How to have easy and consistent orgasms

by Alisa Bowman on April 27, 2009

This is part 5 of a Sex Advice series.

sexy-woman1After I complained about my inability to hold out in the bedroom, someone emailed and asked me, “What is your secret? How do you have orgasms so easily? What are you doing that I’m not doing? Are you masturbating? Is that your secret?”

First, I want to say that I feel quite honored. It had never occurred to me, until now, that my low orgasm threshold might actually be a super power.
Second, yes, I do touch myself.

Is that why I reach orgasm so quickly? Maybe, but I don’t think so. I wasn’t always a push over in the orgasm department. Earlier in my marriage, we had plenty of sessions that went on and on and on. I’d get really excited, and then the excitement would ebb some. I’d get really excited again, and then it would ebb. I worked so hard at climaxing that I literally sweated. Sex was a form of exercise.

All the while as I grunted and sweated, I’d be thinking, “Will he be able to hold out this long? He’s probably thinking that he wants me to just have an orgasm already. Well I just can’t. But I don’t want to stop. This still feels good. But it doesn’t feel as good as it did. Am I going to have one? I don’t know. Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe we should just stop. I’m probably wasting his time. At least I should stop thinking. The thinking in getting in the way. But I can’t stop thinking. Because he’s never going to want to have sex with me again. I better hurry this up. But how? I can’t just force my body to release. What’s wrong with me anyway? It never takes this long when I take things into my own hands.”

Ah, no wonder it took so long.

Anyway, things move along quite easily now. Now, my thoughts are more like, “I can hold out a little longer. Come on, girl. Just a couple more minutes. Don’t go over the edge yet. You can… Oh that was nice.”

Here’s what helped me. I hope it helps you, too.

Get waxed. Or shave. Down there. Seriously. I’m not joking. The less pubic hair you have, the more sensation you feel. It’s that simple.

Touch yourself. If you’ve never orgasmed before, you’ll probably need to have a few alone before you can do it with your spouse. Do it until it’s like clockwork. Then do it in front of him, while he watches you touch yourself. Then have him manually stimulate you with his hands, placing your hand on top of his to direct his pressure and movement. Then have him do it without your help. Then move on to intercourse. It’s your choice whether you want to stimulate yourself during intercourse or have him do it. If he does it, be prepared for it to take a little longer.

Stimulate your nipples or ask him to do it. I learned this toward the end of my pregnancy, when I read that midwives often tell laboring mothers to stimulate their nipples in order to speed the birth process and get the uterus to contract. It doesn’t just help babies come out faster. It also helps you reach orgasm faster, too.


Get horned up ahead of time.
Foreplay starts hours before the actual event, as you think about what you and your spouse will be doing later. It starts in the shower if you take one before having sex. It continues as you groom yourself and dress up (assuming you do that). By the time you get down to business, you should be one step away from blowing a gasket.

Watch porn. Try Dahlia Grey’s Aroused. If you can hold out longer than 10 minutes while that film is playing, you’re the one with the serious super powers.


Use a toy.
These things are like magic orgasm wands.


Relax and enjoy the journey.
Take the focus off the end result. Stay present.


Try to last longer.
This is reverse psychology. If you try not to have an orgasm, you’ll end up having one.

Do you touch yourself during sex?

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A professional journalist, Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir of how she saved her marriage, and coauthor of Pitch Perfect, a must-read if you've ever had a sense of dread tie up your insides before a speech, presentation, or conversation. If you enjoyed this post, you will no doubt love her updates on Facebook and Twitter.

{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

B J April 27, 2009 at 1:33 pm

Alisa, I am so happy you are speaking on this subject. I love how you can be so free and open on such an intimate subject. Thank You!!! It has been a long while since I have had a man, so am having to take matters into my own hands. Thanks for assuring me that this is ok…..!

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Holly Page April 27, 2009 at 2:00 pm

These are great tips! The use of toys and manual stimulation can dramatically improve the experience for women, but many are shy about it. Like B J implied in her comment, it’s nice to get reassurance that it’s totally normal (and often necessary for most women) to touch themselves or be touched during intercourse. Looking forward to the rest of the series!

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Mel April 27, 2009 at 9:45 pm

The other advice I would add to that is to tell yourself that you orgasm easily and frequently.

Obviously, if there are people around you then don’t say it out loud – in your head is fine. Out loud works better though, as long as you’re alone or won’t be embarassed by people (your husband/partner?) overhearing.

Many years ago I had never come during sex, only doing it myself – either with my husband or alone – so I started repeating to myself “I come easily and have multiple orgasms during sex” several times during the day. It took about three weeks and I had my first. It just got better from there! :-)

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monica April 27, 2009 at 10:39 pm

finally – we admit we are sexual beings- with needs equal to that of a man
this blog keeps opening my eyes and know my legs-

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Mrs. Micah April 28, 2009 at 3:39 pm

Great advice. Orgasms don’t normally “just happen,” but good sex doesn’t have to be too much work once you’re good at it. It took us a while to get things working well–and it was very frustrating at first (though I was already quite orgasmic, thank goodness!). It was worth working for. :)

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Christy May 7, 2009 at 5:00 pm

Wow! A close shave does that much good? Where’s my Bic?

