If you are making this for him, you're probably still in Stage 1.
This morning, I woke up before my husband, looked in the fridge and found only three eggs. I eat eggs for breakfast nearly every morning. So does my husband. This was a problem.
I did something that surprised even myself. I made myself a frozen waffle and a smoothie. Later, my husband, who was having a very difficult time getting out of bed, asked, “Are there any eggs?” I said, “There were only three eggs left, so I didn’t eat any. I saved them for you. You know I love you now.”
He smiled and said, “I do.”
Now, let me be honest here. Not long ago, I would have eaten all three eggs, and I would have done it while I thought, “If he got his lazy sorry ass out of bed on time, then he would have beat me to the eggs. You snooze. You lose.”
It made me realize that there are 9 distinct stages of marital disharmony. In these stages, I’m using eggs as an example, but it might be chocolate or English muffins or something else that you and your spouse both love and also tend to run out of before it’s time for the next grocery store run. Note: I’ve written these stages from the female point of view, because, after all, I’m a female. For the most part, you could insert “he” for “she” and “she” for “he,” except in a few somewhat obvious places where you just can’t.
Stage 1: Dating
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You drive to the store to get more, so you can make you and your special love interest omelets. You want to prove to him that you have special kitchen skills because you are hoping that, one day, he might want to marry you because of your special kitchen skills.
Stage 2: Serious dating
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You stare at them for a while. You think about eating them. You don’t. You leave them all for that special guy who is sleeping upstairs, because any day now he might get a notion to pop the question. You don’t want to do anything to dissuade him from that notion. See? Aren’t you marriage material? You leave the last three eggs for him! Who wouldn’t marry a woman who does that?
Stage 3: You just got home from the honeymoon
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You sigh. You wake up your husband and explain the egg situation. He says, “Oh, honey, why don’t you eat them? I’ll just have a slice of toast.” He’s under the misguided impression that he’ll get morning sex for this gesture. He may or may not be disappointed, depending on how many weeks have passed since the honeymoon.
Stage 4: The honeymoon is definitely over
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You split them with your spouse, but you are not happy about it. You stare longingly at his eggs the entire time he’s eating, thinking that any moment now he’ll turn back into that man who once gave you his eggs. You pledge to never have sex with him again, no matter how excessively horny you might become.
Stage 5: The honeymoon is so over that you can’t even remember why you ever wanted to travel with him in the first place
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You eat all of them nearly raw. You weren’t even planning on having eggs this day, mind you. You eat them so he can’t have them, because he doesn’t deserve them.
Stage 6: Marital therapy
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You throw them at your husband.
Stage 7: Martial therapy just might be working
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You eat them, but you feel guilty about it.
Stage 8: Wow, marital therapy actually worked!
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You make something else for breakfast.
Stage 9: You have achieved the much talked about but rarely experienced state known as “Marital Enlightenment”
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You make something else for breakfast. You make the eggs for your spouse.
Note: I have not reached stage 9. I’ve only heard about it. When I again walked into the bedroom this morning (yes, he was still in bed), my husband asked, “Are you almost done making my ham and eggs?”
I said, “I don’t love you that much. Get over it.”
What stage are you in? Leave a comment.
To help you go from a bad marriage to a good one, I wrote Project: Happily Ever After’s Relationship Rules, which details some of the techniques I used to save my marriage. It’s yours for free when when you subscribe to this blog by email. Just type your email address into the “subscribe by email” box in the upper right column. I will never sell your email, and I will never spam you. Note: if you are already a subscriber, you can still download it. Just look for the download prompt at the bottom of your email digest.
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Def. stage 6 !! Just hate every min. with him!!!
Stage 4. I never say a word, but we tend to split everything, and I wish one time he would give me his.
