Nothing a little tape can't fix
Today I’m launching a multi-part Save Your Marriage series. If you read along each day, you’ll eventually learn every strategy I used to save my marriage. Today’s free marriage advice comes from the first marital improvement book I read: The 7 Best Things (Happy) Couples Do, by John and Linda Friel.
Today, I’d like you to think about this question:
How have you contributed to the failure of your marriage?
Um, are you thinking something along the lines of this: “Look Alisa, I’ve done nothing to hurt my marriage. It’s all my partner’s fault. Now if you would kindly tell me how to fix my partner, everything would be just swell.”
I thought that, too, when I first came across that question. After all, I was the one who was not happy, and I wasn’t happy with him. I could have listed hundreds of ways my husband had contributed to our failed marriage. Me? I was perfect.
Wasn’t I?
The Friels also mentioned that they thought my husband was my emotional equal. I really laughed at that one. Oh, did I laugh. I actually talked out loud to the book, saying, “You really don’t know my husband, now, do you? My emotional equal? Yeah, right.”
Thing is, the Friels were right.
My husband and I were stuck in dysfunctional pattern that was, in part, caused by my inability to ask for what I wanted. For example, my husband would ask, “Is it okay if I can go for a bike ride?” I’d say, “Yeah sure” when I really meant, “Are you out of your mind?! Don’t you see how overwhelmed I am right now? Are you that blind or just completely insensitive?”
It’s true that my husband is not a sensitive mind-reading type. He doesn’t get body language. He doesn’t pick up on tone of voice. He just doesn’t. Expecting him to somehow read my mind is like expecting an infant to sing the alphabet. It’s never going to happen.
Yet, my husband is really good at following directions. Once I found the ability to speak my voice and stand up for my needs, he found the ability to listen and do as I requested. He just needed an instruction manual.
Looking back on it, I’m thankful that he was such a failure at reading my mind. It forced me to grow up and become a better person, one who is now more assertive in every area of her life.
So think about that question. How are you contributing to your bad marriage? It takes two people to have a good marriage, and two people to have a bad one. You are just as much a part of your dysfunctional marriage as your spouse. Really think about that question, because owning the problem of your bad marriage is your first step toward fixing it.
How have you contributed to your bad marriage? Are you a part of the problem or is your partner entirely to blame? Leave a comment.
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Tomorrow: Free marriage advice Part 2: How to forgive and move on from your hurtful past
More marriage advice and help.
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
Alisa, Like you, I think I just wanted my husband to KNOW what I needed. I didn’t think I needed to tell him! I thought that love would just be all we ever needed. So I ended up very unhappy, and he had no idea why. Now, many years later (and too late, I think!) I have found my voice again, and he doesn’t know what to make of it. In fact he doesn’t like it one bit. He has said that he wants his ‘old wife’ back, and she just doesn’t exist anymore. (Why I said it’s most likely too late) But I DO see that I was part of the problem by NOT TELLING HIM what I needed. I didn’t take care of myself. To all the young wives out there, please learn from my mistake, and take care of yourself!!!!
Yes, this would probably fall into the “not all marriages can be saved” category. You can never predict how a spouse will respond to wanting to improve the situation. Some people dig in–and there’s nothing you can really do.
Still, it’s a good lesson to learn (about speaking up) because–even if it’s too late for your marriage–it’s not too late for your life. Your voice will definitely still come in handy throughout the rest of your life.
After being separated for 7 months i want my husband back, he left me cause i nagg him and aggravated him alot throughout our marriage. we only been marry noe 1 year and 7 months. he’s a good husband and father and i want him back. he ask me for a divorce, but i don’t want to give him none please help. i’m hurting
I recently have lied to my wife, I have lied about finances and I also almost had an affair. I say almost because I did not have physical contact, I sent 4 emails of a sexual nature to a friend and we engaged in cyber sex, when she finally asked if we could actually do it I said yes but then backed out. Why? Because I realized I am in love with my wife and could never hurt her. She found out and because i’ve lied in the past I now lost total trust, I hate myself for doing this to her, she want’s a divorce and I would like to save my marriage. I am so lost, I hate myself for hurting her, I have mistreated her and now I have lost her.
My wife and I have only been married four months, and I have all but lost her already. During our short dating period, I created several fictitious stories that I not only told her, but her friends as well. Now they have found out that I lied, and confronted her with this. She feels so humiliated, and I don’t blame her. Now she has confronted me with the idea that she doesn’t really know me. I have told her that I will fix the problem or die trying. I am so angry with myself, and don’t know where to start.
