying to him in bed, or he is relieving himself in other ways. Its angers me when I mention sex and he blows me off, and makes me moody. Not because we arent having sex, but because he doesnt want to be with me like that. Makes my mind race and worry. It has only been 3 months, the relationship is very new, we should be like bunny rabbits. We just recently moved in together and for days he joked about breaking our bed in the second we moved in, but when we finally moved nithing happened till I initiated it on the third day…. what do yall think???

    • Hopelessly Depressed February 22, 2015, 12:36 am

      Oh wow I just commented and then read your comment and we have a lot in common… my finance also has an extensive sex history…. like 30 something people. It’s ridiculous. And okay I swear I’m not being racist I mean we all have our own preferences okay? Some people prefer women of cokir, others don’t. Well my finance is someone who doesn’t and he isn’t into bigger women either. But that STILL didn’t stop him from getting with them before he met me.
      It drives me crazy because I can’t understand it. And he never tries with me to make me enjoy it and constantly pushes my advances away. How do you explain to them it hurts your feelings and you wish they’d be more intimate… especially if you’re the one they really care about and want to be with now…?

      • Darrell March 6, 2015, 11:35 am

        Ladies please don’t beat yourself up about it . The thing you don’t understand this may be hurting your man than you realize . Sex is a place where a man is most vulnerable and sensitive. We are coded to have intense sex drives and want it all the time and if you’re a man and your drive is low now you’re ashamed because you don’t feel like a man . Double Whammy! My advice is have as much no pressure sex as much as possible. Sex has become more about a chore and not fun .Make him feel like its okay if you don’t orgasm get his confidence and frequency up. This is what I want from my wife.. I feel like I need to pleasure her every time so over time I get no pleasure out of sex anymore.

  • Really Weird Situation... February 22, 2015, 12:22 am

    My situation is very different from most people’s here and I’ve scowered the internet for help but because my situation is so…. unique… nothing has really helped;
    First off I’m only 19, my fiancee is 21. We have sex usually a few times a week. He has slept with a lot of women but he dated every single one and was cheated on by most (which I know for a fact is true).
    He has a huge collection of porn but doesn’t watch it, just accumulated over the years, mostly for art (mostly anime stuff). I don’t really care either way, it’s something I expect most guys to have regardless.
    I love him and just want to be with him… I’m the kind of person who wants to be intimate like all the time, like everyday. But I try initiating things like several times a day, (we live together) and he always just pushes me away. He’s usually playing video games or something so he always says not now.
    Then, when he finally is in the mood, I can’t even tell until he starts kissing me and stuff. And then it just feels awkward and lazy.
    I’m the kind of person who wants to see and know that he wants me…but he doesn’t really show it if you know what I mean…. He says he’s attracted to me so maybe he’s just not in the mood and has a lower sex drive… but it’s frustrating
    The past week we’ve been together like three times and he cam within like 5-15 minutes when it usually lasts an hour…. He knows certain things drive me crazy but doesn’t do any of them… given he barely has to touch me to get me in the mood so he just does it enough to make me want to but then I’m left unsatisfied…. it’s like a tease.
    I know he’s been stressed and stuff about work so maybe that’d why but I’ve tried talking to him about him and but it just sounds like I’m whining about something stupid and unnecessary when I’m actually really self conscious and upset…
    I just have NO IDEA what to say to him to make him understand… and I also found out he jacks off when I’m sleeping (he’s an early riser and I usually sleep in) and that hurt even more… I know for a fact he would never cheat on me and isn’t gay… so what else is there? He’s usually very sweet and understanding and loving….
    What can I say to make him understand why and how deeply this upsets me?

    • Darrell March 6, 2015, 11:47 am

      If he’s an early riser try waking up with him and replace his jack off session with sex! My wife an I are like you . I’m the early riser and sex at night is usually the last thing I want to do, but the morning is so much better I’m full of energy and clear minded. Think about how bad it would be to wake you up in the morning to ride him . That might be how hr feels about sex at night .

