How to speak your voice: Part 2

Too bad most men don't have ESP.

Yesterday I gave you a small glimpse into the frustration known as my marriage. I did this in part so you would all know that my marriage isn’t perfect. I’m fairly certain that no marriage is. I also did it for another reason: so I could dissect the process of going from Point A (I’m so mad at you that I wish you would drop dead) to Point B (Oh, honey, I’m really glad you are in my life).

When I left off yesterday, I was closer to Point A than B. Trying to communicate with my husband while I am mired in a Point A location is like trying to nail snot to a wall. It just doesn’t work.

I yell. He shuts down. I express myself in all sorts of very creative but sarcastic ways. He shuts down. My voice sounds tense. He shuts down. I come off as controlling. He shuts down.

Now, you might-as some of my dearest friends and probably my own mother-think that this shutting down thing is my husband’s problem. He should just learn to face me down, right? Not in my opinion. In my opinion, there is only one person who I can control, manipulate and change in any significant way, and that person’s name is Alisa.

If I want a marriage that works, I need to learn how to communicate with him in a way that does not cause him to shut down, which is why I didn’t fight with my husband yesterday morning.

Speak Your Voice Rule #1: Wait Out Your Anger

I waited. I waited a long time. I waited until I got the stress of the workday out of the way. I waited until after writing yesterday’s blog, which gave me time to think through the situation. I waited until I took my dog for a walk, which gave me time to have one of those little mental conversations with myself. It went something like this:

Voice of Reason (VR): So you are going to calm down and then you are going to talk with him about this, right?

Voice of Inner Toddler (VIT): Why do I always have to be the big one here? He should know why I’m ticked off.

VR: He doesn’t have ESP. How many times do I have to tell you this!

VIT: Apparently a lot. Okay, so we’ll talk. But I don’t know what I want to say. I mean, what I want to say is that I think he’s an insensitive, lazy dumb ass.

VR: I don’t think that would be helpful.

VIT: No shit Sherlock.

VR: That wasn’t nice. You don’t have to talk to me like that.

VIT: Sorry.

VR: Forgiven. So what do you want? How do you want him to change?

VIT: I don’t know. I don’t think I want anything. Do I want him to go to the grocery store when I tell him to go? No, that doesn’t sound right. See? This is why I don’t want to deal with it. How am I supposed to have an effective discussion if I don’t know what I want?

VR: You know. Listen to that inner voice. It’s never wrong.

VIT: Thanks Yoda. That was helpful. The voice is with me, eh?

VR: You’re getting snotty again, but I’ll let it go this time because you are a writer. It seems to stroke your ego when you come up with little witty put downs like that. To answer your question: Yes, the voice is with you. Trust it.

VIT: [Silence. Thinking.]

VR: [Silence. Allowing VIT to think].

VIT: I think I just want him to understand me. I think I just want him to understand that I feel taken advantage of, and that, because of our history, something as minor as him blowing off a trip to the grocery store can make me feel as if he doesn’t love me.

VR: Bravo!

As I walked the rest of the way home, though, I had a foreboding feeling because I knew getting my husband to understand me was a lot harder than getting my husband to change his behavior.

Speak Your Voice Rule #2: Do it when the time is right

Even though I knew what I wanted to say, I waited even longer. I waited until after dinner. I waited until after bath time. I waited until after our daughter’s bedtime.

I made sure my husband and I would have no distractions.

My husband would like me to tell you that, during this waiting time, he did the following: went to the grocery store, carried groceries into the house, put groceries away, cleaned the kitchen, made burritos for dinner, cleaned up the family room, cleaned up after dinner, and made a baked ziti for us to eat throughout the week. I didn’t particularly think these details were important to this blog, but I know typing them here would warm his heart.

Speak Your Voice Rule #3: Just say it, even if it comes out all wrong

I sat next to him on the sofa.

I said, “I guess you know I’m mad, right?”

Him: Yeah, I guessed.

Me: What tipped you off? Was it when I wouldn’t help you find my keys?

Him: Yes, and maybe some other things.

Me: Do you know why I’m mad?

Him: No, I have no idea.

Me: Really?!

Him: Yeah, really.

Me: I’m mad because you didn’t go to the grocery store yesterday.

Him: That’s why you are mad?! But I went today.

Me: But I asked you to go yesterday.

Him: But I knew I could go today.

Me: But today isn’t yesterday.

Then I started laughing because, even though our discussion was failing miserably, it was failing in a miserably funny way.

