Ask the marriage expert

Q: My family hates my husband. This makes things very uncomfortable for me at family gatherings. I notice these eye rolls and long sighs, for instance. And there’s a lot of tension. What should I do?

A: My mother used to hate my husband, too. To some extent, she had good reasons. Your family may have legitimate reasons, too. This is what I suggest:

Talk to your husband, especially if your family has any legitimate grievances. Ask him to treat your family with more respect. For instance, my husband used to be cold and abrasive with my family. He would often make condescending remarks. I asked him, “Would you like me to treat your mother the same way you treat mine?” He, of course, did not want that. So he cleaned up his act.

Talk to your family. Explain that their snarky comments, eye rolls, and loud sighing makes you uncomfortable. Tell them you would rather not come to family gatherings at all than have to endure that type of tension. Say that you are working on your marriage and that your husband is working on treating them with more respect. Ask for their support.

Then, try a series of very short, controlled visits. Rather than spending an entire day together, just have lunch. Chances are, the better your husband behaves during these short visits, the more your family will come to accept him as a good and permanent feature in your life. As that happens, you can lengthen your time spent at family gatherings.

Hopefully you will find what I discovered: that everyone really can get along after all. My husband and my mother actually hugged each other last year during a Christmas gathering. It was definitely a minor miracle, but also the result of the hard work they both had done to forgive and move on.

Ask the Marriage Exert appears every Friday. Do you have a question for Alisa? Leave a comment or email her alisa@projecthappilyeverafter.com.

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