Good story, a lot of successful marriage counseling is about exploring positive alternative abilities.
i recently got married…and although there are good moments the bad is coming not to mention my husband is driving to think of others….before we got married i thought of one of my best guy friend…i try to push threw it but im nstarting to feel him attempting to control me help?…i wanna have aq good marriage i dont wanna be a tally mark on a poll for divocred people
I have recently been married all but 3 months we have dated and lived together for 2 and a half years. I have a little girl who is 2 and my husband is trying to adopt her lately he has been talking about having another baby. But everytime I get online to check my mail or go to school. I always see a porn site, adult friend finder and dating sites under history. It makes me wonder seriously about our future. I’m the type of person that believes that when you’re married you devot your self to your spouse. I use to think he did to but this is becoming more and more prevalent with these sites. I recently got My directtv bill and and there were purchases for $140 worth of porn, and he purchased a porn for $20 on some website the other day. In the past 2 years this has never been a problem since he never really use to watch porn, but now I find myself constantly checking internet history and our ppv purchases. I hate it because “affair” is constantly flashing in my mind and I have no idea how to approach him about this matter. I was angry at the tv bill and he said he doesn’t know where the charges came from, but he did seem as mad as me. I hate living like this. I don’t like being in the dark on things and I don’t want to be a fool I have been there way too many times. I love him but lately I feel confused about our marriage. I would appreciate any advice if anyone has been through something similiar. Is my marriage ruined?
My husband is addicted to porn. I knew about his obsession before we were married, just didn’t realize it was an obsession until after we were together. I suspected something and then when I was pregnant with my third I found out the truth that he had cheated on me. I was done with the marriage and we decided on counseling. I have worked on my trust issues with him, but I still suspect him. Now he is on facebook all the time and I have no idea who the majority of the people are that he talks with. I have asked and it seems like he is vague with his answers. I know he lies to me and usually just brushes me off. I want out but I don’t know if I want a divorce or not.
i need some serious advice…my husband and i have a rocky relationship. he has cheated on me online several times with his ex girlfriend and women he works with. i became quite depressed and unhappy after the last one because of what was said. i didnt have the energy to do much (i.e. cook clean that sort of thing) so he comes home 3 days ago and says he wants a divorce after i found yet another secret of his. i dont understand why. he says its because i quit cleaning the house and that my attitude sucks and i dont trust him. but he made me this way. he says he will give me a week to prove to him that i can change. is it really me that needs changing? i have put everything into this relationship and we have 2 kids together. what should i do? should i just go ahead and tell him to file?
I dont love my husband it was all a lie, i am with someone now, my husband resigned on hiw job just to be with us. but when he came back i dont him i dont love you anymore and i am cheating on him for two years
You a lot of very good and excellent information here.
After reading through a few of your posts i can see that you are helping people in a very positive way.
You have a very easy site to follow and it is organized in an efficient way for the reader.
Keep up the resourceful articles and a great attitude even with this economy the way it is.
Matt
Matt´s last [type] ..How To Save My Marriage
Awesome read. I wish i might take recommendation like that and just do it. as a substitute ill think about it for per week then forget it
maybe i can change
I have recently found out that my husband has been talking to his ex girlfriend. He has been telling her that he misses her and that he made a mistake leaving her. This is not the first time that he has ever talked to her since he has been with me and prior to this situation i asked him to never speak to her aagain and he agreed. Come to find out he lied about it. But this time he has taken it over the edge. Been telling her lies about me saying that he doesnt love me or his children. I never once said that he did not love us but i am beginning to think that he doesnt care about me. I just dont know what to do about this situation. I dont know whether to stay or to leave. I dont want this heartache anymore. My parents raised me better than to let some man cheat on me or use me. I just dont know what to do. Please help??
I have been married for 15 years to my wife who I am deeply in love with. She told me that she love’s me but is not in love with me. I don’t know what to do. I know some of this is my fault. I went out with another woman and did not tell her and she found out about it. It was 7 years after we were married at the time we had 1 kid now we have 2 more. I feel like I am lost. I thought that everything was going great. Now she is spending alot of time on facebook and going around the house and saying that she is old. I don’t understand why she did not tell when these feelings started. I lover her so much and I don’t want us to end. She said she don’t feel the same anymore and that she doesn’t know what she is going to do. What should I do?
