Free Marriage Advice Part 2
A typical fight between my husband and me used to go something like this:
It's your fault!
Me: You really pissed me off when you [LATEST TRANSGRESSION GOES HERE.] It’s just like the time you [ANOTHER TRANSGRESSION THAT WE'VE ALREADY FOUGHT ABOUT, BUT THAT I HAVE NOT YET FORGIVEN HIM FOR GOES HERE.] And the time you [DITTO] and [DITTO] and [DITTO TIMES 600.] Do you see why someone like me would have a hard time being happy with someone like you? Do you see it?”
Him: “I’m sorry. Again.”
Does this sound familiar? Marriage experts call it stockpiling. It’s really dysfunctional.
Here’s the thing: it feels really good to stockpile. If it didn’t, none of us would do it. Every time we scratch open an old wound during a new fight, it’s our way of saying, “I am better than you. It’s all your fault. See? See? See!?”
But it’s not all your spouses’ fault. It’s partly your fault, too. (If you just said, “She’s out of her mind,” then you need to start at the beginning of the Free Marriage Advice series and read yesterday’s entry about how you’ve contributed to the downfall of your marriage.)
More important, holding onto past grudges prevents you from improving your marriage. If you stay stuck in the past, you’ll never be able to create a better future, and you want a better future. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be here reading my free marriage advice. You’d be flipping through the Yellow Pages in search of a good divorce lawyer.
Still, forgiveness is hard. It’s REALLY hard. I’ve so been there, okay? Here’s how I released my grudges. I hope this five-step plan will work for you, too.
5 Steps to Forgiveness
Step 1: Commit to releasing the old grudges. Make it a resolution.
Step 2: Remind yourself that you’re part of the problem. Your spouse hasn’t been perfect, but neither have you. When you see yourself as a person who deserves forgiveness, it’s easier to see your spouse as the same type of person.
Step 3: Hold one last stockpiling blowout. List all of those old grudges on a piece of paper. Go back in time and relive every drop of anger and hurt. Then, when you and your spouse are both calm, go over your list. Now, this isn’t your time to beat up on your spouse and prove to him that he’s the rotten person you think he is. No, it’s not about that. It’s about getting it out of your system. So say something like this, “I’m having a hard time moving on from the past, and I really want to move on. I know you are better than I give you credit, but these old wounds still need to heal. Can we talk about these past incidents? I’d like to tell you why I felt hurt. I would really appreciate it if you told me that you were sorry. I know it may seem silly, but please bear with me. I’m really trying to forgive and I think this might just help.”
Step 4: Meditate. If you are not into meditation, what I’m about to suggest is going to sound very Crystal Ga-Ga to you. Trust me and try it. This really works. When you realize just how powerfully it works, you’ll get goose bumps. Go somewhere quiet. Close your eyes. Get yourself nice and comfortable. Do some deep breathing. Then, one at a time, bring the image of three different people to your mind’s eye: 1) You 2) Someone you love dearly 3) Your spouse. Send your best loving energy to each person. Give each person every drop of love, understanding, and acceptance you have to offer. Hear yourself say, “I forgive you. I love you. I wish you well.” Then release the image of that person from your mind’s eye.
Step 5: Be patient. It takes time to see your spouse for who he is today and not who he was yesterday, but it will eventually happen. It will happen faster if you make a mental note of all of the things he is doing right, so you can remind yourself just how far he’s come.
Do you have advice that can help people forgive? Have you succeeded in moving on from the past? Leave a comment.
Note: This blog is the second in a multi-part Free Marriage Advice series. Go to Free Marriage Advice Part 1 to start at the beginning.
Tomorrow: How to get your groove back.
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January 6th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
I think the biggest step for so many of us is step 2. It’s seems to be our nature to want to prove that we’re right and the other person is wrong. In the corporate world it can get you ahead, but in a marriage needing to be right is definitely something that you need to get over.
I love the idea of your project, I think that a lot of couples give up during the rough years and don’t give themselves long enough to get to the smoother years of marriage.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
I would just add (to the forgiveness step) that you forgive someone for yourself, more than for them. It frees you up, it relieves the burden from your own back when you can find a way to forgive those who have hurt or wronged you. Life is too short…..
January 7th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
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January 7th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Alisa ~ This is a great series! Thanks! I’m truly struggling over here (something I don’t “talk” about online of course LOL) … and I’ll keep following along for sure. *huGs* and thanks again. Suzanne
April 12th, 2009 at 10:04 am
I have been married for just 4 years, this month.I am 47 my husband is 37.I am having some major issues.Recently I found out he likes to cross dress and is bi. But also every birthday anniversary we never do anything. He is an over the road truck driver band is never home all week I work but am off during summer months he always finds and excuse to go and place with his friends cousin any where except home this is my second marriage He has 2 boys 13 and 15 but they mainly live withn there mom.I need advice badly Pam
January 13th, 2010 at 2:06 am
Hello Alisa,
Thank you very much for the great advice. I was wondering though if you could elaborate a little more on the meditation technique. What is deep breathing? How long should the meditation be done? Could you point to the resource where you came across it which would offer more details?
Thank you for your time.
Thank you.
