The true sexiest man alive

People got it wrong, yet again. This year the magazine picked Hugh Jackman as the Sexiest Man Alive. Now, don’t misunderstand me. Hugh is definitely not hard to look at. The green eyes and dark hair thing: very nice. Were my husband to morph into something resembling Hugh, I can’t say I’d be drastically disappointed.

That said, I have just one question for the folks at People: Where have you been the past year? Have you cast your eyes on Barack Obama? Have you listened to the man talk? Have you seen what he looks like in a suit? Do you realize that he will be our next President?

So that was five questions. What can I say? I was on a roll.

As for the other 129 sexy men in People? Some are so young that they can’t possibly own a razor. They are certainly pretty, but sexy?

To help People get it right next year, I’ve created a fail proof system for ranking sexiness. A man gets 1 point for each of the following characteristics.

1.He  has 5 o’clock shadow.

2. He’s fit. He looks like he does something in his spare time that does not entail beer and cheese doodles. His chest doesn’t have to look like he benches 300, but his calves should look as if there are muscles in there somewhere.

3. He’s witty. He’s not so intellectual that he’s stuffy, but he can talk about the news, the economy, and Indie films with a nice, comforting dark sense of humor.

4. He has an Australian or New Zealand Accent.

5. He wears cowboy boots and looks good in them.

6. He has a deep radio voice.

7. He’s perfected a skill (acting doesn’t count).

8. He can express himself.

9. He’s confident.

10. He makes me laugh.

11. He knows his way around a computer. I’ve always had a thing for a guy with a pencil protector. It’s similar to the male fantasy of the sexy librarian.

12. He wears a uniform, especially if the uniform includes a gun, cape, or lasso.

13. He’s a good listener.

14. He has a great smile, especially if it’s crooked.

15. He’s often seen with a baby or a puppy.

Subtract a point if he has any of the following characteristics.

1.    Pretension of any kind. It cancels out the confidence.

2.    Neediness or clinginess. Ditto.

3.    A whiny, nails on chalkboard voice.

4.    A beard.

5.    Any strong nonhuman scent, such as smoke or incense.

6.    He’s racist, sexist, or anti-Semitic.

7.    He needs a helper (booze, pot) to find happiness.

8.    He wears a dress.

9.    He talks about himself nonstop.

So, with that ranking system, who wins the award as the Sexiest Man Alive?

It’s a tie between Barack Obama and Jon Stewart (7 points each).

Runners up in no particular order: Andre Agassi, Jason Lee, Edward (Yes, he’s make believe. So what? It’s my blog and I can write what I want to), Michael Jordan, 007 played by Daniel Craig or Roger Moore and not by Pierce Brosnan, and any reasonably fit looking guy who works at the Apple Store.

Is my Sexy Test faulty? Did I miss an important characteristic? Who do you think is the Sexiest Man Alive? Leave a comment.

Tomorrow: How to become the sexiest woman alive

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Tagged as: barack obama, hugh jackman, People, sexiest man, sexiest man alive, sexiness, sexy librarian