If I were vetted for public office…

I’ve watched the vetting of potential Obama cabinet members with fascination. Each time one of them was forced to admit his dark secret involving just how many taxes he neglected to pay, it made me wonder, “Didn’t these people know Congress would figure out something as big as tax evasion eventually? Why did they try to hide it?”

I also thought this: Do any of us have a spotless record? Were Congress to vet any one of us, what dark secrets would come to light? I, for one, like to think of myself as a smart, ethical, generous person-as the perfect type of person to head a public office were I to actually have the inclination to do so. (I don’t). Yet, were Obama, Congress, The New York Times, or (most likely) the National Enquirer to dig through the past 38.5 years of my life, they would learn the following:

1.    I’ve been caught many, many times for breaking the speed limit, but I’ve only received two tickets. I’m fairly talented at the art of flirting with police officers. I’m not proud of this. I realize I have a problem but, to date, I’ve done nothing official to try to address it. The last time I broke the speed limit was this morning, when I was driving my daughter to Pre-K.

2.    I smoked pot, inhaled, got high, and had the munchies afterward on numerous occasions between 1986ish and 1992. I was too scared to buy my own pot from a dealer, so I always mooched from others. I’m sure any one of these people thought my mooching was annoying and would be willing to rat me out to the National Enquirer, especially if the National Enquirer offered to pay them for the information.

3.    I did Whippets (nitrous oxide) once in the mid 90s. I was with one other person at the time. I’m not sure whether or not he would rat me out, but I like to think of him as a trust worthy individual. I think it would be safe to try to pay him for his silence.

4.    Various roommates, friends and classmates from Penn State might possess photos of me doing any of the following: keg stands, shots, and funnels.

5.    I once did a strip tease in front of an entire fraternity to raise money for a cause that I’m sure was not very reputable. There may or may not be photos or video of me doing this.

6.    While at Penn State, I threw up in many locations, including the freshman seating area of Beaver Stadium. I did this because I was drunk, and not because I had the flu. There may or may not be photos or video documenting this.

7.    I lost my virginity when I was 14. This is not something I’m proud of or enjoy talking about. It’s also not something I recommend to other 14-year-old girls.

8.    In case it’s not obvious by #7, I was not a virgin when I married my husband. He’s aware of this, though.

9.    I’m 99.9 percent certain that there are no photos or videos depicting me naked or having sex. I have been naked and have had sex, though. I’ve had sex in a few public places (my backyard, a beach in the Caribbean, near a mountain hiking trail), but my husband and I were very discreet and I don’t believe anyone filmed us.

10. I once tried to kiss a New York City police officer. He was on duty and he was standing next to three other police officers at the time. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him toward me. Two friends extricated his shirt from my grasp and pushed me into their car before the other officers could arrest me. I have a thing for men in uniforms and I tend to get frisky when I drink. This may never change.

11.    When I am in the car alone, I obsessively press the scan button on free radio. When I happen upon any song from Michael Jackson’s Thriller, I turn up the volume until my car is vibrating, sing out loud, and perform an elaborate upper body dance. I realize this makes me incredibly unhip, but I am not willing to change my ways.

12.    When I was nursing, I once drank a little more than the safe amount of alcohol and did not pump and dump on purpose. I wanted my daughter to ingest some of the alcohol through my breast milk and nod off to sleep. It worked, but I’m not proud of this. If I could go back in time, I would not have drugged my baby. I would, instead, pawn her off on my husband and go sleep in a hotel.

13.    I’ve said, “I wish he was dead” about any number of co-workers, supervisors, and my husband. I said this phrase in front of other people. I never, however, hired a hit man or even looked into hiring one. It’s just something I tend to say when I am very angry. I usually don’t mean it, and I’d like to think I would be mortified were someone to actually drop dead after I said these words.

14.    I once researched poison on the Internet. I did not intend to use it to kill my husband. I was doing research for a novel I was writing about a woman who kills her husband. I never finished the novel, but I believe antifreeze mixed into a smoothie and served on St. Patrick’s Day would work nicely.

15.    I am a heathen. I do not practice any one religion. I practice parts of many, including but not limited to Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, and astrology. When I was in high school, I told many of my classmates that I was an atheist. It’s possible any number of them might be willing to feed this information to the National Enquirer.

16.    When I was in high school, I also went through a punk rock phase that involved partially shaving my head and claiming to be an anarchist.

17.     When I was in high school, a police officer caught me and my boyfriend going at it in a car. When he shined his flashlight through the window, I don’t believe I was wearing a shirt. He did not write us a ticket, but it’s possible he remembers this and will be willing to rat me out. I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to pay a police officer for his silence. I think it might be considered Obstruction of Justice, so I’ll just have to think of a positive way to spin this so I come out smelling like a rose.

That’s 17 strikes against me ever nailing a cabinet position. I have, however, always paid my taxes. Once the IRS sent me a letter, informing me that I owed them a dollar. I sent it to them right away, even though I thought they were mistaken.

What dark secrets prevent you from running for public office? Leave a comment.

Note: In case you were disappointed not to read a How to Be Happy post today, I’m pleased to let you know that The How to Be Happy series will resume Monday with How to Be Happy Part 4.

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