Project Happily Ever After

Part 3 of a four part Sex Advice Series. Go to Sex Advice Part 1 to read from the beginning.

How Long Great Sex Really Lasts, a blog I wrote a while ago, became wildly popular late last week, generating thousands of page views and lots of comments from single men who I can only assume are still in their 20s.

In the blog, I’d explained that I was a sexual sprinter. The blog was an attempt at humor. I was making fun of myself and my post-parenthood sex life, especially because, no matter how much I try to hold out and make things last in the bedroom, my husband seems to quite consistently push me over the edge within roughly 10 to 12 minutes.

Basically I have the female version of premature ejaculation.

Apparently my attempts at humor and self-deprecation fell short. Apparently, these men didn’t get any of my jokes. That hurt a little, especially because I’m a professional writer. I do try my hardest to make people laugh. I guess I’ll just have to try harder, you know?

Anyway, here’s a sampling of some of their comments:

“What a way to diminish your humanity and possibly lose your significant other.”

“I would change my life to make time for what really matters.”

“Hehe, she pretends to be happy with their 10 minute “quickies” but there’s a deep undertone of her longing for a man like me who can give it to her all night long.”

Someone accused me of sublimating my deep insecurities about my sexual performance and fears of intimacy by objectifying my husband and blogging about it. He said I was close-minded and that I didn’t want negative comments on my blog. He said I had issues with intimacy and my priorities were all wrong. He even even accused me of not loving my husband.

I came away thinking, “Who knew sex was this controversial?”

Which is why, today, I’d like to set things straight.

Your Sex Life is Normal If…

You like to do it for hours and hours at a time.

You like it over and done as fast as possible.

You like to use whips and paddles.

You just like to get naked—no special outfits or props required.

You like when your spouse barks like a dog.

You like when your spouse is completely quiet.

You can have multiple orgasms. (If this describes you, would you please consider guest posting here with a step-by-step instruction manual, though, because this is something that I’d like to experience).

You can only have one orgasm at a time.

You like to do it every day.

You like to do it once a week or less often.

You like it from behind.

You like it from in front.

You only like one position.

You like to try 100 or more positions every single session.

You like porn.

You don’t like pron.

You like to do it outside.

You like to make sure all of the shades in the house are closed.

You like to shower first.

You prefer things to be a tad scenty.

You like to work up a robust odor before getting down to business. The stinkier, the better.

You like to think about naked women when you are doing it.

You like to think about naked men when you are doing it.

You like to think about naked animals when you are doing it.

You like to think about naked unicorns while you are doing it.

You don’t like to think about anything when you are doing it. You are Zen and in the moment.

You like to use things that require batteries.

You don’t like to use things that require batteries.

You like it in the kitchen, in the living room, in the basement…

You only like it in the bedroom.

You don’t mind having the dog or cat on the bed.

You can’t stand having the dog or cat on the bed.

You like to do it on airplanes.

You don’t like to do it on airplanes.

You wish you wanted to do it on airplanes, but you just don’t.

You like a freshly groomed bikini area.

You like it au natural. You don’t shave your armpits, either.

You wear lingerie.

You don’t wear anything.

You wear granny panties.

You wear a Tarzan outfit.

You wear your wife’s wedding grown.

You wear your husband’s underwear.

You like it in the morning.

You like it at noon.

You like it at night.

You like it morning, noon and night.

You like oral.

You can’t stand oral.

You can orgasm without clitoral stimulation.

You can only orgasm with clitoral stimulation.

You like to say, “Daddy give it to me,” at the top of your lungs.

You like to moan and groan.

You don’t like to say anything.

You like fast thrusting.

You like slow and gentle thrusting.

You like it so slow that you’re almost at a stop.

You like to be in charge.

You like your partner to be in charge.

You like to share who is in charge.

You like to film yourself.

You think there is something wrong with people who like to film themselves, but you wouldn’t mind watching their material.

I’m sure I left out a few other very normal sexual styles and personalities, but I did try my best to include everyone here. If you think I left something out, please leave a comment and let me know. Despite what people might tell you, I do enjoy and encourage discussion on this blog. I don’t just want positive comments about how great I am (although those are certainly nice and they do certainly make my day). If you disagree with me and want to tell me about it? Please leave a comment.

Your sex life is not normal if…

You can’t reach orgasm.

It hurts.

You dread it.

You don’t feel safe.

You do it because you’re worried about losing your lover. You don’t do it because you like it.

You wish you were having sex with someone else.

You feel resentful.

Again, I might have left a few things off the list, here. Please leave me a comment if something comes to mind.

I’m sure you get the idea. Sex should be something you enjoy and look forward to. It should not be a chore, and it definitely should not hurt. If that’s the case, something is wrong. You might have a health problem. You might need lubricant (again: organic coconut oil). You might need to see a sex therapist. You might need to examine your relationship with your lover.

By the way, after all of the comments on the previous blog, I was feeling a wee bit sensitive. After all, the whole thing caught me off guard. It just so happened to be a bad time of the month for me, if you know what I mean. So I asked my husband, “These men commented on my blog and told me that I was a terrible lover. Do you want me to last longer in bed, because I’m willing to try if it’s important to you?”

He said, “Please don’t. I can barely hold out as it is.”

I said, “And that’s why I married you.”

What do you think is normal and not normal in the bedroom? Leave a comment, even if you do not agree with me.

Want more sex advice? Read Sex Advice Part 1 and Check out tip #149 in today’s Toilet Paper Entrepreneur’s post How to Get Happy Fast.

Read Sex Advice: Part 4.

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