It's the goat's fault!
When I was in the midst of my quarter-life crisis, I blamed my unhappiness on any scapegoat I could find. I blamed my misery on:
My job. If only my boss would give me a raise that allowed me to pay my rent and car payment without bouncing a check, I’d be happy.
My boyfriend. If only he would stop being so God-damned emotionally distant, I’d be happy.
My landlord: If he’d just fix the heating problem so I didn’t have to wear six layers of clothes in the winter, I’d be happy.
My sources: If they’d just stop complaining about my reporting (I was a newspaper reporter) and start giving me juicy tips, I’d be happy.
My therapist: If she’d stop blaming all of my problems on low self esteem and just teach me some sort of handy mood-boosting trick, I’d be happy.
Oh, it was a long, long list. I was quite convinced that I’d pulled the short straw in life. I was doomed to experience a lifetime of unluckiness. In the end, I even thought that my unhappiness was God’s fault—for not making me a naturally happy person. I didn’t want to work at being happy. I didn’t want to change my life in order to be happy. I wanted to win the happiness lottery—without buying a ticket.
But happiness doesn’t work that way. I know that now.
Now I know that my unhappiness was my own fault. Other people didn’t make me miserable. I did. I did so by avoiding problems, not asking for what I wanted, and basically sitting back and hoping that happiness would just fall in my lap. But happiness doesn’t just happen all by itself. It’s a byproduct of living a happy life. In order to live a happy life, you must:
Own your problems. You can blame your loneliness on your ex-spouse if you want, but doing so will not result in companionship. You can blame anxiety on your boss, but it won’t make you calm. You can blame anger on your husband, but it won’t bring you love. No, in order to go from negative to positive, you need to take on the mantra: “This may or may not be my fault, but I’m the only person who can get me out of this mess.”
Do something about your problems—and don’t let fear stop you from trying. Many people write me in search of relationship advice. Invariably I tell them all the same thing, “Figure out what you want, and then ask for it.” Quite often, someone will email me back saying, “But if I tell my boyfriend what I want, he’s going to [fill in the blank with some sort of vitriol of your liking].” Yes, it’s possible your requests for help will be met with resistance (more on what to do when that happens in an upcoming blog), but it’s also possible that your request will be met with a, “Wow, sure, I’d love to help you with that.” You’ll never know until you make the request. More important, isn’t it better to know if someone is for you or against you? Why spend your life guessing whether or not your spouse, family member or friend is truly loving and supportive? Ask for what you need and find out. If this person isn’t supportive, that’s information you can use to change your life for the better. Maybe it’s time to end this toxic relationship.
This blog is part of a How to Be Happy series. Go to How to Be Happy: Part 1 to read from the beginning.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Sarah Liz (6)
Alexandra (2)
Ayelet (2)
Kathy (2)
Kerry (2)
Mandy (2)
TAY (2)
50 Proposals (1)
Amanda (1)
amy (1)
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Amen, Alisa. It took me until I was about 33 or so before I really got that resenting other people hurt me, not them. It doesn’t matter whether your resentment is justified or not, it probably is. But you are still the one suffering from it.
Taking some courses from http://moretolife.org really helped jumpstart that undertstanding.
I still make the same mistake, but usually snap out of it sooner and take responsibility for my own happiness.
First,
Thank you for this site. I only found it last week, through a good friend. I was having a hard time with life (what else is new) and she guided me here. I love it, although I am not married, not even close, I have a boyfriend who won’t even label himself as my boyfriend (but that is a whole different story). Currently, I am not working due to an illness, and illness that most people don’t believe I have, only the professionals. I love quotes, they inspire me, or help me express my feelings when you said “I wanted to win the happiness lottery—without buying a ticket.” – THAT IS ME! It’s like you were inside of my brain, I could just not find the correct words to decribe how or what I was feeling. I want it all, without doing the work, or blame everyone else for what is wrong in my life. That is a hard one to face and accept, even now, but I am going to give it my best, thanks to you. I want to apply for photography school, and I have been avoiding, like I do most things. It’s going to be a huge battle and I don’t feel strong enough to fight for what I really want in life, I have to start fighting for me or I will never come close to that happiness ticket. Thank you for opening my eyes yet again, the link I included is my photography if you wish to check it out.
My sincere thanks,
Amy
I was one of those people who emailed you for relationship advice. You told me the same thing. I did it and let me tell you…my relationship with my husband is getting a million times better. It isn’t perfect (or the perfect i know it can be) but we are more open with each other and you know what? It feels GREAT! Thank you so much!