Stage 5 on a bad day. I’d eat them and feel victorious, though I would usually feel guilty an hour afterwords so a bit of stage 7 as well
Thanks for your post Toni. I feel like the stress of the wedding that he just had to have planned in 4 months coupled with a not-so-good honeymoon, a move, and lots of work hours has started us off with a difficult beginning. I’m glad there is hope, and it’s nice not to hear the typical “we’re honeymooners and so in love for our first year” junk. (We dated for 5.5 years b4. Honeymoon phase was well over)
I always do whatever he wants to make him happy, I’ve made so much sacrifices to make this marriage work but it seems like he does not care about me but we have a 2 years old baby girl. he is always sending sms to his grilfriends. It hurts me, if i ask about it, he decide not talk to me, ignore me, not picking up my phone, I can not study very well…. i need a help because i want to save this marriage.
I wish, after the time I initially posted, that I could say things are better. It almost feels as if we are just existing side by side now. Sex is still almost non-existent and when I do get it, it’s the proverbial wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am we have all heard so much about. No time to even feel it before it’s over. ‘Bout ready to through up my hands…
I think for the duration of our marriage (9 years now), my husband and I have been the “There’s three eggs. Break out some bread and make french toast.” Then if we have time, we lay down and cuddle, and I get to hear about how good that was.
We went in with the attitude that both people give 100% of what they have at that very moment to the relationship, and recognize that sometimes one 100 is going to look bigger than the other 100.
Most of our sex is quickies, on the technical half of it. But we spend so much time with other parts of intimacy that I rarely need an hours-long session. And it’s probably my part in the blame that I get him so worked up. Tee hee!
Yeah. We frustrate each other, but I’d have to say we’ve always been in the “dating” phase. Which is really weird, I admit. I do often wish I knew the secret so I could share it with other people.
I wake up and wish I could go back to bed, and find only 3 eggs, I go hungry so I don’t have to listen to her complain there’s nothing to eat in the house.
I would say I’m between 6 ans 7. Sometimes if I dont want eggs at that moment, I’ll take them and hide them somewhere in the refridge so he wont find them. Then I would make them for the kids or the dog.
HI all !
I would say I am DEF. at stage 6…..
I’m not sure what stage I’m in….. we are way way past the honeymoon stage as we have been married 12 years and been together for 20 and it in the blue moon we due have sex, its not even good,,,, and that’s coming from a guy’s side. I guess I would say that I would simply leave the three eggs for my wife and just find something else. That’s only because I’m at the point were I just don’t care. We are more like roommates then a married couple. So what sage is it when both people are just simply living with each other, and the eggs go uneaten.
definitely a stage 6!
LOL so what stage is the “I just don’t care”? I honestly stopped caring what he is doing, saying, or thinking. I live for the days he works and am excited everytime I hear he has overtime…not for the money but just for the peace and quiet.
We have been married 7 years and together 10 years. we have sex because he wants to but I feel voilated everytime. I thought maybe it was just me being depressed or something, but no, I am happy with everyone else in my life but him.
Even on his “good days” I cannot wait to get away from him. The goal is to wait it out until my kid is grown up and out of the house, then if I am still unhappy make a run for it. I feel I owe that to my kid, we don’t fight so she has a loving simple home to grow up in and I don’t want to complicate that.
Your situation sounds like mine. I am looking for someone to chat with…contemplating the “d” word. Good luck to you.
Wow, marraige sucks….
Priss said,
“I think for the duration of our marriage (9 years now), my husband and I have been the “There’s three eggs. Break out some bread and make french toast.” Then if we have time, we lay down and cuddle, and I get to hear about how good that was.
We went in with the attitude that both people give 100% of what they have at that very moment to the relationship, and recognize that sometimes one 100 is going to look bigger than the other 100.”
Do you think you are the only one who went it with that attitude?!! Its so frustrating listening to people in happy marraiges act like the soultion is so simple and all you have to do is…….then afterwards you can lay around and cuddle and sing songs of love to one another as birds chirp in the sunshine.
Jim– Just a gentle reminder that this is a safe place. I try to create a community here where people feel safe to offer lots of divergent opinions. I understand that you are feeling angry and frustrated. Please try not to take that out on other people who comment on the site, though. I encourage differences of opinions. I do not encourage attacking someone else. There’s a fine line. Thanks for participating and I wish you much happiness and success.
