Sometimes it’s better to be a quitter
The finish line is overrated.
Many years ago, a youth running club practiced on fields just outside of my place of employment. One day, when I was walking to my car, I noticed a young boy. He was about 10 years old. His face was plump. Rolls of fat jiggled up and down on his abdomen.
He was one of twenty or so kids who were sprinting quarter miles, over and over again. He was pumping his arms. He was grunting. He was sweating. His face was beat red.
He was dead last.
I stood and watched, waiting to see his finish. I couldn’t wait to yell “good effort” and clap. He was putting everything he had into running, and it was truly inspiring to watch.
He scrunched up his eyes. He pumped his elbows a bit more.
Then he slowed down. He stopped. He bent forward and put his hands on his knees. He was about 25 yards from the finish.
“Don’t you stop now!” a woman yelled. “You stand up and you start running. Don’t you quit now like you’ve quit everything before this. If you fail at this, you’ll fail everything else for the rest of your life!”
She was his mother.
He looked at her for a moment. Then he looked at the ground. He looked back up at her. Then he stood and half ran, half walked the rest of the way to the finish.
I felt for that kid, and not just because he’d pulled the short straw in the mother department. I felt for him because, for most of the rest of his life, he would have a complex about finishing everything he started. He would repeatedly take on challenges that he abhorred. He would endure one miserable effort after another just to prove to himself, to his mother, and to the world that he was indeed not a quitter.
And it wouldn’t matter whether he succeeded or not. It wouldn’t matter whether he finished or not. He’d still be miserable because, most of the time, he’d be trying to finish the wrong race for the wrong reasons.
Crossing the Finish Line is Overrated
The first time I quit something, it was high school stage band. I played the keyboard, and I hated it. I hated the practices. I hated the black and white outfit I had to wear to performances. I hated that I’d dated one of the drummers and felt uncomfortable whenever he was around. And, truth be told, I hated that band wasn’t cool.
I wanted to quit stage band in the biggest way, but I kept showing up at practices and going to performances because I was not a quitter. I was someone who finished what she started.
Until I became a quitter.
My hands literally shook as I told the band director that I would not be showing up to another practice. I made eye contact with the floor the entire time. And I said, “I’m really sorry for letting you down” about 800 times. He said, “Okay, thanks for letting me know.”
A couple years later, I quit art, too. My mother had worked hard to pull strings to get me accepted into a two-year art appreciation course taught by Violette de Mazia at the Barnes Foundation. Miss de Mazia did not accept high school students into the program, but she made a special exception for me because she knew my mother, and my mother had no doubt convinced her that I was a brilliant artist whose paintings, one day, might hang on the walls of that very Foundation.
Every Tuesday I had an early dismissal so I could drive the hour or so from Wilmington, Delaware to the Foundation in Merion, Pennsylvania, where I sat for four hours listening to de Mazia’s lectures.
My art appreciation trips required me to miss track practice each Tuesday, so I got up at 5 a.m. those days and ran with my coach before school. They required me to miss an entire afternoon of academics, which meant I had to stay up late after I got home in order to do extra home work and reading. They also meant that I had to miss out on some of my social life, which was probably the real reason I hated going.
But I kept going for an entire year and a half before I finally quit. I kept at it that long because I didn’t want to disappoint my mother. I also didn’t want to let down de Mazia, who had made an exception for me.
But one day it snowed and, on my way home from the Foundation, I got stuck on the side of the road somewhere between Pennsylvania and Delaware. It took me four hours to get home. As soon I walked in the front door, I told my mother that I wasn’t going back.
Sometimes You Need to Quit Before You Can Succeed
I felt like a failure when I quit band and when I quit art. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized I needed to quit both in order to be a success. Band and art were the wrong races for me. Even if I had persevered, finishing those races would not have made me a winner. Finishing would have only made me one thing: a time-waster.
Writing, however, is different. I started writing in grade school. In high school, I worked on the school paper. In college I majored in journalism. My first job was at a newspaper, and I’ve been earning money to write something or other ever since.
It hasn’t always been easy. My 5th grade teacher hated my book reviews and told me I couldn’t write. I wanted to be Editor in Chief of my high school paper, but only rose as high as managing editor instead. I almost failed my first weed out journalism class at Penn State, and there were many aspects to many different writing jobs that I didn’t particularly like.
