Why nice girls finish unhappy
He growls at smokers and he doesn't care if that's not nice.
I spent most of my young adult life being nice, mostly in an effort to get people to like me. I defined nice as being:
- Agreeable. If someone wanted to eat at a restaurant I despised, I said, “Sure, I’ll eat there.”
- Dependable. I made sure people could count on me to accomplish anything they needed done. As a result, I said the word, “Yes,” a lot.
- Non-abrasive. I did not voice my opinions about religion, abortion, politics, and other controversial topics. If someone disagreed with me about anything, I immediately backed down and said, “Yeah, you’re right,” even if I thought they were wrong.
- Complimentary. I always told people their hair looked nice when they got it cut, even if it didn’t.
I’m sure there were some people who liked me as nice. The problem, though, was this: I did not like me that way. In order to be perpetually nice, I had to hide my true nature, opinions, and self. Nobody really knew me because I didn’t really know myself.
The constant agreeableness meant that I often had to eat at restaurants I didn’t like, listen to music I didn’t like, and see movies I didn’t like. The chronic dependableness meant that I rarely had time to myself, because I was spending all of my waking moments doing favors for other people. The non-abrasiveness often meant that I was seething with internal anger, anger that I never voiced. And the compliments just made me feel like a fake.
Why Naughty is the New Nice
It took many years for me to realize that my quest to be nice was directly leading to unhappiness. It took many more years for me to realize that doing the opposite—having the courage to be myself and stick up for myself—would not necessarily make people dislike me. If anything, it endeared me to more people than ever.
This, oddly, was a lesson that I learned, in part, from my dog. For many years, he’s had an aversion to people who smoke. His hair goes up, his ears go back, and he growls. I once asked a dog expert about it and the expert told me that smoke covers human scent, preventing a dog from getting an olfactory read on someone. Usually a dog sniffs someone and learns any number of facts. For instance, a sniff of someone’s pant leg might tell my dog, “This guy likes hamburgers, lives with two cats, uses Irish Spring soap, and had sex this morning.” When my dog sniffs a smoker, however, he thinks, “This dude smokes. What’s he hiding?”
It’s a little off putting to a dog.
I realized that my being overly nice affected other people in much the same way smokers affect my dog. It prevented them from getting a read on me. They had no idea whether or not I truly ever meant what I said or wanted to do what I did.
I also realized this: I don’t want to leave a legacy of niceness. Does anyone go down in history as the world’s nicest person? No, people are remembered for their convictions—for standing up for what they believe, even if what they believe is incredibly unpopular at the time.
When I die and people eulogize me, I don’t want them to say, “I didn’t really know her that well. She was really nice, though.”
No, when people eulogize me, I want them to have something to say. I honestly don’t care what it is, as long as it’s not that I was nice. Perhaps they will remember that I thought Barack Obama was our hottest US President ever, and that I voted for him partially because of his looks and partially because I like the sound of his voice. Yes, I’d be honored if someone remembered that, and also that I was well aware that admitting why I voted for this man meant that I was a very shallow, so not intellectual human being—and that I so didn’t care.
I want people to remember that I strived to be a person who loved to read the New York Times and the New Yorker but, in the end, am really someone who subscribes to both publications and never reads either because the words are too big and I need a dictionary to translate them.
And I definitely want people to remember that I was not ashamed to admit that I have—at times—fantasized about my husband dropping dead, among many other things that normal people are not supposed to admit about themselves.
I’d rather people know that I really love anchovies, that I hate to dance, and that I don’t sing ever. Parties and big groups of people intimidate me. And, while I’m revealing all of my ugliness, I really don’t mind if people know that I think “please, please, please don’t sit next to me” when I see a large person walk down an airplane aisle.
That certainly does not make me nice, but I hate feeling crowded, especially on airplanes and I’m not ashamed to admit it.
I’d rather let someone down than go through the motions of getting something done that I really don’t want to do.
I’d rather say nothing about someone’s outfit than lie and say that it looks fantastic.
I’d rather smile because I am truly happy than pretend to smile because I don’t want people to know that I’m sad.
I could go on and on and on. The point is that I’d rather be real than nice. I’d rather people knew all of me—even the ugly, angry, snarky parts—than not know any of me at all.
Do you think it’s better to be real or be nice? Leave a comment.
For more on How to Be Happy, check out the How to Be Happy series.
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February 25th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
There is certainly something to be said for being authentic and real. Some healthy egocentricism and narcissism (not too extreme) aren’t bad either. Not sure whey they are so frowned upon in our culture. But I do think it’s possible to be nice and authentic at the same time. It just means sticking to your values and avoiding people, events, and situations you don’t like (though there might be an occasional exception)–all while treating others nicely and with respect. The alternative, as you point out, is a person who winds up diluting all friendships and/or relationships–and perhaps coping with low-level anger that derives from a lack of self-identity and powerlessness. The key, in the end, is to be a nice person but your own person! Thanks for another thought-provoking column!