Aditya
March 16th, 2010 at 11:47 am
I don’t believe my husband would take part in Step 3. He is a stockpiler and every agurement we get into he unloads on me. I personally don’t do that because I try not to do things to people that I wouldn’t want done to me. It is very hurtful when he does this because I feel like he views me in a negative way. I believe sometimes talking can make it worse. Any advice?
May 2nd, 2010 at 5:48 am
I, like Taryn, am married to a man who unloads on me with every argument we have or at least it seems that way. I am guilty of it as well but have been making conscious efforts into not doing that because it only ever escalates everything. I try each time he brings something up to acknowledge that whatever it is has caused him hurt and that I am incredibly sorry for the hurt and I try to put myself in his shoes and look at it from his point of view and try to figure out what my needs would be in that situation and try to let those needs influence my reactions. I’d be a liar to say that I’m a pro at that though and many times when we have an argument I begin to feel so depressed and overwhelmed by a sense of failure that when he adds those past issues as a finishing jab, I typically lose my ability to control my emotions. I’m the type of person who lashes out whether im sad, hurt, angry, etc and have a nasty tendancy to inflict pain on the person I’m lashing out at. I recognize that that is a problem and something that I desperately need to get under control, but its so hard when he does that because I honestly cannot see why he would keep bringing certain things up at certain times for any other reason than to, as I say, rub my nose in them simply to magnify my feelings of inadequacy, failure, or helplessness. I have tried to calmly as possible try to talk those things out so I understand him and he understands me but nothing I have been doing is seeming to help. Am I doing something wrong? I know I often have a very short fuse especially with certain things which have been brought up to the point of being ridiculous for lack of a better word. What can I do? Is there some other way that I can communicate on my end? How do I get him to understand or at least acknowledge that I am have been and always will be sorry that things I did in the past caused him this much pain to not be able to let it go 1-2 years after they happened? I will and have accepted part of the blame for things being the way they are and have even expressed my desire to let go of the things he has done to hurt me in the hopes of putting it behind us and not letting it come between us anymore. I just wish he would realize that though its hard, he needs to let it go. I have gone out of my way in many ways to make changes in my life to try to show him that i realize how I was at fault and to prevent the possibilities of history repeating itself so he can regain that confidence again, but he doesnt seem to me to be able to see those changes and at this point I’m at a loss as to what else I can do other than to apologize once again when he brings something up and reiterate ways to work through it but so far to no avail. I’m worried that because I cant see anything else for ME to do at this point is to keep saying I’m sorry, that I may be taking the meaning out of it. Dont get me wrong I AM sorry and I would and will try to do anything and everything to help us but its been so long and he has allowed suspicions to become reality in some ways that I am becoming unable to apologize for what I did do because I feel like he is talking things into the ground so badly that Im recognizing how unhealthy it is for me at this point to still have these issues shoved in my face coupled with the false accusations that now accompany them. This is my first marriage and I am young, I am 24. I know that there is a LOT of personal growing I have yet to do and I wonder if that is affecting my abilities to communicate, “take one for the team” by apologizing and accepting the blame for things I didn’t do in hopes he would then be able to move on, but most importantly my too often failure to be patient with him and not say things like, “well I put ________ behind me because I didnt wanna keep feeling the same way I imagine you feel and I think you really need to figure out how to do that too because your’e inability to let go is driving a wedge between us.” I know that sounds like an accusation but I do not know what else I can do to get over our past issues and begin rebuilding until he is able to. Please help me!! I am stuck in this state of confusion as to whether there is even anything I can do at all, refusal to admit that my year and a half old marriage is heading toward imminent failure, my being the type of person who believes deeply that every single last effort and resources should be given a try before even considering walking away no matter how rough things may get, and my most motivating factor, that if he is having to sacrifice his happiness by being married to me I ultimately have to maybe accept that despite how much I love him and that I’d be willing to do just about anything to hold onto him, maybe I need to let go of him too. The very thought breaks my heart, I’m crying as I’m writing this, but I am totally lost as to what to do and have no one (family or friends) to seek any advice from since my family isnt supportive of us and none of my friends personally know anything about marriage. I’m lost and want nothing more than to be able to turn our marriage around because the reasons to stay in the marriage, at least to me since he hasnt read these articles and gone over his reasons for staying by far outweigh the bad. But its been such a long time and I’m worried that there may be too much left unresolved that has festered into resentment that from his point of view its not worth trying anymore, either way neither of us have felt heard or understood that its seems impossible to resolve this.
I’m sorry that this was so long, I just found your site and feel confidant that someone who HAS accomplished what I dream of despite how gloomy things looked will possibly be able to guide me in how to go about tackling this mountain and helping me understand how to be a wife since I have really no models that I can look to for reference. My parents marriage was far from good and I couldnt understand even at age 4 why they wouldnt just stay away from each other because being apart was the only time either was anywhere near happy, and in the end it turned out that thier marriage was based on lies anyway, so all I know is that seems to be a guranteed way to ruin a marriage leaving me no understanding of what it takes to build a good one and maintain it. I am willing to make whatever changes and accept blame for whatever I must to make this work!!! I just need women who understand and who can see through how upset this is making me to realize that this marriage is a major part of who I am and who I want to be and that I AM happy with him.