I live stage 9, I give everything to him, I am not that selfish. The problem is, I feel it is only onesided. I would be happy if I felt that he was at stage 2. He likes snuggling and does what he can to care for the family, but I feel as though he would rather I don’t exist. Maybe I should quit after 11 years.
D, I completely agree with you, we are roommates and I am tired of it, I admit that I will eat the eggs even knowing that they will probably make me sick, but it boils down to I get them and he doesn’t!
Sex still stinks, and I am getting more and more frustrated everyday…
The stage where not only do I want to hire the perdue chiken man to assist me to and take sole custody of said eggs as well as frying pan and any benifits thay may have been produced by consumption of prior eggs. Lolol typing that may have sounded like a vindictive woman but it suurreee felt gooooood.
tnx!
Hilarious … and true. I am stage 6 … maybe stage 5.
So, the question….
How do we fix it?
No one wants to live in misery. So, how do you fix an unhappy marriage? How do you feel appreciated, loved, wanted? How can I fix my marriage?
I feel like I have tried everything. Now I’m sleeping in the guest room. WTF? What happened? Therapists say leave, Church says don’t, Friends and Family claim they knew he was like this. I feel so lost.
Guess I’ll just continue taking it one day at a time.
If you are at the point of throwing in the towel but would rather see things change than end I guess I would recommend sitting down and discussing how you feel. Try not to make it an attack. This is never easy but at least it’s out in the open. If your spouse is indifferent or abusive then he…or she, doesn’t deserve to take up anymore of your life. If your spouse reacts positively then yeah…second wind! Either way, what do you have to loose?
I wish I knew, cause at this point the pain I am in isn’t worth living with. We had yet another fight last night, why the hell do I stay?!!! I sleep in the same bed and don’t want to touch him.
Toni I’m sorry to hear that. I wish I had some great word that would help, but I’m in no position to speak. I do fully understand the hole bed thing and the constant battle with yourself trying to figure out why you even put up with it all. These are all things I too have been living with for years…. but to some degree I wish my wife and I would fight sometimes. She will not engage in a fight, but simple walk away. This lack of engagement has leaked into many aspects of our relationship.
My husband doesn’t fight, he orders, demeans, and insults. He calls me childish, immature and high maintenance. Quite frankly, I am at the end of my tether.
Is it possible to contact others from this group?
I concur this can happen to men too. thanks for your thoughts.
Make that two “concurs.” Sad, but at least I know I’m not alone in feeling like I do.
Contacting others on advice would be great! I’m down with that. Well, today after church, I kind of wanted to see if he’d go along with a visit to Starbucks and to sit outside and enjoy our drinks. Now, I was expecting him to say “nah I’m just gonna go home.” Mind you, we drive seperately because he has to be at church a little early. But, to my surprise, he went with me and we sat outside. Yay! And he vaccumed the stairs later on in the day (of course after me asking him to).
Every watch those eHarmony commercials where they say they LOVE EVERYTHING about the person they found online? Gag! Give me a break! Those commercials really annoy me. I’m sorry, but some of the couples I’ve seen that “seem” perfect in public and all happy and “in love” – a year later you hear about them breaking up. I’ve always heard that marriage is “work” but then I wonder, “okay, so how much is pushing it to the limit as far as “work” goes?” And then I think, “well, maybe this is how it is?” I dunno, but today was a decent day for today. Tomorrow is another day. lol!
Wow! These comments are interesting…..Well, I waited ’til 34 to finally get married and I should have waited longer! I know that sounds bad and all, but OMG…. my H went from Great, Good to Gone…. I highly doubt he would bother saving me eggs. period. I seriously wonder if he is bi-polar. I guess I shouldn’t be so harsh as he did make me eggs Saturday morning. But, today, a beautiful, 80-degree sunny day – I am out bike riding and he is laying in bed for 4 hours?? My H has issues and it’s hard. Marriage is challenging and EVERYTHING changes once you get married. Well, it’s good to know I’m not alone here. My H keeps sleeping in the other room because he says he gets “leg shakes”. But, in all honesty, I am totally getting used to having the bed to myself with my cat laying at the foot of the bed. I am sure that couples married just over a year probably don’t have it as challenging as I do, but just know ladies – you’re not alone, but like the weather in the Midwest, I’m sure the winds of change will come eventually!
