Free marriage advice: part 1
Nothing a little tape can't fix
Today I’m launching a multi-part Save Your Marriage series. If you read along each day, you’ll eventually learn every strategy I used to save my marriage. Today’s free marriage advice comes from the first marital improvement book I read: The 7 Best Things (Happy) Couples Do, by John and Linda Friel.
Today, I’d like you to think about this question:
How have you contributed to the failure of your marriage?
Um, are you thinking something along the lines of this: “Look Alisa, I’ve done nothing to hurt my marriage. It’s all my partner’s fault. Now if you would kindly tell me how to fix my partner, everything would be just swell.”
I thought that, too, when I first came across that question. After all, I was the one who was not happy, and I wasn’t happy with him. I could have listed hundreds of ways my husband had contributed to our failed marriage. Me? I was perfect.
Wasn’t I?
The Friels also mentioned that they thought my husband was my emotional equal. I really laughed at that one. Oh, did I laugh. I actually talked out loud to the book, saying, “You really don’t know my husband, now, do you? My emotional equal? Yeah, right.”
Thing is, the Friels were right.
My husband and I were stuck in dysfunctional pattern that was, in part, caused by my inability to ask for what I wanted. For example, my husband would ask, “Is it okay if I can go for a bike ride?” I’d say, “Yeah sure” when I really meant, “Are you out of your mind?! Don’t you see how overwhelmed I am right now? Are you that blind or just completely insensitive?”
It’s true that my husband is not a sensitive mind-reading type. He doesn’t get body language. He doesn’t pick up on tone of voice. He just doesn’t. Expecting him to somehow read my mind is like expecting an infant to sing the alphabet. It’s never going to happen.
Yet, my husband is really good at following directions. Once I found the ability to speak my voice and stand up for my needs, he found the ability to listen and do as I requested. He just needed an instruction manual.
Looking back on it, I’m thankful that he was such a failure at reading my mind. It forced me to grow up and become a better person, one who is now more assertive in every area of her life.
So think about that question. How are you contributing to your bad marriage? It takes two people to have a good marriage, and two people to have a bad one. You are just as much a part of your dysfunctional marriage as your spouse. Really think about that question, because owning the problem of your bad marriage is your first step toward fixing it.
How have you contributed to your bad marriage? Are you a part of the problem or is your partner entirely to blame? Leave a comment.
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Tomorrow: Free marriage advice Part 2: How to forgive and move on from your hurtful past
More marriage advice and help.
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Tags: bad marriage, free marriage advice, Marriage Advice, save your marriage
January 4th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Alisa, Like you, I think I just wanted my husband to KNOW what I needed. I didn’t think I needed to tell him! I thought that love would just be all we ever needed. So I ended up very unhappy, and he had no idea why. Now, many years later (and too late, I think!) I have found my voice again, and he doesn’t know what to make of it. In fact he doesn’t like it one bit. He has said that he wants his ‘old wife’ back, and she just doesn’t exist anymore. (Why I said it’s most likely too late) But I DO see that I was part of the problem by NOT TELLING HIM what I needed. I didn’t take care of myself. To all the young wives out there, please learn from my mistake, and take care of yourself!!!!
January 4th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Yes, this would probably fall into the “not all marriages can be saved” category. You can never predict how a spouse will respond to wanting to improve the situation. Some people dig in–and there’s nothing you can really do.
Still, it’s a good lesson to learn (about speaking up) because–even if it’s too late for your marriage–it’s not too late for your life. Your voice will definitely still come in handy throughout the rest of your life.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
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January 6th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
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March 12th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Great Post thank you very much
June 11th, 2009 at 9:22 am
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July 2nd, 2009 at 5:27 pm
After being separated for 7 months i want my husband back, he left me cause i nagg him and aggravated him alot throughout our marriage. we only been marry noe 1 year and 7 months. he’s a good husband and father and i want him back. he ask me for a divorce, but i don’t want to give him none please help. i’m hurting
July 21st, 2009 at 2:07 pm
I recently have lied to my wife, I have lied about finances and I also almost had an affair. I say almost because I did not have physical contact, I sent 4 emails of a sexual nature to a friend and we engaged in cyber sex, when she finally asked if we could actually do it I said yes but then backed out. Why? Because I realized I am in love with my wife and could never hurt her. She found out and because i’ve lied in the past I now lost total trust, I hate myself for doing this to her, she want’s a divorce and I would like to save my marriage. I am so lost, I hate myself for hurting her, I have mistreated her and now I have lost her.
