Is there a such thing as divorcedar?

Today I’d like to tell you about divorcedar, also known as an intuitive ability to guess whether or not a couple will stay together or split up. It’s very similar to gaydar.

For instance, a straight person with a fine-tuned gaydar might decide a man is gay if he:

• Listens to Bette Midler

• Idolizes Judy Garland

• Carries a man purse

• Is a hair stylist, interior designer, fashion designer, florist, artist, dancer, or a former governor of New Jersey

• Dresses his cat or dog in matching accessories

Now, of course, these are all stereotypes, which is why gaydar often malfunctions. I’m sure there are gay construction workers just as much as I’m sure there’s a straight hairdresser out there who carries a man purse, has Bette Midler on his iPod, and keeps a cat with matching accessories.

(By the way, scientists believe that gay men really do have gaydar. They use pheromones to sniff one another out. At least, that’s what it says on the gaydar Wiki page I read as I was doing research for this blog).

Of course, divorcedar can malfunction, too. Couples who seem happy and well adjusted in public can Bobbitt one another in private. Couples who continually make snarky comments about one another in public probably have the hottest monogamous sex there is to be had. After all, if not mind-blowing sex, what else could possibly be keeping them together?

Indeed, for divorcedar to work correctly, one has to largely ignore these seemingly obvious signs of marital harmony or lack thereof. Instead, I recommend you plug the following data into your divorcedar, data that became known to me during my time in St. Kitts:

Divorcedar Data #1: Whether or not the couple fights while on vacation.

It’s one thing to bite one another’s heads off when you are tired or stressed, but it’s another to fight while on vacation, when you have all the time you need to sleep, relax, self-medicate with rum, and otherwise get yourself in a fantastic mood.

Divorcedar Data #2: Whether or not one spouse alerts the other spouse about embarrassing phenomenon such as snotters, downed zippers, and unruly hair.

By the way, data entry #1 will only predict divorce 50 percent of the time. Data entry #2 brings you up to a 90 percent accuracy rate, not that I’ve personally tested it out or anything. I just believe it to be so because of the story I’m about to tell you. The story starts at the edge of the ocean, as my husband and I are emerging from snorkeling.

Once on shore, he looked at me and said, “You have a great big dent in your forehead from your mask.”

I looked at him and said, “You have a great big piece of snot hanging from your nose.”

You see? We’re meant to live happily ever after. This is precisely what happily married couples do for one another. I firmly believe that all newlyweds should vow: “I will not let you unknowingly humiliate yourself in public.”

Yet, troubled couples allow this to happen all the time. Case in point: later that day at the pool, we got into a conversation with a nearby couple. Things immediately became problematic because the husband had a great big piece of snot hanging from his nose.

I kept waiting for his wife to give him the “Snotter-at-6-o’clock!” sign, but she never did. She didn’t wipe imaginary snot from her nose once. In fact, her hands remained as far away from her nose as possible. And, don’t even try to argue that she might not have known about her hubby’s hanger. Believe me. She knew.

Everyone in the pool, on the pool deck, and throughout the entire resort knew. I was trying my hardest NOT to know—by looking anywhere but at the man’s face—but it was impossible to miss. It was huge.

Later, I asked my husband, “Do you think a couple is headed for divorce if the wife doesn’t tell the husband about an obvious snotter?”

“I don’t know,” he said, “But I can tell you this. That guy at the pool had a huge hanger.”

“I know!” I said, “That’s what made me think about it.”

I asked, “You’d tell me if I had a snotter, right?”

“Right.”

“And if my zipper was down?”

“Definitely.”

“And if I had an alfalfa?”

“Of course,” he said.

“Or a great big piece of food stuck between my top front teeth?”

“Always.”

“I knew I fell in love with you for a reason,” I said. And, I did.

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Tagged as: divorce, marriage, Marriage Advice, staying happily married