February 25th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Hmm…I’d be honored if people remembered me as nice, and my true friends would know there’s more to me, too. I’m just learning that you can be nice AND be real. It doesn’t have to be an either-or situation, and I think that’s what you’re really saying. When you see a large person and you don’t want your limited space taken up on the airplane, it’s real to think to yourself “don’t sit here” and it’s nice to not shout that out to him/her. As for not speaking up when you don’t like a restaurant, that’s not a matter of nice vs. mean. That’s a matter of being a doormat (says the reforming dormat!). I’m working to say “let’s find something we both like.” I’m getting there…
February 25th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
i’m trying to think of another sentiment, but Kristen and Sam hit my thoughts right on the head: there’s got to be a balance of nice and real. keep in mind that people have varying levels of perception when it comes to ideas like “nice” sometimes too – so when you keep it real and someone might think it’s mean or unkind, someone else might think you’re being nice for being honest.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Rebeca, you make a great point regarding different perceptions. But I think most well-adjusted adults can take “no” or “can we meet at another restaurant?” or whatever else just fine if it’s stated in a pleasant way and the other person isn’t too difficult or demanding. I tend to be very direct but nice to people. I have very few problems. I think Alisa’s topic is a good one though. And it isn’t just limited to females. We’ve all heard of women saying they’re not interested in a guy who’s good looking and intelligent because he’s too nice. Well, it sounds counterintuitive on the surface but I think it gets to the essence of what this column is about.
February 25th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…
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February 25th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Wow – sometimes, Alisa, it’s like you have been living in my body. Being ‘nice’ is what caused my own eventual unhappiness, and the loss of my identity. I am now on a path to changing this behavior in myself, an it is not easy. My ‘real’-ness has been buried for so many years, it is hard peeling back all the layers that have covered my ‘real’ up. I KNOW it is better to be real, and sometimes being real IS being nice! Sometimes it’s not. What’s important is that you are true to yourself – first and foremost, whether that means being real or being nice. Be True!
February 25th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
You can’t make a difference by being indifferent. Nice is different than kind…you can be truthful and still be kind but ‘making nice’ is really just lying! Your eulogy will ROCK!!
February 25th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Oh yes, I’m not suggesting we all turn into a bunch of grumpy meanies in order to find happiness. I’m sure we all know one of those people who cannot edit his or her thoughts and spews off hurtful comments all day long as a result. I’m not suggesting that at all. Just for those of us who are either current or recovering doormats, the focus has to go in being real for a long, long while before we ever approach anything resembling a balance. I DO believe in doing the following nice things:
* Praising people when I really mean it
* Thanking people when they do something that makes me feel good
* Saying “please” when I ask for a favor
* Helping people, but only when it does not come at the expense of my personal sanity and my time spent with family, work etc (my life goals)
I think most people probably still describe me as nice and generous (they can claim otherwise here in the comments if they want). But I’m much more balanced than in year’s past.
Many of the things that we worry will be hurtful — such as putting a voice to a need or opinion–are usually not hurtful. Sometimes, they are, but it’s better to speak our voice than to be silent in most cases. For instance, I’m sure my husband was quite hurt the night I sat him down and told him our marriage was not working, but it needed to be said because it was true and because saying it was the only path toward making our marriage work again.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I’m glad to see that there are others that feel exactly the same way I do. I’ve spent most of my life being nice to everyone, and only recently admitted that I had become a doormat. Now, if I can just work up the courage to have one of those “talks” with my husband.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Wow. What a bitch!
March 6th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
I think everyone feels like a doormat sometimes and like they are being fake when they are around people they are not comfortable with and don’t trust. In most cases, I think everyone is more agreeable when they try to be themselves, but are thoughtful to others feelings. You should never let any one cross the lines/boundaries you have set up for yourself. Then you feel angry and used. It is better to try to do what is right to your conscience. You can always change your boundaries later if you change your mind.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Agreed. I know someone close to me who acts a lot by pretending to be this really supportive person towards anything – not that he’s a bad person, but he’ll easily say he likes things he usually hates, or agree to do something just to be nice when later he’ll cancel, for example. I hate it. In a way makes it so fake, it’s such a cover, and it’s exactly what you said: makes us wonder when they’re really being themselves.
I feel like you don’t have to be mean, nor you have to be negative all the time. There will be moments when even if you disagree, you’ll feel like agreeing for the sake of it, and it’s ok – sometimes im in such a good mood that i let go things that really bother me. But making a habit out of this is the issue.