At times, I felt a lot like that fat kid who was running quarters. I wore myself out. I cried. I questioned my judgment many, many times.
But I always persevered because the writing has always come from within. I tried many times to leave it behind. I’ve gone back to school to become a sign language interpreter, a massage therapist, and a yoga teacher.
But I never became any of those things because writing has always followed me like a shadow. It won’t let me leave it behind.
My experiences with writing, art and music have taught me that some races are worth finishing, and others just aren’t. What makes the difference? Three words: Meaning, purpose, and destiny.
When you run the right race, you feel drawn to the finish line. Yes, the race might be hard. Your competitors might spit on you. Your knees or back might hurt. You might have blisters. You might even pee your pants. But if you are running the right race, you will keep putting one foot in front of the other because doing anything less results in just one sensation: despair.
When you are running the wrong race, however, you might not have a single hardship, but you’ll still think about quitting. And when you do quit, you’ll experience one sensation: relief.
My Inner Fat Kid
Whenever I’m going through a rough period with my writing, I think about that fat kid. I think about his determination. I think about his grit. I think about how very hard he tried to reach that finish line that day.
And it gives me hope. If he could push himself that hard to reach a finish line in the wrong race, I can find the courage and strength to push myself to get to the right finish line in the right race—and I don’t even need my mother to cheer me on to get there. (Although it is nice when she cheers for me, which she does often here in the comments area).
I’m happy that I quit stage band. I’m happy that I quit art.
And I’m just as happy that I didn’t quit writing.
Have you ever felt relieved after quitting? Have you ever persevered and been so glad you did? How do you keep going when you really want to stop? Leave a comment.
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Tags: failure, how to be happy
March 11th, 2009 at 11:29 am
This is fabulous! I think the AP should pick it up. I’m also glad you didn’t quite writing. You are too good.
March 11th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I meant QUIT writing. Sheesh.
March 11th, 2009 at 11:41 am
I love this piece. Is it flip to say that I quit my first marriage and it was the best decision I could have made? I feel weird saying that on “Project Happily Ever After”. It was a case where perhaps I could have held on for fifty years but the cost to my own self was too high and to be frank, I didn’t want to hang on.
There have been several times this past year when I thought about quitting blogging and my site, but each time I realized I’d be more miserable wondering “what if” than I was putting in the work, so I stuck with it.
Thanks for a great and thought provoking post!
March 11th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Tracy: It’s not flip. That’s the whole point. You are not obligated to finish anything that you start. Some races are worth running. Others aren’t. But only you know which is which. No one else can pick the right races for you.
March 11th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
This would be a great post for American Chronicle…
Maybe you would like to apply as a contributor?
I quit my second round of college, not because it wasn’t a race worth winning, but because i had faced too many obstacles to finish successfully.
I survived the 2 year journalism degree, just not the 4 year pre-psychology degree.
A lot of people have labeled me as a quitter, I believe that sometimes we don’t know if something is worth attaining if we don’t start the race in the first place. Once you try it, then decide if its for you.
Writing was my shadow too.
March 11th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
I really enjoyed this article. I have had a few activities that I quit in and felt relief. I knew it was something I did not feel passionate about doing. One in particular, was track. I hated to run then and I hate to run now. Now, on the other hand, I love playing basketball. I can play that and RUN up and down the court for hours and not even think twice about…the difference is PASSION.
March 12th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Oh wow, usually I am laughing and smiling after your posts, after this one I am crying. Nothing wrong with that! I was the fat kid, however, I did not have the annoying mom to make me make it to the finish line… I wonder if my life would be different if I did. My mom, an amazing mother (although now an alcoholic), gave me the best childhood in the world, I honestly could not have asked for a better childhood. She was, however, making up for the fact that I did not have a father in my life, and honestly when I was a child I did NOT care at all, it was only later in my life that “He” (or the thought of him, the rejection from him) took over my life, I am 33 and my mom is still trying to make up for it. As a child, I quit everything, heck at the end of it I didn’t even bother trying. I went to school, I was a good student, graduated and even attended University for 7 years (should have taken 5, but hey I was the good girl in high school, had to get my party on thanks to my student loans). But I often wonder what it would have been like if my mom pushed me a little more, but as a single mom she did the best she could, gave birth to me at 15 (and kept me), gave me the world, I don’t even know why I would question that, but I am curious. So I am now 33, I have my own apartment (only because mom sold our house and I had to find a place) mom and her husband who I hate (I am sorry, I know that is a bad word, but I can not help myself when it comes to him) are living with me for a small time, but it is driving me insane (that is a whole other topic), and I am living on disability due to chronic depression.
