Ten years ago Friday, I married my husband. Three years ago Mother’s Day, I gave him an ultimatum: if things don’t get better around here soon, I’m outta here. Three days ago, I sat across from my husband at one of the most expensive restaurants in the Lehigh Valley in celebration of our 10th anniversary.
I can say with conviction that I’m glad I stayed and worked things out. I’m not here to tell you that every marriage can be saved. Some marriages just can’t. Some marriages suffer from irreparable problems, with the biggest being this: only one spouse out of two wants to make things better.
It only takes one person to have a bad marriage, but it definitely takes two to have a good one.
If you are currently mired in a bad place and both of you are willing to work on things, I’d like to give you some hope.
Here are 13 key differences between a bad marriage and a good one:
1. When your marriage is bad, your spouse will continually break promises, and you will stop trusting him as a result. For instance, my husband promised to wake up early and make me breakfast I don’t know how many times when we had a bad marriage. He never actually did it. So, when, Thursday night, he said, “I’m going to get up early and make you breakfast tomorrow,” I said, “uh huh.” I didn’t believe him. The next morning? He got up early and made French toast and bacon. I almost cried.
2. When your marriage is bad, you will henpeck your spouse into doing any number of things, ranging from folding the laundry correctly to buying the right brand of milk at the grocery store. Your spouse will make a sport out of not doing the things you ask, because he doesn’t see the point. He’s not going to get laid anyway. Why bother? When your marriage is good, your spouse will surprise you by folding the laundry the way you like it folded. He won’t expect to be rewarded with sex, but you will give him that reward, because you know it just might get him to replace the toilet paper roll every once in a while… And because you like having sex with him. Bet you never thought that would happen!
3. When you are in a bad marriage, you will take your spouse’s silences personally. After you’ve worked on your marriage, you will know him better, so you will understand that him being silent just means, “I had a bad day. I don’t want to talk about it, but thank God you are in my life.”
4. When your marriage is bad, you will do all sorts of things to get your spouse to appreciate you and stop taking you for granted. You will refuse to buy his favorite foods at the grocery store and you will stop folding his underwear. Once you’ve worked on your marriage, you will just say, “I feel taken advantage of,” you’ll talk about it, and you’ll grow even closer.
5. When your marriage is bad, you will try to communicate your needs through telepathy, and you will constantly feel unloved because your spouse doesn’t take the time to listen to your silent thoughts. Once you’ve worked on your marriage, you will no longer feel unloved. When he doesn’t listen to your thoughts, you will remember to talk out loud.
6. When your marriage is bad, you will do everything possible to avoid sex. When your marriage is good, you will schedule it, because you know it’s important.
7. When your marriage is bad, you will see and comment on all of your spouse’s faults. When your marriage is good, you will learn to appreciate everything your spouse does right.
8. When your marriage is bad, you will let yourself go. When your marriage is good, you will take pride in your health and your appearance, just as you did when you were dating.
9. When your marriage is bad, you will see your spouse as the cause of your unhappiness. When your marriage is good, you will see your self as the cause of your unhappiness.
10. When your marriage is bad, you will blame your spouse for your bad marriage. When your marriage is good, you will blame the chemistry between you and your spouse for your problems.
11. When your marriage is bad, you will believe your spouse is there to take care of you. When your marriage is good, you will realize that you need to take care of yourself, and your spouse is there to support you in your quest to do so.
12. When your marriage is bad, you will complain to your friends about your spouse. When your marriage is good, you will complain to your spouse about your friends.
13. When your marriage is bad, you will see your spouse as wrong and yourself as right. When your marriage is good, you will agree to disagree.
To help you go from a bad marriage to a good one, I wrote Project: Happily Ever After’s Relationship Rules, which details some of the techniques I used to save my marriage. It’s yours for free when when you subscribe to this blog by email. Just type your email address into the “subscribe by email” box in the upper right column. I will never sell your email, and I will never spam you.
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
As usual, Alisa, this is fantastic! And I think every word of it is true. I especially like your saying that every marriage cannot be saved and that it takes TWO people to make it work. I think that’s the #1 thing ALL couples need to remember! Congratulations on making it ten years; that’s a rare accomplishment in this day and age and as you well know, it IS an accomplishment! I hope you have a fabulous week and enjoy your anniversary just as you should! Happy Anniversary, please continue to take care of yourself, and your marriage and please, continue writing for us all! (I know, you also write for yourself, me too!) God Bless Always!
-Sarah Liz
Thanks for the well wishes! I’m glad you are enjoying the site!
