Comments on: Free marriage advice: Part 3

By: Her

Her — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 16:45:35 +0000

So sad to see so many people here with the same problem as me and my husband – we have different sex drives.
It is so difficult, and honestly, good advice is hard to find. We communicate really well and talk & love each other all the time, which has helped, but we still have this problem.
I’d love to hear more about this from other couples, especially you Alisa, what do you do keep having sex regularly?

By: Kit

Kit — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 11:26:02 +0000

Okay, I need advice please.

What do I do if he has a lower sex drive than me? It’s not as though we never have sex, but it’s not as often as I like. We still have a healthy sex life, but sometimes I feel like I’m pressuring him into it.

He says when he’s tired and stressed, the last thing he wants to do is make love. He says he likes it best when he’s happy and can share and express that happiness with me. I, on the other hand, like to make love when I am stressed and tired. It makes me feel so good being so close to him, and it relieves a lot of my stress because I feel so happy and relaxed in his arms

We’ve discussed it before and we try to compromise, but it is still a source of disagreement. He claims that his sex drive isn’t very high, and that I have a voracious sexual appetite. He used to keep up with me at the beginning of our relationship with frequency, but then again the, um, “quality” has significantly improved so I suppose he’s tiring out more easily. Also, I can have multiple orgasms, so I do suppose I can be quite demanding in bed.

Am I being too selfish? Is it normal that he just simply has a lower sex drive?

Help!

By: Kit

Kit — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 11:19:30 +0000

May I offer advice? I’m not a married woman, but I hope to be one day.

During the first year of our relationship, my boyfriend was never able to get me to orgasm. And, well, I never really asked for it. Have you tried TELLING your husband that you want to orgasm?

I finally realized that it wasn’t going to just happen if I didn’t talk to him about it. I mean, it’s tricky for women! You have to TELL him how to get you there. So I told him that I didn’t want to feel like a used tissue and that instead I wanted to feel like his lover. In order for this to happen, we both had to achieve orgasm in the end. I told him if we wasn’t going to be a generous lover, then I was going to find one (maybe not a good way to approach your husband with that statement since you are married and all, but perhaps stress that it’s important to you)

Now he is such a GENEROUS lover. And it happeneed that way gradually. He can even keep going after he’s orgasmed to help me get there 1, 2, sometimes 3 times in one go. My point is, you need to tell him that it’s important and how to do it.

I’m a bit embarrassed to say this, but it’s not all him. I help with the process. I learned that an orgasm fora women sometimes/usually requires more than just vaginal stimulation. The clitoris plays a big role in acheiving orgasm. Well, he has the vaginal stimulation part taken care of. And there’s one other person left to take care of the clitoris. I’ll leave it at that

By: Ann

Ann — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 19:34:33 +0000

You know what’s a huge turn on? Having a husband who cares whether or not you orgasm. For about three years now (before I finally called it quits on the sex 6 months ago after an unrelated issue) if I didn’t get off during sex, well, we’d try again next time. If I was almost there and he finished first? Too bad, maybe next time. I finally perfected the art of getting him off as fast as possible, so I didn’t have to deal with it any more. Conveniently, he couldn’t tell when I was faking it even if I was cringing in pain. Not that he didn’t love me, I’m fairly positive he does, but frankly all the helpfulness and sweetness in the world doesn’t make for good foreplay, when you know how the game’s going to end.

By: Shelly

Shelly — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 13:56:48 +0000

Matteo J,
I don’t think men realize that the problem is not that we aren’t aware of the weight. So they think telling us we’re fat in various subtle ways will fix the problem. They say things like, “YOU’re hungry tonight!” or “Wow, you cleaned your plate. I can’t eat another bite” thinking this will send the message without hurting us. This is NOT subtle, and you need to know that it achieves the OPPOSIT result you want.
When a man says such things, it depresses a woman (even if she acts angry or defensive, she’s really hurt). So she grabs a donut to get that sugar high and feel better. Then she feels guilty about the donut. It’s a vicious cycle.
What works? Get yourself active and eating healthy. Say nothing to her. As far as she knows this is not about her. You are making a personal choice to do this for yourself. Buy no junk food. Ask her to keep any junk food she buys in a special, high cabinet, since YOU are trying to cut out unhealthy food. Tell her you’ve been talking to a buddy, reading an article, whatever. And then you do it. You model the behavior you want to see in her. You will need to keep at it for a while, but eventually, she’ll want to join you. But it needs to be her decision, so you can’t invite her. Wait for her to ask to join you on your walk or share your salad. Just say yes and change the subject. No praise. No fanfare. You want to communicate the message that you love her as she is. This works with me. Make sure your exercise of choice is something she can join you at easily. Walking is always good. If you make healthy living look appealiing, she’ll want to do it too. Just keep at it and be patient.
A word about sexual attraction. You need to put down the magazines and turn off the TV. Those are not real women. Next, you need to strive to see what is beautiful about your wife and let her know. Her eye color is still the same, for example. She needs to be happy so that she’ll stop filling the void with food. One of the best ways to make her happy is to show her affection every day. Hug her, sit next to her, hold her hand, touch her hair while you talk with her, kiss her like you mean it. Treat her like a lover.

By: Shelly

Shelly — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 13:41:46 +0000

I KNOW THE FEELING, STEPHANIE! In my relationship, he is the one with the low sex drive. I haven’t had a headache in 13 years, I tell you! He doesn’t ever reject my advances, but he only initiates about once a month, maybe. This is a far more difficult issue, considering the social and romantic stereotypes I hear on a daily basis. If men want it all the time, if women need to be more sexually williing, what’s wrong with us? It makes a woman wonder if she is just that sexually repulsive ( I am not a supermodel, but I am not obese either. I’m an average-sized 38 year old woman). I’ve had zero indication that he’s cheating…he’s home after work, no suspicious phone calls or messages, nothing like that. He had his testosterone checked and was very low but still within the “normal” range. Help?

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 17:20:12 +0000

My husband is the 1 withholding sex. It’s been more than 2 yrs. and I see no change coming. I’ve done ALL the things to get him in the mood. Even when I “Go right to it” to pleasure him, he pushes me away and says, “I don’t care what you do, I don’t want it, so stop! See this is what I’m talking about, you know I don’t want this, and yet you try to do it anyway!”
Is this unusual or common? There is no outside activity.

I believe a couple needs to have sex to have a good marriage and to have a good marriage, they need to have sex.

What do I do now?

By: Matteo J

Matteo J — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 13:40:07 +0000

O.K., I really advice. My wife has put on 50 lbs on her 5′ 1″ frame since we met. Her BMI is now in the obese catagory. You honestly want me to ask her if she’s lost weight? Don’t you think “that” would start a fight? Help! I really need some opinions on this very touchy matter.

By: judy

judy — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 20:19:21 +0000

if i didnt know better i would think you where at my house.

By: Sophie Wilson

Sophie Wilson — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 16:57:45 +0000

the thing i like about Criminal Minds is the suspense:;: