This is part 5 of a Sex Advice series.
After I complained about my inability to hold out in the bedroom, someone emailed and asked me, “What is your secret? How do you have orgasms so easily? What are you doing that I’m not doing? Are you masturbating? Is that your secret?”
First, I want to say that I feel quite honored. It had never occurred to me, until now, that my low orgasm threshold might actually be a super power.
Second, yes, I do touch myself.
Is that why I reach orgasm so quickly? Maybe, but I don’t think so. I wasn’t always a push over in the orgasm department. Earlier in my marriage, we had plenty of sessions that went on and on and on. I’d get really excited, and then the excitement would ebb some. I’d get really excited again, and then it would ebb. I worked so hard at climaxing that I literally sweated. Sex was a form of exercise.
All the while as I grunted and sweated, I’d be thinking, “Will he be able to hold out this long? He’s probably thinking that he wants me to just have an orgasm already. Well I just can’t. But I don’t want to stop. This still feels good. But it doesn’t feel as good as it did. Am I going to have one? I don’t know. Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe we should just stop. I’m probably wasting his time. At least I should stop thinking. The thinking in getting in the way. But I can’t stop thinking. Because he’s never going to want to have sex with me again. I better hurry this up. But how? I can’t just force my body to release. What’s wrong with me anyway? It never takes this long when I take things into my own hands.”
Ah, no wonder it took so long.
Anyway, things move along quite easily now. Now, my thoughts are more like, “I can hold out a little longer. Come on, girl. Just a couple more minutes. Don’t go over the edge yet. You can… Oh that was nice.”
Here’s what helped me. I hope it helps you, too.
Get waxed. Or shave. Down there. Seriously. I’m not joking. The less pubic hair you have, the more sensation you feel. It’s that simple.
Touch yourself. If you’ve never orgasmed before, you’ll probably need to have a few alone before you can do it with your spouse. Do it until it’s like clockwork. Then do it in front of him, while he watches you touch yourself. Then have him manually stimulate you with his hands, placing your hand on top of his to direct his pressure and movement. Then have him do it without your help. Then move on to intercourse. It’s your choice whether you want to stimulate yourself during intercourse or have him do it. If he does it, be prepared for it to take a little longer.
Stimulate your nipples or ask him to do it. I learned this toward the end of my pregnancy, when I read that midwives often tell laboring mothers to stimulate their nipples in order to speed the birth process and get the uterus to contract. It doesn’t just help babies come out faster. It also helps you reach orgasm faster, too.
Get horned up ahead of time. Foreplay starts hours before the actual event, as you think about what you and your spouse will be doing later. It starts in the shower if you take one before having sex. It continues as you groom yourself and dress up (assuming you do that). By the time you get down to business, you should be one step away from blowing a gasket.
Watch porn. Try Dahlia Grey’s Aroused. If you can hold out longer than 10 minutes while that film is playing, you’re the one with the serious super powers.
Use a toy. These things are like magic orgasm wands.
Relax and enjoy the journey. Take the focus off the end result. Stay present.
Try to last longer. This is reverse psychology. If you try not to have an orgasm, you’ll end up having one.
A professional journalist, Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir of how she saved her marriage, and coauthor of Pitch Perfect, a must-read if you've ever had a sense of dread tie up your insides before a speech, presentation, or conversation. If you enjoyed this post, you will no doubt love her updates on Facebook and Twitter.