Q: My husband and I have a rocky relationship, but I really want things to work. We just can’t seem to get along or see eye to eye. We can’t agree on anything! We are both very defensive and can’t seem to discuss anything civilly. I know we need to talk about our problems, but how do we talk when all we do is fight?
– One Angry Woman
Dear One Angry Woman:
Because you only seem to “talk” when you are yelling, it might help to communicate by writing instead of talking. Some people do this over email, but I discourage email because it’s just too easy to say really nasty things in an email. I suggest either hand writing messages, typing them (into a Word document and then printing them), or talking them into a tape recorder. You need to have an initial discussion, though, so you both can create some ground rules. You might suggest the following:
“I am sad that we’ve been struggling to communicate in a functional way. I want us to be happy and I know we can be happy. I would like to work with you to build a better marriage. I have an idea that I think might work. I would like to correspond back and forth once a week…”
When you correspond:
* Pick one issue each to write about. Refrain from complaining about every single problem in your relationship. Write about just one problem at a time. Think of your marriage as a series of small problems that you are trying to solve.
* Try not to blame. This will be tough, because you have a lot of anger and resentment. Every time either one of you blames the other, the other gets defensive and all communication shuts down. You end up doing a “it’s your fault” …”No it’s YOUR fault!” thing that gets you nowhere.
* Organize your letters with this structure:
1. Validation: Tell your partner how much you love him and how much you want this to work.
2. Describe the problem very specifically.
3. Say how it makes you feel.
4. Suggest how he might do things differently in order for you to feel better.
5. Thank him for his understanding.
Good luck!
Do you have advice for One Angry Woman? Leave a comment.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I would start by naming something that you do wrong and how you plan to change it because you know it bothers him. I’m probably too optimistic, because I would hope that it would prompt him to do the same. Even if he doesn’t respond with his own idea of what he can change right away, at least he sees that you’re making an effort and he’ll be more open to in the future.
words – can sometimes be the least effective way of communicating.
Stop talking- just practice being in a room together, without any
words- a vow of silence-
I will say ” I am not going to talk – I am takiing a vow of silence
right now”
He can join in or not- either way – I have no words We sound like
we hate each other, we are just tired from the energy it takes to live life- we verbally throw punches, somedays its impossible to stop. I can feel it the
minute I see him. GRRR – there he is- in my space , using
up my time. YET I love this man , our life, who we are as
a couple-Heres what I know, When you are really in love with
someone- you are more willing to do the yucky stuff SO make sure
when you committ that both parties are really hot and in love
because theres alot of yucky stuff and it helps if at the
core of it all, is a real intense chemistry. An instinct to alway
work it out.
Other wise – cut your losses
Hi…. ,i m passed 1and half years together but still i feel we dont know each other neither he satisfy me in sexualy nor he show his upper love he keeps relation upto piont i feel irritation with such relation what do i do
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