July 26th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
My wife and I have only been married four months, and I have all but lost her already. During our short dating period, I created several fictitious stories that I not only told her, but her friends as well. Now they have found out that I lied, and confronted her with this. She feels so humiliated, and I don’t blame her. Now she has confronted me with the idea that she doesn’t really know me. I have told her that I will fix the problem or die trying. I am so angry with myself, and don’t know where to start.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:00 am
Good story, a lot of successful marriage counseling is about exploring positive alternative abilities.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:27 am
i recently got married…and although there are good moments the bad is coming not to mention my husband is driving to think of others….before we got married i thought of one of my best guy friend…i try to push threw it but im nstarting to feel him attempting to control me help?…i wanna have aq good marriage i dont wanna be a tally mark on a poll for divocred people
August 4th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
I have recently been married all but 3 months we have dated and lived together for 2 and a half years. I have a little girl who is 2 and my husband is trying to adopt her lately he has been talking about having another baby. But everytime I get online to check my mail or go to school. I always see a porn site, adult friend finder and dating sites under history. It makes me wonder seriously about our future. I’m the type of person that believes that when you’re married you devot your self to your spouse. I use to think he did to but this is becoming more and more prevalent with these sites. I recently got My directtv bill and and there were purchases for $140 worth of porn, and he purchased a porn for $20 on some website the other day. In the past 2 years this has never been a problem since he never really use to watch porn, but now I find myself constantly checking internet history and our ppv purchases. I hate it because “affair” is constantly flashing in my mind and I have no idea how to approach him about this matter. I was angry at the tv bill and he said he doesn’t know where the charges came from, but he did seem as mad as me. I hate living like this. I don’t like being in the dark on things and I don’t want to be a fool I have been there way too many times. I love him but lately I feel confused about our marriage. I would appreciate any advice if anyone has been through something similiar. Is my marriage ruined?
August 11th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
My husband is addicted to porn. I knew about his obsession before we were married, just didn’t realize it was an obsession until after we were together. I suspected something and then when I was pregnant with my third I found out the truth that he had cheated on me. I was done with the marriage and we decided on counseling. I have worked on my trust issues with him, but I still suspect him. Now he is on facebook all the time and I have no idea who the majority of the people are that he talks with. I have asked and it seems like he is vague with his answers. I know he lies to me and usually just brushes me off. I want out but I don’t know if I want a divorce or not.
November 9th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Great articles & Nice a site
December 1st, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Bravo pour ce site qui me fait plaisir tous les jours.
January 11th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
I bet I’m boosting your alexa ranking, haha. I like reading at your site. Thanks for the hard work!
January 20th, 2010 at 4:49 pm
I am glad to read this topic
February 8th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
i need some serious advice…my husband and i have a rocky relationship. he has cheated on me online several times with his ex girlfriend and women he works with. i became quite depressed and unhappy after the last one because of what was said. i didnt have the energy to do much (i.e. cook clean that sort of thing) so he comes home 3 days ago and says he wants a divorce after i found yet another secret of his. i dont understand why. he says its because i quit cleaning the house and that my attitude sucks and i dont trust him. but he made me this way. he says he will give me a week to prove to him that i can change. is it really me that needs changing? i have put everything into this relationship and we have 2 kids together. what should i do? should i just go ahead and tell him to file?
March 1st, 2010 at 1:33 am
I dont love my husband it was all a lie, i am with someone now, my husband resigned on hiw job just to be with us. but when he came back i dont him i dont love you anymore and i am cheating on him for two years
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:37 am
Great blogpost, thanks a lot!
