Q: You keep telling us to Speak Our Voices, but whenever I tell my husband what’s on my mind, he justifies his actions. He seems genetically incapable of saying, “I’m sorry.” Is there a way to milk an apology out of this man? — Desperately Seeking a Sorry
Dear Desperately Seeking a Sorry:
I hear you. I used to have the same problem. Fights between me and my husband used to go something like this:
Me: I’m really frustrated that you sat indoors all day watching TV when the grass is so high that the poor dog keeps accidentally stepping on his own poop.
Him: I didn’t watch TV all day.
Me: Yes you did. I saw you do it.
Him: The grass isn’t that high.
Me: The neighbors are going to complain to the borough any minute now. I just lost our daughter out there. The police are currently searching for her, and they are using machetes to cut through the grass.
Him: I can cut it tomorrow.
Me: You are in Las Vegas tomorrow, and why do you have to be so difficult?
Him: You know, the strangest thing happened the other day….
Me: Don’t change the subject.
Him: Look over there…
All I wanted was an, “I’m sorry. I screwed up. You’re right. I’m a lazy slacker.” Instead I got one justification after another for why he wasn’t at fault, and when the justifications failed and the tension rose, he tried to change the subject.
My husband and I still occasionally have such arguments but, truth be told, the situation has somehow reversed itself. Now he’s the one who is after an “I’m sorry” and I’m the greedy person who won’t cough up the words. I believe everything in life happens for a reason. The reasons I’m not sorry are:
1. It gives me something to blog about.
2. It helps me understand my husband that much more.
Neither justifies not saying the words, though. I just felt the need to tell you, so you would continue to find me endearing and lovable.
Anyway, the point is that I now understand that my husband wasn’t necessarily trying to annoy me. He wasn’t even doing it because he didn’t think he was at fault. He was doing it because he’s a competitive person, and so am I. One of his life mantras is, “Second is the first loser.” Seriously. He truly believes this.
So it makes sense that he’d have a hard time admitting defeat, especially when he has a wife who is willing to fight until the very bitter end because she can’t admit defeat, either. (Not to mention the fact that his wife is almost always right, but I digress, yet again).
Still, he has learned to apologize. To get your spouse to do the same, you first need to understand why he hates to say those words. Chances are, he avoids saying, “I’m sorry” for one of the following reasons:
- He thinks he can truly convince you that he is right and you are wrong, and he doesn’t realize that this thinking is completely delusional.
- He thinks that, by changing the subject, you will experience a momnesia moment and forget what you were talking about in the first place. Again, he doesn’t realize that his tactics will instead cause you to have a momnesia moment when you are trying to remember why you married him in the first place.
- Saying “I’m sorry” makes him feel weak. He doesn’t realize that true human strength lies in the ability to admit ones shortcomings.
I recommend having a conversation about his inability to apologize. Bring it up when you are both calm. In other words, the time to have this conversation is NOT when you are fighting about something else and you realize you want him to say, “I’m sorry.” You need to have the conversation at a time when you are not after an apology.
When you talk, you might say, “Honey, have you ever noticed that you rarely tell me that you are sorry?”
He’ll probably say something like, “I tell you that I’m sorry.” You’ll say, “No you don’t.” And then you will be off on your cycle. Wait for the right moment, the one that will cause you both to laugh at your folly. At the right moment, after you’ve both done your “No you don’t” and “Yes I do” thing for a while, say, “Well, I’d like you to tell me that you are sorry for not telling me you are sorry. Can you do that? Right now?” See what happens.
This, by the way, is just an icebreaker. It’s a way to ease yourself into a sticky discussion with a bit of humor. At some point state exactly how you feel about his refusal to apologize. You might say any or all of the following:
* When you change the topic when I’m trying to discuss something, it makes me feel as if you think I’m stupid or that you think my feelings are not important.
* When you justify your actions instead of apologizing, I get even more frustrated. Then our arguments last even longer.
Then, end with a question, “Why do you think you have such a hard time apologizing?” If he’s a strong and silent type like my guy, he’ll probably say something philosophical like, “Dunno.”
In the future, when you confront your husband, you’ll get to Sorry more quickly if you:
- Confront him while you are doing something else. People feel less threatened when they are not making eye contact. Talk while in the car or while walking. If he doesn’t realize you are confronting him, he’ll be a lot more likely to have a conversation with you rather than shut down and battle you.
- Maintain your happy voice. If you state how you feel in the same tone of voice you use to talk about your day, his “danger” mechanism might not engage.
- Answer his attempts to battle you or change the subject with simple questions: Why are you trying to justify your actions? Why are you changing the subject? Why can’t you just apologize?
Note: All of the advice here applies to women, too. If your wife refuses to say she’s sorry, try it and see.
Do you have advice for Desperately Seeking a Sorry? Leave a comment.
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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Love it! Going to try it!