This blog made me cry…..
Your honesty in pointing out the ups and downs of relationships is great! Many people do not like to point the finger on themselves, but sometimes its necessary in order to achieve happiness. It is amazing how you can appreciate another person once you slow down and take the blinders off.
Alisa –
Great stuff!!! There are so many good points I don’t even know where to start! Talking things out, getting past mind reading…appreciating the good in your spouse, scheduling the sex… terrific!
Looking forward to reading more from you!
Glad to find you during #31DBBB!!!
TMB
I used to believe that my husband was the cause of the break down in my marriage but after a lot of soul searching I realized I also had a lot to do with the problems. By putting my pride to the side, I started to appreciate all of the things my husband does for us and the relationship has become a lot stronger. Articles like these are fantastic.
Xm in a sick marriage
This is great! I’m so glad I came across your webpage, it is truly helpful!
…just, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD…just don’t get married. Period.
You must be kidding about #1 and #2 right. Expectations is the one sucker which brings down a marriage. You expect your husband to make you breakfast? Why can’t you get up and make one for a change and see how much you are going to make his/her day. If you loose I/me and being selfish in a relationship it will be good for both of you. You expect and loose faith, hahaha. Also you expect him/her to fold your laundary for one and in a certain way?? Oh boy. That is really sad.
Kal–I think you misread things a bit. I make my breakfast everyday–and usually make breakfast for the rest of the family, too. Every once in a while, usually on a weekend, my husband would say, “I’ll make breakfast tomorrow,” but would not follow through. Anyway, it looks like you missed the whole point of the post, so I’ll just stop there.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..So THIS is what I signed up for? =-.
Excellent post! It sounds like you might be interested checking out our blog – husbandveruswife.com. We’re crowdsourcing relationship advice by letting readers decide who’s right and wrong in our marital disagreements
I love this post ,you have contrast so well .
.-= Kevin@marriagebooks´s last blog ..Save My Marriages E Books =-.
My husband and I have been married for 25 years this Sept.,and he is very unhappy which makes me very unhappy. We have been having problems since we celebrated our 20th in the Smoky Mountains. He must of had a really bad time. Sorry for that unnessary remark. I’m scared to keep living this way, however I’m also scared of living without him. Money is tight and we don’t believe we can afford to seperate. I only work part-time and have no benifits. I am totally dependent on him, and his insurance. I have RA, and he doesn’t believe me when I say I can’t work full-time. I never have. I was mostly a stay at home mom except for part-time jobs here and there. I have been at my current employment for just over 5 years now, and for health reasons my schedule works out well for me. This is just one reason for him to resent me. Believe me there are many other reasons he resents me. Please, if you have any advise I would appreciate it more than you can imagine. I’m very scared, confused, and lonely. Mostly scared to death!
sad but true Alisa.
I’ve been living this way every day for the past 2 years. I’ve come to a realization that my wife doesn’t know how to be in a good marriage. REAL SAD.
So helpful, thank you
I need help , 25 years with the same wife, suddenly she went back to a juvenile attitude. very different for me to accept, I love her , but I can’t accept her new attitude and secrecys. I havelived in H@#! for one year now. I just stumbled across your site and thought I would vent.
Thanks
I would like a copy pleas I am in disaray right now with my husbands stress and bad temper he just pushes me away.
HI Francine–to get a copy, please insert your email address in the blog subscription box in the upper right (where the photo of the book is). Then confirm it when you get an email asking you to. Then the posts will be delivered to your inbox and you’ll find the download link at the bottom of them. Good luck with it all. We’re rooting for you!
I would like a free copy.
I can’t tell you how you hit everyone of the bad things in my marriage in the discription of my marriage and I have no idea if my is one that can be fixed but I would really hope that it is
My husband and I have been married for 39 yrs and each years gets worse. We recently moved to a lovely home, pool,plus mother-in-law and 32 yr old son with problems of his own. Whenever I do anything there is always a disagreement and argument. He belittles me and tells me to move out if I can’t stand it here. I’ve certainly considered that, he handles all bills, insurance, etc. I feel like taking the next plane out of town and head to our place in FL, but when I’m ready to do that $ bills stand in the way. He’s very tight with money and everything is his way or no way. I really want out. Maybe a trip to FL solo would make him realize this is getting old and I won’t put up with it anymore.He has a short fuse and swears at me all of the time. I didn’t get married for this, he won’t go to counseling either. Please advise.