I could buy her a chicken that laid 6 eggs every morning, I would still be eating captain crunch!
LOL @ Captain Crunch!! I would have bought the wrong kind of chicken or paid to much or….etc
Definitely #6. Just unbearable. Trying to hold it together for a 9 month old. Love the article though:))
I guess we need to break the eggs on our own head for being where we are.. We made bad choices or were stupid… A bad marriage means that they dont belong together anymore.. so be civilized.. accept it was a bad decision.. shake hands and leave in opposite directions…
BSAT…. your right it’s just that clear. Thou now throw in feelings and in some cases like mine, all the years together and things seem to became a lot more muddy. I wouldn’t say I was stupid at the time nor that it was a bad choice, but that things about my wife changed which no one could have for seen. I’m sure that I’m not the only one for which this has happen too. So please don’t take my comments in anyway as some kind of attack on you. But those from someone there things are not that simple. Do I love my wife….. yes, thou the day for which I can say I do and those I can’t are starting to be out numbered.
Would cook the eggs for him & have a couple bites if I really wanted eggs. Resent cooking for him all the time because he thinks I owe him. Having kids, working half of their lives, and taking care of everything but control of the $$, how to spend it, and putting him through college counts for nothing. He is superior because he has moved up the proverbial ladder to earn a good salary. I deserve nothing but he is nice enough to pay for house, electricity, and day to day. Have to ask to spend $$ and usually he has spent it all and paid bills that he rings up & keeps us in debt. Antagonist, narcissist, asshole. Health has declined from the stress of this marriage. Best part of day is when he is gone. Sad – waste of 35 years. Love the kids and our family is destroyed due to him moving me everywhere. No energy left … don’t leave due to $$ and all the issues a divorce would cause for kids. He would still push into my life and then I would have no way to stop any of his antics. Has always thought he is better than me although 300 lbs our entire marriage. I had to diet w/ him when I weighed 113. Asshole when I was pregnant …. I cooked, cleaned, worked … no special treatment or understanding for me during pregnancies. So, he can have the eggs. He paid for them.
Most days I’m at a stage 4, some days a stage 6. I daydream about my husband returning to the sweet caring loving man I married. I don’t think he loves me anymore, I can feel he doesn’t love me anymore; he says I’m being ridiculous. I ask him to help out with the kids and around the house; he says I don’t make him want to help. We argue almost every day and yet he leaves for work before I’m awake and he doesn’t get home at night until about 8:30/9pm, but yes, we still find time to argue. Well, actually it’ more like me getting upset over a mean or disrespectful statement from him directed at me and then him ignoring me, so not complete arguing I guess. We have 2 children, 2 years old and 5 months old, so I stay for our children but I’m so unhappy- I never imagined someone could feel this unhappy.
HI KT, my marriage started to crack when our kids were the same age as yours – husband was completely unsupportive and I had post natal depression on top of coping with my dad’s death at the same time. His version of this period is that I have gone off him – 5 years on he is still hating me for it but what can you do?
The secret is to talk yourself out of caring – and try to love him a little less everyday.
Hi Chole,
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I also have pp depression and my husband has been very unsupportive as well. This weekend I almost left him – I had nothing left to give and I was an emotional wreck, but after a long argument that finlly turned into us discussing our marriage (rather then him shutting down), we decided we’re going to continue working at it. My fingers are crossed.
Am glad I came across this article – thanks! The closet I can identify my situation would be stage 6 – that has happened several times before. The real situation for me would be him saying to me: ‘you are not the same person I married 10 years ago as you are opinionated and gets drunk and fall over, we have just grown apart, but get me the eggs and put on the tray so I can watch the golf on telly….’ Please note I have always been opinionated and liked to party….
He threatens divorce in any arguments but doesnt do anything about it – it is like a time bomb – I wish he would just leave and that I can stop loving him.
stage 9, definitely. life’s too short. thanks for the cute article!