March 8th, 2010 at 9:47 am
This is very a helpful one since there are a lot in the market now that suggests you to believe them but there is no harm in trying since you want to save a relationship built of love and trust. Do not let any misleading thing decay the foundation that you did together.
free marriage counseling ´s last blog ..Strengthen Your Marriage updated Fri Feb 5 2010 8:32 am CST
June 7th, 2010 at 3:39 am
How have you contributed to your bad marriage? Are you a part of the problem or is your partner entirely to blame?,.hi Elisa..this is one of the example why i can’t forgive my husband anymore,.or i shall i say that his the one contributed bad in our marriage,i try hard to make things work even he made a lot of bullshit things in the past to the extend that i caught him naked with other girl but after all that i still forgive him and accept him and we still live together again because i was thinking that maybe i have also fault and i want to make it up and work hard to make our relationship work.even all people around me they advice me to give up cos his not worthy at all but because of hope i have to save our relationship that’s why i give another chance for us but here he goes again talk a lot of things that really discriminate me as a person to the extend it really affect me so much.when i read all this messages that he leave through skype,i keep asking myself what a kind of husband i have.honestly even it’s hard to make decision but i think it’s the best time to end up everything between us.until now all this words it’s really like a shadow that always follow me cos it always flashing in my mind that sometimes while i’m walking i just stop and cry.this really how it affects me.Right now i’m trying hard to be strong and focus on my studies but still i really need someone who can advice me what is the best thing i can do to help me to overcome all this things.
TomCreation:you are just a lazy nugger bitch
[3:32:14 AM] TomCreation: living on other peoples money like your monkey sisters and brothers.
[5:13:44 AM] TomCreation: YOU FUCKING PROSTITUDE!!!!
[5:14:08 AM] TomCreation: YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN CHEAP PROSTITUDE
[5:14:17 AM] TomCreation: A NUGGER
[5:14:32 AM] TomCreation: WITH A MONKEY BRAIN
[5:14:43 AM] TomCreation: A WHORE A BITCH
[5:15:31 AM] TomCreation: AFTER I GAVE YOU FOOD AND MONEY YOU BEAT ME YOU DIRTY BITCH
[5:15:48 AM] TomCreation: YOU FUCKING DIRTY CHEAP BITCH
[5:16:10 AM] TomCreation: I WILL GET YOU YOU WHORE
[5:16:26 AM] TomCreation: WATCH OUT WHERE EVER YOU GO
[5:17:13 AM] TomCreation: YOU FUCKING DIRTY BITCH!!!!
[5:17:37 AM] lezel painagan: I 100 PERCENT SAFE TOM COS EVERYTHING IS BLOTTER DOWN WHATEVER HAPPEN TO ME YOU’RE SUSPECT…GOODBYE..I DON’T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME.
[5:17:55 AM] TomCreation: I WILL TALK TO YOUR SCHOOL NOW!
[5:18:09 AM] TomCreation: WHAT YOU ARE
[5:18:20 AM] TomCreation: AND IM SURE THEY KICK YOU OUT THERE
[5:19:07 AM] TomCreation: MY DEVORCE PAPERS WILL GET DONE WHEN I ARRIVE IN GERMANY IN JULY 15
[5:20:12 AM] TomCreation: I PROMISE YOU YOUR LIVE WILL BE THE HELL FOR YOUR REST OF YOUR LIVE YOU BITCH
[5:22:03 AM] TomCreation: YOU ARE NOT MY WIFE ANYMORE!!!!