      • Really Weird Situation March 15, 2015, 2:28 pm

        Oh I’ve tried that too. Actually I used to do that a lot when we first moved in together and he enjoyed it but told me to stop because he was afraid of peeing during… and then he started pushing me off as soon as he woke up and immediately going to the bathroom, then to play video games. I started feeling like such a creep because of how he reacted so I gave up.
        He ALWAYS says not now because he’s playing video games and it’s so frustrating. And even if I finally can get him hard, he turns off his games and everything and really enjoys bjs… but when it comes to sex? Sometimes I can tell he’s in the mood but the majority of the time he just seems so NOT into it….
        But there was a time he f*cked a heavy ex like 10 times a day… I mean I don’t need it that much but jeez. You did all that stuff with bigger girls, colored girls, uglier girls? How is that supposed to make me feel? And he isn’t even into big girls or any of that stuff so what gives?
        I love him and I just want to be with him every now and then… and feel like he wants to be…
        Is it possible he’s already had enough sex to last him a lifetime?

      • Julissa November 23, 2015, 1:33 am

        What is your fascination with black women? Did you seriously refer to African American women as colored? What is this? The 1800s? Case and point the women who your man slept with prior to being with you have nothing to do with the fact that you and him aren’t sleeping together. You need to reevaluate yourself and him. Maybe he’s cheating. Who knows. But seriously chill out with the innuendos and slick attempts at shade throwing

    • Anon. March 27, 2015, 11:34 pm

      I know how you feel totally, my bf is completely the same minus the jerking off while I sleep. But same situation otherwise. He is rarely in the mood and when he is it’s the only time we have sex. He never comprimises when I’m in the mood. And when we do have sex it’s very dull. The same thing EVERYTIME. At night, from behind. And like almost next to zero foreplay. And as soon as he finishes that’s it, done. It’s horrible. I don’t know what to do either! It’s frustrating and truly makes me feel like it’s my fault because I did have a kid a year and half ago (his kid) and my body is totally different and I’m already insecure enough as it is I don’t need his lack of affection on top of it. I mean he NEVER tells me I’m beautiful or sexy and never kisses me unless I kiss him. we haven’t made out in over a year.. A YEAR ! Ugh I feel ya girl, it is so tough.

      • Really Weird Situation December 1, 2015, 7:25 pm

        I didn’t want to be rude or insensitive… Im not good with words and i actually had to put a lot of thought into what i wrote so im sorry if that came across as offensive. But if you’re scewing fat girls when they wanted it and you tell me your not into fat girls what am I supposed to think? Same thing with black girls. I meant it more as, “he’s got no problem having sex with other girls he supposedly wasn’t that attracted to but he has no interest in sex with me when he tells me he thinks I’m beautiful?”
        On and we dont make out. Ever. And we don’t cuddle. Ever. But he’s happy with just talking and being around each other. He holds me every night when we sleep but that’s it. We sometimes hold hands in public or in the car if we go somewhere-if I grab his hand first.
        I joke sometimes that it feels like we’re just friends or roommates and every time he’s gotten really upset and says how can you say that?
        I actually even threatened to break up with him a few times because it feels like we’re only friends and I want more of well everything. Not just sex, intimacy. And he always really sad and like he really cared so I always just said I wish you could at least understand and he says I’ll try and we work a little more at understanding and stay together.
        We’ve made some progress so now he understands how I’ve felt but that’s it.
        I don’t want to break up but I don’t know what else I can or should do.

  • fefe March 3, 2015, 12:32 pm

    Obviously, this sex drive issue is just everywea, opps am not alone.

  • Mr. Sister March 15, 2015, 1:46 pm

    I have essentially the same problem with my wife… I love her and I’m attracted to her but it feels like she never really wants to have sex, even when she says she does. For example, she will get tired of it very quickly, tells me it hurts and I need to finish (after only a couple minutes), she usually tries the positions and ideas I have for her but she gets tired of doing it almost instantly. When I ask her why she never initiates sex, she says “I do! Like when I winked at you when you came home,” or “I kissed you when you came to bed,” or something feeble like that, that I would never see as her asking for sex. She also seems to climax much more often and quickly than I do, which as someone said earlier, is probably a problem seeing as how the opposite is true for most couples. I am thinking she is faking it just to be done with the sex. But she is the only sexual partner I have had so I can’t really tell.

