How to Speak Your Voice: Part 3

In How to Speak Your Voice Parts 1 and 2, I dissected a recent argument between me and my husband. In this final installment of this series, I’ll provide you with just about every technique I’ve used to go from someone who routinely swallows her words to someone who voices them.

First, however, I need to address all of the reasons why us Recovering Doormats tend to swallow our words. These are the excuses that run through our minds, the very excuses that encourage us to shut up when we should really be speaking up.

“He should know why I’m ticked.”

Yes, it would certainly be nice if your spouse had ESP. It would also be nice if AIG Bank discovered a trillion dollars sitting around in a supply cabinet. The truth of the matter is this: your spouse probably has no idea what you are thinking, what you want, or even why you are mad. The only way to can get what you want: ask.

“If I confront my spouse, things are going to get really ugly fast.”

Unless your spouse is truly abusive—in which case you should get out—this is your fear talking. I’ve confronted many, many people since finding my voice. As a result, I can tell you one thing with great confidence: you can never predict how anyone will react to you speaking your voice, but your greatest fears will rarely, if ever, materialize. I, for one, can say that I have not once been sorry that I dared to speak up, but I’m very sorry for all of the times throughout my life when I suffered in silence.

Although you cannot predict how your spouse will react to you speaking your voice with any more accuracy than your spouse can read your mind, you can predict what will happen if you don’t: your marriage will stay just as miserable, or it will get even worse.

“I’m just hormonal.”

Maybe you are. Maybe you aren’t. If I’ve learned anything during the past few years of working on my marriage it’s this: feelings are always valid. I like to think of PMS and hormonal surges as an emotional PET Scan. Once a month, my hormones get out of whack and suddenly I’m aware of all of this angst that I’ve had all month long—but was too busy to notice.

“It’s not nice. I’ll hurt his feelings.”

You might hurt his feelings but, by saying nothing, you hurt yourself because you cheat yourself out of your own happiness. You deserve to be happy just as much as your spouse deserves to be happy. Sticking up for yourself does not make you a bad or a mean person. It makes you authentic.

“This is really my problem, not his. If only I was a better wife, this would not bother me.”

Welcome to my world. For many years I did not complain to my husband about his behavior because I had this idea in my head that the perfect wife would not be bothered by such things. Well, you know what? I was bothered. It doesn’t matter if that makes me a bad wife (and, by the way, it doesn’t). As I said before, all feelings are valid. It doesn’t matter if your other married friends would not be bothered by what bothers you. It doesn’t matter if your mother would not be bothered by it. What matters is that you are bothered, and you don’t deserve to feel that way. You deserve to be happy just as much as your spouse deserves to be happy. More important, if your spouse truly loves you, he’ll want you to be happy, even if it’s a slight inconvenience for him.

How to Speak Up

The first time you speak up will be the hardest. Then it will get progressively easier. To get yourself to speak up, use this advice:

Know the symptoms. It’s time to speak your voice when you notice any of the following: tightness in your throat (major giveaway), anger, resentment, thoughts of him dropping dead, thoughts of replacing him with the “perfect husband.”

Own your feelings. Remind yourself that you deserve happiness. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid. Remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with you for feeling sad, angry, or overwhelmed, but there is something wrong with trying to pretend you don’t feel that way.

Think about what you want. Most arguments end in failure for one reason and one reason only: neither partner has an objective. Now let me be clear about something here. Your objective is not to win the argument, and it’s not to make your partner feel bad, either. I’m not exactly sure why we humans evolved to think that making someone else feel bad will somehow make us feel better, but we somehow have. I’m no exception. My knee jerk reaction when I am angry with my husband isn’t to tell him why I feel hurt or how I want him to change, it’s to come up with some witty yet snarky remark that belittles his very existence. This strategy gets me nowhere, though.

What does work is this: knowing what I want to accomplish before I ever open my mouth. That’s why I often wait so long to open my mouth in the first place. In part, I want to make sure a string of curse words don’t accidentally fly out, but I’m also trying to figure out why I’m mad and what I want my husband to do about it. Figuring out what you want, though, isn’t always easy, as it wasn’t for me yesterday as I wrote in Speak Your Voice Part 2. To figure out what you want, ask yourself:

• What behavior do I want him to change? This needs to be very specific. “Be more sensitive to my needs” is not specific. “When I’m working on the computer, I’d appreciate it if you would mute the TV,” is specific.

• What do I want to know? Are you unsure of his feelings for you? Is there something about him that you want to better understand?

• What do I want him to know? Do you feel as if he just doesn’t get you? Do you want him to understand you on a deeper level?

• In my perfect world, what would my husband be like? By the way, the answer to this question is not, “Hugh Jackman.”

Also, trust yourself. Pay attention to those thoughts that run through your head and those feelings in your gut. They are telling you something! Listen. The voice is in you. Let it out.

Find a good time to talk. Do it when the kids are not around, and when your spouse’s favorite sports team is not playing its rival on television.

Just say it, even if you say it badly. Few of us are capable of delivering a speech as well as Barack Obama. Don’t even try. Just put it out there. Whatever you do, though, don’t start with, “We need to talk.” For some reason, that phrase puts most people (women included) on high alert. Everything you say after that phrase will be drowned out by WAMP WAMP WAMP DANGER WAMP WAMP WAMP DANGER WAMP WAMP WAMP.

Instead, just launch into it. Start with whatever comes out of your mouth, but eventually include three important details: 1) A description of the situation that led to this discussion 2) How you feel about that situation 3) What you would like your spouse to do about it.

Then shut up. If he doesn’t respond (my husband usually doesn’t), say, “What do you think about what I just said? I respect your opinion.” Listen.

Now, like I said, you can’t predict how your spouse will react to you speaking your voice. Try to release your grip on your desire to control the outcome. In the end, you can ask your spouse to do something, but only your spouse can decide whether or not he actually feels like doing it. Even if your spouse takes none too kindly to your request, don’t take that as a defeat. If you got the words out of your mouth, you succeeded in speaking your voice. Congratulate yourself for that, even if he walks off in a huff.

And be patient. My husband has been known to completely shut down during our various conversations and tell me all sorts of excuses for why what I want just isn’t possible. Then, next thing I know, he’s doing what I asked. Just. Like. That.

I can’t promise the same thing will happen for you, but I can say this: saying something—even if you say it badly—is always better than saying nothing.

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What are your tips for speaking up effectively? Are there situations when it’s better to shut up than speak up? Do you have trouble speaking your voice? Leave a comment.

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