[5:22:18 AM] TomCreation: YOU ARE ONLY A PEACE OF SHIT
[5:28:48 AM] TomCreation: I GOT A MEDICAL CERTIFICATION AGAIN BECAUSE OF THE FORK YOU STICKED IN MY ARM U POOR BITCH
[5:30:13 AM] TomCreation: YOU PEACE OF SHIT WILL NEVER HAVE A FREE PEACE OF MIND WHERE EVER I AM IN THE WORLD I PROMISE YOU
[5:30:48 AM] TomCreation: YOU WILL NEVER FINISH YOUR SCHOOL BECAUSE YOU ARE TO DUMB FOR THIS
[5:31:09 AM] TomCreation: SCHOOLS ARE NOT MADE FOR MONKEYS
[5:32:00 AM] TomCreation: THE SCHOOL WILL RECEIVE A DEMAND LETTER FROM MY ATTORNEYS
[5:32:13 AM] TomCreation: INKL THE MEDICAL CERTIFICATIONS
[5:33:03 AM] TomCreation: YOUR TIME WILL BE MORE HARDER THEN WHAT I EVER EXPERIECEND WITH YOU YOU BITCH
[5:33:44 AM] TomCreation: BETTER YOU FIND A JOB AGAIN AS A PROSTITUDE WHAT WHERE WORKING FOR BEFORE A CHEAP STREETWHORE
[5:37:49 AM] TomCreation: YOU BETTER FOLLOW UP YOUR SYPHILLIS
[5:38:04 AM] TomCreation: I WILL INFORM YOUR SCHOOL ABOUT THAT
[5:38:44 AM] TomCreation: THEY SHOULD CHECK YOU FIRST FOR ILLNESS AND SYPHILLIS
[5:39:08 AM] TomCreation: ESPACIALLY FOR BRAIN DESEASE
[5:39:27 AM] TomCreation: YOU CHEAP USELESS BITCH
[5:41:12 AM] TomCreation: YOU ARE ONLY USELESS AND DUMB
[5:41:28 AM] TomCreation: A CHEAP NUGGER STREETWHORE
[5:41:57 AM] TomCreation: I SHOULD WAKE UP WHEN I FOUND YOU IN THAT DOGHOLE IN TREBACHO
[5:42:28 AM] TomCreation: THAT WAS MY FAULT
[5:42:43 AM] TomCreation: YOU FUCKING USELESS NUGGER BITCH
[5:43:17 AM] TomCreation: I PROMISE YOU YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP IN PEACE ANYMORE UNTIL YOU KILL YOUR SELF
[5:43:33 AM] TomCreation: WHERE EVER I AM IN THE WORLD
[5:43:58 AM] TomCreation: ALL THE MONEY YOU STOLE, ALL THE THINGS YOU STOLE
[5:44:07 AM] TomCreation: THINK WHERE YOU COME FROM
[5:44:38 AM] TomCreation: OUT OF A DOGHOLE WITH PLASTICPLATES HAHAHAHA
[5:45:04 AM] TomCreation: YOU FUCKING DOGBITCH
[5:45:12 AM] TomCreation: YOU NOTHING
[5:45:22 AM] TomCreation: YOU PEACE OF SHIT
[5:45:50 AM] TomCreation: EVEN MY SHIT WHEN I HAVE A SHIT IN THE MORNING HAS MORE BRAIN THAN YOU HAVE
[5:46:13 AM] TomCreation: YOU PEACE OF DOGSHIT!!!!
[5:47:16 AM] TomCreation: YOU BETTER GO BACK IN YOUR DOGHOLE WHERE YOU BELONG TO!!!!
[5:52:21 AM] TomCreation: IM IN YOUR BRAIN AND I WONT GET OUT; YOU WILL HAVE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS!!!!!
[5:59:04 AM] TomCreation: I TELL YOU WHAT I FOUND OUT THAT I DIDNT LOVE YOU YOU ANYMORE FOR LONG TIME AND IF MORE I SEE YOU I GET MORE SICK!!!
[5:59:39 AM] TomCreation: WHEN WE WERE SEPERATED THAT WAS THE BEST TIME
[5:59:49 AM] TomCreation: I WILL SEE YOU IN JAIL
[6:00:22 AM] TomCreation: I HOPE YOU WILL PAY THE 13500 I GAVE YOU FOR L&L
[6:00:53 AM] TomCreation: OR DID YOU GIVE IT TO YOUR FUCKING MONKEY SISTERS????
[6:01:47 AM] TomCreation: YOU FUCKING LIER AND THIEF
[6:02:17 AM] TomCreation: YOU CRIMINAL CHEAP STREETWHORE OR SHOULD I SAY STREETDOG
[6:51:53 AM] TomCreation: BITCH I HAVE A CUSTOMER FOR YOU HE WILL FUCK YOU FOR 15 PESOS HAHAHAHA
[7:21:15 AM] TomCreation: I MAKE ADVERTISING FOR YOU!!!!
[7:21:49 AM] TomCreation: THAT EVERYBODY CAN FUCK U FOR 15 PESOS HAHAHA
[7:22:28 AM] TomCreation: YOU ARE FUCKING STREETWHORE!
[7:22:52 AM] TomCreation: (n)
[7:49:22 AM] TomCreation: (n)(n)(n)(n)(n)(n)(n)
I hope there will be someone out there who can give me advices to help me to get over the emotional straggle that i’ve been through right now..thanks and more power.