    I have tried openly communicating this with her, she just brushes it off when I do. Any advice? Is this normal and I’m just overthinking it?

  • Emma March 22, 2015, 6:15 pm

    I have been with my man for over 2 years and we have always been sexual and had good sex. Until now. Recently he hasn’t wanted it as much and when we do, he doesn’t cum because he “loves focusing on me and making sure I cum” . I know he’s stressed because he just started his new job, but what I’m so worried about is thinking this problem is actually an issue with infidelity or could it be that he’s lost his want for me in bed? I’m worried sick over this!

  • Sad&unhappy March 27, 2015, 11:03 pm

    Hey thereby everyone. So I am 23 and I have a 1 and a half year old daughter with my boyfriend who is also 23. When we irate started dating we were very sexually in tune and had no problem being affectionate. However I noticed when I became pregnant he didn’t seem as interested in sec and we started having sex less and less.. Now I am lucky if I can get it 1 in two weeks.. He doesn’t think there is any problem (because we have talked about it) multiple times, but it is definitely a problem. One that is eating at me and making me incredibly insecure. I’ve tried everything! Telling him, seducing him, dressing sexy, everything. It’s so upsetting because I am an extremely intimate and passionate person and the way he is now seems to be the complete opposite. I can’t even remember the last time we actually made out for reasons other than sex.. I don’t know what to do anymore. All I do is cry and hate on myself for this. I try to be understanding towards him but I am truly loosing hope.. I need some help, does anyone have any advice for me?! Please, I’m getting desperate :(

  • marie April 4, 2015, 5:23 pm

    I am a 27 ur old female my bf and I have been together over a yr. But we have known each other since we were in highschool .when we first started talking I slept with someone else we wasn’t together then he considers if a per relationship but its whatever .well we moved past all that sex was great me and him has moved in together with a friend of mine we’ve been here almost a yr now he never wants sex he says its not important that I need to grow up .or if we argue that day your not getting laid . And of course the famous one if u quit begging for it maybe it’ll happen . I’ve cried so much cause he doesn’t have children I have 2 and due to complications I had a hysterectomy .but my sexdrive is high he says its because of the hysterectomy and that I need to chill out . I mean I feel like I’m not a woman and granete for someone whoa had 2 kids I have a great body I’ve talked to him about it and his resp once is if I don’t want to have sex I’m not going to . He makes me feel like im rapping him . I love this man so much but its making me reagent him he doesn’t wanna have sex with me but he wants a 3 some . I’m like wtf how does that work u don’t wanna fuck me but u wanna fuck me and another girl . So I guess if I give him his 3 some to make it fair for me sleeping with some one before we had a relationship I mean we did have an agreement that we wouldn’t fuck nobody else .I’m human I fucked up and I feel I’ve paid for it in full . He only wants to cuddle as were going to sleep .he doesn’t give oral or play with me its like if u want some come n get on it and when I tell him to be more passionate he’s like whatever its sex the point is to get off and be done .then when I climb on top he lays there and says are u done yet . That makes me lose all thought of even getting off cause its like it doesn’t feel good to him and then when I cum if I get to he rolls me over and 2 quick pumps and done . He use to caress me undress me slow just man handle me I miss it so much . He’s done some fucked up things to he dated my family member knowing how I felt before we got in to our relationship .I’m at my wits end maybe if I give him the 3some hell go back to the way he was before ? What do y’all think .???? HELP ME !!™

  • marie April 4, 2015, 5:30 pm

    We might have sex once every 2 to 3 weeks . He can wake up with a boner and not want sex if I try n play with him to get him started he just tells me to stop this has been going on for months .I’m always crying and when I tell him he doesn’t care to seeme cry he says .I feel too much cause I’m off my meds for bipolar .I know I feel too much but I tell him he doesn’t feel at all. I told him the reason I’m on him so much is because I don’t wanna go find it else where I want him and only him . I don’t know what to do any more ..

