How to be happy: part 1
Even dogs have dog days.
Many years ago, I was shooting pool with my boyfriend (not Mr. Strong and Silent). At the time, I worked as a general assignment newspaper reporter and I was tapped dry on story ideas.
“I need to write a story or I’m going to get fired,” I told him, “But I can’t think of a single thing to write about. I don’t know what to write about. What should I write about?”
He answered me with a question. “What do you want to know more about? If you could read anything, what would it be about?”
Without hesitation, I said, “How to be happy.”
I never wrote about that topic, but I did read about it. I read book after book after book and, over a period of many years, I am happy to report that some of the advice actually worked. In the slightly more than 10 years since my late 20s, I’ve transformed from a shy, anxious, negative, sad person into a content (most of the time), calm (somewhat), purpose-driven person. I laugh easily, feel in control of my life, and am loved and supported by a large network of family, friends and colleagues.
During the next few weeks, I will share what I’ve learned with you in an ongoing How to be Happy series. I hope you find it helpful.
In today’s lesson, we’re going to deal with the opposite of happiness-with anger, sadness, fear, loneliness and all of those other feelings many of us wish were never invented.
Happiness Secret #1: Be okay with unhappy
There are people who will tell you to “think happy.” They suggest banning negative thoughts. They even advise you to put on a fake smile when you feel sad—claiming that a smile on the outside will lead to happiness on the inside. Such people will tell you to try any number of physical techniques when you feel a negative emotion: exercise, meditate, take a Valium, etc.
I think that’s all a bunch of hogwash, but I didn’t always think this way. I spent years trying to force myself to never feel angry, sad, lonely, what have you. Then I took a mindfulness meditation class. One morning I had trouble getting my daughter ready for daycare. She kept kicking her legs every which way, so I couldn’t for the life of me get her pants on. I’m sure it sounds funny to read about it but, at the time, I was close to contemplating murder. So I decided to meditate.
I meditated and meditated and meditated.
Later in the week, I went to class and told my teacher, “I was really angry. So I meditated. And when I was done meditating, I was still angry. Why didn’t the meditation work?”
She smiled and said, “It worked. It made you aware of your anger.”
I gave her one of those looks Luke Skywalker probably gave Yoda 16 million times. It said, “Please stop being cryptic and just tell me how to stop being so angry.”
And that’s when it hit me: my anger was a normal consequence of my sleep-deprived life as a working mother with a kid in the midst of the terrible twos and a husband who worked 12 hour days 7 days a week. I couldn’t meditate my anger away. To feel less angry, I needed to change my life-so I had fewer things to feel angry about.
Now that I’ve worked on my marriage and my career, I’m not nearly as angry. I do have my moments, though. I also occasionally feel down in the dumps. I occasionally get anxious. I occasionally dislike very likable people.
I occasionally have all sorts of not-so-pleasant emotions and thoughts. None of them make me a monster. None of them are bad. It was only after I learned how to become aware of them, accept them, and use them as clues for how I needed to change my life that I was able to create a much more blissful existence.
The next time you find yourself trying to wish away anger, grumpiness, sadness or some other sensation, I encourage you to do the following:
Normalize it. You might say, “I’m ungodly grumpy today, and I’m okay with that” or “Gee I’m really weepy, but that’s perfectly normal. Other people cry, too. I’m not the only one.”
Remind yourself that negative emotions are not terminal. Sadness doesn’t kill you. It won’t last forever, either. If you can allow yourself to give into it and realize that it’s just a sensation, then you’ll be able to release your fear over feeling sad. Once you release the fear, the negative emotion won’t feel nearly as uncomfortable. It won’t be any more distressing than a cloudy day. Keep in mind that many people will not be this evolved. If you tell such a person, “Wow I’m really sad,” such a person will treat you like a terminally ill person, anxiously suggesting you do all sorts of things-right away-to feel better. It’s important to stay away from such people when you are feeling badly. They will do more than just make you feel worse. They’ll make you feel like a pariah.
