Project Happily Ever After

Last week, someone asked me for advice on motivating herself to strive for a better life.

My first piece of advice centered on something that was much easier said than done. It was this: Find and chase your dream.

People usually have trouble getting out of bed in the morning NOT because they have no true motivation. It’s because everything they are about to do for the rest of the day runs counter to their life purpose or dream. For instance, a woman might be a doctor, but her purpose is something more creative. Another person might be a stay at home mom, but she’s really driven to run a business.

We get caught up in the wrong professions for all sorts of reasons. We want to please our parents. We want a big house. We want our friends to be impressed.

In the end, though, none of that leads to happiness, and what doesn’t lead to happiness usually doesn’t lead to motivation, either.

If you desire something because you hope it will bring you money, prestige, or power, you have not discovered your dream. For example, I hear from many women who ask me to teach them how to become freelance writers. They’ve heard that freelance writers can earn a good living by working at home. They find this alluring because they are raising kids and they need money. They want to know how to write a book that will net them a $250,000 advance or how to make 6 figures by writing.

My answer to that is always: I don’t know. I’m not trying to be difficult, but I don’t know how to teach someone to do what I do. I learned how to write because I was driven to learn. I didn’t do it for the money. I majored in journalism, with full knowledge that my first job at a newspaper would pay me less than $20,000 a year. I did it anyway because I loved writing.

I’ve also rarely had trouble motivating myself to write. The words come to me. They are there when I walk my dog. They are there when I wake in the middle of the night. They are always there. For me, writer’s block is a temporary thing that lasts until the end of my latte.

When people tell me, “I want to write, but I don’t know how to get started,” I think, “Writing isn’t your purpose.” They are not driven to do it. They want it for the wrong reasons.

Your purpose is that thing you love to do. You love it so much that you would do it for free if you didn’t have to clothe and feed yourself. Yes, it’d be nice if it made you rich or famous or powerful but, in the end, you just want to do it because the process of doing it makes you happy. I write because it makes me happy. Find what makes you happy and you’ve found your dream.

I can’t tell you how to find your dream. Only you can discover it. It’s that thing you’ve always wanted. It’s that thing you keep telling yourself you can’t do because… because… because….

So many people go through entire lifetimes without chasing their dreams because they are too scared to try. To achieve a dream, you’ll have to face many fears, including but not limited to: the fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of failure, fear of change, and even the fear of being thought of as a bad or crazy person.

Chasing your dream is tough stuff, but you can do it. Here’s how.

Break your big goal down into many smaller goals. Take baby steps from one small goal to another.

Once you know your small goals, take a deep breath and go for each one. Think of yourself as the runner at the starting line of a race. You might be filled with anticipation, fear, and nervousness. In your mind, hear the gun go off. Move. Run. Stop sitting on the starting line. Run the race. Once you put yourself in motion, you’ll tend to stay in motion. Just keep putting on foot in front of the other. You don’t have to win. You just have to stay in the race.

Embrace hardship and failure. The universe usually doesn’t align for us. You might need money, but the money isn’t there. You might need energy, but the energy isn’t there. You might need family support, but the support isn’t there. You might need your computer to work, but it has decided to crash instead. You might need your car to drive, but it just won’t start.

Really.

Take me. For the past year, I’ve been trying to write this blog and finish and market a memoir about my marriage. I’m already an established writer, so you’d think this would be easy, right? Oh, so not right. Let’s take a look at the failures I’ve faced along the way:

• My hosting company deleted my entire blog in October. Yes, deleted it. I’m not embarrassed to admit that I cried.

• I had an idea for an essay about how going to bars alone brought me closer to my husband. I took an essay writing class. I worked closely with my teacher to fine-tune it. I sent it to The New York Times. They rejected it. I sent it to More magazine. They rejected it. I sent it to a number of other magazines. They all rejected it.

