The saying that “every little bit helps,” is particularly true when you have a large debt load. Every penny you use to pay off debt is earning a TREMENDOUS interest rate. If you have health concerns and a full time job (reading your post I’m not sure if the kids are still at home?) perhaps a low stress job could be the ticket. Perhaps working online could be a possibility.

I hesitate to get into relationship counseling, but I would STRONGLY recommend that you sit down with your husband and have a serious and detailed conversation about finances. It seems shocking to me that he would decide to quit his job without consulting you. I also feel like maybe you guys are not clear on each other’s financial motivations. For me I feel like communication is the key which I why I advocate about learning investing basics (hence my site), so that you can at least be involved in the decisions. I think maybe you take baby steps in that direction by letting your husband know that you’d like to be involved in decisions like that.

Back about 17 or 18 years ago, my husband and I decided to refinance our first home mortgage. We had a history of fighting monthly when it came time to pay the bills, which was my responsibility. I freaked out over how little we saved and how much we were spending. He believed in “manageable debt” and building a good credit rating. I believed in not owing anyone anything ever.

I realized while I was going through the paperwork necessary to refinance, that although many of our assets were intangible (not in my wallet), we actually had enough to live without any income for a year! It would mean drastic changes, but it could be done. This realization allowed me to relax and stop freaking out because I finally identified my issue — my “why” for my panic — I was terrified that we would be turned out of our home and left homeless. With a year’s worth of assets, I realized this would not happen. Also, the main difference between us and a homeless person is that we had a support system in place — our parents and friends would never allow us to end up homeless. (I know homelessness is a much more complicated issue, but this was just one element I focused on.) Very important learning experience.

And my question fast forwards to more recent times. My husband quit his job of 15 years rather suddenly about 3 years ago to start his own venture. For two years, we survived on our savings and investments (all of them), borrowed or were given money by both sets of our parents (a lot) and lived on sporadic contracts he was able to line up. All this while our twins were in college (no financial aid). We took out loans and maxed out our credit cards. We were now paying our own health insurance. I tried to be very supportive. He did manage to line up several sporadic contracts, but never full-time.

After two years of this (imagine the stress), he finally realized it was time to get a “real” job and did so after just a couple months of looking. He has been doing well and being paid steadily for the last year.

BUT, our debt load is tremendous. We have cut back our expenses a great deal, only go out to dinner for very special occasions, have not taken any vacations, and I now shop at Salvation Army if I can. My husband has finally admitted that over the years he made some poor financial decisions, but I am also to blame, as I went along with it all. (although he didn’t consult me on leaving his job when he did)

I have thought of going back to work (I am a full-time mom), but have had some serious health issues to deal with since last year that have prevented that. My husband also tells me that it wouldn’t make sense for me to get a low-paying job; it would just put us into a higher tax bracket. Unfortunately, I have little to offer the workplace as I haven’t been employed in over 22 years. I was a Studio Art major and graduated from an Ivy League school and worked for four years before having children.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

In response to these comments, I think it’s important to remember that the stress of tight finances can make people behave in ways you (or they) would never have thought possible–ways that simply can’t be anticipated because they’re an abnormal reaction to an unprecedented situation.

This sparks a larger (likely rhetorical) question: how do you build a financial foundation and methods of communication that can withstand even the most unexpected relationship blows such as illness, job loss, or addictive spending?

Rob:
Money is definitely one of the big “gotcha”s in relationships. While I don’t know if one financial model works for every relationship, one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten is to make sure that you’re on the same page on those subjects before you take the plunge. There are many books and counselors out there who can make sure you guys ask each other the questions about things like children and money that you HAVE to be on the same page about. Make sure you sit down and talk about these things and make sure you don’t have any “irreconcilable” differences.

And how do you get someone who knows very little about investing to understand the basics enough to give intelligent input on family investing decisions?

Thanks! Great blog!