I think balance is always the answer, and oh, don’t ever be afraid to tell your opinion on controversial topics. Say it in a nice way that doesn’t hurt the listener (nothing worse than hearing that something you do is “disgusting” for example) but say it.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
I was nice for so long that I lost my own identity, or rather…my identity didn’t get a chance to be created. I was a conglomerate of everybody else’s likes and wants and needs, and I didnt know what I liked or wanted or needed. My answer to simple questions like: What makes you happy? WHat would you like to do? What are your interests? What is your opinion? was: “I don’t know.”
I’m working on that now. My first step was to learn to say No. Yes, it can be done “nicely”. Next, was to form opinions, and voice them. And next, was to explore new things. Lastly, not caring what other people think is very freeing.
March 7th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Drawing a distinction between being “nice” and being “kind” can help. A person with a kindness focus can be extremely honest, set excellent boundaries and do it all with a gentle spirit, yet still runs an extremely high risk of being thought of as a b**** by her community when she doesn’t agree or go along with what is being asked of her.
The person focused on being nice may be dishonest and even lose sight of her own sense of truth, but since she has few to no boundaries and almost always does what others ask of her (unless she is ill) her community will call her a s**** (saint, that is).
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
I definitely think it’s better to be real than be nice, although in most cases I think you can be real without always being insulting. This whole thing about being nice when it comes to women spills over into the relationships they get into (sometimes). Their focus is more on being “nice” than anything else. This was such a sticking point with me that I wrote a book about it, entitled Basements are for Women Too! It seems women are expected to always be nice first, which is not always first priority in a relationship.
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:23 pm
I think I’m nice and real, but my definition of nice might not be what many people mean when they say “such a nice girl”. I enforce boundaries, I say no, I talk about things other people might want to sweep under rugs.
“When I die and people eulogize me, I don’t want them to say, “I didn’t really know her that well. She was really nice, though.””
Hear! Hear! I’m far to zesty to be described as just a nice girl.
April 4th, 2009 at 11:37 am
[...] 4, 2009 by heather365 Tracy pointed me to a blog post about why nice girls finish unhappy and it made me think of my recent post aboutbeing nice all the [...]
April 12th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
good advice
we need to express ourselves, to be true to our feelings, (without unnecessary cruelty to others – though sometimes one has to be necessarily cruel) – been having a read of your blog – lots of good posts, very enjoyable reading.
Constantly sublimating your own feelings, wants, and needs to be nice will also make you a candidate for all kinds of cancers and illness.
i too pray “please please please no” when a really big person walks down the aisle
I thought everyone did that? lol
April 14th, 2009 at 11:19 am
I would have had sex (in my younger years) with the nice girl, but I would marry (in theory, which I believe marriage is… a theory) the latter, “real” girl. I have always been a bit acerbic, which often comes across as arrogant. At least it is a hard shell that some people need to penetrate to get to the “real” me. I think snarky IS sexy, BTW. If someone does not see it that way, they need to move down the menu, because this dish is too spicy for you.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:35 am
Sadly, in this overly PC world, people all too often equate truth with meanness and that simply is not the case. I’m with you, sister. Be real and be true to yourself. The people that don’t get it aren’t worth it in the first place
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April 18th, 2009 at 12:38 am
Thanks, Alisa, for a thoughtful article — and I loved your dog-inspired insights.
As I look back over my own life, I realized some of my more regretful mistakes occurred in part because someone acted “too nice” to me and wasn’t honest with me when it could have served me well. That’s a realization I try to carry forward in my life now, that honesty is the ultimate kindness…and it can be bundled with diplomacy and generosity.
Another lesson that took me years to learn is that I can have passionate beliefs, and these beliefs can differ from someone else, and I don’t have to try and change them to my way of thinking. It seems that I have many more conversations and foster more connections and much fewer energy-sucking, table pounding debates — and my relationships are much more stimulating and enjoyable that way.
April 21st, 2009 at 11:08 pm
It’s an interesting thought being naughty or nice … hmm that sounded a bit too much like Santa is listening … sorry … but I think honesty is the way to go. If you are in a situation and your first thought is to be nice, do it. If you wanna be a bit naughty … do that. I think you should just be YOURSELF. That’s the main thing. You want people to remember you for you … not anything else.