Stage 6. Either I throw the eggs or I throw the pan. But that would be assault. So I’d just throw the eggs.
I’d make his damn eggs and go out for breakfast!
After yesterday I’m in stage 6!
We got married for the wrong reasons I became pregnant he had an emotional affair I was hurt still am we both made mistakes I must admit I used to be a neat freak and then the depression settled in and I could care less…he asked me to pick up marijuana for him I got caught had to spend the night in jail! In effing jail in effing jail!! I come home to find out he called his ex gf to share with her the fact that I was in effing jail! Silly me I was missing him slightly and our 2 kids a lot little did I know he was gossiping about me to his ex…
We’re passed all this, I’m just looking for someone who wants to have eggs with me in the morning (must be shared with 3 angels wouldn’t give them up for the world, even if they have his genes!)
I am having an internet relationship with someone that is fulfilling all my needs save the physical contact. The difficulty in that lies in the distance, however, at some point, we do plan to meet, and quite frankly, I can’t wait.
My thoughts on relationships and as to what is taboo have changed dramatically in the last year. The man whom I am involved (only a word choice) with and I am currently in a BDSM (not extreme, but living the lifestyle) relationship. Finding out about this has been a true eye opener and one I never realized appealed to me so much.
I like not having to be the “strong one” and being cared for. I never thought this would “float my boat”.
Yeah – I guess it’s probably a bad thing when you look forward to Monday so that you can go back to work again and not have to be home as much. And probably not good when you head the gym for 2 hours just so you can prevent being home any earlier than 8pm. Sometimes, this is how I feel. I work, come home and clean. He is not working right now. I think there is a reason why it’s called, “a housewife” and not a “househusband”. I’m sorry, but women just know how to clean thoroughly and do a better job at organizing and tidying everything up. So, right now, our marriage is just challenging because not only am I working full-time, but then I’m coming home and having to clean, etc… We don’t have kids yet, but I worry how that is all going to work out. When the weekends come, I find myself meeting up with girlfriends because he is sleeping/laying down all weekend. We’re kind of just living like roomies right now. I know that every marriage probably goes through some down times. Also, he can be quite negative at times and that is annoying to listen to when I get home from work. I wish he was just a happy-go-lucky person like he told me he was before we got married.
Don’t know how we became just room mates and not even good ones who like each other. He rarely talks to me and I wonder if I am doing right by my children. Where did the love go. Married 11 years and I wonder if this is it? Do I stay unhappy? He can’t possibly be happy.
3 young children and my fear of being alone. Am I a coward for staying or not trying to work it out.
Don’t know what stage I am in as I am a vergetarian and don’t eat eggs. Lol…..
Stage 6…. I cant stand him yet he is F***ing clingy. Need to move on but ave to wait until he settles in properly in his new job and flat. As for me my fate is unknown but dont really care just want to be happy with or without some one to love me….decided to love myself completely…:)
lol been married 21 years today.some days i would like to shove a dozen up his ass and other days prepare a gourmet breakfast. i think it has to do with feeling nurtured.When i feel like he is truly there for me i would make anything on the menu. LOL Remember what brought you together. All the eggs are part of life the hard part is both people feeling like their getting their eggs the way they like them.
well i read all these comments and i forget the stages..LOL..second marriage, my husband just checked out one day..i really don’t know what happened to him but the thoughtful, respectful, couldn’t say enough wonderful things to me about me just poofed..left emotionally. No sexlife whatsoever..a peck and hug when home from work..always together..right now it’s 1:50 on a gorgeous Saturday and he’s snoring on the couch and i’m looking for friendship on the internet. 55 yrs old and so much energy, life and love to give i could bust…so what stage is that? am about one minute away from packing up my bags and heading west!
I hear ya Jackie. Well, we’ve been married less than 2 years and I’m already dealing with someone who has no energy, never wants to do anything but sleep all day on the weekends! It’s really frustrating. He is not even working right now and I am, so my weekends are precious to me to do things and be outside in the sun and have fun and enjoy the day. While he is off all week and free to do whatever. The situation is just not a good one right now and if things don’t get better – I don’t even want to try starting a family with him. I don’t want to be married, but feeling like a single parent 5 years from now and doing everything without him because he’s sleeping his life away! I told him if he is depressed, he needs to get help.