HI
Me and my husband have been together 5 years in total… 2 married. we started dating at 16 and now I am about to turn 22… We were like the perfect couple for so long we had little issues here and there but who doesn’t??? We were happy all the time he couldn’t keep his hands off of me… Then we were going to visit our home town right after christmas and his whole attitude changed and I couldn’t exactly tell what happened I just figured maybe we were spending too much time together… BUT it didn’t help that 2 weeks from then he was being deployed for 6 months… so We were in our hometown and he just was doing everything to get away from me so i felt like it was me being annoying but we always do everything together when he is in from the navy because he has been gone alot so while we where there two whole nights he was missing and said that he went to a friends house and was drinking so he stayed the night… well when we got back here I went through his phone and found he was having an affair. the messages were saying they loved each other and she made him happy and he misses waking up next to her ( while we were in our hometown) so we argued and fought about it and I was ready to walk out the door when he stopped me saying he wanted me and would stop talking to her for me…. well next day he acting all mean again so he still talking to her and still blaming me!!! saying he did all this because the father of my first child moved where we are now to be with her there isn’t going on between us at all but that is what he is blaming it on. So again he promises to stop talking to her… so last night we were having a wonderful day and night and he was texting and fell asleep with his phone on the text messages so i read them all from her and all were talking like they miss each other and she said shell always be there and all this crap so i said that obviously he made his choice and that I would stay here and take care of his home and child and he was still my best friend and i understood how these things get started so i would do this civil. well last night he goes on and on about how he don’t wanna make a mistake now and never get to undo it and even through all of this if there was a way to make him faithful again and know he wanted to be with me again and we could be happy again I would do it i may sound dumb but I knew even when we were so young he was the love of my life and if she is what will make him happy I will move on… what do i do??
A first vital step in marriage is to make a conscious effort to communicate clearly and frequently with your spouse. Communication is like many good habits in life. It is difficult to get good at it but once it becomes a comfortable part of life it gets easier. On the other hand if you let good communication habits slip it becomes easier and easier not to communicate. The key then is to make sure that investing in good communication habits is a daily part of your marriage.
Hi Amy,
I have very bad communication habits. What can I do to improve them. I have been married for 41 years, I love my husband but we seem to fight about everything. Help.
Thank you.
Hello, I enjoy your site but find one of the comments posted by lezel on June 7th, 2010 very offensive, insulting and not consistent with the quality resources you have posted here. I hope you remove this comment.
Thanks, Derek
Hi Derek,
Thanks for pointing that out. This post seems to have attracted a lot of spam, too. So I’ve cleaned up the comments area. Thanks for helping me to stay on top of this. It’s hard to police the older posts effectively.
Alisa
Very solid advice to couples to understand the complexities of marriage. It is important as you laid out here to get help when you begin to have difficulties. Prolonging dealing with marriage issues usually only makes the problem bigger and more difficult to handle.
Great points and thanks for providing insight and perspective on resolving marriage problems.
I am in need of some real advice. I’ve been married for 8yrs, together for 10 and we have known each since high school. We have 2 young children. We have always argued quite a bit as we really don’t see eye to eye on most things. I can say that I love him and I have no doubts he loves me. However, it is getting to the point where no when we argue if feels like the end. We can’t keep going this way, so we both are thinking about whether we want to continue the marriage or not. My part in this is that I have a very difficult time with communication, I seem to shut down any time I have to have a real discussion pertaining to us. I am at point in life where I can’t accept that my life consists of work, home, tv… I want more out of life, I know he does too but he won’t work with me on it. I will ask him to come with me to do something but he declines most times. We don’t have sex much, in fact I think the roles are reversed lol…. he hardly wants to and when he does it almost like a chore for him. He claims it’s because he’s fat now and that depresses him so he doesn’t feel like it. Plus he’s depressed about our current situation as am I. We moved to another state because the cost of living his cheaper and pay is the same, however, neither one of us can stand it here, it’s like a whole different country, we’ve been here over 5yrs and have made minimal friends and we miss the hiking etc. We actually, had a fairly active life back home. We don’t make much money so that is causing a lot of stress as well. I have been listening to motivational tapes and reading books, I am currently finishing my BS while trying to work full time, and take care of the kids and I also are in charge of the bills, but feel like I have to carry the burden on my own. He doesn’t want to know about our finances. I don’t want a divorce but I am very unhappy and so his he.