• I had this bright idea to ask David Sedaris, my favorite writer, to blurb my memoir. I’d read in his most recent book that he’s always wanted a shoehorn. I bought one for him on Ebay. It’s an antique. It’s solid brass. It’s adorable. I spent an entire week crafting a cover letter to him. I used my BEST jokes in that letter. My best! I did research. I learned that he doesn’t use email and that he lives in France. I tracked down his literary agent in New York. I sent her the book, cover letter and shoehorn and asked her to forward the entire package onto David. I even offered to pay for the postage. I gave her my FED EX account number. Two days latter, the entire package came back to my house. The agent told me that David rarely blurbs books, even those that are written by “established writers.” I got that she didn’t think I was an established writer. I cried. I told my husband why I was crying. He said, “David who?” That, at least, made me laugh, but I cried some more, too.

Those are just three examples of many, many, many failures. Whenever I fail, I tell myself the following: “The only thing worse than trying and failing is not trying and never knowing whether or not you would have failed or succeeded.” Try to learn from each set back. Allow hardship to mold you into a better, stronger, more determined person.

Accept unpredictability. You can’t micromanage the universe. It does not always give us what we want, and it doesn’t necessarily give us what we need, but it usually gives us something. Try to notice the little gifts that the universe sends your way.

Watch inspiring movies. Think: It’s a Wonderful Life, Rocky, Breaking Away, Chariots of Fire, Field of Dreams and the Shawshank Redemption.

Create a “feel good” folder. In it, store every positive sign that you are moving in the right direction. In my “feel good” folder, I store nice emails that people like you send to me. I read them whenever I’m plagued with doubt. They help to remind me that I am doing this for a reason.

Assemble a “feel good” posse. These are people who understand that you are your own worst critic. Tell them what types of feedback you need, and when you need it. Lean on them whenever you feel immobilized with fear. Ask them to remind you why you are chasing this dream.

Isolate yourself from naysayers. We all have them in our lives. You don’t need anyone telling you that you can’t do this. If someone does tell you this, use that comment as a motivating force. Prove that person wrong.

Blind yourself to fearful thoughts. For instance, I’m currently writing a proposal, a sales document, that my agent will soon take to publishers to gauge their interest in the memoir. In my mind, I have two scenarios that play out, over and over.

Scenario #1: Agent takes proposal to a number of publishing houses. They all indicate an interest in seeing the full manuscript. He provides this. They all love it and want to meet me. I go to New York for three days of interviews, leaving status updates on Facebook throughout that say things like, “Broadway loves me,” and “Free Press loves me even more.” They argue over me, tossing more and more money my way. I choose a publisher. The book comes out. It goes to #1 on the best seller list. Oprah says it is her favorite read of all time. David Sedaris calls me, asking me for advice. He has writer’s block. I forgive him. He and Hugh and me and my husband all vacation together in Fiji.

Scenario #2: Agent takes proposal to a number of publishing houses. No one expresses an interest. They all say, “This isn’t a good fit for us,” or “She’s just not famous enough” or something like that. I cry. I’m inconsolable. I can’t write anymore and end up on disability.

In order to find the courage to work on the proposal, I have to ignore Scenario #2 and focus on Scenario #1. I like to think of myself as one of those horses with blinders. I’m trotting past a sign that says, “Alisa are you crazy? Everyone is going to laugh at you!” but I don’t see it because of the blinders. I trot past another sign that says, “Just face it. You suck. Get over it,” and, again, the blinders block it out. Then there’s the sign that says, “Your life would be so much easier if you would just accept that this isn’t meant to be.” Not looking at that sign, either. Just not.

And you shouldn’t either. Dreams are the stuff that makes life worth living. Have the courage to try to catch yours.

This is Part 1 of a two-part series. Keep reading. How to Face Your Biggest Feat Part 2 is just as good as part 1.

Do you have a dream? What’s stopping you from chasing it?

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 17th, 2009 at 10:35 am and is filed under Happiness advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.