Comments on: 9 stages of an unhappy marriage

By: Alisa

Alisa — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 20:44:09 +0000

As much as I hate to do it, I’m turning off the comments on this post. Sorry folks.

By: L'eggs

L'eggs — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 14:12:33 +0000

@Mark – yes, believe me I’ve gone out with friends; I work out alone constantly at the gym; I go shopping alone; I meet up with girlfriends a lot. The thing is, is that now they are asking me what my hubby is up to and starting to wonder why I am always out with them and not him. I don’t want to dive into things. I don’t want to like make people aware that there is an issue. What’s worse, is I see couples casually strolling down the Target isles or couples working out together and encouraging one another…and when I see this, it just makes me sad with my own marriage. I work Mon-Fri and then weekends, I hang with friends. Honestly, some days, I feel like I am single except when I look down at my wedding ring finger! I know I married for better or worse, but is this the typical “worse” that a married woman would deal with? Just trying to hang in there, but thanks for your kind words.

By: den

den — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 07:16:37 +0000

hi!! im not very sure why i wrote you this letter…maybe i relly neeeded help.!! weve been married for 8 years we have 3 children. i always feel that im not that special for him, he works at a hospital and this past few days i had difficulty on breathing, he never bother to bring me for a check-up.yesterday was our anniversary i naturally am preparing for this occasion for days… yes he greated me..he opened his facebook and read my greetings for him i expected for a reply since i didnt recieved any gifts or just a simle i love you..and guess what he ignored it and commented on his friends greetings..i mean i felt so empty..i felt betrayed,,i tried many times to make this work but its just not working..and im already growing tired of everything..of not being appreciated..please help me.. i dont know what to do..i dont want to end up not loving him or respect him… thankyou id be so gratefull for your help!!

dhen

By: mark

mark — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 20:41:14 +0000

@wifey: this one doesn’t seem all that hard to me. What, pray tell, will you be losing? Unemployed men = inevitable trouble. Needs to get a job or volunteer. Be careful, unemployed men are notoriously difficult to deal with… OK, so don’t divorce, just tell him he either needs to work as a volunteer (so he can get a job eventuallly) or get a job that pays next to nothing. It’s not the money, it’s the principal. He’ll feel better about himself and it will keep him out of trouble. Period.

WIse man once said: The devil finds work for idle hands…

By: Wifey

Wifey — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 20:41:35 +0000

So I got married a month ago to what you could say was my highschool sweetheart. We have a 3 year old son and another son on the way (I’m 9 months pregnant). Our relationship has gone through hell and back. I can admit that i wasn’t the best girlfriend in our dating years but as time passed I’ve learned from those mistakes and haven’t repeated them since. Since we’ve married, I don’t feel the newly wed bliss or the excitement you hear about. I feel that every opportunity my husband has to leave the house, he takes it to go hang out with his friends. He wakes up and takes off. His current job situation is at a standstill because of legal issues from past charges, which explains why he’s off work. He leaves me home to do nothing but sit around. He expects me to cook and clean for whenever he gets back home, like I’m 9 months pregnant chasing after a toddler trying to keep him entertained, while on my hands and knees cleaning the house and doing laundry.. Then he expects me to cook for him. Not to mention, he has no money cuz he’s not working.. Which leaves all financial burdens on me. So that means when he’s hungry and he hasn’t eaten he must go out and buy food (for himself), when he runs out of cigarettes, I must supply the funds for it, and when there’s no gas on the car for him to go gallavant, I must provide gas money. Like is it just my hormones or am I overreacting ? In addition to all that, my birthday just passed and he ruined the whole day for me to where I ended up sitting at home alone, nor did he make the attempt to buy me a card. Whereas his birthday is upcoming this month.. And considering my income I bought him an early birthday present that will take me a year to pay off!!! Divorce is not an option for me because of my spiritual beliefs, but considering the situation it may just have to be. Am I crazy to stay in this marriage ? Is it worth fighting for ? Or should I just throw the towel in and call it quits ? I’m trying to analyze the relationship from different points but idk if my horemones are getting the best of me where I’m being selfish or what ? Help please !!!!!

