How to face your biggest fear: part 2
Just jump in!
Since I wrote How to Face Your Biggest Fear, a few people have emailed, saying, “I’m stuck on the starting line. How do I take that first step?” Good question. I suggest you do four things.
1. Set a deadline for yourself. Put it on the calendar. Tell at least one person about it. On this day, you will take one step toward your goal. You will start your race.
2. Figure out what your first step will be. Make it a really easy one. For instance, if you want to work on your marriage, it might be writing your husband a letter about your problems. If you want to change careers, it might be meeting with a career coach for the first time.
3. Silence your inner critic. Just tell that inner “I can’t do this” voice to shut up already. This is easier said than done, so I’m going to spend most of the rest of this blog entry explaining a few ways to do this.
4. Close your eyes and jump. More on this at the end of this blog entry.
How to Silence Your Inner Critic
Your inner critic is that voice in your head that keeps telling you, “I can’t.” It might say, “I can’t” in all sorts of creative ways. For instance, mine often tells me, “I’m not smart enough. I’m not talented enough. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have what it takes. I’m crazy for wanting to do this.”
The key to shutting up the voice isn’t necessarily in arguing with it. Seriously. Think about how that might go:
I’m not smart enough.
Yes I am.
No I’m not.
Yes I am!
Been there. No, you need to find comebacks that completely end the argument, comebacks that make it impossible for your inner critic to keep criticizing. I’m going to walk you through a few of my personal favorites.
I’m Not Good Enough, Smart Enough….
Tell that voice: “So what? I’m going to try anyway.”
Successful people are not necessarily smarter or more talented than you are. Most of them are successful for one reason and one reason only: they had the courage to try.
This is Going to Be Too Hard
Before I get to the comeback for this, I’m going to tell you a long-winded story about my first marathon. It was San Diego’s first-ever Rock N Roll Marathon. The race was supposed to start at some God awful early time, and all of us good, prompt, nervous runners showed up even earlier than needed to make sure we had enough time to stand in line for the port-o-lets at least 6 times. (In case you didn’t know, most runners develop overactive bladders during the moments just before a race.)
Then all 30,000 of us lined up and waited for the start. We looked at our watches and waited some more. We waited and waited and waited. The race officials were still towing illegally parked cars off the racecourse. The race was delayed 45 minutes or so. We all sat on the pavement as the sun rose and the temperature climbed.
It was the most excruciating 45 minutes of my life. During that 45 minutes I had every negative worrisome thought imaginable: What if I can’t finish? What if it hurts too much? What if I can’t keep up with my pace team? What if I have to take a bathroom break? What if it gets too hot? What if I lose my nerve?
With each passing minute, I grew more and more tense.
When the starter’s pistol finally fired, I was relieved.
Sure, there were plenty of tough sections of that marathon. My knee stopped working properly around mile 20, but that pain was nothing compared to the agony of sitting at the start.
Now for your comeback.
Tell that voice: “The hardest part of any journey is the first step. The longer I anticipate the journey, think about the journey, and obsess about the journey, the more and more stressed out, sad, and downright disillusioned I will become. Take that first step and I will find relief.”
What if I Fail?
I’m going to tell you yet another story. This time I’m trying to overcome my fear of heights. I’m at Yosemite National Park, and my husband and I have decided to climb to the top of Half Dome, an 8,842 foot granite mountain. It’s roughly 8.5 miles from valley to mountaintop, with an elevation gain of 4,800. The final 400 feet are nearly vertical and they are on bald rock, providing a panoramic and clear view of the valley thousands of feet below.
That part of the hike is so steep that Park Officials have installed steel cables for handholds.
I figured if I could do Half Dome, I could do anything.
It was an all day hike.
I stopped a half-mile or so short of my goal. I just got too scared. I froze in place and told my husband that I could not, under any circumstances, go on. I came close to having a full-blown panic attack at 8,000 feet.
He calmly held my hand and brought me to a safe resting area. There I found about 5 other people who also did not have the guts to go on. One of them was a woman like me who was trying to get over her fear of heights. It was her third failed attempt.
I waited with her while my husband climbed to the top.
It was that experience that taught me an important lesson. It’s this: Failure is overrated. It’s no big deal. So I didn’t get to the top. So I didn’t accomplish my goal that day. So what? None of the other hikers laughed at me.
None of my friends teased me, saying, “You wimp!”
No one ridiculed me. No one cared. I did not regret a single step of that hike. Not one step.
Now for your comeback.
Tell that voice: “My fear of failure is worse than failure itself. I’d rather have the courage to try and eventually fail than to not have the courage to try at all.”
Now that you’ve silenced your inner critic, think back years to when you were a kid, to that first time scary time you jumped off a diving board. Run to the end of the diving board, jump as high as you can, close your eyes, and make a humongous splash. Even if you end up doing a belly flop, at least you’ll finally be in the water.
How do you silence your inner critic? What do you tell yourself to summon the courage to start? Leave a comment.
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Tags: how to face fear
March 24th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
You’re absolutely right when you say the fear of failure is worse then failure itself. In fact, those who make no attempt to climb the mountain, run the marathon, or tackle a memoir (despite wanting to) are the only ones who have failed. They’ve given up on their dream and life before they ever got started. And, yes, it’s important to put failure into perspective. A child doesn’t stop walking because she falls down a few times. An inventor doesn’t pack it in because he can’t get the invention right the first time. Failure can serve as the impetus for learning and progress. In fact, it can lead to amazing breakthroughs that wouldn’t be possible for someone “playing it safe.” Failure only results when a person doesn’t learn from mistakes and when a person is held hostage by fear. All the credit in the world to you for climbing as far as you could on Half Dome. That was brave and you were a huge success because you confronted your fear and you pushed as far as you could. Knowing when to stop as well as one’s limits is also important. Great message! Another great column!
March 24th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Thank you again Alisa for your wonderful insight. I know from past experiences that once I went and did it, it was not nearly as bad as I thought. This time I a literally frozen with fear. So my goal tomorrow is to contact my counselor and see if she will help me financially with school. I have too, I have to apply for school soon and I just keep putting it off. I have a list of people to contact really, but she is the one I am scared of the most, like she controls my dream and can take it away. Tomorrow is the day to contact her. Thank you.
Amy
March 25th, 2009 at 7:30 am
Alisa, once again you have succeeded in being my Fairy Godmother of Advice. This is one of my biggest issues: facing my fears. I have suffered from Panic Disorder for many years, and also have PTSD. Aside from any medical treatments that patients like me may receive, it is essential that we do our part to take control of that fear and be committed to change.Failure is inevitable in life, so if you fail, who cares? Its not the end of the world.
Thanks for the inspiration!
March 26th, 2009 at 9:12 am
[...] is Part 1 of a two-part series. Keep reading. How to Face Your Biggest Feat Part 2 is just as good as part [...]
March 31st, 2009 at 9:05 pm
“My fear of failure is worse than failure itself. I’d rather have the courage to try and eventually fail than to not have the courage to try at all.”
It’s taken me a long time to internalize this, and sometimes I do slip, but my life has been 100% happier.
Thanks for the great reminder post!