I too know what its like to be in a bad marriage, I went to counselling to get help, it only left me feeling worse and blaming myself more for my husbands bad temper and bad moods. He assures me daily its not my fault but still explodes with me and my children. I have tried to save this marriage and make a better family life for us all but I cant do it single handed.we are not financially secure which complicates things.I feel at this stage the children and I would be happier trying to make it on our own but my husband refuses to go as he has nowhere to go. I cry alot. I don’t suffer from depression but the situation I’m in makes me feel very low and defeated.
ross….
I see myself in 2, 4, and 6. I’d be willing to bet my husband sees me in more. I started reading your blog a year ago. just after my husband found out a big secret of mine(I fake Orgasms – in fact have never had one with another living being), and i found a big secret of his(an email affair that lasted nearly the whole first year of our marriage). Our relationship up until that point had been based on false beliefs.
So after 3 years of marriage, we started over. And when we got to a good place again, I faltered from reading the blog Daily, we stopped trying to improve our marriage, and have now found ourselves at the bottom of the mountain we were trying to conquer. again.
This time, I’m the happy spouse though. My only complaints are that he will let his laundry sit in the basket for weeks and weeks, and he often forgets to call when he will be late. He’s unhappy, and I have a hard time seeing why.
Now we I am trying to understand ‘marriage improvement’ from the other side. I’m hoping to become a more open-minded spouse. more understanding. And to start – I am understanding why, from the other perspective it was so hard for my oblivious and happy husband to try to change last year.
step one, admit defeat.
We have been married for 30 years, and I have been a stay at home mom for the last 16 years. Very much to my detriment. Marriage is an ordeal for me now, I have no income, no power, no safety net, and no one will hire me after being out of the work force for so long. The message I also get from many of you is that if you had the money you could leave and live your life as you want to. I totally agree. Ladies here is my advice. Do not quit your job and stay home with the kids for more than a couple (2-3) years. If you have a good paying job or career, hang onto it for all you’re worth. You will probably need it. Good childcare is available if you look hard enough. Work hard to maintain your own life, don’t believe wholeheartedly that marriage is a partnership, it probably isn’t. Don’t the husband have all the power. I went from being a professional to being the ‘mouse in the corner’, who’s husband and sometimes grown children belittle. Always have your own interest at heart. It’s probably too late for me, and I know other women are probably in the same situation. I am sure I’ll end up living on the streets someday, I have no savings of my own or anything other than gov’t pension.
I am in a marriage that fits all of the categories you describe. I have no interest in improving my marriage. I only want to muddle through it. I don’t like my husband and have no interest in learning to like him again. In fact, the only time I am content seems to be when he is no where around. I am not having an affair and have no interest in having an affair, just want to survive in a dead marriage because I do not want to spend any time away from my children!
Oh my goodness, Cinderella, my story is exactly the same like yours except I’ve been married 7 years and have been stay at home 6 years. I was not a professional but had a good job. We have 3 children. My husband refuses to be gainfully employed and wants to only work at commissions based jobs. We live under poverty line, but he won’t give me help with kids or to cooperate for me to find a full time job. Now I got part time job on the weekends, and he has to fend for himself with the children. I should have done this much earlier. Now I will save my money by God’s grace I can build up a little ‘nest’ and if he does not change I’ll have the leverage to leave. All of the advice you outlined from your experience is so true, I wish I had been wiser…..I enjoyed the article too, especially 1. and 2. applies to us so much, and the statement that it takes one person to have a bad marriage but two to have a good one. Good luck to all of us, courage and clear head for future decisions.
Monika
Thank you for helping me to realize that I am not alone. I will definetly try all recommendations you offered.
I am the exact opposite of some women here…I have a job and have been working to support my spouse and our 2 children while he has been out of work for 4 years now and won’t even look for a job! He was employed for 3 months last summer and quit his job on the day I went to work at mine – he couldn’t wait to quit it and was just waiting for that opportunity. He promised to find something else but has not put any effort into it at all, when I have managed to stay gainfully employed even in a tough economy and a depressed area. We, too, live below the poverty line and get food stamps (embarrassing!). We need them but my grandfather would have sooner died than let his family be on welfare – he worked his fingers to the bone and supported his loving wife and kids their whole lives. Nowdays, it seems men are like kids and want a woman to care for them. My spouse is verbally abusive, won’t do much around the house and complains when he has to and continually blames me for all our problems. I don’t criticize his faults like in the list above because I’d be screamed and cursed at and called a “sorry b—-” in front of our kids, which is what he has done recently. I am so fed up I’m about to leave with the kids and agree that he doesn’t have to pay child support just to be away from him. I am sure this book is great for marriages that have just lost some “spark” or gone down hill over time but I’m afraid we are a lost cause.