  • Anonymous April 8, 2015, 3:04 pm

    My partner and I have been together 3 years. I’m 27 and he is 41. We don’t have sex. It’s april. We have had sex once. He has no interest. I have tried initiating it and get rejected. I have suggested all sorts of things to bring a bit of spice. Nothing. And now he isn’t working so I can’t afford for us to see a counsellor. He worked freelance and he’s worked in employment. He never seemed stressed until his most recent job which he has now left. I don’t know what to do

    • Sharan May 1, 2015, 9:25 pm

      You have been together three years. If sex now is the only issue due to his employment, I honestly wouldn’t worry! Work can affect a man, as well as stability! Guess you need to ride this out and be with him and a patient if you can. It may be hard but if you really love him and the knock backs are not too intense for you.. Stick with him. I’m going through all this which is why I can put my hand on my heart and say try and work it out! A lot of relationships these days are too fickle .. Apologies for the harshness.. Who would think I’m in training for a psychotheripist .. We all have battles x

  • Sharan May 1, 2015, 9:15 pm

    When I first met my boyfriend of 2.5 years ago, all me and him wanted was , was a sexual relationship! I’d known him 6 months before, but after being friends found more than a sexual bond, although never slept with him! Anyway after the 6 months I decided to give in and let him have Me.. And I felt amazing! I’d made love to my best mate and I knew nothing would break us. I didn’t sleep with anyone else or him before the 6 months as I was scared of losing my friend, plus I guess I wasn’t looking for a partner ! But I guess when you know you know! So now, 2.5 years later , without going into the nitty gritty,we have had a lot of arguments and he is now on anti-depressants and I am in counselling due to one thing or other, which I am thankful for. We are still together but I do feel we have hindered one another to some degree but also still love each other. I am still a very passionate woman, would love to rock up to his house in my underwear and coat and let him strip me, however I feel I am unable to do this due to his medicine and me being patient… What do I do!!! A lady can only get so many knock backs.. I have also discovered today that he is following a tweet which shows women’s body’s, I know I have an amazing body.. and it kills me to think he is getting off to this, when I’ve laid it on a plate! Once guys fall in love can they not deal with the fun ?? Maybe I should be Patient??

  • Deeds May 5, 2015, 6:38 pm

    I have been with my man for 5 years and her rarely initiates sex…so little that over actually believed her was seeing someone on the side. Which turned out to be my imagination and horniness driving me crazy. Finally after a night of pleading and begging for sex. I got frustrated and told him, “I don’t want none of your terrible dick anyways!” Which the dick is not terrible…it’s absolutely amazing which is why I want or so often. Anyways, after I shouted the hateful dick insult. I got up and put my clothes on and smoked a cigarette in the dark. Shortly after, I went back inside to lay downafter (at the foot of the bed), Yes I was being petty. I started falling asleep and was awakened by a man who never initiates sex to the pounding of my life. He fucked my soul out and I think it’s because I insulted him and challenged him. But do you know to this day, he hasn’t turned me down for sex since… her still never initiates but her is an active participant! Talk some shit people, I think it works.

  • Whyme July 16, 2015, 2:25 pm

    My fiancé and I have been together for two years, and lived together for a year. He was always in the mood in the beginning. After we moved in it stopped. We’d have sex once every 2/3 weeks and it’s still like that. He won’t seek help, he’s also a guy who doesn’t go down on girls. He thinks it’s gross. But I’ve moved past that. I have tried everything. Nothing works. Kissing him on the neck, biting him, nibbling his ear. Grabbing him just pisses him off. I’m in the mood everyday. I can’t tell him I’m in the mood anymore cause it annoys him. All he says is sorry when I say I’m in the mood.
    Whyme´s last blog post ..Keep Calm, It’s Only a Dream

  • Tammy souther August 19, 2015, 6:44 pm

    I just 2ant to it really me? I’m 40 and he is 30. I love tohave sex, not every day, but I like it at least 1-2 times a week . He does good to want it then. I’m a BIG girl and I swear that it’s me and that’s why he don’t want sex. It really breaks my heart . I’m really self concience

