Comments on: How to speak your voice: part 1

By: Bannus Loken

Bannus Loken — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 23:50:20 +0000

Hey, excellent article! I will bookmark this one! Cheers

By: Leslie

Leslie — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 18:35:14 +0000

I usually do not do commenting. but thanks for this great post and looking forward to more.

By: Should you ever keep marital secrets? | Project Happily Ever After

Should you ever keep marital secrets? | Project Happily Ever After — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 14:17:02 +0000

[...] very recently, I would have told you that Speaking Your Voice would solve 90 percent of your marital issues. I assumed 10 percent of the time, it might be better [...]

By: How to speak your voice: Part 2 | Project Happily Ever After

How to speak your voice: Part 2 | Project Happily Ever After — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 21:44:40 +0000

[...] you started the series here, you were probably pretty confused. Go to How to Speak Your Voice Part 1 to read from the [...]

By: B J

B J — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 04:58:34 +0000

I gotta tell ya, Alisa – I know it isn’t easy to speak your voice. Especially if you have been raised to believe that your voice meant nothing – that your opinions and feelings didn’t matter. You enter adulthood believing all that shit. And then you get married and the myth continues – you create what you know. I continued to believe that I wasn’t worthy – basically that my voice didn’t matter. I believe that my body was trying to tell me for years that I needed to change this behavior in myself, but I kept repressing it. I am now doing better with hearing my own voice, and speaking it. Good for you for being in the now and recognizing when you need to speak up, to set your own boundaries. Most men are wired differently than us gals, and I think they have an easier time speaking their voice – it’s like they are gender entitled, if you know what I mean! Thanks for your honesty, and your vulnerablity.

By: Dee Dee

Dee Dee — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 02:51:05 +0000

Hmm, another great book is “Two fleas, no dog” by Craig Hill – one you could both benefit from… and Fireproof Your Marriage – well it might open his eyes to how much he expects from you with no gratitude in return even.
It does sound like he was at least trying… and as if you, in your ‘tired of the slackard attitude’, were not rewarding his attempts. Guys esp. thrive on attaboys – thank yous- if we can learn to give them, even when part of us doesn’t feel like it… then they’ll improve by leaps and bounds.
You are spot on when you say you are going to way until the anger subsides. Probably would also help to swallow the sarcasm, and be a self sacrificial… one more time. (Actually we end up doing it ‘one more time’ over and over.)
I’ll tell you what has worked best for me is to put it on paper, and not be there when he reads it. He has the opportunity to process it without my emotions… and I have the opportunity to write it – and try to remove my emotions as much as possible. Hopefully at the end of the day, this will be an experience that draws you closer together – helps you understand one another more. My hubby and I have been married for almost 24 years and we are still learning how to communicate best with one another.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 23:04:09 +0000

Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…

…

By: Margaret

Margaret — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 22:39:33 +0000

Maybe you should show him this blog. You explained all your feelings well here and that might give him a minute to digest it.
That is some self-centered behavior. I think there was a book by a Sea World trainer about partner training as killer whale training? You reward the good behaviors and ignore the bad. Personally I don’t think you should have to “train” another adult human being, but it’s something to think about.
If you can get a change overnight, you ought to write a book on how to do it; your complaints are legitimate and common among American men. Good luck!

By: LeAnn

LeAnn — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 19:17:56 +0000

Oh my, I think our husbands may be related! If you do find a good way of dealing with him, without the whole wishing to kill him thing, would you please share? I find that I need that myself.

By: Cate

Cate — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 16:14:54 +0000

The book Boundaries (Cloud & Townsend) or Boundaries in Marriage are really great books that can help craft responses to situations such as these.

He needs to take ownership of the issues and not “just to please” you. He has to do it because he wants to. The only way for that to happen is for him to feel the logical consequences of his actions. You will have to bite the bullet (and your tongue!) and deal with some inconveniences while he gets the message. He might have to get into the shower only to find there is *no* shampoo.

I do think, however, that asking him to do something on your way out the door might not have been entirely fair. True, he may not have had anything to do. But for someone with his tendencies, the more notice that can be given the better. It seems as though it was a “test” of some sort. You said you felt “smug”, you had a bad feeling & you checked up on him (peeked in the fridge) when you got home. It’s not entirely fair. When you had the initial discussion about the bike ride, that would have been the time for an, “oh, by the way, could you…” If he had said no, then he goes without. Yes, there was a snowstorm. Did you have basic necessities? If so, let him fall flat & feel the consequences.

I can see how frustrating this behavior could be over many years. But resorting to sarcasm and being snippy aren’t going to help in the long-run. Short-term, he unloaded the dishwasher, but it seems it was out of penance because he realized you were ticked off.

I hope things change for you both! Best wishes!