I like the 9 stages of an unhappy marriage. It was very funny, had me cracking up with laughter the entire time….lol. I am going to read it again so I can figure out what stage I’m in:(. I would love to read your book as I am sure I will need that next once I’ve identified my stage:). This is the first blog I have ever subscribed to and I have been looking for a good one for a while:)
Very excited!!!
Stage 4 for sure, I still have hope. My husband takes of three kids everyday. He brings me dinner or anything I need and he makes me eggs every Sat and Sun the morning. So what do I have to complain about? I read all your posts and thought I was crazy in comparison to what most of you are going through. But, what do you when you are married to Mr. Wonderful and he does not talk to you? All his free time, he spends on his iPhone. We sit together on the weekends and he barely says two words, he just plays on his phone. From games, to FB, to social sites, to chat rooms, and on his late nights (two nights a week) he talks on the phone in phone chat rooms, and one one discussions with whom…who knows, I refuse to start dialing numbers. When I am at work, he watches porn. I have known him for 20yrs, dated for 5, 12yrs apart, then back together and been married for three years. Stage 4 because I constantly wish for the days when he use to want to talk to me. He is the dutiful husband in another zone where I barely exist. Most days I feel invisible so I do what I am supposed to for my husband and my kids and I try to ignore the silence. From time to time I say “Dear, the silence is stifling” and he makes an attempt at conversation but never really breaking from the phone. At the most he just stops playing a game and just surfs Facebook, while asking about work, my day or whatever. Things are always steamy between the sheets and we still get to it regularly but in between those encounters, he doesn’t touch me much or show me any affection, except a kiss goodbye every morning and a kiss hello in the evenings. So, I say all this to say, I am emotionally starved and should I just take it as a trade off because he is great in other areas, instead of constantly plotting to leave or find someone else to fill the gap?
Sounds like it’s time to start checking the old iPhone for what is really going on. If he is having one on one convos and ignoring you, that is a huge red flag…no, a red banner, being flown. If he is watching that much porn, that is also a warning. If my husband did that, I would assume he using my body as a filler for what he is viewing, and that just isn’t right.
When things got rough for us with gaming and such, we had an electronic gaming silence time, and it helped for a while. That might be a good solution for you also.
Thanks Toni, it’s nice to know I am not crazy as I see these activities as a huge issue. I will see if I can set up some silence time:)
hell i dont know i think id still give em the eggs no matter what just to keep him happpy but there are times whan i just wanna throw em at em too
if u wanted eggs n Ham cooked for breakfast you should have got up n fixed them. You got two great working legs n arms. Have it.
Please help I’ve been upset with my husband for a few weeks he is mostly of the time very nice, but the other day a insisted that I didn’t want to eat in a cafe because a felt uncomfortable because a guy was looking at me or us I don’t know, so I asked my husband to go to another place, and then he some how got so angry an trow at me the pastry and bottle of juice, so I didn’t know what to do, I don’t think that’s an off reason to leave him, and he apologize but since then I feel so angry and unhappy!! what happen?? what should i do???
@gusanita – He’s usually nice, but he threw a pastry and a bottle of juice at you? Wow! My husband can be a grump and not so nice at times, but he’s never thrown anything at me ever. Well, I would’ve stood up and walked out of the cafe yourself. Warn your husband that you are uncomfortable next time. If he does not follow suit with you, just stand up and walk out of the cafe. Sometimes, in a marriage, you have to do what is best for you. Your husband would’ve gotten up and left eventually. You, meanwhile, could’ve take your entact pastry and gone and sat on a nice, lovely bench outside and enjoyed the day. That is what I would’ve done.
If I left her the eggs she wouldn’t notice. If I ate them she wouldn’t let me forget. I would probably leave them and secretly hope she got food posioning and would be sick for days. What stage would that be?
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