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Traci September 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Shaving there does wonders!

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samantha March 9, 2013 at 3:30 am

lol shaving does make things more touchie but dont wax that crap hurts on the cat take a fools advice

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Stephanie August 5, 2013 at 11:38 am

I wax fairly often, its actually worth it and does get less painful after a couple of times. It last weeks compared to the one day that shaving lasts.

Indigo May 13, 2009 at 11:35 am

very good advice

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Mrs Embers March 11, 2010 at 9:52 am

Great advice. I feel like such a freak because I can’t enjoy masturbating (which I KNOW had something to do with how long it took me to have my first orgasm, but it’s ok). It’s not for lack of trying- I’ve tried in bed, in the bath, in the shower, with lube, without, starting slow, starting fast… I just don’t feel anything. I might as well be touching my arm. At this point it just feels ridiculous. BUT- at least we’ve figured out what works when we’re together.

I’m really enjoying your blog- it’s nice to read stuff written by someone who’s so open and honest about a subject most people seem to feel comfortable joking about, but not talking about.
.-= Mrs Embers´s last blog ..Ouch! =-.

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Hdjigfkx July 5, 2011 at 11:59 pm

I am so happy that someone can talk about this seriously. I was never able to have an orgasm during sex but i figured out through masturbation how to do it and getting shaved really helper. Now during sex i have my man watch me masturbate then he touches me. Weve both figured it out. I love knowing what i am doing in bed because i hate it whe. People talk about it but mame jokes instead of being serious. Thank you for letting me have my first orgasm during sex! Actually saying outloud that you orgasm easily and frequently really does make a difference.

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Knitted in the Womb November 9, 2011 at 10:28 pm

I debated giving a fake name & e-mail…LOL…

Something I don’t see mentioned often (ever?) in discussions about female orgasm is the concept that it can be okay for a man to get his in first…it always seems to be that the man is supposed to be holding out until the woman gets hers.

Doesn’t work that way in my marriage…sorry if that is TMI…but Alisa started it. ;-) Most of the time my hubby gets his first, then he helps me get mine.

Also I have found that sometimes my position matters…and it seems to be cyclical. Since I know that the cervix changes position throughout a woman’s monthly cycle…that makes sense. So sometimes laying on your back might work…but sometimes you might prefer laying on your belly…or something completely different!

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bigos May 8, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Hi so far the only way I get an orgasm during intercourse is having my partner lay on his side and me on my back in the missionary position so its easy to access my clit and for him to see everything also in this position you can move your hips however you want and its similar to masturbating. He also pointed out to me this position makes him feel a bit less do he lasts longer and if you position yourself right it hits a great spot!! For me anyway…. so the position is kind if like this |– him being on his side and then you are on your back facing him.

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Prith Bandyo May 31, 2012 at 1:15 am

I would be glad to have more explicit details with practical experiences as to how men last long in single love making session inducing multiple orgasmto the female partner.

Prith

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Prith Bandyo May 31, 2012 at 1:21 am

Can penetration through cervix of women gives more pleasure to the female partner

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Maremi August 26, 2012 at 10:47 am

I can never have an orgasm. I really want one. .

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Misty October 25, 2012 at 2:09 am

I am 21 with two children. I lost my virginity at 16 and have found it extremely difficult to orgasm during sex. While masturbating I do everytime so I really don’t know why it is so hard. I have only had 3 orgasms during sex :( My fiancée and I have REALLY been trying too :( I always enjoy the sex but I really want that feeling that comes with an orgasm. Sorry if this is too personal.

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Baily January 13, 2013 at 8:16 pm

When you were describing the stress you feel and what goes through your head when you can’t have one, that’s exactly how I feel. I used to have orgasms easily with my partner, but that was before I ever masterbated. Now I masterbated and we find it a lot harder to make me come. I just don’t know if I’m masterbating to much or what’s going. It’s stressing me out. If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

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k peez March 26, 2013 at 8:23 am

I masturbate quite often.. as many times as i think about it..
I didn’t experience an orgasm until i learned how to fully please myself..
if i masturbate and don’t get that WOW result.. i simply paste myself and
start again.. I love doggie style where I’m in the position to put my hand
where it “needs to be”.. or climb on top so i can control the pressure and
most of the touching… EXPLOSIONS everytime…

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passion May 8, 2013 at 6:29 pm

Hi,I never really had an orgasm during sex, only when I masterbate.. I have been trying for a very long…I also want to make myself squirt.what should I do???

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Latisha June 11, 2013 at 9:15 pm

Just wondered if this was normal ? Today I was in route to pick up my son from school and felt extreme pressure like if I had to use the bathroom #1 then wow I had my first organism alone in my car on the highway. It’s extremely hard for me to reach that peak and just like that.

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