Geeze that was a long intro into what I really wanted to say. I found my love, my passion, my everything several years ago. It has saved me from myself so many times I can not count. That is photography. If you wish to check out some of my work (I have 1000 of pics I have yet to work on) http://www.flickr.com/amysimages
I am currently in the process of applying for photography school and I am scared to death. Out of all of my work, most of which I still have to go through, I must choose only 20 images that represent my style. That is not the most scary part, since I am on disability they have programs for retraining, but since I have a diploma and a degree in business I have a huge fight against me, since they consider me ‘trained’. However, it is the education that helped me get to where I am today. I bounced from job to job, never happy (I did not know of my love for photography then), until one day I was a tax collector (OUCH)! I always said I would do anything for money, and this was an amazing paying job, I tried for 2 months, but I am just not that kind of person. Every morning before work I would cry like a baby in the shower, so scared this would be the day I would meet ‘me’ on the phone. That person who had tons of collection agencies calling them and seriously considered suicide as an option out. I did not want to be that person to cause someone to kill themselves (we had it happen there while I was working, which made it even more real, someone called this person, and they were later found dead with all of their bills around them. That could have been me. One monday (after 8 weeks of ‘working’ there) I was called to the office and told I had a week to improve or I would be let go, needless to say I told them where to go and how to get there pretty darn fast, then I had my breakdown in front of them and ended up in the hospital. I learned a lesson, something so new to me it was unreal, I would not do anything for money! Who was I… this new person freaked me out.
Now I am miss artsy fartsy who found their love in life, but is so scared to face the fight I have before me to make my dream come true. I am like a child who can not stand up for themselves and demand what they want out of life. I lost the fighter in me, I know she is still in there, masked by medication, fear, rejection. If this does not work out, if I can not get the funding for school (first being accepted) I have no other option in life, at least that is how I am feeling now.
I don`t know if you have ever written about overcoming these kind of fears, and standing up for you, even when all of your being is so scared that instead of facing the fear, it is easier to avoid it. It is not really easier, I have not been sleeping well in weeks, basically feeling like a zombie just going through the motions of waking up, eating, sleeping… I think I have turned into my cat honestly.
My apologies for such a long post, but this really struck something in me, maybe it was the fat kid… I am the fat kid who needs that push right now and I can`t seem to find it, although I do not want to loose my dream, I am afraid my self-destrutive ways will make me do so.
sincerely,
Amy
March 12th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Amy–you can do hard this. You graduated from college. That was hard! Face the fear by breaking it down into small steps, one step at a time. Give yourself a deadline to accomplish each step. Tell someone else about your deadlines. And tell yourself, “I have to do this.” Then close your eyes and jump (this is figurative). Just do it.
A couple things that might help:
* Make a list of other hard things you’ve accomplished. Look at it whenever you think you don’t have the guts. For me, I think about the marathon I finished, even though I threw up at mile 20 and had blisters so bad that the blood oozed through my shoes. If I could do that, I can do anything. You have something in your past that you endured. Use that memory to remind yourself of your inner strength.
* Make a “feel good” folder. In this folder, store every positive comment someone makes about your photography. Keep a list of every great milestone. Look at this folder whenever you think you can’t do it.
* Do one thing every day that gets you closer to your goal, and do it first. Give yourself a reward, one that you can only have once you do your hard thing. For me, I’m not allowed out of my desk chair until I do my hard thing. Then I can take the dog for a while (something I enjoy).
June 1st, 2009 at 10:46 am
I absolutely LOVE this article!! This is one of my mottos: to keep doing something you are NOT passionate about is a waste of time. People say to me “Jamie, why did you give up on ________, if you kept going you could be great by now!” But that’s just it, if I start something and then it doesn’t WOW me right off the bat and its not something I am good at, I quit. There are soooo many other things out there I could try that would WOW me and I would be great at, but how would I know if kept wasting my time doing this thing I hate? Same goes for my first marriage, quitting that was the best decision I ever made! I love my new husband, he’s something I never want to quit! haha He loves my kids and me without judgement, unlike their father.