Learn from it. Ask yourself, “Why do I feel this way?” The answer to this question isn’t always apparent, but you can get closer to that answer if you trace the sensation back to its root. What were you doing and who were you with when it first surfaced? The more often you do this, the more you will find out how certain people, situations and activities affect you. You might, for instance, realize that certain friends are really toxic to your inner world. Similarly you might understand that a certain TV show always leaves you feeling anxious.
Do something about what you just learned. Change your life for the better. Be assertive about your needs. Avoid toxic people. Ask for what you want. Rest more.
What do you do when you feel a negative emotion? Leave a comment.
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Tags: happiness
February 16th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I went through a similar phase last week. Found out some discouraging news and it really clouded my mood for the week. But, instead of being so uncomfortable by the discomfort, I allowed myself to feel bad knowing that it is ok, it was probably exacerbated by lack of sleep (I have a toddler with a cold) and that it will pass.
I also frequently use a little mantra I picked up from one of my favorite happiness bloggers Gretchen Rubin (http://www.happinessproject.typepad.com/) – Act as I would feel. So many times as I change my behavior my mood really does change and it helps.
Thanks for the post. It’s nice to hear about/relate to others going through similar things.
February 16th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
I don’t know any mother who doesn’t go through these times with our kids at the terrible twos, or the terrifying threes!
I have an awful tendency to get annoyed/upset at something and go through it repeatedly in my head. I’m starting to listen to myself and realise that I’m just going through a loop, so i can snap myself out of it. What’s the point in wasting energy (negative or positive) on something over and over again eh?
I’ve tried applying it to times when I feel lethargic, or sad, or even when I get way too hyped up about something, and so far it’s actually making me feel much calmer. It may not seem ‘calm’ to others, but it usually is compared to how I used to be!
February 16th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
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February 17th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
[...] blog is part of a How to Be Happy series. Go to How to Be Happy: Part 1 to read from the [...]
February 18th, 2009 at 1:16 am
I have also learned to simply ACCEPT my sadness, anger, whatever for what it is. I think that has been most instrumental in transforming my life. I have also learned not to be in denial and realize that once I get over my sad days that they will in fact come back from time to time. There are days when my stepson will go through his “Terrible 11s” and I am able to laugh it off instead of letting it get under my skin. I simply picture him in his much more precious moments and the honeymoon is back on!
February 18th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
[...] post is part 3 of a how to be happy series. Read the How to Be Happy series from the [...]
February 19th, 2009 at 10:28 am
[...] In case you were disappointed not to read a How to Be Happy post today, I’m pleased to let you know that The How to Be Happy series will resume Monday [...]
February 19th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
I remember you telling me about this series that you are going to do. I love it…you don’t know how much it helps to know that im not the only one to think bad thoughts LOL. Thanks
February 23rd, 2009 at 1:17 pm
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February 23rd, 2009 at 8:39 pm
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February 25th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Hi there,
great post!!
I had a really bad down in the dumps feeling just over the weekend too..
What do you do if you realise that your friends and family are the toxins in your life? Do you really just leave them? Or ignore them?
February 25th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Karen: Great question.
There will be some people in your life that you can’t get away from. In laws and blood relatives usually fall into this category. In this case, you need to use a combination of acceptance (this is just how this person is), assertiveness (when you say xxx, I feel xxx) and avoidance (not answering the phone when you are feeling vulnerable and your caller ID tells you there is a toxic person on the other end of the line). The most important thing to remember is this: Your happiness is just as important as someone else’s. The right answer for you may be different than it is for someone else–but deciding to cut certain toxic people out of your life (if needed) does not make you a bad person. It makes you human.
Thanks for the great question. I plan to blog more about this soon. You’ve inspired me.