Just what I needed to read right now.
until now I can’t believe that I have a bad marriage. This made me realize that I really have a Bad one. Honestly, It cant sink into my mind & heart. Its really hurting me so much. . This made me cry. a lot.
I am a college mom working on a bachelor degree and nearly finish. I began my college career part-time in 2000 and till this day i have not graduated. we have been together for over seventeen years and our marriage is up and down, nothing has changed in terms of finance. we both likes to spend money and now have nothing to show for due to the recessions. we argues just about everything including: money, laundry, cleaning toilet which he detested, dirty under wears on the floors. being that, I have suffered a severe depressions from ptsd which causes many frictions with my husband and children for many years. I have seek help from my extended family but they rejected me. I also beg my husband to take the children and leave me alone but they won’t go. I don’t have sexual relationship with my husband because i am always irritated with him. I did everything i can to hold our family together but still i am not a happy person. Why? help what should I do?
What a joke, especially your comment about the husband making sport out of not doing chore because ‘he’s not going to get laid anyways’. good enough reason for many people, men and women to find solace and care in another relationship.
Many a woman has lead a man to the altar using sex, and shut things down after the wedding.
I’m in the process of leaving a marriage where my wife was always too tired to make love, but can sit on facebook for 8 hours at a time. I am only needed for special occasions where she needs a date. Her children treat me like dirt and her family has many health issues because they can’t eat in moderation or control their bad habits, like smoking and drinking. the woman I married is not even a shadow of herself, she is a bitter, obese witch. a far cry fromn the woman who tenderly proposed to me on her birthday not so long ago.
I can’t wait to get out of this marriage and this house and will never look back or contact her again afterwards. Glad you marriage issues worked out.
ouch – doesn’t matter -
your tale sounds rough. I hope for you that there is a future of happiness.
I feel sad that you think women “lure a man to the altar using sex” on the flip side of that think of the men that have only gone to the altar because they expected sex.
marriage is a lot more than sex, sex follows trust and compassion and understanding….
I like this great peace.
I can see some of these things in my marriage now and I’m beginning to be very unhappy. This is my 2nd marriage, so beginning to wonder if it’s me that’s at fault or maybe I just have a habit of finding selfish women who care only about what they want and what their friends/family wants. I feel like in this marriage, I have given my wife just about everything she’s wanted.. a marriage, a house, a house in the small town where she always wanted to live in, and within the last 6 months, a baby. I help out around the house a lot, not to say I do everything because she is the cook, often the cleaner, and she takes care of all the finances (but mostly because she’s a control freak and prefers to do it all). I’ve also landed a better job. But I feel like it’s just not enough. I can feel this marriage slipping away, but probably not ending in divorce because she’s afraid of the status of being divorced to her family. So instead it’s going to be a long road of loneliness for me, while she talks bad about the things I do to her family and friends but keeps the facade going to me that things are fine. We’ve only been at this a little over 2 years for marriage, but have been together about 5. I’m beginning to think I made another wrong mistake marrying her. At the end of the day I’m just someone who helps pay this bills with my job, and helps take care of our baby.. what a role for a loving husband right?
I am in 20 plus year marraige and recently found out my husband has emailed and texted and not sure whatelse to other women. We were in midst of divorce over 6 years ago and reconciled. I admit in beginning I wasn’t best wife nor did I give all I should have, but in last 2 or 3 years I have put 200% in our marriage and he in last 1 or so has done 0 to make us work. One of the women he was in contact with behind my back was person he had intimate relationship with while we were separated and I was told by our children was engaged too, not to mention she was evil to my baby boy ehrn he found out his father was talking to her again and with me crying all the time he moved in with our oldest married son and he barely comes to see us now.
I have tried to make us better but I can’t do it alone. My husband says he can’t help fact he isn’t affectionate anymore or kind for that matter. Also, he doesn’t understand.Etwhetwhy I am so hurt that he was in contact with his ex. Thing is, its not just wrong its wrong whbecause of way she treated our son and he said he needed to talk and he can’t talk to me without us fussing. But he don’t see fussing isn’t when we don’t agree its when we can’t or wont comprimise or met halfway.