I feel like I am to blame for everything. My husband points out everything I do wrong. For example I gave hime the wrong email address of a friend and he did ask me to double check it and I thought I did but I some times reverse numbers and letters. I try to double check things but sometimes I still make mistakes. He has threatened to throw out my clothes or lock me out of the house. We have great sex and at least once or twice a week. I try to remember kto do everything right but there is always something I miss. I want to prove to him that I can do the right thing. We both love each other but he does not trust me. I want to win his trust. Help! I’m going to the library for some self help books. Any other suggestions. We have been married for 42 year and have 2 married children. We are both retired. And this problem is not new but everything is more visible because it is only the two of us 24/7.
Wow… there are some heart-wrenching stories in the comments. I wish the best for each of you.
As for me – I can sooooo relate to your story, Alisa. I’ve been married to my hubby for 13 years. Replace your hubby’s bike obsession with fishing. Mine has a job, but it doesn’t make a lot. He relies on me to work two jobs, take care of the kids, pay most of the bills, pay for vacations, going out to eat, etc.
How am I to blame? I also do not communicate (though I TRULY thought I did – I’m a counselor for goodness sake!!!). When you said that you say, “Yeah, sure” in response to his requests to go biking, I thought, “Hey, I do that!!” Then, I sit and stew about how unfair it is that he is living his passion, while I’m working two jobs, wiping butts and doing laundry.
We both agree that our marriage needs help. We are getting to it BEFORE it has crumbled. I’ll be buying your book for sure!! Thanks for writing it!!
~TERRI
As I sit here and read the comments, I feel my heart sink. I guess maybe its because
I see so many people in the same unhappy lives as me. I am married 4 years in June but have been together 7 years this month. We have 7 kids between us and I think that’s one of our biggest problems. Neither of us make much money and with so many kids to support it makes life so much harder. It is something we fight about all the time
( well I fight he just sits there and says nothing ) Problem 1
I am the type of person that ALWAYS tells you whats on my mind, and not always in such a nice way. I have been dealing with my ” Raging ” ( that’s what I call it ) for many years and most of the time I would just flip out. So now I’m trying to not rage so much because I thought since it’s my fault we fight it might help us if I stop doing it. WRONG nothing changes. My hubby keeps telling me he doesn’t know what I want or need, but let me tell you I say it ALL the time. So in my head it just means even though he hears what I’m saing he really isn’t listening! Problem 2
I have been in REALLY bad relationships in the past, and this time I gave EVERYTHING my heart had to offer, I trusted him eventhough that has been a problem for me in the past. My new trust issue is something he created by lieing about the Stupidest things. I keep saying if you have to lie about what you are doing maybe you shouldn’t be doing it !!! problem 3
So now I just feel STUCK and like most of the other people UNHAPPY. So many problems and I don’t even know where to start. One step at a time I get that but now I just need to know where to begin.
I have no doubt I’m to blame for my marriage being rocky. Having said that, I think he’s much MORE to blame. lol Seriously, he’s clueless and irrational. Sometimes I’m like, ‘you’re not stupid. You didn’t just get how mad I was by the look on my face?” Idiot! Yesterday, I tried asking for what I wanted for the first time in 11 years without worrying if it would make him mad. It worked!! And I thanked him repeatedly for validating my feelings!! Thanks Alisa! I hope we’re turning a corner.
My husband and I have been having trouble with our marriage now for about 2 years. We had a situation that came up that has made my husband become more loving but along with that lovingness he has come to the point of me having to tell him my every move that I make. He works out of state for 6 or more months and if I do not report to him to tell him where I am when he calls me and asks me what I am doing he gets mad. Please help me I do not know what to do. I feel that he is overprotective. I understand that I have been a cause of our problems but he has done the most because when he is home he spends time on the piano and guitar and I have no attention, love or anything from him. I do not know if I am right about what I think that he is overprotective or what is this really called? Thank you
Hello,
I have been married to my husband for 8 months, we’ve been together for nearly 4 years. I feel that I’ve been manipulated the entire time we’ve been together, but I’m trying to leave the past in the past. The problem now is that before we got married I told him that I didn’t want to live in his country (I’ll just say it’s in the Caribbean) because I didn’t think I would be comfortable here and the economy, including the currency, here isn’t very good. I’m from the Caribbean too, but even though the country I’m from is more developed than this one, I wouldn’t be living there either for different reasons. However, he insisted that this would be the best place for us mainly because he wants to inherit his family’s business. So now we’re in his country and I’m unable to find a job. He has a pretty good job and pays all the bills, which is fine but I’ve always been an independent person, now I’m holed up in our house because I don’t have a car either and the public transportation system is terrible. Also, his mom lives on the same street as us a few doors down and she has yet to cut the umbilical cord. She treats us like children, calls everyday, usually more than once and she is the nosiest person I have ever met (no exaggeration). I want to live in Halifax, Nova Scotia where we met in college. We both liked it when we were there, but he hates this idea. I am concerned that we will not be able to spend time together as we should and that I will never be happy here (there are more issues than I’ve mentioned). And if that is the case, I am not going to bring children into this. We both want children very much, but that would be a huge mistake under these circumstances. He seems unwilling to compromise for our marriage and this is yet another sacrifice I’ve made for him. I don’t think I can do this. What should I do?
