Q: I’ve been married for two years. We’ve lost that initial spark. Don’t get me wrong. My husband is great, but I just don’t feel in love with him anymore. Is there something wrong with me?! Can we keep the love alive?
– Falling out of love
A: Dear Falling Out of Love,
Some of the initial spark in any relationship is bound to fade. Brain experts and evolutionists will tell you a bunch of mumbo jumbo about why we feel palpitations when we fall in love, and why we stop feeling them soon after. You’ll hear all sorts of stuff about brain chemicals and cave men and seed spreading.
My take is a little different, though. In the beginning, it’s incredibly exciting to be validated. Your mind is doing a, “He likes me! He really likes me!” And you really like him because A) he really likes you B) you don’t know him all that well.
Now it’s been two years. The “he likes me” euphoria has gone the way of the Rubik’s Cube, especially now that you know about any number of his not so attractive qualities. For instance, when you were dating, I’m sure he did a really good job of cleaning his apartment, especially in the hour before you visited. Now? Not so much.
Sigh. As they say: The Honeymoon Is Over.
That said, you don’t have to become platonic friends. I’m a firm believer in keeping at least some of the love alive. Here’s how to rekindle some of the spark you once had:
1. Envision your perfect marriage. What does your husband do and not do? How do you feel? What types of things do you do together? Once you know what you want, communicate those desires to your husband. Chances are, he’ll be amenable.
2. Keep dating. Get dressed up and go out to dinner together. Go to movies together. Go on romantic vacations together.
3. Write love letters. Once or twice a year, write down everything you love about your spouse. Ask him to do the same for you. Then exchange the letters.
4. Hug at least once a day.
5. Flirt with each other. Remind your husband that you adore his male attention. Ask him to undress you with his eyes, give your rear those little love taps, and generally do all of the things he used to do when you first met. Do the same for him.
6. Be creative in the bedroom. Take turns coming up with new positions, techniques, and locations.
Keeping the love alive is as simple as remembering to love each other everyday. Keep doing all of the things you did when you fell in love and you’ll be able to stay in love, too.
Do you have advice for Falling Out of Love? Leave a comment.
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Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Can you ask my wife to read this?
2 years and you say the spark is gone/ were you together a long time before you got married?
I myself think the real good stuff, is the warm, glowing embers,
maybe the initial spark is gone- doesn’t mean that you cannot embrace what comes next.
Its possible you shouldn’t have gotten married, its possible that you would feel this way,
no matter who you married. Or maybe – you are experiencing a little “itch” that will pass.
If you were to meet someone new there would be that initial spark- but that too would
turn into the slow burning embers.its a reality.
We still have our moments where things burn hotter
and we are reminded of the intensity at which we once burned.
Maybe that moment is coming for you.
Do you love him in your gut ?
I’m trying to decide if I saw this somewhere or if I had a dream about you… but were you recently on NBC or CBS as their Marriage Expert? I feel like you were… and if it was just a dream, my dreams tend to come true!!
Hello!
Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language
See you!
Your, Raiul Baztepo
I love the writting love letters and flirting advice! You Rock girlfriend….and I’m not afraid to say it! It’s funny how your advice is very UNIVERSAL and can be translated to any relationship.
Keep up the good work and when you get a few NEW HITS….it’s my friends….thank God their relationships are dysfunctional too!
Nando
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