I think there’s a difference between a genuine ‘I’m sorry’ and saying it just to please someone else. Personally, I’d rather have a SINCERE apology rather than one I dragged out of my husband, and vise-versa! I think Alissa’s advice is great, and I think, at the end of the day, our husbands really do NOT want to hurt us or piss us off. I think, in most cases, most days, they’re hearts are in the right place–their brains and communication skills; however, are off somewhere totally lost! Am I right? Anyway, I think if you HONESTLY tell your husband (or anyone who truly cares about anyone but themsleves) that you’re truly and sincerely hurt by something they did/said or didn’t say/didn’t do; they WILL apologize; AND/OR, try to correct the problem. I don’t demand apologies anymore, but I do TELL HIM FLAT OUT–’what you just said really hurt my feelings and this is why:’ the other night, he apologized right off the bat! Literally! In truth though, it is NOT our husband’s job, nor is it OUR job, to tell someone that they’re right or wrong, or HAVE to apologize. Each person is their own person, and differences of opinion and views are bound to happen; especially in a marriage. Being married to a stubborn man myself, and being an incredible stubborn woman too, doesn’t always help me in the apology department. I don’t like saying ‘I’m sorry’ either most of the time, it’s admitting defeat and WHO really wants to do that? I sure don’t. But then you realize that you can either be happy and honest, knowing your said your peace, and move on; or you can be right. Usually, you can’t be both (well, in your head you can always be both, but to your spouse, not so much!) Anyway, I think Alisa’s advice is perfect and I would try it! Your husband may surprise you. And by the way, if he DOES want to hurt your feelings and TRULY never sees the error of his ways (about anything at all), than you’ve got a whole other problem that goes way beyond the, two words ‘I’m sorry.’ Not saying that’s your situation, it doesn’t sound like it; but sometimes I get so caught up in the “I’m hurt, you messed up so foo-foo on you.” stage that THAT becomes my battle, instead of the REAL issue at hand, and/or what I was really upset with to begin with! Goodluck!
Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I think that if my husband ever admitted that he was wrong, or said he was sorry, the world would come to an end.
I love this article. and the rest your blogs. Its pretty amazing tools for couple whom are into struggling moments including me that have just started my marriage life for a year.
Keep it up!.
Boy, is this appropriate! This is the link I should have sent to my husband instead, seeing as how, oh, we were up til midnight last night going ’round and ’round on this very subject!
Jenny
http://www.bloggingboutboys.blogspot.com
If I could say something as a man….
Don’t demand apologies. Demanding for apology in and of itself is to demonstrate power and to control… If the number one complaint men have about their wives is “receiving unsolicited advices”, this (demanding for apology) ranks high up there and surely harms the relationship.
What’s more effective is to focus on the future. Ask your spouse how he likes to contribute and participate.
This is not to deny the power that sincere apologies can have as part of a wider process of rebuilding trust and mutual confidence. However, to be effective in this way, apologies must be freely given, not demanded or extorted.
my husband instead of saying sorry he try to be nice by cleaning the house,cook do laundry to make you forget but never say sorry
To me an apology isn’t so much as an admittance to any wrong doing, but about an acknowldegent of how I have been hurt in the process. My husband is really good at justifying his words and actions and saying if I just listen and understand why none of it is his fault then I won’t need an apology. To me it just sounds more like he just wants to be right. Screw how I feel.
This is from him:
for me to apologise there must be something to apologise for, therefore for me to apologise for it I must be guilty of something, and if I am not, or don’t feel I am, to apologise anyway in my mind is taking the blame, and it is difficult to get past that in my head and to ask for an apology for how you feel WITHOUT taking the blame
is equivalent to apologising for someone elses car hitting you in that it doesn’t really mean anything
so for you to say it isn’t about blame, it’s hard for me to get to that, especially at the time something is going on
Got to add to list of reasons:
When I don’t provide an apology to my wife it is generally because I believe either
1. It will be used as a weapon against me either immediately or at a later date. This is sometimes in my imagination and at other times is actually rooted in fact and experience.
2. I feel that my need for reciprocity has not been met. I (as a general rule) am much more willing to apologize than my wife and sometimes tire of being the one putting himself out there on this particular issue.
I find it hard to apologize as well. I think because of the admittance of guilt part, or genuinely I am NOT sorry for what ever has transpired.
My husband adds qualifiers to his “I’m sorry”s like “I’m sorry YOU feel that way” with and inflection on YOU. I’m not even sure he knows he adds that inflection, but when he adds it – I hear blame being placed, like it is my fault for feeling hurt. When that happens, I often shut down. I often become so frustrated that the apology has been shifted that I just walk away, often times angrier than before.
I wish I could train myself to just suck it up and admit defeat, but I also wish my husband could/would too….
Men are pigs as a rule. They “hurt and flee” – therefore proving they know they’re wrong. If just once my husband would admit that he KNEW he had hurt me I’d probably fall over dead. Right now I’m considering why my last name needs to be the same a his . . . . JUST ONCE I wish he would acknowledge that he what he had said was so very hurtful and not necessary. No wonder he has had such fractured relationships with his children. BTW, did I mention I’m wife #3? But so far I’ve been married to him longer than the other 2 combined. I must be a SAINT! (Or stupid!)