He doesn’t understand that by not giving me any reasurance by affection or words that I feel as if he doesn’t care how badly I am hurt by it all. Yes 6 years ago I was one who was unfaithful and did horrible things and hurt him so badly. But when he decided that he was going to give us another shot that’s when he should have forgiven me and I did and have changed. I have tried to make up for all hurts and pains I did to him and children but I can’t change it and he wont change, because the other day in last year is 3rd time I have caught him contacting her 2 times and trying to contact another ex of his once. Not to mention the fact that he continues to go to sites and do who knows what with other women and most of the sites look to be porn sites and the ex. So now I have reached my limit and don’t think, no I know for fact I can’t and wont continue at all. The only way is if he shows me he is really not in contact with anyone but me since I have begged to be his best friend for 20 years. Also, I have found out he has spyware on my cell our computer and not to see what I am doing but more like where I am so he doesn’t get caught again and he blocks me off of sites he is on and they are good sites but like all things there is stuff on the sites that are things a married person has no business being on or participatinig in at all. So I was wondering if I am right and it should just end now or should if and only if he comes clean and does right and shows me he is and can be man he was that I loved and loved me. If I give 100 and he gave 100 we could and would great life. So what is your advice? Confused and tired and ready no past ready to throw in towel.
Oh and I know we shouldn’t have sex and yet we still do not that often but any is really too much when he doesn’t show love at all. Instead I feel like a hooker cause he asked to have sex the other day and I stated well you at least could kiss me touch me something to how he then responded well, I just gave you over 800 dollars that should be enough not to mention that he pays bills, that’s when I did but I cried during the act and he still didn’t show any love of tenderness. Then I see online he was saying sorry to her that he slept with me but after 20 years and fact he spends money here it just kinda happened. That’s because I think he was fishing for her to say don’t I want just me and you to have sex. Which she prolly did say something like that. Also, I saw where he told her he is trying to get everything in order and then he will leave me. But thing is if he feels like that I just want us to end it now. He makes great money so he will be fine after 1st month or so, on other hand it will be me its putting worst bind on because I can’t work anymore and I will have to depend on my parents who can but will control me like I am 2. So if I am willing to be in bad bind but still want to get out of this marriage I wonder why he says to me he is staying and not going nowhere that its all gonna workout if I will just let it without talking about it or him Lord forbid putting any effort in it other than money ways. He wants it all but I don’t know how to just end it my head does it was my heart that didn’t but now my heart is ready to say goodbye.
Wow. Life can be so painful! That’s the thought that came to my mind after reading all of these posts – especially since I can empathize through experience.
I once loved my ex-wife more than life itself. She was my reason for being – my sun, moon and stars. After twelve years together, she looked at me straight in the face and told me she hadn’t really cared about me for most of the relationship. Deep down I knew that, but couldn’t bring myself to admit it and leave from the beginning. I refused to allow myself to see the truth, which was my undoing. I couldn’t parse the truth between her words (I love you) from her actions (I don’t care about you).
Two years have passed since the divorce. Learning to live without her was the most painful struggle I’ve ever gone through. Having a limb cut off would likely have been less painful. The hardest thing for me to learn was that the hatred I felt for her after the divorce was really extreme disappointment in myself for getting married in the first place. The other thing that helped me was to know that loving someone so intensely and then having to let them go is like quitting crack!
Now, my sole focus in life is to become emotionally and psychologically independent. I made a promise to myself that I would never again care for someone so much that they could crush me with just a few words. No one in life is worth that kind of pain. I live a quiet, independent life; have my own home, a couple of cars, a boat, an awesome career with a six figure salary, and an assortment of great toys.
I have no desire to ever again be in a relationship, which is bizarre because that desire (to be in a committed relationship) is what pushed me to be a financially successful person in the first place. Thank God I still have that part.
I hope you all find peace in your lives.
Wow. This really made me want to cry.
I really hope life surprises you with unconditional love.
Very interesting stuff. Relationships are wonderful when we find the right person to share it with. Relationships shouldn’t be this much work however it actually should be easy.
im engaged to be married and to be honest reading these readings are a reflection of what my current relationsip is like, i’ll quit while i am ahead, i dont want to be the selfish, self minded witcht because his current qualities are turning me this way, and i am honestly trying to make this work, but he is not willing to change anything to make me happy and i have been resented by family, friends, missed oppurtunities for him…
well such is life, like i said i’ll quit while i am ahead…
hmm, well wish i could complain about him not making breakfast, instead i have to worry if i will get another std from him cheating on me again. and will there be a cure for it or not.
other women calling his phone number. i hate my life. i hate it so much.
marriage is a lie.
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