I need serious advice about my marriage and I don’t know where else to go……. my husband and I have been married for 15 months. Ever since we got married our marriage has been very rocky. We argue alot and I think its mainly because we are so much alike. One of the major issues we have always had is him making his family (parents and brothers) his priority. His mom and i already bump heads so it doesnt make situations any more pleasent. He will jump over hoops and go out of his way for his family. He does what he can to please them. I feel like he makes them his priority instead of me. If his parents ask him to do something, he will do it right away. If I ask him to do something, he will do it after the 5th time that I’ve asked him. I feel like he puts me at the bottom of the list and they go right to the top. His family to him is the world. Another problem is that im building resentment towards them because of him.
One situtation that we had a big argument about is that his mother asked him to book a day trip for a church fundraiser. We always attend these events along with his parents. Well, he went ahead and booked it….. right away of course. He then told me the date of the trip and I told him that day was my nephews birthday so we probably wouldn’t be able to attend. He didn’t like my response. I told him to have his mom choose another day so we can go. He said no because it was his moms event and didn’t have a say. So I told him we probably couldn’t attend. He got upset and I told him that I thought a birthday event was priority. He then responded that his parents were more important. I have always told him that he always made me feel like his parents were always more important than me and I think he confirmed it by his comment.
What can do about my situtation? Can I fix it? Is there any hope?
P.S. I thought when we took our wedding vows, thats what it meant…… your wife or husband is first.
I have been reading through some of the comments and can relate to alot of them . I have been married for 17 years but he moved out on me about 4 years ago one day while I was at work so I never even knew it until I got home and all his clothes were gone and no note or anything explaining anything. After a few days I finally found him at his parents house. He said that he was no longer in love with me and wanted a divorce. I begged and pleaded for another chance for several days until he finally said that he is going through midlife crisis . After 4 years of living apart, I dont know if I believe that excuse anymore. There have never been any other women even though he claimed that there have been but he recently admitted there havent been any other women.
He refuses to ever go anywhere with me and quitefrequently does go places with his brother who also lives with his parents at age 40. My husband is 42 years old himself. Husband has no income due to a back injury 20 years ago so I am his only source of income . I buy him most everything he asks for each payday and even give him cash each payday but if I ask for anything from him , you would think that I asked him to give up a kidney or something.
Yes, for somew odd reason , I do love him with all my heart and still want him back , but have no clue on howq to get him to come home so that we can be a married couple again like before. We never got divorced 4 years ago because he changed his mind and said that he may want to come home someday .
Can someone out there PLEASE advise me on what to do here. ?
I was a habitual lier. So off the bat of our relationship I was not hounest. Well we have been 3.5 years and he’s become verbally abusive calling me hurtful names. I’m also affrid he been talking to other females. Some times when I’m doing chores around the house ill pop up and he will start acting really up tight and turn his phone away from me. He will lock hisself in the bathroom for hours with his cell. Our sexlife is normal but he s been really critical of me on everything I don’t know what to do..on top of it all I have a hormonal. Imbalance. So I’ve becomevery forgetfull.
Hi, I love my wife we are married 8 years together for 12 separated for a year. Still living and sleeping in same bed. We have a 4 year old son. We have been on 3 major vacations during our split this year. As well as some nice weekend getaways. We are in counseling for 5 months. Nothing is getting better. I had a recreational drug use which caused the split last October. I have now passed a year clean time. And officially 3 useful 4 years. she can’t move forward we are in limbo for a year. I love her with all my heat and want her back do I quit or keep going it has been one long year what to do
I’m thinking of getting involved with a lady from AL. She had filed Chapter seven in the past and she is now trying to pay some of that old debt off. If we were to get married would I be responsible for that past debt of hers?