Toni–Your situation sounds very frustrating. I’m sorry to hear you are going through so much and that you are your husband have so much to work through. This is a safe and nurturing place, and I hope you find much comfort here. Please keep in mind, however, that both men and women frequent this site, and both sexes are struggling with sadness and frustration in their marriages. You actually might find that the men here are quite supportive of you and could even help you better understand your husband. They really aren’t all pigs (the ones in this community definitely aren’t), but I certainly understand your anger and how you could feel that way.
My wife says hurtful things, drives away for days, and comes home mad at me. It’s not a man thing. I HATE when women say that. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, had my ring thrown at me, and I’m still faithful and she doesn’t even have a job. No apologies from her still… Her mom has been married 3 times and divorced all 3 men (who have been happily married to other women all over 15 years together) It’s people! All the ladies who think it’s a “guy thing”, it’s you.
Now I do believe if she drives away for days and is mad at u then I believe she’s mad at herself for cheering on u. And regrets it but she can’t stop cheating. I’ve witness my sister and couple of my friends do that…they make there husbands or boyfriend’s believe they r mad at them just so they can run off to b with another man and u thinking she’s mad and u messed up.
I say….tell your husband why you are hurt by him or upset with him for. Then give him the silent treatment….do not cook clean up after him look at him just shut him out and he will think to himself “wow”, I messed up then he will realize he should apologize….and really mean it. If he truly loves you he won’t want to see you hurt. He will think I might lose her I gotta make this up to her let her know I care and truly love her…
I totally relate to this. My husband and I get into arguments because he picks the smallest things and throws a fit. Everyone in my family calls him the girl in the relationship. Ex: He bought me a a gift, I didn’t like how the gift was running, so I complained about it. and he just got mad at me and said he won’t try to satisfy anyone but himself anymore…. and it makes me look bad. I told him I loved the gift but I just don’t like the touch screen of it. He ignores me for days and won’t talk to me. And when I try to say I’m sorry he ignores it… then I try to send funny pictures, once again it’s ignored. then I send him a message to stop acting like this and then he sends me one message “WHAT”
When my husband gets mad, he won’t tell me what for, then he tells me to remember what I said or did… and when he gets mad he only texts me. He won’t say a word to me. And I told him if he wants us to work, we need to communicate, if he doesn’t like how I’m doing things then he needs to tell me right then and then not a few days later. So I can correct it right there. He holds grudges which i don’t like. And when he hurts me he don’t really do much instead I just drop it and leave it alone, but when it comes to him. He’s a drama Queen.
I can never get him to say the words sorry to me. He told me once that he doesn’t like admitting he’s ever wrong. I guess it’s like a pride thing. Which is stupid cause your marriage is on the line. At times I wish we weren’t together because he’s always finding something to get mad at me for. He gets mad for my past at the same time and I can’t change that… I told him I accepted his past, etc.
It feels like he’s not willing to try to make it work…. *sigh*
but overall I think why guys don’t like saying sorry is because they have too much PRIDE!
I called my husband yesterday asking him
What he wanted to eat. He agreed to eating at home 3.30-4pm. So i put the food I’n the oven 3.20pm and he walks I’n 3.50 saying oh i ate at my mums I’m not hungry now. I was upset that he didn’t let me know and i didn’t have to waste me time. I informed him i would apologize if i were u cause if i did wat u did i would . He said no what for why should i and this minor thing turned into a bigger argument. Then he started to say i won’t eat with mu family ( his parents) next time. I said it’s not the point u can but i just want u to let me know. I was looking forward to eating with u. Next he started saying my family have health problems and his family is fine with their diet etc. I feel I’n this relationship my husband doesn’t want me to express myself and let him know I’m upset. All i want is to feel i am important to him and that he loves me. I cried for at least an hour I’n the room he said tears don’t work i said my heart hurts i can’t help it. He then left to shop at Woolworths. If that was me i would hug and comfort the one i love i would not be able to see them sad.
This article shows one side of the coin. Many women are irrational, unreasonable and manipulative. This exaggeration of “The Argument” paints a picture that husband sits on his ass 24/7 watching football while poor MOM tends to the children. Furthermore, the machete and daughter thing (although tongue-in-cheek) is just a tactic to fuel the “My husband is lazy” propaganda machine. This gives validity to the women’s side of the argument.
What does your husband accomplish the other 6 days of the week? Probably more than you give him credit for… The lack of loyalty that caused you to put him on blast on the web is not indicative of a strong marriage anyhow. The only thing you seem to have grown together is kids and resentment. Well Done! What validated the weak marriage thought for me is the fact that you manipulated him into saying “I’m sorry” because you had to ask him to. ( And that you put this blog up)
The bottom line is that he needs to grow enough as a person to not want to upset you in the first place. I got news for you: none of his apologies mean jack… It’s just to shut you up. With all the work you put into this blog, you could have cut and edged the grass! getting outside and cutting the grass yourself instead of being a nag. Or, even better yet, ask him nicely to go outside and do it right after or before the game. For shame. Get a divorce.