May 3rd, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Well, that’s all good and well and I was waiting for what your ‘convictions’ were going to be but ‘not wanting to sit next to fat people’ is not a conviction you want to be ‘not ashamed of’ – it’s superficial
May 4th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Nice is good and all but it doesn’t always pay-off. I’ve dated both types; before I got married. I like the values of being nice and also for bringing-up children. But for God’s sake if there’s a moment that pops-up where you need your mean streak, let show. Except if it’s directed toward your husband:o)
We think it’s sexy. Don’t let other girls get away w/ saying something in conversation that puts you down w/o calling them on it.
We love you- just chill, be cool.
May 10th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Hi Alena–
You’re right. This isn’t the best example to illustrate my point. It’s also a little hurtful to some, and that was not my intention. I didn’t word it well. I’m one of those people who has a somewhat neurotic need for lots of personal space. I don’t do well in crowds, on airplanes, etc. So in terms of my comment, it applies to anyone who could possibly crowd me, which includes very tall men (football player types), groups of people, close talkers, etc. It’s not something about myself that I’m proud of, but it is a part of me and I don’t feel the need to hide it, either.
My airplane thought is an example of that inner ugliness that most of us have inside of us, but manage to keep silent. Then one day we got to a party, drink too much beer, lose our inhibitions, and start saying things like that. Our friends around us think, “That’s not the person I thought I knew,” because we don’t usually share this part of ourselves. I didn’t mean to imply that these non politically correct thoughts and feelings are something to be proud of. There’s an interaction between self acceptance and self improvement that should be at play in our lives. I do think, though, that it helps to acknowledge that we have such thoughts and that we are normal and lovable anyway. It’s not the “nice” and “pleasant” aspects of our personalities that makes us endearing. It’s usually that odd quirk that some of us keep hidden because we’re too scared people would not accept us if they did not know about it.
Thanks for your comment. It inspired me to write about the difference between self acceptance and self improvement.
May 21st, 2009 at 8:01 am
I don’t know who said it but the quote “Well-behaved women rarely make history.” says a lot.
In my own life I’ve learned that “nice” often turns into a serious case of TMJ, stress and headaches. My husband often accuses me of being mean. The accusation usually follows my refusal to rub his feet or back, pull hairs off his ears, fawn over him in general. The reason I refuse is I’m tired, relaxing in bed, reading, or just plain don’t want to.
Nice is a behavior pattern that one has to resist, much like taking a second helping of pie, it’s not healthy.
July 1st, 2009 at 10:16 am
There’s nice and then there is merely being tactful. If you say, “That movie was the biggest piece of crap I’ve ever seen and the director should be shot”, it’s not very tactful. If you simply state that you didn’t like the movie, then that it was more tactful.
God bless.
August 5th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Hi Alisa ,
this is my first time leaving you a comment I discovered your blog just yesterday and i gotta say i love it!!
I love all the advice that you talk about.
You inspired me to start my own blog(which i did..just a couple hours ago)
but anyways….
i tottalllly feel you on this one.
Thats how i was for like the longest time. i was too nice and went with what everyone said. i pretty much just went with the flow
i did what others did to please them and unfortanatly dat didnt go to well for me!!
now that i am married and have a family of my own i am the one in charge and what i say goes!!!
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Great post! I feel the same way. I tend to revel in my own dorkiosity, whether anyone else likes it or not.
November 12th, 2009 at 9:38 am
No wonder you had an epiphany. What you described as your definition of nice and what you used to be has nothing to do with nice. What you used to be was spineless and two-faced. There is nothing nice about that. Hopefully, you truly figured that out, because frankly people like that give REAL nice people, who believe in themselves enough to have some tact and maybe even lift others up, a BAD name. Because of them, people mistake kindness for weakness, because weakness and deception, even the subordinate kind, are so much more common. One does not have to throw out nice to be happy, they just gotta quit being a liar to everyone, including themselves.
March 24th, 2010 at 4:23 pm
Very beneficial – continue to spread the word. Getting excited about an update. For too long now have I had the need to start my personal blog. Suppose if I wait around any more I will never do it. I’ll make sure to include you in my Blogroll. Cheers!!
May 14th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
im just coming to this revelation myself…dont be discouraged when you find out that hardly anybody else follows the same thoughts as you. just gives you more reason to continue on…ill keep my fight up if you keep yours up
you have a right to be as comfortable as you tried to make other people, doll 
July 2nd, 2010 at 6:32 pm
I disagree with your definition of niceness. I don’t consider “niceness” as needing to agree with other people. In fact, being nice comes from the inner strength that your feelings and happiness matter and you want to spread that feeling.
I agree with Matt (see above). There is no reason why you can’t share your true feelings and stay a nice person. It’s a kind assertiveness that comes, again, not from a place of judgment, but a place of honesty. Nice people live in the truth. That is something missing in your definition.
Sincerely,
The Nice Girl
alwaysthenicegirl.blogspot.com