Ok so as I have seen in many of these comments is all they have needed was to have their needs heard, well what happens when you have voiced your needs and your wants and desires. I have tried to have a civilized conversation with my husband. I have told him I love him and i want him. I even broke down and told him I needed him in my life. This is the man i would have given anything to be with and have in my life. I dont expect him to read my mind but i do expect him to trust and show trust when he says he does trust. I think alot of his past relationships have really damaged him and i do understand but how to bring him past that and show him that i am not them has been difficult. I dont really know what problem i want to address. I want my husband back, the one I fell in love with, not this man who really does act like he doesnt care. I am so tired of yelling and fighting and whether i want to admit it or not i am very afraid to lose him. I am just to proud to tell him. I feel i will tell him when he realizes that he is afraid to lose me as well. I love my husband with all my heart and I want to fix my marriage.
I have been with my husband for 14 years married 7, we have 5 kids together one who is only three weeks old, back in July i found out he was texting one of his employees way to much he had been working out of town for three years he told me he was going to sleep and would stay up texting her for 2 hours, he would call her on weekends when he was home with us, text her before bed every night and first thing when he woke up, He said they were just friends and that she was easy to talk to me being pregnant i tried to tell myself to let it go and tried to get over it then in October of 2011 i found on his work cell that he called her He denied it and things went down hill from there, he was back home full time at that point , we would fight he would sleep on the couch for a week then in our bed then back to the couch told me he wasn’t talking to her anymore but i knew he was i caught him at her house, i caught him sitting in her car at one of his job sites finally in November i decided it would be best if he moved out i was hoping by him moving out then we could talk without fighting all the time i asked him for 6 months to work on our marriage, He has openly admitted to being in a relationship with the other woman but then somedays he tells me he misses us and wants his family back. I just want my husband back i don’t want to lose him but lately i feel like he is gone and isn’t ever coming back home, i am here raising a 13, 11, 8, 3, and 3 week old baby just wishing and hoping and praying he will come home to us, but its getting harder knowing he is having sleep overs with the other woman i don’t want to and am not ready to give up on my marriage but i don’t know what else to do i can not afford all the save my marriage books and stuff i find online i just had a baby and have always been a stay at home mom so the only income i have comes from him and it takes every penny to support my kids i just dont know what to do anymore i don’t want to give up hope but i am starting to feel like all hope is gone
I am so sorry to hear this. I know it seems hard but honestly I think that you should give up if he is willing to give up and leave you for the other woman it is his loss. You can always get child support and stick it to the mAn! Again I am sorry to hear this. His loss
So me and my husband have been married a year now and we have a six month old son. I work the moving shifts and he works whenever so I always take care of our son. So yesterday was our one year anniversary and we went to the movies and then went to dinner and I paid. I pay all the time. Its not like he doesn’t have money he does. He buys himself car parts but mocks me when I need something. He doesn’t spend any money on our son I am always buying him diapers and I pay all our bills. We argue and I say if you don’t appreciate me one of these days I won’t be here. I have been tempted to leave so many times but I can’t because of our son. He didn’t get me anything for our anniversary. I feel so not appreciated. When we have sex there is no romance at all he just says wanna duck? Then the other day we made out and it was so awkward. It doesn’t happen like ever and when it did it was awkward. I need help!
My husband and I have been together for 14 years. we have two children together who are 11 and 13. our relationship as always been quite turbulent and in 2008 we seperated for a year.(my choice). in that year we both had other partners but we ended up missing each other and getting back together. things have been ok but not great….still very turbulent and just lately i have been feeling like getting back together was a mistake. i dont know what to do for the best. i have a very healthy sex drive and i need to be wanted sexually but my husbands sex drive appears to be lowere than mine. sometimes i feel its because he doesn’t find me attractive. i have been having sexual fantasies about other men for a couple of months now and ddont know wether i should walk away from my marriage. im worried about thhe effect that would have on the children and im also aware that the grass isnt greener elsewhere. what should i do?