I quit violin, it stopped speaking to me the way it once did. I quit trying to color my art, as I only drew in pencil for the longest time. “Color eludes me,” I used to think, so I stopped torturing myself with trying to please others with their suggestions. Now, years later, I LOVE color! I paint, use colored pencils, pastels, etc. AND I am good at it! Things happen in life at the right time, don’t feel bad about giving up, it may come to you later
And if it never does, it wasn’t meant to be. Regrets are not allowed! Just move on to something else that WOWS you and keeps you interested. I formed this non-profit club that grew to 30+ members and was the President for years. It was my group, that I did, all by myself. BUT it stressed me out to the point I was screaming at my kids constantly and my bp went up. So, I quit! It was exhilarating! To walk away from something I made and put so much work into….the best feeling you could imagine! I felt free and able to do whatever I wanted. I tell you, sometimes quitting the best thing you can do!
Thank you again for writing this, I am glad to see others feel the same way as I do!
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Beautiful writing, Alisa, and exactly what I needed to hear. My favorite lines: “Even if I had persevered, finishing those races would not have made me a winner. Finishing would have only made me one thing: a time-waster.”
September 25th, 2009 at 9:05 am
“For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.”
-The Apostle Paul
Friends, don’t give up on Jesus, remember that He faced incredible odds for us, and didn’t give up. Love isn’t about what we feel, it’s about being in touch with Jesus Christ. If you run out of love for the other person, do what I have done and ask Jesus for extra love. He is the source of love, and He has loved us with an everlasting love. He also promises to finish the good work that He began in us and to complete that good work. I have had many times where I feel like throwing in the towel, but is that a reason to give up on my mate???? Certainly not…. just because it’s a rough marriage, does not mean that it is hopeless. You know, in the Bible Jesus compares being with us to a marriage, yet we divorced Him! We had that same attitude…. “This race isn’t worth it”, and we fell into sin. What was the result…. DEATH…… and not just any kind of death, it was ETERNAL NONEXISTANCE…. Forever nothing. Yet, Jesus came to this earth for you and I, and even when we did not love Him, He died for us:) I am encouraged by that message. You don’t have to give up on a marriage that is just “too hard” to deal with…. “Is anything too hard for the Lord?” Where is your faith… is it in yourself…. if this be the case then you can be sure that you will indeed end up throwing in the towel…. yet the race isn’t for our glory, it is for God’s glory. When I said “I do” to my wife, I made a covenant with God, and with His help I intend to keep it… “No matter how hard life may get” Because I am choosing to walk by faith! Faith that “He is faithful who has promised” That’s how I am able to get up every morning, and keep going
No matter how tough it gets, and I must say, that the race truly is worth it, because I love my wife, very dearly. I know that our love has a lot of growth to go through, but I also know that that is what life is all about. I was once in a pastor’s office and he told my wife and I that God was not so much concerned about our comfort in this life, but was more concerned about our character. I believe that Marriage is a little different than not being able to play some silly instrument… or having or not having a talent in some area. It is about Love, and that was always Jesus and heaven’s business business. Loving the “unloveable!” If you don’t believe me, check it out in Matthew Mark Luke and John. My message to those who are thinking about throwing in the towel is this: “Don’t give up!” Remember that Jesus is running beside you always and that He loves you, go to Him for help and strength!
(I am not talking here about being a situation where your husband or wife could physically harm or hurt you, or is sexually abusive to you, for that I believe you should get a seperation, and give the person time to see the wrong of their ways or go to counseling TOGETHER! , but if it is just something like “we aren’t compatable” I don’t think that is a reason to give up. Sure it sometimes seems like that is misery, but our focus isn’t supposed to be just on the love that we get from other humans, but the love that we get from our Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. “
October 20th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
This post reminds me a book by Bruce Wilkinson, The Secrets of Vine. That book was a relief to me… definitely influenced my life… about “pruning” areas that are unfruitful in order to let other areas grow… The idea that less is more… How refreshing that book was to me! And this post, also! It is such a relief when you realize focusing your efforts on fewer things can be so much more rewarding! And saying no becomes so much easier!
March 21st, 2010 at 9:19 am
Keep Writting goodposts.