By: Samantha

Samantha — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 09:33:17 +0000

Mark! Thank you for your advice

By: mark

mark — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 14:59:32 +0000

@Samantha,
I suspected that this might be the case…but didn’t want to presume and ask and offend you!!! Well, my 1st sentiment is that a pimp that isn’t even providing services, like protection, is hardly worth it!!!
Having said that, I think you have to realize, and take stock of, just how dangerous of a situation you are in. You may not feel like you are in a dangerous situation, but you are. Realize that what you are involved in is a crime. Now, personally, I consider you more a victim of exploitation that any sort of criminal, but the fact that the law considers what you are doing is a crime puts you in a very compromised position. First, if you ever were to get arrested, the state would likely look into taking your child away. Your husband will likely use this to scare you into staying if you finally decide to leave him. He will tell the court that he just found out that you are doing this, and argue that he should retain custody of the daughter: not that he probably really wants her, but he is an agent of manipulation. Also, if you are not a US citizen, they could deport your ass if they even suspected you of this.
Personally, I think your husband is a creep. I don’t think it very useful to pass a moral judgment on what he thinks about your doing this or what you think about it..i have the feeling you know in your heart what is right and wrong. But just from a humanistic point of view, he is fine sitting around and pimping you out and taking all of your money. He is further putting you into a situation where he controls you and that is basically his job. Whatever your definition of love is, I doubt it includes putting the object of your love into a dangerous situation. Of course, the problem is that being a bum at home and taking all of your money is not a crime. So, he is sitting pretty and holding you into a situation where you take on great deals of risk: from prosecution, from STD’s, from losing your daughter, and he sits around. What will happen if you get busted and can’t perform: how will he treat you then? Will he find another? Will he coerce you into getting back into it again? A second offense comes with a much heavier sentence. You are in a very dangerous situation and he is manipulating the hell out of you in my opinion. I do not really think there is much love in your relatoinship to lose. I think you need to own up to your participation in this process, and decide whether you want to clean up your act – for you and for your daughter. Think about it this way: do you think that you would be loving your daughter if you got upset at her every time she didn’t make money from doing something that is illegal? You’ve answered your own question, sister. You need to make a plan and get the hell out of Dodge. You need to look into how to get a restraining order against him (particularly if he has ever threatened or used violence against you: physically or sexually) and start learning a new trade. Start by looking at public resources and shelters: they can help you with all the paperwork to get the order, etc. Be sure to tell them about your ‘career’ because your husband likely will use this against you, but the legal aid clinic might help you to resolve this, particularly as your husband apparently gets more forceful when you aren’t “providing.” There are risks in leaving him: he is not likely going to view the loss of his free gravy train pleasantly. But the risks in staying is that you are a slave to someone who is just using you (and your daughter) for personal privileges over you, your body, and your money. Eventually, this is not going to work out great. That is so whether you leave or some other force (the police, escalating pressure/violence from your husband) puts you into action. The question is whether you want to be the person that initiates change: (figuring out how to provide for you and your daughter in a non-criminal fashion) or the state does so (prosecution, child protection services taking your kid). The clock is ticking…sorry for the tough love, samantha, but you really are underestimating just how serious and dangerous of a situation you are in. I will pray for you to have the courage to face the situation you are in and start taking steps to change. Be careful: he is likely a very dangerous person. It is not uncommon, if you put him into a corner (which leaving him would put him into the corner of having to get a job), he will become violent against you or threaten to kill himself: a typical reaction.
I mean, you say that your hubby cannot make as much money as you, but he might be able to make enough if he started learning how to do something and started working hard at it. That’s a copout to force you to keep at your current job. Hopefully, you just made this story up, because it is a nightmare.

By: Samantha

Samantha — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 21:42:31 +0000

Hi Mark,

Thanx for ur reply. I was taken out of my home being promised a better life. I was young an innocent only 19 and fell for the first guy that promised me roses. Well the first guy I ever started to love. I worked hard and studied, went for training and tried my best… I got so many jobs , but never lasted long, because I knew I deserve better, so being successful and everything I was still stressed, on antidepreSsants for about 6. Years. I went for interview and got a job at a massage parlour and when I found myself.. I was giving happy endings. My husband know how much money I make on a client and I make more money than he could ever try to. Make. Welllllll will you allow your girlfriend or wife to be exposed to other men? I poay for everything and he just take it is okay, I don’t its hectic, anycase so he knows and approves and spend $y money I worked for, is my blood and my sweat and it is taken for granted, now I must still be ready for him, I feel cold, cs if I was my wife I would not like to share my woman sorryan rather be poor, than to share my wife8x x x x x will. Continue again…

By: mark

mark — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 20:06:12 +0000

To Samantha,
You’ve got a tough case. I feel like we are only getting half of the story…I think nobody has given you advice because it is so difficult to tell what is going on. You say that it is only bad on rare occassions, but you are so unhappy, maybe there is more going on. WE ALL SYMPATHIZE with your unhappiness, but maybe we aren’t sure what to say or do becuz we don’t understand. Not sure what it means to have a man “do everything for you” on most days and then every once in a while he’s a monster. This seems so polar opposites. You sound like your bringing in money is on a daily basis: working as waitress?
Why don’t you have say over your money? Does he work at all? How come you can’t assert more control over your money? Have you tried to talk to him about it? If so, was he receptive?
Do you have no say over your money because if you try to assert some control in this area, he becomes abusive? That’s the feeling I have that makes me remain silent. Is there abuse going on you aren’t sharing? What does getting treated like shit mean?
I mean, if you are getting hit, then that’s a very different course of action than if you are just unhappy becuase he is not communicating or something.
If not abusive, then tell him you can’t take it and just need some release. Get a housekeeper, get a massage, get some friends…take some time for yourself so that you can be there for his needs. If he says you cannot, then you need to be honest, and say, heh, this ain’t working and this is a whole lot cheaper than going nuts! Plus, you are spending money based on other posts: dinners, restaurants.
Sorry – can’t give more without finding out more!

By: Samantha

Samantha — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 19:56:18 +0000

Wow Mark wee need a rooster like you between us hens, wow like your comments so far x