Hello I am tired on my marriage. The marriage in the first place is built on lies. My hubby told me alot of lies before i went to bed with him. Took in and after i gave birth, he came and paid my dowry. Stayed with me for some months and left. Ever since then he does not come home. he come spend a night and leave. The most painful thing is that he leaves me alone to carry the responsibilities of the family. Apart from the child school fees that he normaly pays nothing more. To make the case worst he is calling me on phone to knw when i will be ovulating so that we can have a second child. And the communication between us is so bad that he can stay 2 weeks without communicating with his family. I am so tried of the problem cos the responsibilities are much on me. i need a helper. I need true love and not this kind of life im living. Im starving financially, emotionally and in every aspect. Im so confused should i divorce him?
I think some of our spouses come with issues from their childhood that we have no way of knowing. For example, my husband will not talk if his life depended on it. He will talk idle talk, but if you want to have a serious conversation or you ask him about his child hood, he will stop and will do anything and everything in his power to change the conversation. Through the years I never pushed the issue, but there has been a lot of issues with him recently and I would like to get an answer or an explanation for his actions. He will hide in a closet and go into a fetal possition. He has separeted completly from itimacy, too many secret e-mails. As of today, I have not found a “woman” issue. If I push the questions as to “why” he behaves in this manner he will start mixing meds with alcohol. Yes he is seeing a therapist and a Psychiatris, but is taking a toll on this marriage, we have a 20 year old child with special needs and I find myself doing most of the work. He loves to hide files (computer or paper) in different “secret” e-mails. So to answer your questions as to “it takes two to tango,” I trully decline the offer. Sometimes our spouses brings issues from thier pass into a marriage and some of us plays for someone else’s broken plates. BUT, I am open to received words of wisdom. Thank you
Hi,
I got married to my husband 4 months ago. Two weeks after our wedding, I came to know that he has been dishonest with me. When we had started dating, he was two timing. He was having an affair with a married woman. I spoke to my husband about it and he said he was sorry and he was in the process of ending that relationship and he didn’t tell me about it because he didn’t want to lose me.
The same week, I found out that my husband had his ex girlfriends nude pictures saved on his computer. I checked the date that was last accessed and I noticed it was accessed the day we got engaged. I was extremely upset. He looked at those pictures on the day that we got engaged and still decided to keep it! I cried and told him about it and he told me he doesn’t remember doing that. He apologized, asked me for one more chance and deleted those pictures from his computer. By then I lost my trust in him and I still believe that he has copies of those pictures somewhere.
Thats not all I found out that day. My husband told me before wedding that he deleted all the porn from his computer. I had never asked him to do that but was happy to hear that. But I found out that he had downloaded more and was masturbating watching them exactly two weeks after our wedding. Is this normal? I spoke to him about this as well. He said he was so used to watching porn and was finding it difficult to stop watching them but he will definitely stop it. What bothered me was, why did he lie to me or hid this from me when we both were open about such topics and have had conversations about it in the past?! Now, I believe he has stopped watching porn but I have lost complete trust in him.
I try not to think about it but these things keep on happening! We used to make love pretty often but after that, I keep on finding him doing something or the other! Now, he is always looking at move stars and talking how hot they look! He talks about them more than me. The other day, I wore a really nice dress to pep up our love life. He said I’m looking really hot but kept sitting in front of the computer. Later, I noticed that he was looking at Summer girls pictures on the internet!
I don’t know what to do. I’ve spoken to him a lot of times saying that I find it very difficult and I don’t find him attractive when he is looking at all the other women in the world and tells me that he finds them hot. I don’t feel like making love to him anymore. And I just dont’ trust him too… Even after making so much love, I found out he was masturbating. And I just don’t trust him with any women anymore. And its just been 4 months since we got married!
What do I do? please help! I really love him and I dont want to lose him
I felt that I too was not the problem in my marriage breakdown. Not until my husband decided to persue his relationship with the ow and move out, did I assess my part in all of this.
I too thought he should have known what I was thinking. He would come in from work and ask if I needed any help. As a good wife.. or so I thought, I would say “No, you have had a long day at work, you go and sit down and rest.” When really I was thinking.”YES!, I need help.”
What I didn’t realise what that my husband was wanting to help and I was not allowing him that opportunity to serve me where needed. I was showing him, or telling him that I was in control of everything and in the end he saw it as I didn’t need his help in any aspect of my life.
Since then, I have learn’t to ask for help, it was hard for me to break that habit, but I did it. I also learn’t that asking can you do this was the wrong way to ask. Of course he could do things, so I changed my questions to “would you do.” What a difference that has made.
We are back together again, still working through things, however we are actually stronger than we were before our marriage break up.