Me: What if I’d wanted to give Kaarina a bath last night? I couldn’t have done it because we were out of soap.

Him: There was soap downstairs in the guest shower.

Me: There was?

Him: Yes.

Me: Well what if I’d wanted to take a shower. I realize I don’t shower very often, but what if? We were out of shampoo AND conditioner. That would have been a real inconvenience.

Him: There’s shampoo and conditioner in the guest shower.

Me: No, there’s not.

Him: Yes, there is. Go look.

Me: No, I’m not going down there to look.

Him: You can keep coming up with reason after reason why you think I should have gone yesterday, but I’m just going to keep coming up with reasons why it was perfectly acceptable to go today. You are not going to win this one.

Me, silently to myself: I wish I’d married someone else, someone who knew the words, “Yes Dear” and knew them well.

Me: Okay, we’re not getting anywhere.

Him: Why does it matter that I went today instead of yesterday?

Me: Because I asked you to go yesterday, and you decided to take a bachelor day instead. That makes me feel taken advantage of.

Him: I don’t understand.

[Lots of silence here as I stared at the wall trying to figure out the great thing my Inner Toddler thought I should have said. I couldn't remember, so I decided to trust that inner voice and just blab whatever words happened to come out of my mouth.]

Me: Let’s say you worked really hard at a stuffy corporate job and I was a stay at home mom with a kid in daycare. Let’s say you spent your entire Saturday parenting our child because I was busy attending a makeup sales conference so I can become an Avon Lady. We both know that I will earn little to no money as an Avon Lady, but you are trying to be very supportive, so you have encouraged me to go to this conference. Let’s say Sunday rolls around and I tell you, “Hey, I’m taking a ‘Me Day.’ I’ll be gone all day at a yoga retreat. Have fun. Oh, and we’re out of shampoo. You might want to buy some.” How would that make you feel?

Him: Not good.

Me: That’s how I feel.

Him: Oh.

Me: It makes me feel taken advantage of, like you are playing me, like you are manipulating me so you can go off and ride your bike and drink your beer and have your little bachelor fun life while your good wife earns the money to pay the bills. It makes me feel like you don’t love me.

With that, he grinned and said: But I do love you. In fact, I have a surprise for you. I’ve been working on something for you!

Me, feeling a little pink: You have a surprise? For me?

Him: Yes, in the basement. Close your eyes. I’ll go get it. Are your eyes closed?

Me: Yes.

As I heard him walk down the steps, I excitedly fantasized about my surprise. Is this what he was really doing the day before? Had I just raked him over the coals when he really hadn’t been on his bike or at a bar at all, when he’d been too busy to go grocery shopping because he’d been in the basement fixing, perhaps, the legs to our kitchen island? Had the kitchen island actually been in the kitchen during dinner? I couldn’t remember.

I was so excited.

I heard him walk up the stairs. I could feel his presence. He was standing in front if me.

Him: Okay open your eyes.

I did.

Me: You’re bringing me my coffee mug?

Him: Look at it.

Me: You cleaned it? You bleached it?

Him: Yeah. I bleached it! It’s not brown and cruddy anymore!

Me, trying to sound somewhat enthusiastic: Okay, um, thanks. It looks really nice. It was pretty stained.

Speak Your Voice Rule #4: Trust Yoda

We snuggled on the couch after that, but something about our conversation didn’t feel right to me, and it wasn’t just the fact that I’d gotten my hopes up about the kitchen island only to have them crushed with a coffee mug.

It wasn’t until partially through the following day that the uneasiness gave way and I realized that I’d been arguing with him about the wrong thing. I wasn’t mad about the grocery store. I was mad about something else entirely, something that I’m not going to go into here because this entry is getting insanely long and because some of what it was about is private. I know it’s probably quite a shocker that me, Mrs. Bikini Wax, wants to keep anything private. This is one of those rare times. Sorry to disappoint.

Anyway, we talked about this secret private issue, and we inched ourselves closer to an understanding, which brings me to…

Speak Your Voice Rule #5: Be Patient

Some issues cannot be solved in one session. Some issues, like ours, take a while because they require a big life change, and big life change does not happen overnight. In such situations, you have to be willing to make a request and then wait and see what happens next.

Which is what I am doing and will be doing for a few weeks. Tomorrow, in Part 3 of this series, I’ll provide specific tips for speaking your voice.

If you started the series here, you were probably pretty confused. Go to How to Speak Your Voice Part 1 to read from the beginning.