February 25th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
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February 25th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Thank you for this wonderful post – I was having a terrible morning yesterday (as was every other woman I know… so I definitely was able to tell that I am not alone), and realized that it was ok. I had reasons to feel bad and the more I fought it the longer it would last. So, I sat down and wrote in my journal and did some exercises examining the thoughts and that eased the pressure somewhat. I was able to go out with friends last night and came home feeling much better. I definitely think many of us feel like we need to be ‘perfect’ all the time – happy happy happy. I also know that it’s human to have emotion – without it our lives would be so lack-luster and boring! Joy and happiness are a practice, and like all other practices, some days it just doesn’t go that well.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Great post! Emotions are a tricky thing. There are times when they are right on target and I just need to experience them. When something sad has happened, then a period of unhappiness is appropriate, right and natural. As you indicated in your post—our feelings can teach us something about what’s going on in our lives. Like you, I’ve learned to grow from what I become aware of. There are other times when my emotions are completely off. Although I can learn from that too, I tend to ask myself deeper and more probing questions. Why am I feeling this way? Are my feelings masking another emotions (e.g., am I really embarrassed rather than angry)?How am I handling my emotions–Am I eating my anxiety, worry or unhappiness? In such cases, I not only try to become aware of how I am feeling and behaving, but I also try to manage my feelings and if appropriate, reassess, change my thoughts and change the way I feel. Again….great post. I look forward to your upcoming entries!!!
February 26th, 2009 at 10:16 am
what i do is try to remember three good things in my life and really meditate on it. it does wonders for me… if i remember to do it!
February 27th, 2009 at 11:47 am
[...] my How to be Happy series, I recommended analyzing negative emotions rather than fearing them, asking yourself, [...]
October 19th, 2009 at 3:29 am
[...] expression of which usually come after a bit of boozeahol), but I learn to live with them. I found an article on the “Project Happily Ever After” blog, where step 1 is accepting the angry/sad feelings. Some people were telling me “You should be [...]
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November 11th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
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November 14th, 2009 at 9:29 am
hi dear..
i know that being happy is not an easy thing…but having faith …being positiv could absolutly help you
December 30th, 2009 at 1:32 am
Mother of five, I can tell you when the little one won’t get dressed…or hold still the best advise is to say “okay, we are leaving now…” and walk out the door pants in hand…she will want them on before she gets outside…problem solved. Or if your little ones are “control” junkies which 3 out of 5 were at my house, I give them one good choice (the one you want them to pick) and the 2nd choice is one they wouldn’t like, and let them decided…say Okay it’s time to put your pants on, either you can do it yourself or mommy can help you…and then leave it at that…they will choose the “help” but they get a little control. As far as happiness…I can tell you most mom’s are over worked, over tired, and the “s” on their chest doesn’t stand for “super” anything, more like “super stupid”. My advise to women, is be selfish, take of you first, because no one is going to do it for you, or stop you from over working yourself, except your self. Husbands are very good at this. They stop when the are tired, the eat when the are hungry, the play when they need or want to…and so should we.
March 7th, 2010 at 4:41 am
sooo fake
March 17th, 2010 at 4:42 pm
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May 6th, 2010 at 5:24 pm
I have written about happiness before too. “Be happy” is always very high on lists of New Years Resolations.
June 12th, 2010 at 4:54 am
Let your emotions be your guide. If you are feeling sad, angry, resentful or any other negative emotion, you need to be looking to change or remove the circumstances that make you feel that way…just like Alisa says.
But remember, the only way for you to be sad is to allow yourself to be sad. The same applies to every emotion.
If a particular event or action is constantly saddening you, then maybe you should change the way you respond to it. Recognize your negative state of mind and change your thoughts to how you will laugh about the current situation in 5 years time…or something else positive.
By all means, don’t dwell on the negatives. It will only bring you more of the same.
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June 27th, 2010 at 4:49 am
The pool noodle was created Stephen Motosko in 1999. He developed it like a swimming pool toy rather than like a life-saving product, as outlined in his patent. Stephen was also the developer of a little water-shooting toy vehicle.
July 5th, 2010 at 3:13 pm
Hi,
I quite agree with you, you get good days and bad days, that’s life. If you let the bad days get the better of you then you are just wasting your time and there are better things to do in life than be miserable. Mercifully I’ve taken on board the philosophy of what happens is what happens so I can spit adversity in the eye and carry on regardless.
Cheers,
Mike
P.S On the theme of happiness I was once christened Mr Ha Ha by the Clowns of the Bolshoi Circus, that was a fun afternoon!!!
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