Project Happily Ever After

I’m now friends with Erica Durance, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Samuel Jackson, Sandra Bullock, Eddie Murphy, Nicole Ritchie, Johnny Depp, Dan Aykroyd, and David Hasselhoff.

We’re all really tight, too. Sandra, for instance, loves to play games with me that involve knights and ladies. I’m helping Erica raise money for her favorite animal shelter. And Johnny recently asked me to join one of his political clubs.

To think, I met them all on Facebook.

It started with Erica. You see, she bet Hugh Jackman one night that she could friend more people on Facebook than he could. Well, one thing led to another. A mutual Facebook friend who I barely know messaged me, saying that she thought Erica and I would be good friends. Well, I had no idea who Erica was, but I so trusted this Facebook friend that I agreed to be friends with Erica, too.

And I wasn’t disappointed. Erica was dressed in lingerie in her profile picture. “Now that’s a woman I would like to hang with in real life,” I thought.

So I read a little more, and that’s when I learned that she was an actress. Oops. Sorry Erica. I had no idea you were famous.

It’s also when I learned about this little contest she had going on with Hugh. Well, I decided to help Erica out. After all, if one friend can’t help another friend find more friends, then what are friends good for? That’s what I want to know.

So I posted a note telling all of my Facebook friends that my new found friend Erica would like to be friends with them, too.

And then I checked out Erica’s friendship list, because, it must be said, I have this little contest of my own going on. One of my other friends named Jennifer has 250 friends and I only have 200. Okay, it’s 197 to be exact, but who’s counting? The point is that I’ve never been popular in real life but, damn it, if I accomplish anything in my virtual life it’s this: I will be more popular than Jennifer on Facebook.

Jennifer, by the way, doesn’t know that we’re having a friending contest. Let’s just keep that between us, shall we?

As I mined Erica’s list of friends, one name jumped out. It was Jennifer Love Hewitt. I thought, “Ha! I might not have as many friends as Jennifer, but I’m soon going to be friends with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and my friend Jennifer is so not. So there!”

I extended a friendship invitation to Jennifer Love Hewitt. Then I waited, and waited.

Just how long does it take a famous person to decide whether or not she wants to be friends with a commoner?

About 6 hours.

Once I was friends with Erica and Jennifer, I got really bold. That’s when I friended Samuel and the rest of my famous friendship posse.

And they all friended me back.

As the friendship announcements rolled in, I just couldn’t wait for my other commoner friends to email me saying, “What gives? How do you know Sandra Bullock?”

I waited a very long time.

I waited an entire week. I’m still waiting.

Not one of my other Facebook friends has noticed.

During all of this waiting, I became somewhat suspicious of my newly formed famous friendships.

It started with that knighthood game that Sandra had wanted to play with me. It just didn’t seem like the type of game Sandra Bullock would want to play. No, it certainly did not. I imagined a 20-year-old, pasty white, slightly chubby guy with thick glasses and a computer science degree playing that game. I don’t think Sandra wears glasses.

Then, Samuel Jackson sent an interesting status update. It said, “Ate kitten for dinner. Was delicious.”

It didn’t sound like the Samuel I know.

I also noticed that David Hasselhoff had spelled his name wrong on his profile, splitting his last name into two words: Hassel and Hoff. Maybe he had an addiction to the space bar, or maybe he never created his Facebook page in the first place.

Just saying.

It was also interesting that Jennifer hyphenated her last name on Facebook, but not in real life.

And exceptionally interesting that Erica was also friends with Chewy Bacca and many superheroes. That was a little odd.

Erica also started acting strangely. She posted an all caps rant, screaming that she thought her friends were a bunch of greedy good for nothings because none of us were willing to ante up tons of cash for a needy family.

But then she’d also recently joined the group Vodka, What Else?, so that might have had something to do with it.

Still, it got me thinking about what might happen one night in a college dorm room full of computer geeks who are all smoking pot. I imagined one of them taking a nice long drag on the joint, blowing out the smoke, and saying, “You know what would be really funny?”

Another geek would say, “Oh snap. We gotta do it!”

They’d all whip out MacBooks faster than you can say encryption key—creating fake Facebook pages for a host of real life Hollywood celebrities and the characters on Star Wars. They would then encourage the common folk to friend them, too.

Us commoners would all agree to friend these famous people, because who doesn’t want, “Alisa Bowman is now friends with Jennifer Love-Hewitt” announced on their Facebook page?

Anyone whose name isn’t Alisa Bowman, that’s who.

But what do I know? Maybe these real life celebrities really did create their Facebook pages. Maybe Samuel really did eat kitten one night. Maybe David accidentally hit the space bar while spelling his own name and just couldn’t figure out how to fix the mistake, so he let it be. Maybe superheroes really exist and are allowed to have Facebook pages.

And, if that’s the case, then maybe they are all really friends with me, and maybe I am really famous by association.

Just to be on the safe side, though, I think I’d better friend some more people—whether they really exist or not—because Jennifer still has 50 more friends than I do.

Wanna be my friend? You can find me on Facebook.

Note: It has come to my attention that I am hard to find on Facebook because there are something like 15 other Alisa Bowmans. All I can say is this: 1) How dare they steal my name?! 2) I’m the cute one with brown hair. 3) If you want a direct link to my profile, it’s in the upper left hand column of this page. 4) I love my new friends.

If you think Alisa is a desperate human being in search of love and companionship, you are right. Send her some kindness. Leave her a comment. The universe will reward you with a date with Hugh Jackman. If you laughed at this blog post, you’re bound to snot cereal through your nose at something she’s going to write next week. Don’t miss a single blog. Subscribe by email. It’s easy. Just type your address into the Subscribe by Email box to the right. Hey, it’s free. You have nothing to lose, except, perhaps, Alisa’s friendship on Facebook.

Next week: What to do when you’re a saver, but your spouse is a spender—and vice versa.

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Tags: dan aykroyd, david hasselhoff, eddie murphy, erica durance, Facebook, facebook friends, friending, Hollywood, hugh jackman, jennifer love hewitt, johnny depp, nicole ritchie, samuel jackson, sandra bullock

This entry was posted on Friday, December 5th, 2008 at 2:20 am and is filed under Random Musings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.