  • Christina August 28, 2015, 3:54 pm

    I’m 33 he is 44 we have been married for one year at the beginning of our relationship we couldn’t keep our hands off each other now he’s a different type of sexual medication that does not seem to be working he doesn’t have a problem with getting an erection is getting him in the mood which is quite frustrating I’ve never had to deal with such I’m a very attractive woman

  • About to give up October 17, 2015, 9:48 am

    Im 21 my husband about to turn 22 we dated in high school a couple years he moved 8 hours away it didn’t work out broke up 6 years later found eachother on Facebook talked 5 months n got married yea it was fast but we both felt it was right n we was ready and he’s literally the only guy iv truly loved . We never had sex while dating in school not until we seen eachother for the first time in 6 years lol it was so good words can’t explain. We was always talking about how bad we wanted each other it was always so exciting to see him so we get married he was always wanting sex in the beginning up until like maybe 5 months later I think is when his sex drive started goin down now less than 1 year of marriage I’m begging for sex n still don’t get it!!! I’m always fighting about it n all he says is I’m not arguing with u about this n makes me so frustrated n angry with him I’m always picking a fight now n starting to wonder is it bc of not enough sex or what ? I know he’s not cheating i think I’m sure he’s not gay he liked his prostate ‘stimulated’ while having sex but it doesn’t bother me plus iv googled most straight men like that . He did have a problem a little drug use mainly only weed but he’s trying to just quit it so I’m thinking is that the reason this is happening ? He does smoke iv read that could be a problem ? Iv gained weight but he has too I don’t know what’s the problem I just want things to be how they use too sometime I lay and cry myself to sleep bc of how ugly and unloved he makes me feel.. The sex hasn’t stopped completely but were basically Newley weds like shouldn’t we be having sex like crazy .. I’m up for it anywhere and everywhere PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME BEFOR MY FAIRYTALE TURNS INTO A JOKE

  • Tiff December 25, 2015, 10:52 am

    I don’t understand it. I am a sexual person. And my partner w/o t have sex with me. And when we do, I feel like it a petty f##k. No passion at all. What the heck do I do… Temptation is everywhere too. I’m frustrated

  • Rena June 6, 2016, 11:37 am

    I know this thread is old but I’m going thru the same thing and am hoping for some advice. My bf and I are both about to turn 41. We have a fantastic sex life when we actually have it (he is the best I’ve ever been with) but it has been 3 weeks now since we’ve been intimate aside from me giving him oral a few times. I try to initiate sex or just me giving him head and he turns me down alot of the time. I am really feeling like it is something with me even though he assures me that it isnt. He works in construction and is really tired at the end of the day I understand this but o don’t understand how he can lay beside me being naked every night and not want me at all or want me to please him. I know he is not having an affair nor does he have a porn addiction, hell I probably watch it way more than he. Ideally I would like sex at least once or twice if not more times a day but am willing to settle for it a couple times a week if need be. Our relationship is great outside of this area. He is very generous when we do have sex, he is not all about hisself. When I try to talk to him about it he says I am sexually aggressive and make him feel like a sex toy. I didn’t realize it was wrong to think my man is the sexiest man alive and have him turn me on by nothing more than a simple glance…. I would never consider having an affair, I’ll continue to please myself first. Any men have any real advice for me, thanks..

  • Dominic August 1, 2016, 7:36 pm

    I’ll tell you all the truth.
    The reason us men get tired of sex with the ones we love is because we are bored of having sex with the same person. We do love you. But we don’t make sex emotional like women do. I’m 26 and have sex 1-2 times a week with my girl and she gets very upset with me. But I can’t tell her the truth. I love the idea of a new women. But would never cheat on my wife ever. She’s perfect in every way. Our relationship is great in every way besides the sex as much as she wants.
    Maybe it’s because I was always sleeping with different women before I met her. But I can control myself. Truth hurts I’m sorry.


Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge